Nightmares
Kakashi jolted awake, drenched in sweat, a scream escaping his lips, his breathing shallow. It felt as if his lungs couldn't take in enough oxygen. His heart hammered wildly in his chest, panic rising. But Kakashi knew he had to stay calm; the panic would soon subside. Slowly, he closed his eyes and focused on his breathing. Soon, the calm returned, and the tension eased.
Gently, he opened his eyes again and wiped his face. The nightmares had gripped him for a long time, but since his father's mission and the increasing hostility from the villagers, they had become more intense. It took longer for Kakashi to calm down and fall back asleep.
His gaze drifted to the door, but it remained closed. Kakashi knew he didn't need to wait for Sakumo; he wouldn’t come. In the past, before the mission, he would rush to him when Kakashi awoke screaming from a nightmare. In his strong arms, he found comfort and security until sleep eventually reclaimed him. But those days were over.
Kakashi let himself collapse onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. He knew he wouldn't fall asleep again quickly. A groan escaped his lips. He turned onto his side, curling up, his gaze fixed on the floor. In these moments, Kakashi longed for the carefree days of the past. When his father had assured him after the mission that everything was fine, Kakashi had believed him and calmed down. Even his initial fears had been forgotten.
But the peace was short-lived, as he learned the details of the mission a few days later. At first, Kakashi was proud of his father for saving his teammates. But his mood quickly darkened when he witnessed the reactions of the other shinobi and villagers. Admiration swiftly turned to condemnation. As they began to mistreat and talk badly about his father, Kakashi realized the consequences of aborting the mission.
Kakashi observed how his father changed in the weeks following the mission. Initially, Sakumo seemed to ignore the harsh comments, but as the situation did not improve and even worsened, he began to change. He withdrew, spoke less, and barely left the house. Kakashi took on the responsibility of grocery shopping and gradually assumed more and more household chores. His father stopped cooking and retreated to his study. Initially, Kakashi tried to encourage him, but eventually, he gave up and accepted that he had to take on most of the tasks.
Sometimes, Kakashi felt anger welling up inside him, feeling frustrated with Sakumo. On one hand, because of the broken promises and lies when his father claimed everything was fine, and on the other, because he aborted the mission and broke the rules. But he fought against it, suppressing the anger and disappointment. Despite everything, he loved his father and wanted to be there for him, even though it wasn't easy.
That's why Kakashi considered what he could do for Sakumo, and the idea of his favorite cookies came to mind. He remembered where he always bought them and was determined to get some. However, when Kakashi entered the store, he was met with unexpected anger. The shopkeeper immediately approached Kakashi and threw him out. Kakashi felt miserable in that moment and went straight home, spending the rest of the day withdrawn. But he decided not to talk about it with anyone; he didn’t want to be a burden.
Until that point, no one had directly said or done anything to Kakashi. Of course, he heard the whispers when he was nearby, and sometimes it seemed like they would whisper even more intensely as he passed by. But Kakashi had learned to ignore it. He only visited the market when it was absolutely necessary and otherwise avoided the village.
Yet Kakashi didn’t want to give up so easily. He was determined to get those cookies for his father and surprise him. So, he made a second attempt, and this time the shopkeeper was even rougher. Instead of just ejecting him with words, he physically pushed him out of the store. Kakashi held back; he didn’t want to risk trouble by fighting with a civilian. So, he let it happen.
The surprise of Minato’s sudden appearance mixed with fear and shame in Kakashi. Since things had started changing and people gradually turned away from him, Kakashi’s greatest fear was that Minato would also abandon him and no longer want him as a student and friend. At that moment, he just wanted to get away as quickly as possible and see no one.
The next day, Minato sought a conversation with Kakashi, and when Kakashi realized that Minato thought differently from the other villagers, he felt relieved. It felt good to talk to Minato, and for the first time in a long while, hope began to grow within him as Minato offered his help. Kakashi hoped that Minato’s support would help his father feel better if he sensed that someone stood behind him. But when Kakashi came home, his father had withdrawn again and didn’t come out all evening.
Kakashi frowned as he realized he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again, so he decided to get up. He swung his legs out of bed and left his room. Quietly, he glided down the hallway but paused when he saw light in the living room. Kakashi grimaced, wondering if he should check it out. After a brief hesitation, he crept towards the living room and took a cautious peek inside.
