Sasuke fiddled with his fingers as he silently sat across Kakashi in the Hokage’s office.
The nerve of this guy, Kakashi thought. He crossed his arms and watched as the mysteriously silent 19-year-old avoided his gaze.
About five minutes ago, Sasuke had bypassed all of the Hokage security, entered the office (without knocking), and sat across from Kakashi. All without a word. They had been sitting in silence for the past five minutes after that.
Kakashi eyed the clock and cleared his throat. As great as it is to see his troublesome former student, he also has a mountain of papers on his desk that need filing, and he was hoping to get them done in time for happy hour with Gai.
“Well hello there to you too, Sasuke. You know, a formal greeting to your Hokage would be nice, but oh, spare me formalities.”
Sasuke continued to fiddle with his fingers. Unable to meet Kakashi’s eyes, he instead fixates his gaze on the picture of Team 7 on Kakashi’s desk. How young and innocent they were.
Kakashi resists the urge to roll his eyes and clears his throat again.
“You know, Sasuke, when you sent that letter saying you wanted to talk after being gone for two years, this wasn’t exactly how I pictured it happening.”
Sasuke continued staring at the picture on Kakashi’s desk. “Hn,” was his only response.
Kakashi narrowed his eyes and flipped the picture frame down, finally snapping Sasuke’s trance and meeting his gaze. Happy hour is coming soon damn it, and he was not going to let this emo brat waste any more of his time.
“Cut the bullshit, Sasuke. Tell me what you wanted to talk about. Is it intel on an enemy?”
Sasuke slowly shook his head.
“Is the village going to be in danger?”
He shook his head again.
“So what, you just wanted to talk?”
Sasuke stayed still for a moment, before finally deciding to slowly nod.
Kakashi raised a brow. It was funny at first, but he was starting to get tired of playing charades.
He stands up from his seat. “Well, sorry if you are mistaken, but I am Hokage now. Which means I am far too busy to be playing therapist right no—“
“I think I am in love with Naruto Uzumaki.”
“…Oh.” Kakashi slowly sits back down. “Well, this is way more interesting.”
Sasuke clears his throat and uncomfortably shifts in his seat.
“Don’t do that,” Kakashi says.
“Do what?”
“Act like you’re being forced to be here. You came to me. Clearly, you want to talk, so…go ahead.”
Sasuke took a deep breath and slowly nodded.
“I haven’t…I haven’t really talked much to anyone these past two years. So now I have all these nonsensical words and thoughts jumbling in my head and I just needed to talk to someone who might understand.”
Kakashi leaned back in his chair and sighed. “…Okay. I see. Well, let’s start with that random confession from earlier and go from there.”
Sasuke nodded.
“I think I love Naruto Uzumaki. A part of me feels delusional saying it, especially after everything, but I do.”
“How come?”
“I don’t really have a right to love him after what I did, don’t I?”
Kakashi stayed silent and pondered for a moment. Sasuke liked that he didn’t try to immediately reassure him that wasn’t the case. The last thing he wanted was his feelings coddled.
“Do you think that?” Kakashi finally asked.
“I…think so. He chased me for years and I pushed him away. He loved me, even at my lowest, and yet I still pushed him away.”
“Did he say that he loved you?”
“Yes. At the final valley after we blew each other’s arms off. We were laying there, bleeding out, and he confessed. And all I could think about was how I felt nothing. Well, not nothing, but guilt. How much I wanted it to work, but I just couldn’t. I wouldn’t make him happy.”
Kakashi silently raised a brow.
Sasuke frowned. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not pitying myself. That idiot just doesn’t know what’s good for him. He never thinks about how stuff like this would affect him in the long run.”
“So if you think that, then why do you suddenly love him now?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I find comfort in the fact that now that he’s with someone else, he won’t get hurt. I can love from afar.”
Kakashi uncrossed his arms. “…Right. I was wondering if you knew about him and Hinata.”
“I don’t feel negatively about it. Well, maybe a little. But I think mostly happy for them. That isn’t the point, anyways. I’m not pining for him and hoping that he leaves her for me. It wouldn’t be fair to the both of them.”
“Then what is this really about?”
“I don’t know. I think maybe it’s why I can’t stop thinking about him. And why I can’t seem to let go of what could’ve been. Maybe all this time away caused my mind to idealize him too much.”
“Idealize him?” Kakashi inquired.
Sasuke shrugged. “I know him too well, but I also kind of feel like I don’t know him at all. There’s that whole thing with us being reincarnated soulmates. You know, all the metaphors. The sun to my moon, the light to my darkness, whatever. We were destined to love each other. But what does that tell me about him romantically? What if he’s not as good a lover as he is a friend?”
