twelve for wealth
“Madara” adrenaline pumping Madara-that-was-Indra spun, relaxing with a slump when he saw his mother, dressed like a miko in Uchiha indigo hakama and a white top with red camellia embroidered on it as she smiled wearily at Madara. “I am sorry I have been gone so long, I was looking for more information on the fragments; I think that there is only two left but as you get closer to finding all of them they – well they are fading, I don’t quite know why, grief maybe or maybe something about having all of them inside you means that they have less power to support them” (or- thought Madara- maybe it was that having Yuki-onna out there still aware and strong had meant that that fragment supported the rest and without Yuki-onna to do that and be aware of what was happening and trying to stay alive- survival after all- their will to keep going was fading. At least there might only be two left) “I don’t know. I do know where one of them is, but not where the last one is, I am sorry, I wish I could help you more my son.” Madara straightened, adrenaline returning, “Where is it?” he asked swiftly, Konohanasakuya smiling fondly at him and coming closer to lay a hand on his cheek as the smile turned sadder. “I am sorry Madara, I am so sorry. It’s a memory” (of course it was) “it…Madara, his shards flew to safety or important moments in his life and – there was one memory that was more import than any other. Madara…”
“Oh.”
Of course, of course, it had to be then, where else would it be? “When he broke the bond.” Madara croaked and his mother nodded slowly, “I am sorry” she murmured again and he just shook his head, what else could it be? It had been bad enough seeing it in a mirror without knowing much about Tobirama but now, now that he knew how hard the albino had tried and hoped and wanted – now that he knew Tobirama….how much more would it hurt now? “It – I suppose it makes sense and I should have realized – I just…” he wanted to say he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to do this but, how much else had he already done? This entire thing had proved to him how strong he was and how resolved, how far he would go for his erstwhile soulmate; why was this different? It would hurt yes, but more than his death? More than seeing the child that hoped so much and knowing how that hope was dashed? More than holding Tobirama as he breathed his small wishes into Indra’s ear? More than seeing how terrible his soulmate’s mental health was that he had dissociated an entire part of himslef? Besides, how would Yuki-onna smirk coldly if he knew that Madara was hesitating? His eyes just whispering ‘I told you so’. It was that thought that had Madara turning to the mirror “Call up the memory?” he asked his mother briskly, and Konohanasakuya searched his face for a moment before nodding, turning to the mirror and blowing on it gently; misting over the mirror with memory. Madara didn’t wait for the mist to clear, already stepping through the fogged over silver and feeling his aspect shift to Indra as he did, dressed again in hakama and a dark blue kimono closer to Tobirama’s cobalt than Uchiha indigo and decorated in silver dragons.
Indra looked around, taking in the halls of the Tower in Konoha and ducking back into the shadows as Tobirama appeared around the corner, visibly- to Indra’s now more attuned eye- nervous and working himslef up to something (oh) as he slowly approached Madara’s door with its uchiwa (oh no, oh Tobirama, no), Tobirama hesitated halfway down the hall, twisting his fingers painfully, clearly fighting with himself. “No, no, I can tell him” Tobirama breathed, barely more than a whisper in the empty hall “he’s been nicer and his clan likes soulmates, I have waited enough, I – I can.” (oh kami no, had Tobirama really intended to tell Madara today?) apparently resolved Tobirama started forward, pale hand raised to knock and then hesitating as raised voices sounded on the other side of the door, Tobirama’s moniker of the White Demon clear. Tobirama frowned, looking worried and his fingers dropped to hesitate over the knob just as Madara’s voice rang out loudly in response- Indra knew- to a particularly bad jab from an elder, reacting without thought for who could hear and how far it might echo. “-that heartless, cold-blooded bastard!” and Tobirama froze, fingers freezing over the knob and face draining of color, seemingly stuck in place as the voices in the office lowered, Tobirama’s hand drew back slowly, curling into a lose fist at his side as the albino licked his lips, pale and shaking a little.
Pale lips formed a small, soundless ‘oh’ and Tobirama took a step back, his face blanking but his eyes bleeding pain as Indra’s soul screamed, cracking under the strain of Tobirama’s shattered hopes. Already he could almost see Tobirama’s fractured soul drying up and flaking away into the either with the last of his hopes, brittle and broken, “Oh” Tobirama whispered, this time aloud. “Well then.” And slowly the albino turned from Madara’s door, turning his back on the Uchiha and his chance with his soulmate and the expression on his face, the broken blank expression, the way that Indra could see the child that Tobirama had once been that had been so amazed with Madara’s soul and wanted so badly to have their bond, could see the teen that had only wanted Madara to have a choice if Tobirama ever killed Izuna on accident, the beginnings of the broken man that walked to his death without question just because Madara had been threatened. It was this moment that encapsulated all of it, all of that pain and broken hopes.
It took several moments for Indra to gather himself to follow his soulmate, knowing that Tobirama had gone to his lab and stepping through the door as it was nothing but a memory containing a shard of a soul repeating the same moment over and over unless Indra stepped in and interrupted the repetition. True to expectation Tobirama was seated at his lab table, a set of chakra conducting needles laid out in front of him with a glimmering, expensive fire opal Indra knew too well, his shaking hands were flat on the table, eyes fixed on the distance as a single tear dripped down his cheek to land soundlessly on the table and slowly Indra watched as the painhurtbetrayalresignationlossbitterness drained away as the seals lit up on his face, leaving familiar blankness. Slowly, as though every movement ached Tobirama moved to his filing cabinet and unsealed it, pulling out a thick folder of old notes that he moved to spread over the lab table; Indra’s stomach churning when he saw that they were old notes on how to break a soulmate bond and give it to another.