His father sat on the couch, leaning back and staring out the window. Kakashi was surprised to see him still awake and observed him for a moment. He noticed how tired and exhausted Sakumo looked. Even though his father no longer went on missions, they didn't spend much time together.
"Come in, Kakashi," Sakumo said without looking at him.
Kakashi flinched briefly, surprised that he had noticed him. After a moment of hesitation, he took a few steps into the room and lowered his gaze. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to watch you," Kakashi murmured softly and apologetically.
Sakumo turned his head towards Kakashi and gave him a tired smile. "Come on, sit with me," he invited.
Kakashi responded immediately but didn’t sit next to his father; instead, he sat across from him. The smile vanished from his father's face, and Kakashi felt his stomach tighten. It was strange, somewhat uncomfortable, but Kakashi felt that he wasn’t as close to his father as before the mission. Of course, he loved him, but it was different. Kakashi couldn’t explain it.
Sakumo turned his gaze back to the window, and a silence settled between them. An uneasy atmosphere spread through the room, and Kakashi began to feel nervous, noticing his hands starting to sweat slightly. After a few minutes, his father directed his gaze at Kakashi. "Minato was here today and talked to me," he reported in a tired voice.
Kakashi avoided his gaze and bit his lower lip. Fear coursed through him, fear that his father might be angry with him and that he would get in trouble because of it. So Kakashi decided to say nothing. Sakumo sighed and continued, "Minato told me what happened at the market the other day." Then he paused briefly and added in a sad voice, "Why didn’t you tell me?"
Kakashi continued to avoid his father’s gaze and shrugged in response. "I didn’t want to burden you with it, besides, it wasn’t that bad," he added.
Silence spread between them again until Sakumo spoke up. "I'm sorry, Kakashi! I didn’t want them to treat you badly too," he admitted quietly.
Kakashi's gaze shot up to his father, who was looking at him sadly. Kakashi was momentarily speechless and needed time to collect himself. Then he shook his head. "It's not your fault; you don't need to apologize. I can handle it," he said firmly. Kakashi didn't want his father to feel guilty.
Sakumo shook his head slightly and leaned forward. "You shouldn't have to handle it alone; it's my fault," he admitted, then added, "I will find a solution to make things better for you. I promise you that."
Kakashi flinched and lowered his gaze. "Like you promised me the picnic?" Kakashi murmured, feeling disappointment and anger welling up inside him.
Sakumo furrowed his brows and leaned back again. "Kakashi, you know it's not easy right now, but we will make up for it," he explained with a serious tone.
Kakashi looked back at his father, his hands clenching into fists. "And when? You promised we would do it when you got back from your mission! You never kept your promise!" Kakashi burst out. Then he stood up, feeling tears of anger welling up in his eyes. "You told me everything was fine after your mission. You lied to me! This is all happening because you didn't follow the rules!" he accused. Then, looking down at the floor, he added quietly, "Why couldn't you just follow the rules?"
For a moment, there was silence as Kakashi's entire body trembled. Various emotions surged within him, and he didn't know how to handle them. Suddenly, his father stood up. "That's enough, Kakashi!" he said loudly and sternly. Kakashi looked up at him in shock, seeing the anger in his father's face. Sakumo had never raised his voice at him in this way or looked at him so angrily. An oppressive silence spread between them as they stared at each other.
Kakashi watched as his father's expression immediately softened. Hastily, Sakumo walked around the table towards him, but Kakashi suddenly felt the urge to take a step back. His father stopped in shock. "Kakashi," he whispered. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to raise my voice."
"It's... it's okay. I'm going back to sleep now." Kakashi just wanted to leave, feeling hurt. He quickly turned and walked towards the hallway. At the door, he paused and glanced back at Sakumo. "Good night." Then he rushed into the hallway and disappeared into his room. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it for a moment, exhausted.
Tears welled up in his eyes, and the desire for everything to be like it was before overwhelmed him. Kakashi stumbled to his bed, slipped under the blanket, and curled up into a ball. He drew his legs to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. Slowly, the first tears began to trickle down his cheeks. Kakashi tensed up and hugged himself tighter, hiding his face between his knees.
A flood of emotions swirled within him as he let his feelings out. He should never have said such things to his father; it was unfair of him. Guilt spread through him, and Kakashi felt miserable. He should have been there to support his father, but instead, he had been mean and deeply hurt him. In essence, he was no better than the villagers. But he didn't dare to go back and talk to his father. Instead, he slid deeper under the blanket and cried himself quietly to sleep.