Under pressure
With utmost care, Kakashi checked his backpack again. For the third time, he inspected it, filled with excitement. Finally, he had received a mission that promised more challenges and gave him the opportunity to prove himself. Yet, despite his anticipation, doubts crept into his mind. The fear of failure on his first mission gnawed at him, the dread of disappointing everyone. Kakashi desperately wanted everything to go smoothly, not just to make the Hokage or Minato-sensei proud, but above all, to avoid disappointing his father.
Carefully, he reached for the kunais, counting them again and checking their sharpness. There could be no room for error. After each blade was scrutinized, he carefully stowed them in his weapon pouch. Around him on the floor lay more utensils that he wanted to inspect thoroughly. Step by step, he went through everything, meticulously checking and then neatly rearranging them. Lost in thought, he considered what awaited them on the upcoming mission. Although it was initially just a courier mission with the simple task of reaching the destination, delivering the scroll, and returning safely, given the tense situation, there was always the possibility of encountering enemy shinobi. This would give Kakashi the opportunity to demonstrate his skills and show what he had learned.
In the past few weeks, Kakashi had worked exceptionally hard during training with Minato. He diligently carried out every mission they received together, even if they were just D-rank missions. He mastered every exercise Minato assigned to him with dedication and completed additional training hours—whether alone or in the presence of his father when he was in the village. His goal was to prove himself and showcase his abilities. Therefore, this mission was of particular importance to him; it could make the crucial contribution to his advancement as a shinobi. If he wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, it was imperative to go further and train even more intensely.
Kakashi's head snapped to the side as a knock sounded on his door, abruptly interrupting his thoughts. "Come in!" he called out, immediately returning to his work. After all, there was no time to waste.
The door opened gently, and Sakumo entered the room. A gentle smile graced his lips as he looked around. Kakashi sat on the floor, surrounded by his materials. In front of him lay an open backpack and his weapon pouch. Sakumo crossed the room and took a seat on Kakashi's bed. Kakashi glanced briefly at his father before returning to his task. Sakumo leaned forward slightly. "Didn't we go through this earlier today? Too much checking might actually cause you to forget something."
Kakashi flinched and glanced down at the floor. Was his father right? He hesitated briefly before continuing. A slight tremor ran through his hands. "Everything must be perfect, I can't forget anything. Nothing can go wrong on the mission!" Kakashi felt his heart beating faster, his stomach tightening. It felt like his throat was closing up, and he began to breathe heavier as he continued to check his materials.
Sakumo stood up, knelt in front of Kakashi, and gently forced him to pause by grasping Kakashi's wrists. Kakashi's head snapped up, and he looked into his father's concerned face. Slowly, Sakumo released one of Kakashi's wrists, delicately reached for Kakashi's mask, pulled it down, and placed his hand on Kakashi's cheek. "Easy, Kakashi. You need to calm down, everything is okay." Sakumo breathed a little louder, and Kakashi followed his breath rhythm. Gradually, he felt the tension, which he didn't even realize he was feeling, dissipate, and he relaxed a bit.
After a few minutes, Sakumo removed his hand from Kakashi's cheek and smiled reassuringly at him. "Feeling better?" Kakashi took another deep breath and then nodded. He looked away, feeling embarrassed to lose his composure in front of his father. Sakumo seemed to sense this and tousled Kakashi's hair. "It's okay, Kashi. You don't have to be embarrassed. You're just excited, and that's okay, but you need to stop putting too much pressure on yourself." Sakumo let go of Kakashi's wrist and looked at his son with a slight concern in his eyes.
Kakashi slowly lifted his head, meeting Sakumo's gaze. "I just don't want to make any mistakes. I want everyone to be proud of me."
Sakumo regarded Kakashi for a moment, then stood up and extended his hand to him. Kakashi blinked up at Sakumo in confusion. "Let's go outside and meditate together." A reassuring smile played on his lips.
Kakashi glanced at the outstretched hand for a moment before looking up again. "I need to finish everything here first."
Sakumo shook his head lovingly. "Please come with me. I'll help you tidy up later."
Kakashi hesitated, looking around the room for a moment, a brief moment of uncertainty. Although his initial plan was to tidy up everything again, he caught the comforting gaze of his father. In that moment, Kakashi reached for his father's hand, allowing himself to be pulled to his feet, and Sakumo placed a supportive hand on his back. Together, they made their way to the back door leading to the garden. Arriving at their usual spot on the veranda, two mats awaited them. Sakumo gestured for Kakashi to sit down, and in a harmonious cross-legged position, they began their shared meditation side by side.
