First Look
First Look - This is a new, modern tradition. It’s the moment right before the wedding when the betrothed couple see each other for the first time. It starts with averted eyes or complete blindness, and then your future is revealed right before you. Stunning, beautiful, and perfect.
Part 1.
It was peaceful in the dark. It was just a blank slate of nothing: no thoughts, worries, cares, or pain. For the first time in a long time, Sasuke felt no anger. He almost felt as if he had never felt anger.
Wasn't there something he needed to feel right now? He couldn’t recall. Perhaps it was impatience. He was dead, after all; shouldn’t he be with his family?
“Dead?” It was the first thought that broke through the stillness of Sasuke’s mind. It felt like a grain of sand dropping into a stagnant lake. Noted, but not overly significant. Vague memories of a battle with a boy in a mask and being surrounded by mirrors filtered in. He had stood in front of Naruto, protecting him while his body was assaulted by needles.“Oh. I guess I did die.”
Sasuke couldn’t tell if he was looking anywhere. He wanted to look at something, but all that followed was that impenetrable darkness. With nothing else to do, Sasuke’s mind wandered. Slowly, he could hear his own voice in his head begin to wonder, pouring in like blood from a wound.
“I wonder how long I have to be here.”
“When will I see my family?”
“Mother and father must be waiting, too.”
“Are they disappointed that I died so soon?”
“What will it look like?”
“Why is it just dark?”
“What will my team do now?”
A touch. It was so light, so distant, but Sasuke felt a touch on his cheek. It felt so familiar, so soft and warm.”What is this?” Sasuke tried to lean into it, but he couldn’t.
He just wanted and needed more of it. It made him realize he was so, so cold- the kind of cold that is way past the point of shivering, settling deep within your bones like an illness.
The warmth stayed on his cheek, the sensation growing increasingly solid, but it was nowhere near enough.Sasuke wanted this warmth to consume him, but he couldn’t even reach up to touch it. He just waited to see if the heat would spread to the rest of his freezing body.
Suddenly, a weight settled onto Sasuke’s chest, startling him. The impact created a small ripple that interrupted the stillness around him. He could feel himself move in a gentle wave, a steady and oddly comforting motion.
With the steady pressure came a warmth that seeped into his chest, to Sasuke's relief. The warmth spread to his arms and neck. He wanted to hold it closer as it chased the frost away, but his arms would not obey. It was okay. He was finally warm.
Something was beating gently against Sasuke’s chest. The steady rhythm reverberated into his heart, making it match the pace. The warmth and pressure were constant and comforting, but he felt a deep sorrow start to take hold. Was he feeling sadness at his own death? What did he have to be so sad about?
He didn’t accomplish his goal, his purpose.
Yeah.
That was probably it.
Sasuke didn’t avenge his clan. He wasn’t even strong enough to make it past Genin. Maybe that was why he was here, in the dark, and not with his mother and father. It was limbo.
The sorrow grew into a desperate grief he was all too familiar with. He felt the same feeling when the ones he loved most were slain. Was he feeling this much for his own circumstances?
Wait…no?
No.
No, this wasn’t coming from him.
Why was there so much of it around him? Where is it coming from? What could be causing this? Why could he feel it so deeply?
What is making that sound?
Sasuke heard a soft sound in the distance. He strained to figure out what it was, willing it to be clearer. The sound got louder until Sasuke realized it was the sound of someone crying. Raw grief, pain, and despair fully bore into the world, echoing in the darkness and surrounding him. Sasuke realized this was the source of the emotions overtaking him. Something about them felt familiar, but he couldn’t gather his thoughts enough to figure out who.
Something new was coming through. It wasn’t a typical sound; Sasuke couldn’t hear it like he could hear the sobbing. It felt like it was echoing from his chest into his mind, translating so he could understand.
Come back!
Please, come back!
Don’t leave!
Sasuke felt himself begin to sink, slowly floating down. He didn’t know where he was going but thought it would be okay. Wherever he was being drawn to must be where he was supposed to be.
He felt his back land gently on something hard, flat, and cold. His fingers could feel cold, moist air and soft fabric. The weight on his chest felt more solid and even warmer against the chill. He could hear the crying even louder now.