“What would make him a good lover?”
Sasuke shrugged again. “I don’t know. I’m kind of just talking out of my ass right now.”
He paused and took a deep sigh before continuing.
“The truth is, I still don’t really know what love is. And it sucks because nearly everyone does at this age and I, of course, am not like everyone. But the only time I think I’ve ever truly loved someone to this extent was my brother. And the love I have for Naruto is obviously different, which makes it scarier.”
“I think it’s because, with family, you don’t have to choose. Some of us are blessed with the luck of just being born with people who love you unconditionally. Romantic love is not like that. You cannot choose who you love, but you both can choose the outcome of that relationship. And the decisions you make can directly impact whether that person chooses to keep loving you or not. There’s always a chance that they may stop loving you, even if you don’t do anything wrong, and that’s scary,” Kakashi calmly states.
“Do you think that’s why I pushed him away? Fear of heartbreak?”
“It could also be that you’re scared to lose another person you love, because of your trauma. Same goes for me. But why is it so important? Life is a mix of experiences, and everyone has a different reason. Not everything needs insight.”
Sasuke stayed silent for a moment and reflected on what Kakashi said. He felt his stomach churn as he met Kakashi’s concerned gaze.
“Maybe you’re right, Kakashi. But I think it’s important to me because…I realized something during my journey. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I wasn’t ready for love at the time Naruto confessed, and I felt relieved when we agreed to stay friends. But now that I am ready, I am just impatiently, painfully waiting for something like that again. So I can do things right this time.”
“With Naruto, I’m assuming?”
“I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know if I’m actually in love with Naruto. Sometimes I think that maybe I’ve just fallen in love with being loved. I’m in love with the idea of a perfect person like Naruto being in love with an imperfect person like me. And that scares me. The fact that I don’t know if I’ll ever actually truly love someone, or if I’ll just love the fact that someone actually loves me. And I think the guilt from that will make me continue pushing people away.”
“And that conflicts with your desire to no longer be alone.”
“Exactly.”
“Well Sasuke, to be honest, I don’t know what to say. I’m not exactly experienced in the love department.”
Sasuke stayed silent for a moment. He forgot how similar he and Kakashi really were. He wasn’t sure if he expected a solution, or just for someone to understand.
Kakashi cleared his throat. “…But, I had fallen in love before. I didn’t think I could love anyone after losing my dad. Just the thought of loving someone to that extent just to lose them all over again would make me nauseous. But he was madly in love with someone else, so I didn’t have to worry about him loving me back. It was one-sided, and I was okay with that.”
Sasuke raised an eyebrow. He, Naruto, and Sakura had suspected there was romantic tension between Kakashi and Obito Uchiha, and it seemed like that’s who Kakashi was referring to.
Kakashi chuckled. “It hurt a little, maybe. But I was also a kid who wasn’t fully healed from my trauma yet. I knew I wasn’t ready. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.”
“Do you think I’m not ready?” Sasuke asks, avoiding his gaze.
“Well, I don’t think you’re fully healed yet. But whether you’re ready depends. Where do we go from here?”
Sasuke ponders for a moment. “I want to talk to him. I want to explain to him that whatever bullshit excuse I gave at the moment wasn’t the only reason I said no. That it was also my chaotic life reminding me that loving him would be selfish. That if I didn’t understand my own feelings first, then it would be impossible for me to understand his. I know I don’t owe him all of that information. I said no and he respected my choice. But if it gives me an excuse to talk to him, I’ll sure as hell take it.”
“Is that also why you’re back? To tell him this?”
Sasuke quickly shakes his head. “No. I’m planning to leave the village again after this talk. I just needed some insight. But…I do plan to return in a few months and talk to him. I just need…more time.”
Sasuke paused, anticipating a reaction or sarcastic remark, but Kakashi just nods.
“Well we do miss you, but no rush. Like I said, you’re still healing.”
Sasuke meets Kakashi’s gaze. “The thing is, when I return, I also want to explain to him that I…miss him. That even if I don’t know what love is, I want him to teach me. That I am willing to give it another shot if he is willing to give me a second chance. Only if he isn’t seeing anyone by then, of course.”
Kakashi raises a brow while Sasuke immediately blushes.
“W-what? Don’t look at me like that! I’m not a home wrecker,” Sasuke defensively stammers. “If Naruto is still with someone by then, I won’t even dare insert myself.”
Kakashi chuckles again. “Well then. Okay. Have you prepared yourself for what he might say?”
Sasuke nods. “A part of me dreams that he won’t be with her by then, and he agrees to give me it another shot. Or that he’ll at least say he’ll think on it. But another, more realistic part of me dreams of the possibility that he says no. That he’s in a relationship, or he’s just not looking for that right now.”