As Kakashi closed his eyes and surrendered to meditation, he noticed his thoughts still swirling. The inner restlessness was palpable. The same thoughts, the same fears, kept returning. Kakashi tried to organize his thoughts and calm himself, but it seemed futile. It wasn't until he focused his concentration on his father that he felt the calm aura emanating from Sakumo. Kakashi embraced it, adjusting his breathing to match his father's. It didn't take long for him to feel the last trace of tension dissipate from his body, and he fully relaxed.
Taking a few moments to enjoy the peace, Kakashi felt the tension melt away, reassured by his father's presence. He felt a rising sense of shame for almost losing control. Something like that shouldn't happen to him as a genin. Slowly, he opened his eyes and looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry, Dad, I shouldn't have let myself get so worked up."
Gently lifting his gaze, Kakashi met Sakumo's gentle smile. "Don't apologize. As I said before, it's completely normal to be nervous and worried before your first mission. But be careful not to put too much pressure on yourself – that could be dangerous."
Kakashi averted his gaze and looked out into the garden. The setting sun bathed everything in warm orange hues, creating a pleasant atmosphere. He knew his father was right – he needed to stay focused to avoid jeopardizing the mission. If he let his thoughts and feelings distract him too much, he might overlook something. "I just want everything to go according to plan." His gaze returned to his father, who looked at him understandingly.
"There will rarely be missions that go exactly according to plan. Despite my extensive experience, I've found that even with the best preparation, things often don't go as expected. Adaptability, making quick decisions, and adjusting to the circumstances are crucial. It's an art to recognize situations and respond to them – something you still need to learn. Minato will be by your side, guiding you through the mission, and you will gain valuable experience. No one expects perfection; in the end, it's about completing the mission successfully and returning safely. Accept that things don't always go according to plan." Sakumo conveyed his words in a reassuring tone.
Kakashi pondered over his father's words; they made sense, but he couldn't simply shake off his own expectations. "I'm afraid of disappointing someone," he finally admitted, looking uncertainly at his father.
Sakumo watched Kakashi attentively and asked, "Who are you afraid of disappointing?" Kakashi shrugged and avoided eye contact. He didn't want to talk about it further. Sakumo gently reached out and nudged Kakashi. "Please look at me and answer my question. I'm here, listening to you. It's okay to talk about what's on your mind."
Kakashi's gaze returned to Sakumo. "The Hokage, or Minato-sensei, or..." Kakashi paused, took a deep breath before continuing. "Or you."
Sakumo raised an eyebrow in surprise before his expression softened. "The Hokage knows that this is your first mission. He is a fair man and won't be disappointed if things don't go as planned. Nobody is perfect, and nobody will expect you to get everything right. Minato is your sensei; he's there to point out mistakes and help you do better." Sakumo gently placed a hand on Kakashi's shoulder and smiled lovingly at him. "And you could never disappoint me. I don't care how your mission goes. What's most important to me is that you come back safe and unharmed. Please never feel like you have to prove anything. I will always love you, no matter which path you take."
Kakashi's eyes widened briefly before he blinked away the emerging tears. Quickly avoiding Sakumo's gaze, a warm feeling spread in his chest. Hearing his father's words not only felt beautiful but deeply reassuring. He knew that Sakumo was always sincere. These words were like balm to his soul. With a light blush on his still uncovered cheeks, Kakashi cautiously glanced at his father.
Sakumo smiled, reached out his hand, placed it on Kakashi's head, and began to run his fingers through his hair. Kakashi leaned slightly into this soothing touch, enjoying the comforting warmth. Such precious moments were not commonplace between them, and Kakashi appreciated them all the more. Although he didn't always openly show his feelings, he felt a deep love and trust for his father. He closed his eyes, let the moment sink in before opening them again and looking at his father. "Do you think Minato-sensei would still be proud of me even if I make a mistake on the mission?"
Sakumo paused in his movement, withdrew his hand, and chuckled slightly before looking at Kakashi. "Of course, I promise you that Minato could never be disappointed in you or not proud of you. He cares about you too much for that, you could say he has taken you into his heart."
Surprised, Kakashi looked at his father. He didn't know what to say. Minato liked him? His gaze drifted away, wandered through the garden as the sun was almost disappearing over the horizon. Of course, Minato had always been kind to him, but Kakashi thought it was because of their sensei-student relationship. He hadn't realized that Minato genuinely liked him. Minato always showed kindness, invited him to spend time together, and encouraged him in difficult moments. After particularly challenging training sessions, Minato sometimes escorted him home and even showed up extra early for training with Kakashi. Yet, Kakashi hadn't grasped it. "He likes me!?" Kakashi whispered more to himself.