The sound was so familiar, though he was sure he had never heard it. It bothered him because he still couldn’t place it and didn’t like it. Sasuke never enjoyed hearing anyone cry, but this one unsettled him in a way he couldn’t explain. Something about it just seemed to pull at him.
A hand clutched tightly onto his side, and suddenly, the darkness faded into a dull gray sky. Sasuke could hear the mournful sobs, and at last, it clicked.
Could it be?
His eyes found Sakura, her head heavily against him. Her long, petal-colored hair fanned over his body like a blanket. Delicate hands grasped his shirt as her body shook from grief. She was grieving him, crying for him. When was the last time someone cried for him? His chest felt tight, and his breath stalled at the thought.
“Sakura…” her name ran from his lungs through his lips as if it needed to escape from deep inside of him. His chest felt nearly caved in with its absence. Even as he breathed, his chest couldn’t expand enough to compensate. “Sakura, I can’t breathe with you on me…”
Her head shot up, and she immediately found his gaze. Her eyes were bright red and glassy with tears, but they were also green. Not like the leaves in the forests at home. Not like the lush grass fields. Not at all like anything he’s ever seen. He’s seen her eyes before, of course, plenty of times, but he’s never seen them this close. He knew her eyes were considered pretty by most standards, but now he could see how beautiful they were. A soft green framed by long pink lashes. What name could fit that color, he wondered.
It was more than just the color. Sakura’s eyes were so full of the deep, genuine sadness that he heard in her sobbing. Sakura gazed into him, and he at her. Sasuke could see all the tears that fell down her face, the tiny bit of snot that trickled down her nose. Her hair was disheveled. Her lips had turned so red they were purple. There were minor cuts and drops of blood on her face, neck, and arms from the needles still sticking out of his body. She had thrown herself onto him with complete disregard for the harm to her own body. Reckless girl.
Sasuke’s eyes blinked once, refocusing on Sakura’s face. Her expression was so scared and desperate, disbelieving that he was looking at her, alive. Her eyes, those beautiful green eyes, began to shine with new tears, and Sasuke realized he never wanted to see her in such a state again.
“Sasuke…” Sakura breathed his name in softly, nearly choking on the new sobs. Her body shook from the restrained emotion, but it overwhelmed her. “You’re alive! Tazuna, Sasuke’s alive!” Sakura threw herself onto him again, wrapping her arms around him and crying with pure relief.
Sasuke winced as the impact jostled his injuries. She might have gotten herself nicked by needles again, too. Absolutely reckless.
“Sakura, that hurts.” He complained, but none of his usual bite into it. It hurt, but the warmth of Sakura’s body on his was more than enough to compensate.
After a while, Sakura pulled back as her tears subsided. She sniffled gently, wiping at her face, but a broad, relieved smile was on her lips. Sasuke motioned to sit up, which caused her alarm.
“Sasuke! No, stay still!” She insisted, her hands returned to his body, clasping his back and upper arm. It was helpful when he felt himself sway slightly in the new position. Her grasp kept him upright and steady while he got his bearings.
He was getting too accustomed to her touch now. Before, any physical contact outside of combat made him uncomfortable. Since the passing of his mother, touch has become a foreign experience. When Sakura clung to him during the bell test, he instantly pulled her away. Now, Sasuke finds himself accepting it without argument or reluctance. Her touch was slowly becoming a source of warmth and comfort he wanted to rely on. These were dangerous discoveries for him, but at the moment, he couldn’t care.
“You’re still injured, Sasuke! Take it easy.” Her voice held so much concern and a touch of scolding. Naruto would find this hilarious.
Sasuke peaked at Sakura again once he could finally sit up alone. “How is Naruto? What happened to the boy in the mask?”
Sakura lowered her eyes, her mournful expression returning. “Naruto is fine, " she assured him. “But the boy, Haku…he’s dead.”
“What?” Sasuke gasped. “How? Did Naruto do it?”
Sakura shook her head. “I wasn’t there to see it, but…he died protecting Zabuza.” Her eyes were sorrowful as she looked ahead into the mist. Following her gaze, he saw the body of their masked foe, Haku, lying still on the hard bridge floor like Sasuke had been only moments ago. Except that the other boy was dead, in a pool of darkening blood and a hole in his chest. Cold. Never to feel warmth again.
