Chapter 2
Sasuke is soon known to be the criminal who lives above the flower shop. And it takes him a while to grow accustomed to all the commotion caused by Ino’s customers. They have unusually loud voices and often speak about everything except flowers. Life in Konoha has finally begun to fall into place. Perhaps his preference for missions that could take him as far away from home as possible played some part in this positive change. However, he’s sure it's not the aversion towards living in the village that makes him opt for these tasks. Rather it is attained purely from the fact that Sasuke doesn’t have much to occupy himself with while he’s at home. His days off comprise Naruto’s incessant company and pestering Kakashi for his next job.
“Sasuke?”
There’s only Shikamaru and him in the hallway waiting for the Hokage to finish speaking to someone else. After completing a solo mission of this high of a rank, it is mandatory to report to the Hokage himself.
“Let’s just say I’m curious,” Shikamaru begins. While he is definitely not an enemy, they are distant enough for this inquisitiveness to be unexpected. “Why haven’t you talked to Sakura?”
If he wasn’t surprised earlier, he is now. It is merely a question—and not a strange one if he thinks about it. But Sasuke can’t help but feel exposed like he’s caught doing something he isn’t supposed to. When he answers, he is sickened by how timid he must sound, “I don’t think we should.” An unwarranted vulnerability forces him to speak more, “I think she believes the same.”
“The last time I know of you two speaking is her asking you, for the second time, to take her with you while you go on a journey that doesn’t have an end. I’m just saying that-”
He pauses abruptly to draw a breath and continues, “Then again, it has been ages.” This is when disappointment pierces its way into his mind. Sasuke immediately becomes defensive about his feelings. He cannot speak anymore.
“And she’s with Kaito,” Shikamaru adds. He has heard this name multiple times by now. Kaito, a fairly skilled member of the ANBU, who comes from a wealthy business family, is currently dating Sakura. Sasuke who was otherwise exempt from most things deemed as common knowledge is somehow aware of this.
Although he feels the weight of Shikamaru’s eyes on him he chooses to remain silent. He will not speak anymore. Perhaps that is the most defenseless act but he doesn’t care. Soon he is called into the office and the day goes by. All he should be thinking of is when his next mission can take him away or how much longer he will be staying in Konoha before he leaves again. But the truth is, there’s simply no space left for his mind to wander outside of the village anymore for it is anchored right there.
–
“You’re so lucky you’re not on night duty.”
Sakura smiles at her co-worker as she grabs her bag. She has been put on night duty for four days within a week. Today, she finally gets to go home. The night is young when she steps out. With the days getting colder, she should have brought an extra layer to wear on top of her clothes. But when did she ever have the time to check the weather?
“Sakura!” Kaito waves at her from a distance. Relief and happiness arrive simultaneously. After immersing herself in nothing but work for an entire week, to be held and to be comforted by someone she likes had become a need. She walks to him and he opens his arms for a hug, surrounding her in a reassuring warmth.
“It’s cold. Why aren’t you layering up?” He takes off his coat and covers her in it.
“Thank you.”
Her fingers intertwine with his and soon they’re walking towards her apartment hand in hand. The hospital and naturally Sakura’s home is located a bit away from the heart of the town. Sakura leans on her boyfriend as she walks, watching their feet make the same rhythm over and over again until they’re in the hallway of her apartment.
“Thanks for walking with me. I needed this.” She gently holds his face and leans on her toes to place a kiss on his forehead, “Do you want to come in for tea?”
He breaks into a smile, “Tea? Is there anything else offered?”
She takes the hint and reciprocates in the same tone, “I’d love to but not tonight. I’m way too tired.” And she isn’t lying. The exhaustion wearing down on her barely lets her stand straight. All Sakura can think of is running a hot bath and relaxing.
“You’re always tired, though,” He hesitates before adding, “I loved it when you weren’t the Chief.”
“What?” She can hardly focus on his words but reflexively takes a step back.
“I’m joking. Take rest, Sakura.”
Her thoughts are way too incoherent anyway. If she doesn’t sit down, she knows she will pass out soon.
“Meet me tomorrow then,” Kaito turns to leave, “you’ll be well-rested.”
“I have to meet Ino tomorrow. Sai…proposed.” Sakura recalls her best friend’s face when she dropped in at the hospital to tell her about her engagement. She promised Ino to join her with the girls on her day off.
“When are you coming over to my place?”
“Kaito, can we…have this conversation later? I’m tired.”
“Goodnight.”
She manages to say it back and closes the door. The strength in her legs is sucked out and her back slides against the door as she sinks to the ground. She puts her bag aside and sits in the darkness with her knees propped up. Her thoughts are all over the place and she doesn’t want to deal with any of them. Weariness gets the better of her and Sakura falls asleep against the door, just like that, in the musty smell of her apartment left locked up for days in her absence.
The torture of sunlight wakes her up. Her back is stiff from sleeping in an uncomfortable position. Sakura realizes that she hasn’t even taken a shower after leaving her house for days. She pulls herself up and sinks into the bathtub. This is definitely not the first time Sakura has had to deal with the consequences of her working overtime. And so she carries on to get herself ready effortlessly.
