Why is it Always Me?!
3rd Person POV
As I walk up the path to Tsuzumi Mansion, I hear the telltale sounds of hand-to-hand combat, and I sigh heavily.
“Why am I always the one dispatched to handle these unruly brats ?” I grumble,
“ I heard it! He broke his ribs! ”
“ Oh dear Lord . ” I pray, breaking into a run, I hear a familiar breathless laugh as I round one of the many bends in the road, and my scowl deepens as I begin to hear the voices arguing as the fight resumes. “ Of fucking course , Hashibira Inosuke… I should’ve beaten the rules into your thick skull! ”
I burst around the final corner, finding a straight shot to the mansion’s front door, with three civilian kids, one Slayer crouched over a wooden pack of some kid that reeks of demon presence and-
“ HASHIBIRA INOSUKE! KAMADO TANJIRO! ” Both boys freeze at my enraged scream, allowing me to see that my little brother is wearing his uniform, and Inosuke is half-naked!
In the middle of August!
I notice Tanjiro’s bloody nose and feel a small vein in my vein start to throb, both boys shrink back, making themselves very small as I storm over with footsteps hard enough to crack the earth under my feet.
“ Ow ow ow ow ow- ” They chorus their whimpers as I grab their ears and drag them behind me, tossing them down next to the other boy - what the Hell happened to his FACE - and begin to pull out my small medkit.
“You three better have a downright award-winning explanation for your behavior-” I point at Tanjiro,
“-Your dress -” I point at Inosuke,
“-and your injuries.” I point at the third boy, who shrinks away from me slightly with a nervous whimper of his own. “And you three better get over here, I’m not about to send you home to your mother like that! My own mother would wring my neck!”
“A-about that…” Tanjiro says nervously, I raise an eyebrow at him coldly, “Uh, it-well, I-I, um, the-the man training me, he-he didn’t trust the post office, so-so, um, well, I-I couldn’t, uh, it-it happened-”
“ Tanjiro. ”
“ Mom died two years ago, actually, everyone except Nezuko died, and Nezuko’s a demon, I’m trying to fix it, but I couldn’t write you because my trainer was really really paranoid about the post and you were always really slow to write back when we were home and- ” I drop the kit and grab his shoulders as my stomach drops out of my chest, and it feels like the world’s stopped spinning.
“Deep breath, little one.” I murmur to him shakily, “Where’s Nezuko right now? ”
Tanjiro points to the box that the beat-up yellow-obsessed boy is protecting, and the yellow boy clutches it tighter as I release Tanjiro and lean over.
But all I do is knock gently on the top of it.
Nezuko knocks back - in the same pattern she used to in our ‘ boys not allowed ’ fort.
And I smile weakly as I drop my shoulders.
“As long as she doesn’t eat anyone, Tanjiro-”
“I know, Akina.” He looks up at me with watery, desperate eyes, “I know.”
As soon as I hear what Inosuke attempted in Tsuzumi Mansion, I smack the mask right off his head, causing multiple gasps.
“You’re lucky I can’t ground you or you wouldn’t be allowed to fight others for a month. ” I snarl lowly at him, he whines weakly at me, giving me his most pathetic puppy-dog eyes. “ Don’t try it, Inosuke - not only did you get in the way of saving people , but you stepped on a helpless child! That is honorless , scum behavior. If I ever hear of you doing so again, I won’t care if I’m your mother or not. I will intervene.”
I grab his jaw in my hand with a harsh grip, lifting it so he faces me, eye-to-eye with no escape.
“ Do. You. Under. Stand? ” I hiss,
“Yes, Kamado-sensei.” He mewls pathetically, I release his face, all five of the other kids look at me in awe, and I raise my eyebrow at them calmly. “What!? She-”
I grab his ear and he falls into a whining pile again.
“He’s a feral brat, but - unfortunately - he’s been assigned to be my feral brat.” I give him a small side-glare, “As soon as others in the Corps noticed he was self-taught , concerns were raised, and I became noted as he quote-unquote ' supervisor-slash-sensei ’ - which neither of us are happy about, but unlike him, I can’t exactly run away from my responsibilities.”
“Sure you can! You just- AUCH! ” I chop him on the top of the head again, sighing deeply as I do so, the civilian kids giggle loudly at us, and I give them a small smile. Two crows begin to circle over our heads, one of them cawing loudly - and really fakely.
“Looks like playtime’s over, kids.” I look up at the crows, “Can you three get home safely or do you need an escort?”
