Where were they going again? Vanja could never seem to remember. Especially on days when the rides were long and quiet, she was always lost in the curve of dry hills melting in with the yawning expanse of an orange sky, playing with hues of purple and red along the line of the horizon as the sun continued down the path of its restless descent. As the two rode through California's mostly undisturbed wilds before they themselves melted in with plains of burning desert.
Panam never let V drive her baby Thorton ever since she accidentally scratched it way back with the Raffens. Which meant that V always rode shotgun--and when she wasn't mindlessly focused on the beauty that was nature, she was watching Panam.
Committing her never changing hairstyle to memory before her eyes kissed a trail down her forehead, smiling at the bottomless pits of earthy brown that were her eyes. Tracing the curve of her nose before it dipped down into full lips that were almost always chapped, the ones she'd imagined herself tasting every single night when the Relic had let the pain subside and returned control over her mind.
She found it amusing how adamantly Panam refused to wear lip balm of any kind while also barely drinking any water unless she was dying of thirst. Then, her gaze landed on her neck, eyes passing scattered moles and stray strands of hair that passed below her jawline. Taking note of light scars and lingering drops of sweat that the sun hadn't managed to reach in order to dry out.
It was as if somebody took the time and care to sculpt her, to get every single feature right, every scar and mark, every single imperfection that made her a work of perfection. Like a statue made of marble from Ancient Rome or Greece, the ones made by people who learned the craft from birth, that never had a hardship in their life - with that magic touch that had been lost centuries ago when capitalism rose in ranks.
And Vanja didn't know when it would happen, but she'd catch herself staring at the empty space between Panam's bodysuit and jeans, at the windows of skin that she wanted to touch, to slide her fingers up beneath the hemline of the green fabric just to feel the warmth of her, to have the privilege of loving her openly, like Vanja had wished ever since Panam rejected her. To trace the scar from that time they tracked Hellman and a drone's stray bullet managed to pierce her skin, to feel the raised lines of the healed wound, and to chase the lingering pain away with a sweet kiss. To undo the button of her jeans, pull the zipper open, get the denim out of the way so that she could show her how much she truly adored her.
And, as always, what managed to pull her from that train of thought--that fantasy that she'd knew would never happen--was Johnny's cruel laughter from the backseat. Like it had been the most entertaining thing she'd done as of yet and he just had to make his amusement known. Had to ruin it. To embarass her, make her feel ashamed.
Vanja already was ashamed of her own thoughts about the woman sitting next to her, it wasn't fair how Johnny amplified those feelings to a whole 'nother level.
It made the redhead's cheeks heat up, made her eyes shoot up to catch Johnny's own through his sunglasses. "You're like a dog that has yet to be spayed, droolin' and shakin' at the mere thought of a bitch." he grinned, malicious and over the top. He always was over the top. Alt, Rogue, Kerry, Samurai... he always destroyed good things with his hatred, his anger, his narcissism and the need to be the centre of attention. Always taking away from people who really needed it.
It really made Vajna rethink the two's entire relationship. Friends or enemies? Both? She still couldn't figure it out. It annoyed the netrunner to no end. "Oh, shut it." she thought, rolling her eyes at him. "As if I don't get assaulted by memories of Johnny Silverhand being a lost puppy around Alt. Seriously, you're worse than me." in more ways than one.
Johnny scowled at the truth or lack thereof--he never made it clear. He crossed his arms across his chest, glaring at V as if that'd somehow make him come out on top. "You have no idea what you're talkin' about, kid." he scoffed, "Johnny Silverhand never submits." glitching in place as he seemed to think--something he barely did, as per V's thoughts. It didn't take long before a dumb idea popped up in that lack of a brain that he owned.
The engram leaned forward, reaching out as if he were tangible and able to be felt by someone other than just V, who followed his movements, as glitchy, see through hands, reached out--landing on Panam's shoulders before slowly moving down to grope her chest, only for V to see and know. Doing what she'd fantasized about so many times but twisting the whole meaning of it, because where Vanja's touch was loving and caring, his was possesive and selfish.
He didn't give, he took without remorse, without a thought for the other.
That's where their differences began. V would help every stranger she met if she thought they deserved it, she'd take a bullet for her friends, she'd drop everything she was doing to help her loved ones who were in need.
Johnny? Fuck, he wouldn't do any of that. He was self absorbed, only his issues mattered, only he was hurt, only he needed help. So many times he'd told V to ditch her friends who asked for her assistance, so many times he'd complained about being dragged through scav hideouts and places where XBDS were scrolled, bloodied and horrific as they were.