Still, Sakumo looked at him, placed his hand on Kakashi's shoulder, and confirmed with a warm smile, "Yes, he likes you, and I'm really glad about that."
Confused, Kakashi looked at his father, curiosity reflected in his eyes. "Why does it make you happy, Dad?"
Sakumo withdrew his hand from Kakashi's shoulder, rested his arms on his knees, and looked thoughtfully into the garden. "I can trust that he takes good care of you – whether it's on a mission or in training. Minato ensures that you're not overly challenged and your health isn't endangered. At the same time, he teaches you diligently, teaches you everything you need to know, and does so reliably. That's much more important to me than a teacher who only sees your talent and pushes you too hard. Minato recognizes both your talent and the fact that you're still a child. I can entrust you to Minato with a clear conscience and let you go into tomorrow's mission with peace of mind."
Kakashi looked at his father, surprised at how important it was to Sakumo that he was okay. Kakashi was aware that his father didn't want him to get hurt. However, he had assumed that Sakumo cared mainly about him training hard and constantly improving, to advance quickly as a shinobi and fight for the village. Now he realized that, for his father, the most important thing was that Kakashi felt good and was safe.
Yet, the question remained for Kakashi: How could his father recognize that Minato liked him? With just one conversation and the stories Kakashi had told, it seemed unlikely. Kakashi himself had difficulty understanding the feelings and thoughts of other people. But they had spent so much time together, and in retrospect, he could now see the signs. Frustrated that he hadn't realized it earlier, Kakashi wondered if that would change anything about his relationship with Minato. Minato remained his sensei, and he remained his student. But perhaps there was more? "Do you think Minato-sensei could be my friend? Is that even possible? He's my sensei, and I'm his student. We're a team. Can you really be friends in that situation?" Kakashi asked his father, without daring to hope for a positive answer. Yet, perhaps Minato could be his first real friend.
Sakumo looked back at Kakashi, lovingly smiling and shrugging. "Why wouldn't it be possible? Even back then, I got along well with my sensei, and over time, we became friends. I also made friendships with my other teammates. One doesn't exclude the other. I've told you often enough how important your teammates are and that teamwork is the essence of being a shinobi. It's certainly easier when you get along well, are friends, and trust each other. So, to answer your question, I think Minato can already be a friend or become one."
Tears glistened in Kakashi's eyes again, which he quickly wiped away with his arm. He looked away. Minato could actually become a friend, his first real friend. Joy flooded him at the thought. But how could he be sure that his father was right? He trusted him, but perhaps he was wrong. Anxiously, he pushed aside the budding hope, not wanting to be disappointed. Muttering, he asked, "How do I find out if Minato really wants to be my friend?"
"It's simple, by talking to him," Sakumo replied with an encouraging smile. Kakashi blinked at his father in disbelief. Could he really just ask? On the other hand, how else would he find out? Kakashi looked down at the ground in front of him and went through the whole conversation again in his mind. His concerns about the upcoming mission had disappeared, and suddenly the question buzzed in his head whether Minato could be his friend. He thought about how Minato liked him and considered what he could do for Minato. He hadn't always made it easy for him and now wondered if he needed to change something but wasn't sure how to approach it.
He was interrupted from his thoughts when his father stood up beside him. With a relaxed gesture, Sakumo stretched and took a deep breath. "Let's go back inside slowly. You should take a refreshing bath, and then dinner will be ready. After that, we need to pack your backpack again. You shouldn't go to bed too late so you'll be in top form tomorrow."
Kakashi nodded in agreement and quickly got up. As he was about to go inside the house, Sakumo stopped him. Confused, Kakashi looked at his father, who placed both hands on Kakashi's shoulders and crouched down in front of him. A serious expression on his face. "Before we go in, I want to tell you something. Please listen carefully!" Kakashi obediently nodded and focused his full attention on Sakumo. He continued, "Please take care of yourself and follow Minato. Always stay close to him. I don't want you to do anything reckless. Trust Minato. If necessary, defend yourself. I know you can do it. When you come back, I probably won't be in the village. In a few days, I'll also be leaving on a mission myself. But when I come back, I want you to be safe here. I love you, Kashi!"
Kakashi lovingly smiled at his father. "I promise I'll be careful and listen to Minato-sensei. I love you too!"
Sakumo smiled contentedly, although a hint of worry lingered in his gaze. Gently, he pulled Kakashi into his chest. Kakashi stiffened briefly, but then immediately felt the pleasant warmth. He wrapped his arms around Sakumo's neck and rested his head on his father's shoulder. Kakashi felt a hand stroking through his hair and allowed himself to enjoy this embrace. Even though he was now a genin, he thought he was allowed to enjoy being in his father's arms for a moment and feel the security.