My crow - lovingly nicknamed Karasu - lands on my knee, back facing the civilians as she leans into my ear quietly.
“ Your next mission, for all of you, is down the mountain. Don’t let those kids out of your sight, my Slayer. ” I stiffen up, assessing the situation immediately.
The eldest civilian child has a broken leg.
Tanjiro has a broken rib and a broken leg.
Nezuko can’t come out, it’s daylight.
Inosuke has a concussion and his ribs are broken in three places.
Zenitsu has an anxiety disorder so he becomes paralyzed and can’t fight.
The other two children are too small and not trained, letting them run away from a fight would be just as much of a death sentence as letting them help.
“ Ah ,” I murmur quietly, the kids are so taken by the crow landing on me - I hear more than one utterance of ‘ pet ’ - that my small gasp only gets the attention of the boys. “ We appear to have a problem, gentlemen. ”
“ Oh no. ” Zenitsu whimpers pathetically,
“ New mission? ” Inosuke begs,
“ Aneki? What’s wrong? ” Tanjiro asks, nervous, and I lean towards them, all three of them huddle forward quickly.
“ We have a new mission - down the mountain. ” Inosuke’s smirk gets wiped off his face as he looks over to the siblings, “ We’ll have to take this one step at a time, but if it comes down to it, I want you three to hang back and protect those three, okay? I’m strong enough on my own to handle most demons, but if this turns out to be what I think it is, then we have no need to worry. ”
“ Why? ” Tanjiro whispers back, my lips twitch, and I hold up a finger to my lips conspiritally. They all pout at me.
“ Don’t worry. It won’t hurt. ” Then I slid my eyes over to Inosuke, “ Unless you’re exceptionally rude or stupid. ”
“ NOO! YOU CAN’T! I won’t allow it! ” Zenitsu wails, I share a look with Tanjiro, holding Inosuke back from violence by his deer pelt belt. “ Don’t go, Shoichi! Please, you’ve got to stay with us! I’ve seen how powerful you are! I need you around to protect me from dangerrrr- ”
“ STOP IT! ” Tanjiro grabs Zenitsu by the back of his haori and yanks him off the poor boy, and I quickly release Inosuke’s pelt before grabbing his arms, twisting them behind his back and planting him between Zenitsu and his ‘ savior ’ before I twist and check and on the poor, innocent kid.
(Who looks very tired.)
“ Do I want the context for this fit? ” I whisper in Shoichi’s ear,
“ I think he sleep-walks. ” He whispers back, “ But, like, with fighting instead? He fainted into my lap at the sight of a demon, then a few seconds later he was snoring, then a few seconds later he got up and said something about ‘ Thunder Breathing: Thunderclap and Flash ’? And then he was across the room, the demon’s head was popping off as he let off a really soft snore, but when the demon’s head bumped him, he startled up and shrieked and assumed I did it. ”
I sigh tiredly, pinching the bridge of my nose heavily.
“Great.” I state heavily, “Just what I needed. Thank you for the information Shoichi, this will help me a lot, actually, I’m just not happy about what I’m gonna have to do with it, okay? Now, why don’t you three take these for your trouble?”
I reach into the pocket of my trousers - the day I wear the skirt will be the day I get buried - and I pull out three warding sachets with long cords attached to them, all of them reeking of wisteria.
“What are they?” The little girl asks, I hum as I think over my answer,
“You know how sometimes bugs don’t like certain flowers and birds can’t stand caffeine or spicy things?” I ask them, they nod, “Demons can’t tolerate the things inside these sachets - think of them as demon repellants! It’s more important that your big brother wears his, since he’s mariachi, but I thought it’d be a good idea for all three of you to have one.”
I turn to the eldest, gently grabbing his shoulder and looking into his eyes firmly.
“Young man,” He stands up straight hurriedly, puffing out his chest slightly, “Do not ever take this off. Not for any reason. It only works when it is on your person - in your hand, in your pocket, draped around your neck - the how does not matter. Only that you keep it on.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Good boy.” I pat his head, “Now why don’t you three head home? I’m sure your mother must be worried sick.”
As we follow the crows, I carry Zenitsu on my back, following a familiar path, with Tanjiro walking in front of me, and Inosuke stubbornly attempting to challenge him from behind me.
(He’s not getting anywhere, other than annoying me and Zenitsu.)
It all stops when we arrive at our destination. Two crows and a sparrow (I have questions) come to land as the boys group around me questioningly, and I chuckle as Inosuke pokes the sparrow playfully and gets poked back - starting what I hope is merely a playful poking game - as I settle Zenitsu on his own two feet.