Sure, he was misunderstood sometimes. But it wasn't like he was trying to make people understand! He just wanted them to, without any help.
And sure, that was something V also wanted. But Vanja didn't act all pissy when it didn't happen.
She couldn't believe it. She knew Johnny was an asshole, filth in human form. But this? This was too fucking much. He'd crossed a line just to mess with her! It disgusted Vanja as much as it shocked her. The way his hands slid down Panam's body with such a clear message spelled out, it made her feel sick. That he'd violate her friend--her crush--in such a way.
It were times like these that reminded her that he was just a man stuck in her mind.
A man.
She wasn't even angry, just disappointed. In him, in his behavior. If she could zap him out of her mind, she would. How much of a fucking douchebag could he be? Well, V just got the long awaited answer to her question. She just shook her head and turned away, deciding to ignore Johnny completely for the rest of the ride - closing her eyes to maybe grab a wink or two before they reached their destination.
"V? Oh, come on! It was funny!" Johnny tried, poking and prodding at Vanja's brain from the inside. Though, it didn't produce any results, she was fully just tuning him out.
While Johnny was attempting to annoy her into giving up and actually paying attention to him, she heard Panam's fingers drum against the wheel, heard the leather squeak under her weight, the hum of thought that left the nomad's lips. It didn't take long before Vanja felt the other woman's knee bump against her own - it made her open her eyes, try and figure out what her favourite person wanted.
She turned her head to look at her, the sun almost fully setting in the background, just a few more minutes and the last rays of light would be gone. "What?" she questioned, raising a brow at Panam's actions.
"Wanted to see if you were sleeping." Panam explained, watching V out of the corner of her eyes as she mainly focused on the road ahead. "Since you aren't and we have time... you never told me how you got stuck with the biochip." apparently Panam hadn't heard of the phrase 'curiosity killed the cat' before. Also, why couldn't she have asked this before? Why exactly when Vanja was trying to sleep? Not that it upset the redhead in any way, but it was a tad odd.
Vanja let a scoff slip past her lips at the untimely reminder of the douchebag that was slowly killing her so he could take over. Be it intentional or not. "A heist gone wrong. We stole it from Yorinobu Arasaka--who coincidentally stole it from his own father--then during the heist, daddy Arasaka showed up and his son decided to speed up the process of taking over the corp by killing him." she explained, already numb to the events that had transpired weeks prior. "Cue the hotel going into lockdown and fucking Arasaka special forces showing up, a few bullets later and we fell down a few stories - somehow lived - then in order to not lose the spoils of our dumbassery, I had to slot the chip in." a breath, "Then, Dexter fucking Deshawn put a bullet through my skull so now I'm here."
Panam blinked, "Oh." she definitely hadn't expected that kind of answer. "Alright." she wasn't even going to pretend she understood everything, just like with V's condition. But between everyone V had told about her unique predicament, Panam was the one who went along with it the easiest. It was kind of comforting, if she thought about it for more than two seconds.
"Just... alright?" it was starting to get ridiculous. The sheer amount of times Panam left Vanja feeling completely confused after she'd just told her something severely traumatic that happened in her life before the two met.
"You know I'm not good with words." she shrugged.
Eh. Fair enough. Vanja was already over it, so it didn't exactly matter.
"You know what? I respect that commitment." V nodded, bending down to grab her water bottle because she was as good at dealing with the heat of California's sun as an earthworm was. She was pale, she burned if she didn't use sunscreen every single time she left her apartment--she was the absolute opposite of Panam. In every single way.
Where Panam had the strong, calloused hands of a mechanic, V had the slim, long fingered hands of a netrunner. Dark skin made to survive the sun was met with pale skin that was made to survive without it, full lips met thin ones, dark eyes met light ones, dark brown curly hair met straight red hair. Maybe that was what pulled Vanja towards Panam's side, made the sun kissed woman plague her thoughts, be the focus of her dreams and daydreams. Opposites attract, after all. Or so Misty had told her once or twice during a tarot reading in her esoterica and Vanja was a bit too trusting in those...
"Pass me that water bottle when you're done?"
Vanja almost choked on her drink. Why was she freaking out? That was a normal request! Indirectly swapping saliva with one's crush was totally normal and not freak out material! And yet, Vanja couldn't help it when her heart rate jumped at the mere thought of it. She passed the still open bottle, fingers brushing against Panam's as she took it from her--draining all remaining liquid in a single swig.