“And how would you react?”
“Not sure. Maybe I’d be heartbroken and probably want to rip my hair out. But for the most part, I think I’d also be free. Free from whatever shackles he mentally had on me. Relieved, and maybe even proud, for finally expressing what I wanted, even if I didn’t get the desired result.”
Kakashi nods. “That’s good. And what will you be doing in the meantime?”
Sasuke stayed silent.
“Sasuke, if you go back on your journey without a purpose, you may never be able to find the courage to return.”
“But this is why I came to you, Kakashi. I don’t know where to go from here. Or what my purpose even is anymore.”
Kakashi sighs and pauses for a moment. “You want my advice? Forgive yourself.”
Sasuke furrows his brows. “What do you mean?”
“You’ve been beating yourself up the entire time you’ve been here. About how feeling this way is selfish, after all you’ve done, blah blah blah. And yes, maybe you deserve it...”
Sasuke felt a pang in his heart and shifted his gaze to the ground.
“…but, I also think you’re being too harsh on yourself. You simply weren’t ready, and that’s okay. It scared you. You were afraid of getting hurt, for many reasons. You didn’t realize it, but you were subconsciously trying to protect yourself.”
Sasuke returned his gaze to Kakashi, taken aback by his sympathy. He felt his eyes begin to water.
Kakashi continued. “You know, maybe that’s another reason you can’t seem to stop thinking about Naruto. Because it was never really about him. It was mainly about you. How you still won’t forgive yourself for not only your past crimes, but losing your chances of no longer being alone, especially with someone who loved you unconditionally. Because you don’t think a person like that will ever come around again.”
A few tears began to stain Sasuke’s face as he listened intently. He wouldn’t dare speak or move, as he was scared he would have a full breakdown.
Kakashi leaned forward. “Sasuke. Sasuke—look at me—I’m going to tell you something that even Naruto has trouble understanding. There’s a difference between being alone and lonely. Even if you are alone, you will never be lonely when there are people who love you. And we love you, Sasuke. We forgive you. In fact, we were never mad. We understood what vengeance does to a person, and why you did what you did. And between you and me, I would’ve killed Danzo if I had the chance too.”
Sasuke gave a small smile as Kakashi chuckled.
He continued. “We were just upset that you had to isolate yourself to do that. If we didn’t love you, we wouldn’t have cared. And trust me, Naruto loves you, platonic or not. I know you are still healing, so it may be difficult to hear, but the only person who hasn’t forgiven you is…you, Sasuke.”
Sasuke wiped his eyes and looked at Kakashi. His beloved sensei. He gazed at the Team 7 picture again. His inner child smiled, reminiscing the memories they all had. They truly did love him.
Kakashi followed Sasuke’s gaze and smiled. He removed the picture from the frame and gave it to him.
“Take it. I think it will help you a lot on your journey.”
Sasuke accepted the picture and gave another small smile.
“Kakashi, do you think forgiving myself will allow me to finally stop thinking about him? That is, if I’m willing to forgive myself?”
“Maybe, maybe not. But at least you will be at peace. And I think that matters most.”
They sat in silence for a moment, until Kakashi abruptly stands up and starts stretching.
“Well, get outta here then! I’m late for happy hour and the last thing I need is for Gai to start causing problems because he’s a lightweight.”
Sasuke stands up as well, straightening his cloak. “What about your files?”
Kakashi grabs the mountain of papers and shoves them into the desk cabinet. “What files?”
Sasuke smirks as he slowly exits the office. He stops at the door and watches as Kakashi wraps a scarf around his neck.
“Hey, Kakashi?”
“Yeah?”
“Could you not tell the others I came?”
“Yeah I know, I got you.”
Sasuke lingered at the door. “And uh…Kakashi?”
Kakashi pauses what he’s doing and sighs. “What now, Sasuke?”
“Thank you. I love you guys too.”
Kakashi smiles underneath his mask. Taking in how emotionally mature this troublesome boy has gotten. It was a long, painful process, but he was a proud sensei indeed.
“No problem, kid. Now get out before someone sees you,” he says, shooing him away.
Sasuke smiled as he discreetly left the village to continue his journey.
Maybe it was a matter of “right person wrong time”. Sasuke did love Naruto, and he hoped for his own sake that he is the right person for him. That even if he said no, they would maybe find each other again in the future and it would finally be the right time for them. But there’s also a possibility that at the end of the day, they were probably just not meant to be.
He could spend the entire journey wondering what could’ve been, or he could spend that time learning to forgive himself. Not only for what happened with Naruto, but for…everything.
Maybe that is the final step to moving on.