Sasuke sat there silently. Haku was never going to kill him. He never wanted to kill anyone. Sasuke couldn’t help the pang of sorrow for the other boy. They were pretty similar, after all.
The pink-haired ninja turned and smiled at him again. “I had faith in you, Sasuke! I knew you would pull through! You’re too cool to be kept down like that!” Her words were what he would’ve expected, but the energy was different. Despite the sincerity, it felt like a front. As if she was trying to recover from the event by returning to some semblance of normalcy. He was grateful for her attempts, but he knew that they would all be different after this mission.
Sakura stood up, and Sasuke followed immediately after her. “Naruto!” Sakura called cheerfully into the distance. Surely enough, he spotted the bright orange-clad boy turning back to look at them. He stuck out, even in the fog. “Look who’s ok!”
He didn’t make eye contact with the other boy out of embarrassment, but he could tell Naruto was also relieved to tears. Kakashi was beside him, looking not too affected by the good news. However, he was just as profoundly relieved as everyone else. The most Sasuke could do was raise his arm in greeting.
That was, perhaps, a slight mistake. The movement caused painful pulling on Sasuke’s side, causing him to wince when he lowered it back down. Sakura was close to him again, her hands ready to help. “I’m alright.” He said, lying. He felt another nasty pull on his side that caused him to lose his balance. In an instant, Sakura slid under his arm, hanging it over her shoulder and supporting his weight. Sasuke looked at her in surprise, not missing her wince as needles stabbed into her. “Sakura! You’re going to—“
“Don’t worry! I’ve got you.” Sakura interrupted him with a gentle stubbornness that left him speechless.
This was different. Sakura seemed different, but not in a way entirely outside of her character. More so that she seemed more like herself instead. There was no meekness or flustering. There were no furtive glances as she stared him down with those giant green eyes. She was perfectly at ease with him now as she held him up with impressive strength. Sasuke didn’t pull away and let her help him stay on his feet. He did his best to ignore her satisfied smile and how it felt as their sides pressed together, generating a new warmth.
Part 2.
The screaming stopped so suddenly, leaving behind a high-pitched ringing. The bloodbath of bodies torn to shreds was turned into a merciful black abyss. As relieved as the young ninja was to be spared of the horrific images, he was wary. Sasuke took advantage of the stillness to prepare for whatever else Itachi’s genjustu may conjure.
The darkness and silence stretched on, and his mind began to calculate the probability of himself already being dead. Undoubtedly, Sasuke’s heart couldn’t handle the stress of seeing cousins, aunts, and uncles brutally murdered again. His heart must’ve stopped upon seeing his mother and father have their throats slit again and again and again. What more horrors would he possibly see that he didn’t suffer through already?
A thought sprung into his mind that filled him with dread.
What if his brother’s brief visit was enough to endanger his team?
What if that’s what awaited him next?
Would he see Naruto, Sakura, and Kakashi slaughtered before him?
What if he woke up and found them all gone? Dead and buried, like his family.
Would he really be alone again?
How could he let this happen?
Sasuke’s mind spun into a manic fury. He screamed relentlessly into the darkness, despair filling the space. His voice echoed to him in a distorted, monstrous howl. It was a terrifying sound; it was everything he had ever felt in one. He did not stop.
He couldn’t protect his team, his friends!
He was supposed to be powerful!
He was supposed to avenge his family!
Now, Sasuke may have lost the last people he had in his life. Itachi didn’t even think he was worthy to die with his family. Now, he wasn’t worthy to die for his team. What was he worth? What was the point of his living? He just couldn’t get stronger- he was nowhere near strong enough!
Sasuke’s screams traveled back at him in a never-ending song as he breathed through his teeth. He wanted to keep screaming until his throat tore and his lungs turned to dust. He wanted to do something, anything but be stuck here in the darkness, waiting for the next catastrophic illusion. He wanted to fight. He wanted to die.
A cooling sensation tugged at the back of his consciousness, coaxing him to calm down. A steady chakra flow wrapped around his mind, gently pulling him back into the real world. As he felt his mind settle back into his body, the rancid anger subsided and gave way to weary, pitiful exhaustion.
Sasuke felt his body lay heavily on a mattress and pillow. He became aware of the sheets draped over his body, keeping him warm. The air had a cold and sterile feel. He could smell disinfectant and industrial cleaner everywhere. A fresh breeze was on his face, moving his hair and bringing in a light scent.