Vanja almost melted. The action had been slow, almost sensual. Like it wasn't just the water she was trying to drink. And that sigh of relief, fuck.
No, V was reading too much into it. Her brain was already fried, it was probably because of that. Panam wasn't trying to taste her, no, that was crazy thinking. She was crazy.
"You know, I agree with that." Johnny nodded from the backseat, appearing again like a leech that Vanja could never truly pull off of her skin. She ignored him, of course -- he was in time out for the shit he had pulled.
And while V was occupied with her thoughts - which was usual for her - the truck decided to take its final breath in the middle of fucking nowhere. Something popped under the hood that made the engine sputter, and with a final wheeze from the exhaust: Panam's baby gave it's final fuck you before dying.
And Panam was not happy about it in the slightest. "Shit! I knew that fix was temporary..." she groaned, attempting to revive their only mode of transportation by edging the ignition--to no avail. The truck rolled to a stop in the meantime, even the headlights shut off which meant that in addition to them being stranded, they were also left in the dark. "No, no, no!" even with Panam's denial, the Thorton didn't revive itself and instead honked when the nomad hit her forehead against the steering wheel.
That managed to pull a laugh out of Vanja, much to Panam's dismay.
"I'm guessing we're missing the parts for a real fix?" she couldn't help herself, grinning and giggling at the sheer timing of the truck saying it's goodbye. Sure, she wasn't helping in the slighest, but it wasn't like she knew how to repair cars... she was a netrunner not a mechanic--that was Panam's job.
Panam sighed, "Shut up." as she opened the door, stepping out of the truck to go grab her tools from the trunk. Vanja decided to follow because, well, what else could she do? She could probably hold the light for Panam, all things considered.
It didn't take long before Panam was bent over the truck in order to reach the farther parts of the engine, trying to figure out what exactly decided to give out in the middle of the ride. Apparently the fix that gave out had been done so long ago that she'd forgotten what part it affected. Panam had had a lot on her mind lately, so the redhead didn't blame her.
In the meantime, Vanja was watching her work, leaned against one of the dead headlights of the Thorton. One arm folded across her chest as the other held a flashlight for Panam to see what the hell she was even trying to do.
"I could scan it, you know. Figure out the issue faster?" V offered, trying to keep her eyes from straying to Panam's ass. God, she was no better than a man in that regard. Even in the lack of light, it was like Panam's backside was calling to her.
"Mm... no, I got this." Panam mumbled, ripping out a bundle of cables and handing them over to the woman next to her. "Hold these." before returning back to repairing the problem.
Now Vanja was stuck with a bundle of cables, the smell of burnt oil, and the annoying job of holding a flashlight in such a way that a mechanic could see. She didn't actually know which was worse between the two's 'professions'... especially when the net was extremely clean compared to this. "You know, I've been wondering." she couldn't not ask, it would've been a lost opportunity. "Did you grow up a nomad?"
Through clinks and clangs of metal, Vanja waited for a response that seemed to take longer than she had originally anticipated. "One sec!" Panam called out, struggling with one particular bolt, taking a bit before managing to finally loosen it. A breath of relief left the woman as she lifted her head to look at the redhead next to her, "I did. Why?"
The next question itched on Vanja's tongue, she just needed to know. "How was it?" being surrounded by corpo-rats in a corpo world didn't give kids of corpo parents much choice. It was linear, they'd study hard so they could replace their parents and so would their children, and their children's children, and so on so forth. It was an endless cycle from which V broke out of only when her leash was cut. In her mind, nomads had the freedom that she'd always yearned for, the camaraderie she'd cry herself to sleep thinking about.
Because V never had that. She never had someone stick up for her, back her up at every twist of the knife, talk with her everyday, ask her how her day was, wish her a happy birthday, show her that she was important. Until Jackie, but even saints like him didn't last.
Night City sucked every last drop of humanity from the world, and what it left alone were just... humans.
No ounce of humanity.
Panam didn't respond, not right away. She leaned back from the engine, fully standing up straight and weighing her wrench in her hand as she tried to find an answer to the question thrown her way, "Normal, I guess? We were always on the move and it was always crowded." she hummed, reaching up to undo the velcro of her jacket, take it off, and hang it on one of the corners of the truck's open hood.
