Uncertainty
She groaned in defeat as she ran the brush through her frizzy hair again and again. It was a wavy mess, untamable. It made her frustrated as tears pricked her eyes, chest pounding. "Fuck," she cried out as tears fell, throwing the brush against the bathroom wall. She felt choked up as her breathing was shaky and weak, stumbling back to lean on the doorframe for support. She was adorned in a baggy pastel green tee-shirt that just about covered her white shorts that hung on her. To be out of hospital garbs was a blessing. But her eyes appeared sunken in as her bags were dark below them. There was hardly any color to her skin from the lack of sunlight, and her lack of nutrition catching up.
"Chi are you okay?" Sakura's voice called out against the bathroom door hearing the commotion.
"Yeah I'm good!" Chihiro called back, trying to make her voice sound normal.
Everyone insisted she stay in the hospital for a few days, to keep herself under constant supervision in case the cloak figure struck again. And because they worried for Chihiro's sake. She was all too familiar with hospitals back in Yggdrasil, spending quite a bit of time there in the last few years. With the few days that passed, her mental state had improved. Chihiro came to terms with her attempt had been out of her control, that she didn't make the choice for herself. It was sickening that someone would control someone's mind to do such a heart wrenching act. Chihiro wanted the man caught. Wanted him to suffer in ways he was making her suffer.
Chihiro took a deep breath before she exited the bathroom that was attached to the room she'd been kept in, "I'm good. Just, hair wasn't working for me."
Sakura smiled at her kindly, nodding in understanding, "want me to help?"
"No no, don't bother. It's fine for now." Chihiro felt overwhelmed by the frustration towards her hair, towards her situation, and her chest was pounding. She wanted to scream, to cry, to throw something harder than the way she threw her brush. Wanted to cease all functions and show every emotion coursing through her. And the difficulty of holding it in was clawing at her to be set free.
"Okay." They needed to be patient, understanding with Chihiro. Sakura had gathered everyone to explain to them how fragile of a state she was in. Nothing that could upset her should walk through the door to be brought to her. Any sort of mind control jutsu was nothing to play with, the effects they were having on her were plenty. Confusion and hurt, and regret. And Sakura was scared it would bring Chihiro to decide to end her life without the jutsu. That it could have been the plan all along- to have her saved then Chihiro end it under her own pretenses. So they walked on tiptoes around her to be safe.
Chihiro felt weak, felt tiny in the baggy clothes that adorned her. She felt utterly exhausted, her spirit drained like she could sleep for days. And she would if Sakura didn't keep waking her.
Knowing her burdens was what made her despair at that point. Many of Akira's words and the scrolls read came to haunt her. Perhaps it was the knowledge that made her question if throwing herself off the cliff really was a bad idea. She was eighteen getting ready to graduate her academy just months ago, now burdened. Unlike the shinobi of Konoha who knew what they were signing up for with danger, she was not prepared. Chihiro didn't want her life to fall apart as it felt like it was slowly slipping through her fingers. A feeling of woe rising from the depths of her chest like it was going to grab her and drag her down.
"What if I should have died..." Chihiro's words broke through the silence of the room. They were so quiet, but so impactful.
"Don't say such a thing." Sakura said, pulling her into a hug instantly. The force of her body slamming into Sakura's made her tear up and not from the thump, but from the emotion of feeling another person hold her. Chihiro squeezed her back, resting her head against her shoulder. She missed the way Hana would hold her on bad days or when Kai laid with her after a heartbreak. Chihiro felt accepted. And it hurt at the same time.
"I miss them so much!" she cried against Sakura's uniform, letting the dam spill, "Hana, Kai, Kasumi. Even just seeing kids from class that I barely conversed with... I miss my bed, even my teachers! Even the terrible food at times. But then I'm also happy here and it ruins me even more. I'm so confused Sakura." Chihiro's breaths were shaky as she struggled to inhale then exhale.
"I'll never fully understand Chi but, I think you're so strong. I'm so sorry this is happening." her voice was smoothing to Chihiro in the moment. Sakura was the first person she laid eyes on when she arrived and always went out of her way for Chihiro. Thankfulness towards the pink haired girl made Chihiro pull away from the hug and sit onto the bed she spent days laying in.
Chihiro peered down at her arms, bruises littering her delicate skin as her veins were abused from IV's. Sakura wouldn't let her take them out, and if she tried they were forced right back in. Constantly scolded for her poor physical state, having to use the tiny tubes to feed nutrition her body so desperately craved... it was exhausting and demeaning. She felt hollow like her body could barely support itself, like she was running on empty even with days of constant care.
"Tomorrow you deserve a full day of relaxation. I can make you some tea that'll help your stomach... maybe some rice?"
"That sounds nice. But I don't even know if I am hungry." Chihiro sniffled, "what did you have in mind about a day of relaxation?"