Tobirama’s mind was clearly focused on something else and he looked like he was fighting internally with something, another tear streaking down his pale face, as he looked through the notes; apparently forgetting that anything else existed until suddenly his chakra was expanding, filling the lab with the thick feel of waterfall mist, a nearly visible haze in the air until, like lightning jumping from his chest and stretching into the distance. Tobirama just looked at it, Indra aching for the love and want and pain on his face, like he was looking on something he loved more than anything until with a deep breath the seals blazed brighter and the emotion drained away and Tobirama lifted the chakra needles. Indra couldn’t watch this, couldn’t watch as his bond was taken away and placed in a cold stone and he turned away dry heaving and wishing that the world would just stop.
By the time the memory firmed around him again the lab was empty and Indra stumbled out, buildings smeared around him in the way that he had figured out meant he was moving into a second attached memory – probably one that happened later given the buildings. Finally he found Tobirama again, a chain around his neck and his face etched with something broken as he watched Hashirama and Madara having lunch together and laughing, clearly happy as they laughed and Saburo approached with a smile on her lips only to be welcomed by both men. A small, choked noise pulled Indra’s attention back to Tobirama in time to see the pain and jealousy and self-hatred fade as the seals burned and the albino turned away, somehow hating himself more than he had been before – which Indra hadn’t know was possible. Swallowing he turned back to the laughing dinners as Madara frowned and looked around like he felt something was off but didn’t know what, his eyes tracking and lingering where Tobirama had vanished.
Sick Indra watched as the memory blurred and returned to the hall in front of his office and Indra turned away, unwilling to watch this fragment live this moment again and instead wandering through the Tower until he thought Tobirama might be in his lab (the feather had to be there, and that would be the easiest way to get to him) and then headed there, entering through the wall in time to see the air thicken with chakra and Tobirama raise the needles; in an instant Indra came up behind the younger man, bending down to wrap his arms around those narrow shoulders and bury his face in the younger man’s collar. “Please” Indra whispered “don’t do this. Please.” Tobirama froze under Indra’s hands but as ever he was accepting of Indra’s touch and presence in his space and memories, speaking in a stiff, numb voice, “It’s so easy, like a sapling from shale, surely it would fight if it was meant for me? Surely there is something wrong with me and I was never intended for it if it is so easy to remove? Surely it would hurt more? I am just fixing it, making this right for him. That’s all.”
Indra’s hold tightened, “No its not, it does hurt To’ra, it does, you just can’t feel it behind those seals. It's not easy it's just that those damned seals have numbed you so much you can’t feel how hard it is fighting to stay with you and it can’t feel what you are doing; trust me, I know, it doesn’t want to leave you, kami I swear it doesn’t want to leave you and you are more than enough for him. You’re broken but you’re not a failure, you’re not wrong, you just need help and time, I promise you it's nothing wrong with you.” Indra swore into Tobirama’s shoulder, a tiny shudder running through the thin frame as he sagged further into Indra, “I don’t want to trap him, all I have ever wanted to do was do right by him but it – it hurts so much!” the last words were choked out through a gut wrenching sob, Indra’s sleeve growing wet as the white head bowed, the albino whispering over and over “It hurts, it hurts so much, it hurts, it hurts so much, I can’t bear it anymore it hurts”. Indra swallowed hard, holding the slender form tighter a Tobirama was wracked with overwhelming misery, his constant whispering not stopping as Indra rocked them slightly, murmuring back “I know, I know, I know stardust, I know it hurt, I know, I know.”
At some point they ended up on the floor, Tobirama clutching the stone to his chest in Indra’s lap and sobbing, little “I want to go home, it hurts, I don’t want to do this anymore” slipping out from time to time and Indra just whispering “I know” into the white hair, waiting and hating this entire fucking world. Eventually Tobirama sagged into him, exhausted and clearly drained, well past asking questions on who Indra was and what he was doing in Tobirama’s lab; sniffling softly the albino whispered, “I don’t know what to do.” and Indra gathered him impossibly closer, “I know stardust, I know, just, let me take over ok? Let me take care of you, let me take you home.” He could feel it the way that breathing was hard for Tobirama, that each heartbeat was labored and exhausted as the fragment in this feather came closer to giving up, “Let me take you home.” A long pause of raspy breathing, “Will it hurt?” Tobirama asked in a small voice and Indra paused, chewing at his lip, “I – it might, but not forever and I will be right there with you the entire time. I can’t promise that it won’t hurt To’ra but it won’t hurt forever and you can rest.” Indra said, as honestly as he could, Tobirama sagging further into him as his heartbeat got slower, Indra shoving down his panic at the impending loss of this fragment when finally Tobirama breathed “Ok, just, don’t leave me alone” and faded into a feather, a ragged primary feather that pulsed against Indra’s fingers with the agony of Tobirama’s regret; the old, tattered barbs of his well worn regret from losing his brothers- all of them in the end because Hashirama couldn’t even remember that Madara was Tobirama’s soulmate- and the stiff brittle shaft of his constant, grating regret that he wasn’t what Madara needed or wanted.
Sagging into the floor Indra bit his lip and press the feather to his chest, teeth in his lip muffling his scream as the feather tangled around his ribs, pricking with every breath; finally, after who knows how long Indra adjusted to the sensation and found a way to breath around it, wiping blood off his chin and pushing to his feet. Breathing hard Indra reached for the liminal waters, hoping desperately that his mother was right and there was only one left – Indra wasn’t sure how much more he could do this.