That answer didn't satisfy Vanja's thirst for knowledge. "No, I mean..." she didn't even know what to ask, if she were honest. "When I grew up, my parents were always busy with work. Such is life when your parents are corpo-rats." she explained, "I was always home alone, doing homework, exploring cyberspace when I got my first implants..." she shrugged, "The usual things someone studying to become head of counterintel was doing."
Vanja almost laughed when she saw the way Panam scrunched her nose in disgust at the thought. "That bad, huh?" she understood the other's aversion to corps and their minions, but damn. "Anyway, point is... were you ever alone?"
Because, that's what V's life had been. Loneliness upon loneliness upon loneliness. It wasn't that she was alone, she wasn't -- many people crowded around her, trying to get in her good graces, to get a shot at a better position in Arasaka's ranks. And that was the problem. Nobody fucking cared about her unless it was something to do with her stupid job.
The one she didn't even have anymore.
Even in the void of the night, the redhead couldn't help but notice the way Panam looked up to the sky, angling her head just right to get the best view with the littlest movement. Something so natural it seemed practiced, and maybe it had been. Who knew how many times the Aldecaldo got lost in the beauty of a starry night? Not V. "Barely. I was always around the others, especially Saul."
Then, she frowned, her eyes landing on V as she set the wrench down onto the engine. "And look how he turned out, what a joke." she huffed, moving closer and taking the flashlight from V's hands, then the bundle of cables. She set them down, deciding that the truck could wait--they had time, they weren't in a hurry and moments like these were few and far between.
"Know any constellations?" her frown morphed into a smile, "They were always my favourite thing about moonless nights, the stars were so bright away from the city." she explained, pointing up to the sky and tracing Orion's shape vaguely. "When I wasn't freezing my ass off, that is."
That smile rubbed off on the merc and she couldn't help but snicker, "You can't see the stars in Night City. The light pollution doesn't let you." she murmured, almost scared to disturb the peace of the night, something she hadn't experienced in a long while. Hugging herself to stave off any stray bout of wind from stealing her body heat as she followed Panam's finger, trying to make out the shape she was tracing.
"That's Orion, so called The Hunter because it looks like a person holding a bow -- kind of." she explained, before moving to another one, tracing the Big Dipper's shape just as vaguely as Orion's. "That's the Big Dipper, also known as the Plough..." and she just continued on, naming almost every single constellation that the sky had to offer and Vanja couldn't help but lean against her as she did, hoping she'd never stop and that this moment could remain forever.
That she wouldn't have to move from that spot, wouldn't have to suffer the Relic's pain or Johnny's bitching. That she could just lean on Panam and rest--for eternity.
And as much as she wished for that, the world was still cruel and it wouldn't stop just for her. Because she wasn't important. Vanja was a speck of dust in the pile of filth that was life.
And as Panam's listing of constellations had come to an end, the redhead wasn't as disappointed as she thought she'd be. Maybe the meaning of life wasn't to go out with a bang, maybe a whimper would be just as good.
All that mattered was how fulfilled she'd be in the end. And if she were honest, she'd go through everything all over again just to experience this one moment.
As simple as it was.
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Vanja didn't know how much time had passed but by the time Johnny decided to yell at her that they were wasting time, she couldn't have cared less. Because Panam was next to her, lying on the hood of the truck and telling stories about interesting smuggling trips and how she'd transported the body of some corpo head of department that V had already forgotten about.
She was lost, staring into the eyes of the person who would probably never feel the same and hoping there was some semblance of a spark between them.
And fuck, was she a lost cause.
"You know," she started when Panam finished her retelling of the whole Nash stealing her truck situation that they'd met under. "Isn't Saul going to go ballistic when he finds out we're late because we were stargazing?" she huffed out something akin to a laugh.
A scoff left Panam's lips at the reminder, rolling her eyes at the mere thought of Saul's scolding session. "He's not here and I don't care." she said, as determined as ever to piss Saul off. "Besides, this is just Saul's whim, as much as it'd benefit the family, it isn't that much of a priority. They can wait a few hours longer, we have time."
Vanja snorted at Panam's words, even if they were a bit out of character for her. "You always say that as if I'm part of it." she smirked. "Always 'the' family and not 'my' family."
The Aldecaldo averted her gaze, the bout of silence that settled between them wasn't as comforting as the redhead thought it would be. 'cause up until now, silence meant comfort--this silence didn't provide the same feeling. This one was awkward and sheepish.
She'd been considering it.
