I know I should hate you
Sakura was in her apartment, sitting at the dining room table. A drink in front of her was the only thing in her line of vision. Focusing on it felt a job she needed to succeed.
It was getting hard. No, it is hard. It has been hard, it has been so difficult she felt as if she had been running for so long, she had come back to the start.
She heard from Kakashi that Sasuke was back for a prolonged period of time. Hearing that gave her an out of body experience. Hands starting to shake, so she hid them behind her back, as her mind wandered while Kakashi kept talking.
Since he left it felt like a traumatizing dance between the two. She begged him to stay and he never looked back. There were few instances where their paths crossed but it felt like hitting a dead end. Thankfully he never stayed too long in the village or ever wrote her.
So there she was spiraling again. Talking to herself with a drink in her hand. The drink is gone, the bottle empty. What was she doing?
She was the one who patiently waited so she could be by his side and they didn’t end up the way they were supposed to.
Sakura hit her cheek, GOD COULD YOU BE ANY MORE SELFISH? She yelled at herself.
You can be SELFISH! Her mind yelled back. Was it bad to love someone and want them to come back to you? All she wanted was love but there was emptiness staring back at her.
I’m selfish for wanting him here, I’m selfish for waiting for him. I’m selfish for loving a man so trauma filled. For hurting those so badly the wound is open until eternity. He continued to hurt those and hurt me! He breaks my heart every time. And that day at the gate…
His aim was almost perfect when he tried killing her twice. Unfortunately the execution wasn’t perfect but the pain was.
Even at his worst she could never hate him.
But oh the pain? That she hated.
When she spiraled like this her thoughts went crazy.
I should hate you I feel so stupid.
Because who else is waiting for someone who went rogue, who tried killing them, who time and time again tried cutting ties?
The way she would rush home to talk to herself about him. The walls knew all her secrets.
Even though she didn’t know what the hell he was doing or where he was, she thought of him.
And I swear to god I’d kill you if I loved you less hard.
Sakura thought if she killed him, she could bare the burden of it.
She did, she tried but failed. She felt as if failure came back to her like the sun came up each morning.
But even now, she gets disappointed. Him in the village, her in her home or the hospital.
He’s probably doing all right and she’s thinking of him in each man that tries to confess to her. Sakura wished she could move on, but she can’t.
How if he gave her a bone she’s catch it and return it to him.
I know I should hate you, but I can’t.