five for heaven
Indra-that-was-Madara was curled on the water, hair a wash around him as he clutched his chest, paralyzed with pain. “Oh child” the voice was deep and whispering, edged with a rasp that Madara’s mother lacked and something very large and fluffy settled curled around him, a deep, rumbling purring sending ripples through the water (oh, this – Hashirama had mentioned that Tobirama had snow leopards as summons). It took a while for the heat and soothing purr to finally sink through to Madara’s skin to his bones and lift the ache a bit from within his chest, lessening the weight of the fragments of Tobirama and guiding Madara back to himslef. Stiffer than he should have been (how long had it been?) Madara-Indra turned his head to look at the huge spirt-summons curled around him, her large blue eye opening to look at him but the purr not halting as the whispering voice filled the space around him without her muzzle moving, “There you are, I am Miyuki, the first of the snow leopards. Now, you are Astral child, do not forget that or what you are. You are strong enough to carry your mate until he can carry himself again and in the next life you will be rewarded for your work; remember, you are fighting for more than just this life but every life that your soul will life with your mate should you help him back to himself and show him he can accept himself.” The unspoken words that if he didn’t help Tobirama he wouldn’t have a mate- “None of that, should this mate fail and fall the kami would make another but I am biased as he has my daughter’s summons contract, I do not think their second try should suit you as well. You Mother has a temper child and I should think would chose something completely different for your next mate; but they would exist, you do not have to do this if it is too much to bear or do not wish too.”
And that, that pulled Madara up hard, the kami would make another soulmate for him if Tobirama never was returned to himself? He – a different soulmate that was nothing like Tobirama, maybe more like Saburo (and how long, the old, bitter Indra part whispered, how long until the anger would break them too? How many mates would Indra’s bloody legacy shatter?) as different from his moon kissed, stillness carrying albino as could be knowing Amaterasu. But – something in Madara, in Indra, rebelled at that idea, of having anything other than Tobirama as his soulmate (kami he had resisted the bond the Saburo the entire time anyway), of having someone other than his broken, wonderful, failed Tobirama as his; how could he chose anything else having seen the brightness in him? The hope and love and devotion that Indra wanted, the duty and conviction and endless trying that Madara admired; he wanted that, he wanted Tobirama, in every future life (and maybe, maybe being broken once Tobirama would find a way to survive the tide of blood next time and help Indra do the same).
“I don’t want that, I want Tobirama. I just don’t know how to do it, how to survive it, and help him do the same. I don’t know how to reconcile his heart with his choices and the way they hurt me, what to do with this anger I feel towards what they made him.” Madara murmured back, turning to speak into the gray and white fur as great cat chuffed, long tail curling over Madara’s legs. “That’s fair, hate cuts without discrimination and self-hate is no different; your mate hates himself because he was broken to it- you heard what his father called him, reflecting his own monstrosity on his poor too-pure son, the kami messed up on making him that way, they should have given him more walls-“ she shook her fur in disagreement at the kami and went on “but the fact is that he hates and that hate has hurt you. You are allowed to be angry about that and resent that, his actions hurt you even if that was the last thing he wanted, they did. Hate cuts every hand.” Madara shivered and pushed further into her fur, tired and relieved a bit to have the poison outlined so cleanly, distilled to the base ingredients that Madara could almost reconcile with (and if – if she was right, then him hating himself for hating Tobirama’s actions would only make it worse wouldn’t it? Hating Indra for his legacy would never fix anything, Madara too must learn to accept what his world had made him – now and then, kami they were all so fucked up).
“I don’t want to hate anymore” Madara-Indra breathed into the safe fur, and Miyuki chuffed, nudging the top of his head once in approval, “Then you have already started, remember the opposite of love is not hate, it is apathy; so to is the opposite of hate not love, but acceptance. Acceptance is not forgiveness or forgetting, it is not being ok with what happened, it is accepting that it happened and why and that you can not change it but you can move beyond it. It takes time child of the stars, do not force it, acceptance comes to you in its own time and way it cannot be strong-armed, take time. Do you understand?” Madara nodded into the fur, the idea seemed daunting in its scope and how ready he wasn’t for it yet – but of course that was her point. “I will try” he promised, and her purr ratchet up, Madara dozing in the half-light of the liminal space until he felt finally like he could go on and slowly sat, stretching with a sigh as his back popped; the weight of the feathers in his chest comforting rather than burdening for now. It was then that he got a look at the spirit-summons' face and blinked at the glow in her jaws, “Is that-“ she snorted, opening her mouth and holding out the feather in teeth as long as Madara’s tanto but he hesitated, not quite ready for something as heavy as the last one.
Miyuki snorted, ruffling his hair, “Child. Do you think that the shard of his soul he hid with his summons would be bad? He was happy with us and spoke often to us of you and how he adored you and his dreams, when he still had them, there is nothing to fear from this shard of him.” flushing a bit Madara reached out and gently took the feather in his fingers, shivering as the peace washed over him; the barbs as soft as Miykui’s fur and the comfort Tobirama had with his summons, the shaft steel strong with the safety of their love. This, this was a feather that Madara wanted to have and nurture and keep close in the hopes it too would grow, Tobirama’s peace could so easily become Indra’s if he had the chance and kami he wanted that chance! Greedy he pressed the feather to his chest, shuddering as his toes curled in delight at the warmth that flooded him like the purring of an entire pile of snow leopards. Miyuki chuffed a laugh, her long teeth on show as she cat-laughed at him, Madara rolling his eyes with a small smile as he rubbed where the feather bobbed at the top of his ribs, floating and steady.
“Any idea where to try next?” at his question her amusement faded and she looked at him for a long moment, “Are you sure you are ready?” she asked “Your mother asked me to come out of fear for you and the next one will not be any easier than the last.” Madara frowned, what-? “The only way forward is to go to the end before you go back, it will not be pretty to see child.” Oh. that-. Was Madara ready to see that?
Was he?
…yes, yes, he – he needed to see that, to know how it ended now not later, he needed to have the closure he lacked from never having even seen Tobirama’s body or funeral. “Yes” He said slowly “yes I am ready, I need it I think, to see that. Thank you, I – thank you.” Miyuki slow blinked at him and nuzzled his chest, letting Madara lean on her for a moment before she stood and moved so that Madara could see the mirror she had been blocking and the familiar trees of Fire. Madara took a deep breathe, felt the summons nudge his back and moved forward to the end.