Vanja shot up, the hood of the truck popping under her at the change in weight. Not that she would've been opposed to the idea but that was a big fucking commitment! And the netrunner wasn't one to enjoy surprises.
Especially if those surprises were being invited into a fucking nomad clan!
"Panam." and she wasn't fucking looking at her. Something like guilt written all over her face, though if V was honest, she couldn't pinpoint the exact emotion.
The cogs started to turn, the dots connected and she finally figured out why she was even asked to help with this unusually long 'supply run'. Especially when Panam could've done this without her way more easily.
Hopping off the truck's hood as the lightbulb above her head lit up, she still couldn't fucking believe that this was happening. "No, you're fucking kidding! Are you serious right now?" she paced in front of the truck, hands in her hair--ready to rip out gorgeous strands of red hair. "Is the truck even broken?" at the lack of reply, she couldn't help but yell. "Panam!"
"No! It isn't!" the other woman shot back, hopping off the truck herself, arms folded across her chest as she watched the redhead pace, "I just thought..." a breath, "You've helped us more than we could ever repay you and you always seemed so damn excited to be a part of stuff that--" Panam cursed under her breath, averting her gaze once more. Unable to look her in the eyes because she knew she had fucked up.
Fuck!
Couldn't she have just asked? Like a normal person? Planning a surprise was fun, sure! But maybe with the other person's consent in mind! V wasn't ready for that, at least she didn't think she was! She hadn't even though about it before!
"You--" Vanja couldn't even get the words out, she didn't know if she was angry at the lack of information and regard for her feelings or touched by the thoughtfulness of it all, at the attention to detail and everything else. "Panam, I can't just elbow my way into your family." she groaned, burying her face in her hands.
"That's just wrong! Does anyone even know about this? I know you're also head of the Aldecaldo's now but you can't just make decisions like these on a whim--" her voice caught on the knot in her throat at every other word, letting emotions run her instead of logic.
"You're not elbowing your way into my family--Fuck, V!" she closed the distance between the two of them, taking ahold of the redhead's wrists and prying her hands away from her flushed face. "We want you there, with us. Saul approved, Mitch approved. Everyone did." the explanation was much softer when it reached the end than it had been when it had begun, calloused fingers coming up to wipe away the few stray tears that managed to escape the redhead's bloodshot eyes.
Maybe it was the heat of the moment, maybe Vanja wasn't thinking clearly but imagining how Panam's lips tasted wasn't nearly as good as reality. Or that's what she would've said if she had let herself get that far--because she stopped halfway, hands gripping Panam's shoulders as she lowered herself to the heels of her feet rather than standing up on her tippy toes so she'd be able reach the other woman's lips.
She couldn't kiss Panam like that, couldn't just take what she wanted. Life didn't work that way, and she was a fool for even thinking that it did. Even more of a fool for trying it. Vanja just gave up, deciding to rest her forehead against the other woman's collarbone instead. "...Fuck." she breathed out, voice raw.
"V."
"I'm sorry." she couldn't see Panam's expression but she could almost feel the disgust in her voice pierce her skin. It was so clear she'd fucked up any chance she'd ever had--both at Panam's heart and a spot in the Aldecaldo's--that Vanja just wanted the ground to open up and swallow her whole.
"Damn it, V." Panam whispered, hands reaching out to guide the redhead's gaze up, tear filled eyes meeting bottomless brown before their lips met.
Wait, what?
Panam was... kissing her? Something was wrong, either she had somehow fallen asleep and this was an elaborate dream to fuck with her, or Panam had been in denial about her sexuality this entire time. Maybe a secret third option that V wasn't aware of?
In any case, Vanja didn't know chapped lips could taste this fucking good. She didn't even hesitate, the way she melted into Panam, chasing her lips, swallowing ever gasp of air, every sound that escaped the nomad's lips. Sliding her fingers down her shoulder and beneath her bodysuit, feeling the seemingly endless expanse of her back. Not wanting to miss a single detail.
So much so that she couldn't help but audibly whine when Panam pulled away. "You're eager." she breathed out, hands grabbing at her waist and pulling her closer--eliminating any lingering space between their bodies. "And sweet."
V sucked in a breath at the unprompted teasing, "Please shut the fuck up and kiss me before I combust." she didn't even let Panam respond before stealing her lips and savouring her Michelin star meal.
The two would probably talk in the morning, once Vanja had gotten her fill and Panam couldn't walk straight any longer.