Parental anxiety
The village of Konoha began to quiet down as night began to fall. Shopkeepers were closing their doors, teachers were walking home, the ANBU were heading back to their headquarters to rotate shifts, and Ninja was getting back from missions. Most Ninjas, that is, were getting back from their missions, not Gai, not tonight. No, he’d be out till late the next day, at least. This left Kakashi to take care of Sakura, alone. This was the first time Kakashi has taken care of Sakura alone, usually, he’s the one on longer missions, but this one demanded Gai’s expertise in Taijutsu. Or, if Gai was gone Asuma or Kurenai would stay the night and help. Not tonight, though, they were also both out on missions. To say Kakashi was nervous would be an understatement. He was hoping bedtime would bring him a brief reprieve. How much anxiety can a kid give you if they're asleep, right?
Sakura was lying on the floor, she was clearly quite sleepy, though still, she tried to will her body to play with the toys that dangled overhead to no avail. She was far too sleepy. Kakashi had things he needed to do before putting Sakura to bed, but he didn’t feel comfortable leaving her lying there alone. He debated the idea of summoning Pakkun to watch over her, though that idea was quickly shot down. He had been relying on the ninken too much recently, Kakashi would most definitely never hear the end of it. They love Sakura, really they did, but they weren’t babysitters they were ninken. Once in a while was okay, but Kakashi had been calling on them a lot lately. He’s just a bit anxious about Sakura. Kakashi decided he would use one of the baby carriers he and Gai bought. The cloth was long and soft, he had spent some time figuring out how best to wrap the cloth. He may have used Pakkun to practice, but that’s not relevant!
Kakashi walked over to Sakura, she cooed moving her hand in an attempt to reach Kakashi’s arms. He smiled, “I’m comin’ sweet girl,” when she was in his arms he rocked her back and forth, “I gotcha.” He watched Sakura make grabby hands at him, she was smiling so brightly, her coos filled with love. It truly amazed Kakashi how quickly he became smitten with her. Gently, carefully, he began to wrap the cloth around his body. His hands shook a bit, nervous he’d do something wrong. He didn’t. Sakura actually seemed quite pleased with the setup. Kakashi could feel her body relax, she began gripping and letting go of the fabric of Kakashi’s shirt. After double and triple checking that the wrap was secured, he began to clean. First the kitchen, then the living room, then he put the laundry on, then he did the dishes, and then he realized he was stalling. Trying to do any chores that he could think of to prolong putting Sakura in her crib. When he was carrying her he could feel her breath, either from her exhale or the way her chest moved against his. He could feel her heartbeat and know that she was alive. He couldn’t do that in a crib, well he could, kinda, but eventually, he would have to go to his bedroom to sleep. Kakashi stared at Sakura utterly conflicted. She was asleep, did it matter where? Maybe, probably, definitely. If they sleep in the same bed he might roll over and suffocate her, he was terrified to learn how often that happens from Tsunade. Maybe he could just not sleep? No, Gai would most definitely scold and probably make him talk about his constant anxiety surrounding Sakura’s mortality. Yikes, he didn’t want either of those. It seemed like the only thing he could do was put her to bed. He glanced out the window. The previously orange sky, vaguely illuminated by the sun, was now pitch black with bright white dots sprinkled across it. He sighed, he had no choice, not really.
Suddenly, Kakashi was much more anxious, he felt like he was going to have a panic attack. He went around the house, checking for any possible intruders, turning off every light till he finally reach Sakura’s nursery. He liked it better when she was in his and Gai’s room. Sure, it was inconvenient to be woken by the various noise she made, positive or negative, but Gai had really only forced them to move her out of their room because Kakashi spent an entire night just watching her sleep, making sure she was still alive. He claimed her presence in their room was making Kakashi more neurotic than normal. He was right, of course. It was much easier to check on her when she was in their room, though. Kakashi entered her room, he would just stay for a bit after he readied her for bed. He changed her diaper, he debated whether or not to wake her for a bottle.
‘She’ll definitely cry if she wants one,’ he thought, ‘she’s not crying now and she didn’t seem fussy or hungry earlier. Maybe I’ll just wait.’ Kakashi knew he needed to calm down, he knew prolonging this would only make things worse, so he set her down gently. Very gently. He stared at her for a moment before walking to the chair in the corner of her room. Staring up at the ceiling Kakashi forced himself to take deep breaths, whispering to himself, “She’s okay, I’m okay.” He repeated those words like a mantra. He knew logically this was fact, he was still waiting for his heart to catch up on that fact.
After a while, he returned his gaze to her crib, checking the clock on her wall he realized he had been sitting there dissociating for an hour. He panicked, rushing over to her. He watched her chest rise and fall, putting his hand above her face, waiting to feel her breath. When she breathed, and he double-triple-checked that she did, he calmed down again.
Kakashi extended a careful touch, his hand reaching into the crib, his fingers brushing against Sakura's tiny hand. A sense of calm washed over him, he always felt himself begin to soothe at the touch of a loved one, and it helped remind him that she was okay. Her body was warm and her skin was peach with pink along her knuckles and cheeks, she was alive. Gently, he traced his thumb over the curve of Sakura's cheek, she stirred, her lips parting in a dreamy smile. Kakashi smiled, allowing himself to watch her a bit longer.
With a final gaze at Sakura, Kakashi turned to leave the room. He was still incredibly anxious, but he had calmed enough to leave her side. He reminded himself that she would be okay, that nothing would happen when he left, one more time before stepping out into the hallway. Kakashi cast a final glance at Sakura’s now closed nursery door.
With a sigh Kakashi headed to the bathroom, readying himself for bed. He may have taken a bit longer to brush his teeth or to wash his face, just in case she cried out for him. She didn’t. So, he headed to his room, his body exhausted. His pace was sluggish as he made his way to the bed he shared with Gai. He spent some time reassuring himself once more, before finally allowing himself to slide under the covers. A comforting heat enveloped his body as he pulled the blanket over him.
She would be okay, he would be okay.