“C’mon, Zen, we’re here.”
“ But ‘m tirrreeedddd! ” He mewls, leaning against me pitifully, I chuckle softly at him, gently petting his head as Tanjiro nervously steps in front of me. I place a hand on his head too.
“Boys,” Inosuke stops poking the sparrow, turning to face me easily, “Welcome to Wisteria House. I need to go back to Tsuzumi Mansion for a little while tonight, do some research, but this place is safe for you.”
I look at Tanjiro specifically at the last two words.
His face doesn’t change as he nods, but Nezuko’s box shakes slightly on his back.
“Nezuko, stay in there until I come back, okay? I have no guarantees that this is safe for you.” I reach behind Tanjiro and gently pat the top of the box, and she stops shaking it. We all hear the angry huff, but she knocks her old knock again, and I smile. “Thank you, imouto-chan.”
“ Awww. ” Zenitsu melts, soft and sleepy like, and Tanjiro smiles warmly at him, but Inosuke huffs angrily. “What?”
“How come Sensei doesn’t call me something cute like that? ” I bark a laugh, but wrap an arm around his shoulders and wrestle him into a hug as he fights back. “ What new move is this!? I will defeat- ”
“ It’s called a hug , you feral brat! ” I laugh, the door creaks open, and Zenitsu shrieks with surprise, latching onto me like his life depends on it. “ Oh , hello ma’am! We’re so sorry to disturb you so late at night, but my Mizunoto charges are injured and tired from our latest hunts, and my work isn’t done yet. Do you have any available space for us?”
“But of course, Kinoe Kamado.” All three boys snap up and face me with big eyes, looking ready to fall over from shock, and I quietly hold a finger to my lips. She easily shoos them all inside and away, she looks at me as I hover and blinks, and I gently tap my finger to my lips - a gesture that almost universally means to keep something secret - and she nods.
I’m satisfied, and turn back toward Tsuzumi Mansion, and all the horrors that no doubt await me there.
I sigh, rubbing my eyes tiredly.
“Still no mention of how Kyogai became a demon…” I stumble up to the door of Wisteria House, raising my hand to knock, only to have it open before I could strike it. “Hello again, ma’am.”
“ Oh dear. ” She murmurs, looking at me, “You need a bath, my dear Kinoe.”
I give her a small smile, and follow her, stumbling after her weakly. Upon arriving at the bathhouse, she easily sets out towels and soaps as I disrobe behind curtains, reaching under it for the towel to cover myself, and I quietly come out and follow her to the showers.
“ Ohh. That feels so nice.” I hum, feeling the hot water splash against my ankles, and the white-haired old lady chuckles. “It’s been a while since I’ve had hot water available.”
“Take as long as you need, Kinoe Kamado. You clearly did more than just research.” She pats my back, and I look down at my hands, noticing just how much blood and dirt I actually got on them while I buried Tsuzumi Mansion’s many victims.
I sigh heavily as I take the shower head from her, she nods and leaves me to it.
“- morning, Nezuko. ” I pause, raising an eyebrow, the door to the room only cracked but bubbly giggles pouring out like rainwater. “ How are you today? ”
I sigh deeply, quickly entering, wearing nothing but a sleeping kimono that (unfortunately) shows off my chest far too much - but I’d rather get harassed than have Nezuko get harried (and risk her doing something she’d regret…)
“ Oi oi oi , Zenitsu,” I interjet, Nezuko quickly flees behind me, he immediately snaps to attention, looking at me in surprise as I rake a hand through my hair. “Could you not ? I just finished burying people, I’d rather not have to go through that again.”
“ Oh , oka- wait! Are you threatening to- ” I ignore his sudden tears as I walk over to Tanjiro and Inosuke.
“Inosuke, they want to wash our clothes for us. Get back in your sleeping kimono.” I order, he immediately looks gleeful, “Tanjiro, I’m tired, can I borrow your futon? We’ll be staying here for the rest of today anyway at the very least.”
“Of course, Aneki! Uh, about Zenitsu-”
“If he keeps bothering Nezuko or starts bothering you, just come cuddle up with me, okay? I won’t actually kill him, but I wake up as easily as I used to - probably easier.” I tell him, ruffling his hair calmly, he nods carefully.
I groan quietly as I settle in Tanjiro futon, and Nezuko immediately crawls in with me, curling up close to my chest with her ear over my heart. I smile softly as I thread my fingers through her hair, gently, cradling her closer to me as I kiss her forehead softly.