It was a pleasant scent. Flowers.
Sasuke breathed deeply, focusing on the faint scent before his eyes finally opened. Everything was so blurry and white above him as he blinked slowly. Sasuke twitched his fingers and toes, testing his movements to find no pain. Slowly, he brought himself up in a sitting position.
There was some sort of noise, talking, he supposed. It was a woman’s voice, but not one he’d known. He couldn’t process anything she was saying to him, so he looked up to try and understand what was happening. There were blurs of colors he couldn’t recognize or put into focus- all except for one.
Pink.
Soon, all he saw was pink as Sakura’s arms wrapped tightly around him. Her short pink hair brushed against his face as she buried her face into the crook of his neck. Sakura’s body was pressed tightly against him, and he could feel so much. He could feel her rapid breaths, her trembling shoulders, and her charging heartbeat against his chest. Her warmth sunk into him, chasing away the sterile air and replacing it with her. All of her.
Someone began to say something, but they stopped, and Sasuke was grateful for it.
It was silent for a while, and all the other presence in the room left. Sasuke’s eyes never strayed from the pink of Sakura’s hair as his hand reached to bury his fingers in its softness. With each sob, he could feel the intense fear and relief rolling off her body- fear that he had caused.
Sasuke was angry. The vile anger he felt was still there, curled up within his chest, waiting. His thoughts traveled back to being helpless as his brother placed him under genjutsu. Trapped in blood-red eyes. Surrounded by ripped flesh, pooling blood, and endless screaming. He was weak. Helpless. It burned him up inside, slowly consuming him outward. The sealed curse mark on his shoulder burned with him.
The feeling of Sakura’s slender fingers running through his hair drew him away from his thoughts. She gently combed Sasuke’s hair out of his face, making him finally look up at her face. Sakura’s face was glistening with trails of tears, and her lips were purple. It contorted as if she was in pain, and it scared him that she may be hurt.
“Sakura.” His voice was like dust picked up on the wind, so weak he barely heard it himself. He glanced over her to find any injuries, but his vision was still out of focus. Sasuke glanced up at her face, the only thing in the entire room that was clear. He breathed out softly, knowing that, at the very least, she was alive.
Sakura’s eyes, those soft seafoam green eyes, were looking over him, too. Sasuke couldn’t help but take her in as she brushed his hair softly. The afternoon sun filtered through the open window, brightening Sakura’s petal-colored hair like a halo. Her eyes were like the shores of a distant sea, far, far away from all of this disaster. Sasuke could still smell the faint aroma of flowers on the fresh breeze. He turned just enough to see a small vase on the side table holding two white daffodils, one slightly older than the other. Sakura had placed them there for days and days as he was trapped. Unable to do anything else but to try and make him comfortable.
The anger quelled down as his gaze returned to the very spirit of spring in front of him. How could any rage exist in his heart as long as he looked at Sakura? A small, warm smile bloomed on her face, completely unaware of the war within his mind.
This is what Sasuke could have. He could stay with Sakura forever and have her look at him with seafoam eyes and bright smiles. The anger would be left unfed, replaced instead by the gentle love of this beautiful, strong girl.
“Welcome back, Sasuke.” Sakura’s voice was a balm to the burns in his soul. It wiped his mind clean of everything, neutralizing his internal conflict momentarily. And Sasuke embraced it. He knew it couldn’t be this way forever; he could not have this yet. But for now, he allowed himself to have what he secretly desired.
Sasuke closed his eyes and rested his head on Sakura’s shoulders, slowly breathing her in. She gasped lightly in surprise, and her expression became worried. “Sasuke, are you feeling ok? Do you need a nurse?” Her voice was so quiet and soothing. He was at ease there with her. He found he could stay there forever. When she moved to get off the bed, he placed his hand on her waist, stilling her instantly.
“Stay,” Sasuke pleaded softly into her shoulder. He didn’t need to look at her to know that warm smile was on her face again. If he looked at her again, he may be forced to submit to her- submit to her, her heart, and his own.
For now, Sasuke allowed himself this moment. He let Sakura wrap her arms around him, enveloping him in warmth and safety. He embraced her love and his own for all he was worth — until it was time for his anger to consume him again.