"Onsen! We have amazing hot springs here. Get you a personal one and you can lounge in the water and not worry one bit. Maybe you could invite Neji," Sakura nudged her as she teasingly added in the second part to lighten the mood.
"I-Is Neji okay?"
"Why wouldn't he be?"
"Because I- I can't imagine how this impacted him. I want him to be okay..." Chihiro stated with a blush as remorse panged in her chest.
"He's just really worried about you, wants to know who's doing this."
"Is that why everyone's been gone?"
"Yeah. I'm not sure what they think they'll find but they're doing all they can. Neji is hellbent."
"I appreciate how much he does for me..."
"The way he looks at you- it's like he'd die to protect you, it's definitely an intense thing. You should have seen him with you, trying to just like... make you better."
Chihiro shook her head, "I'm not sure what to say to that."
"Do you like him?" Sakura asked bluntly.
"I- I don't know." Chihiro couldn't even look at Sakura as she responded. Her heart immediately sped up, an upturn pulling at her lips.
"Aish don't lie. I can tell when friends of mine like each other. And you're bright pink."
Friends. Chihiro liked being referred to as Sakura's friend it made her chest soar, "I do like him." she whispered, "a lot, as in love but... I need more time for that."
Sakura emitted a soft squeal of excitement, "don't worry I won't say anything.. except maybe to Ino."
"That's okay. And besides I could never tell Neji."
"Why?"
"Well I'd want him to do it first," she explained shyly, "but also I have no idea what's going to happen to me. Wouldn't be fair to either of us. Which uh, wow," she sniffled, "saying that aloud hurts." tears were welling in Chihiro's eyes all over again.
Sakura's lips formed an 'O' shape as she immediately understood, "yeah shit. I'm sorry... Chi?"
"Mhmm?" Chihiro hummed through her melancholy.
"Have I ever told you about Sasuke?"
"I mean, I've heard about him, his family and what not. I learned about the massacre in school..."
"I wish he'd come back."
"I know you two are dating but I didn't want to ask why he's never been around."
"He's travelling." Sakura said with a soft hint of annoyance to her voice. "he ups and leaves, becomes and enemy, comes back and can't stay put. He's complicated. But in a way, I feel for you more because I know what it's like to not know what'll happen between you and the person you care about most."
"What do you think I should do?"
Sakura took a deep breath, as if she was calculating her next words on if this was the advice to give, "go for it. Even if it hurts later."
Chihiro would take her words to heart, even if she logically knew the downfall it could bring. But even so, she'd wait for Neji, as he could very well not view her as more than a friend. Which that thought alone made her heart hurt. Her eyes darted over a bag that sat on the chair besides the bed she once laid up in, knowing her clothes from the other day were in there.
"Are you going to be bringing me home?" Chihiro asked,
"Yeah, do you feel okay to walk?"
"I think it'll be good for me to get some air and exercise anyways."
The two didn't talk much as they left the hospital, for awhile Chihiro holding onto Sakura's arm just in case. She was tired. Her stomach was empty. Tinges of faintness would pound at her head and eye sight, yet she didn't want to say anything.
Her mind was on a certain person though, his lavender eyes imprinted on her mind. Chihiro would look for him everywhere. Praying he'd be the next person to walk into her hospital room during her stay. Or whilst she walked him she prayed to see him in the crowd, racing at her to pick her up. Always in the back of her mind was Neji- wondering what he was up to, wondering if he was thinking of her, or just all their moments together. She daydreams about their hesitant touches when they pull away instantly, pink on their cheeks. Chihiro wanted to see him!
Neji hadn't been around much since that fateful day. It was like he was having a hard time looking at her or even being around her. Had she pushed him away? Did he view her as a waste of time now? She never intended to scare anyone off or make their life increasingly difficult. Chihiro never wanted to be a burden. So she did wonder, constantly, why Neji wasn't visiting. Though if Sakura says he's been busy getting to the bottom of the cloaked figure then, it made sense and she'd trust the medical nin. The last thing Chihiro needed was thinking about Neji walking out of her life.
It was hard to know what was in store for her exactly. There was unknowns circling her mind that could have been paralyzing if it wasn't for her ability to focused. The ability she had to keep moving even through the toughest of times.
The faint chill of a once warm night felt like heaven to her, making her feel free as it hit her face. The serenity of the darkening sky above her and the slowly emptying streets made her feel ethereal. Like she was walking on water smiling as she looked around being the person of her own story as she felt the air around her. In moments she'd be walking up the stairs to her apartment, but first her and Sakura hugged like it'd be the last time. With eyes that told their inner sorrow and understanding, they parted ways with smiles.
Within the seconds it took her reach her apartment, Chihiro was met with a sight that made her chest soar. On her doorstep was a bouquet of baby pink tulips.