By the time she is at Ino’s, everyone else has already reached, she can tell from all the noise from inside. She turns from the door near the stairs and moves across the landing to enter Ino’s apartment with a precarious gait; like she’s taking her first steps on water with chakra, all the while avoiding looking at the door now behind. The tension in the air disappears when her best friend welcomes her with a glow on her face.
“I didn’t get to congratulate you properly,” Sakura says as she settles down near Hinata. Ino nods her head, dismissing her statement. She feels genuinely happy for the couple. But what warms her heart the most is to see Ino like this, brimming with joy, that childish nonchalance never quite parting her even after all these years.
“Sakura, you don’t even get to look after yourself properly,” Temari extends a warm cup of tea with a concerned face and moves the plate filled with macarons towards her.
“Don’t even get me started,” Ino sighs.
Soon, they’re all covered in the softest of blankets holding an abundance of snacks. Ino goes into detail about the proposal scene: the beginning of her day like any normal Thursday morning to the ending with the kiss. Sakura realizes for the millionth time, how lucky she is to have found these friends, and how much she cherishes the comfort of their bond. In their presence, their willingness to listen and help her with whatever she needs, a sanctuary is built, and she believes unconditionally in its security and reliance.
“Sakura, you’re next!” Hinata squeals. Now that both Hinata and Ino are engaged it leaves only her and Temari. Sakura dismisses her friend immediately, “Nope. Shikamaru and Temari are really serious.” She manages to force all eyes off herself and dodge the question. And she is not entirely wrong in her remark. Temari left her birthplace and moved in with Shikamaru. She and Kaito cannot be more committed than that. If anyone’s heading towards an engagement, it's them.
“While I can’t really say we’re…not serious, we’ve decided to let the marriage part wait a bit,” Temari smiles, “We have separate things to focus on right now.”
“Then-” Hinata pauses. Sakura hadn’t realized she had stopped paying attention. She could hear Temari but something else had taken over her mind entirely.
I loved it when you weren’t the Chief. Is it her fault? Has she not been investing time in her relationships?
“Sakura? Did something happen with Kaito?”
She might be reading too much into it. So she considers telling them, the few people she’s the closest with. If she can trust anyone’s judgment, it's theirs.
“To be honest-”
Her pager interrupts. Sakura immediately rises from her seat. After apologizing to her friends, she grabs the door. Within minutes, she’s in her white coat being updated by Shizune about the emergency at hand.
“This procedure takes 12 hours, Dr. Shizune.”
“The person who just went into the OR is Dr. Haruno.”
“That ought to make it 8 hours.”
No matter how many times she has to pass out before running to the ER, she will never regret becoming a medical-nin. To see a patient smile, all the muscles on their face working together to bring out that small gesture of joy after holding hands with death, the impact her work has on each individual’s world are the things she recalls when it seems like she cannot push it anymore.
After notifying the stabilization of the patient’s vitals to the guardians, she is allowed to enjoy the rest of her day. Except when she makes it out of the building, the day has already progressed well. The cloudy night sky hides the moon and not a single star is to be seen. She hesitates for a second. However hard she tries, she cannot recollect what Ino had planned for tonight. Hoping to find her friends, she starts walking.
Sakura eyes almost every shop she passes but none of her friends are seen. She concludes that they must have ordered dinner in.
—
He clutches the scroll containing information regarding his next mission tightly in his hand. Sasuke has to leave within a couple of days and is predicted to be back in a week. Once he reaches home, he will take a look at the map and plan his journey. With no other major preparation to do, he should be able to leave by tomorrow night. He tucks the scroll inside his coat and takes the stairs to his apartment. Like every other night, he doesn’t expect sleep to arrive mercifully. He’ll have to succumb to whatever rest he can get.
From the third last step, Sasuke swears he sees pink hair against the railing of the stairs that goes to the rooftop and his mind goes blank. He doesn’t have to guess who it is. He takes the next step, but this time cautious to not make any sound. Did she fall asleep in front of her friend’s apartment? It seems ridiculous to even ponder for a second, the possibility of her waiting for him. Sakura has done that before. And all he did then was leave. How can he come back now and expect her to understand all that has been left unsaid when he is not ready to say it even after all these years? His own selfishness disgusts him. He thinks for a moment that she may not be real; that he could be imagining her. Perhaps this is where life has taken him: causing pain and helplessly relying on tricks his mind plays to console himself. When he takes the final step and turns to look at her face, her eyes are closed and her hands are hanging over her knees. Why did he doubt it?
He could never picture something this beautiful.
When Sakura wakes, her emerald eyes are already on his mismatched ones. They stay like that for the few seconds it takes both of them to realize that one of them should initiate.
“I’m waiting for Ino.”
“Hm.”
He opens the door to his apartment and lets it slam behind him. Sasuke was so sure about what to do on reaching home earlier but now all sense seems to have left him. What is he supposed to do? What even is appropriate? He cannot go back into her life. Especially not now when she seems to be at peace; not when he knows he can only offer her the exact opposite. There should be nothing she wants more than to be left alone. Sasuke has known the feeling of being wounded by someone he loves. This is why he cannot fathom the extent to which he has hurt her, for he had been made aware once, of the vastness of her heart; the care he knows her to extend to everyone around her with a generosity he is incapable of, he does not deserve that. Nothing good can come out of him inviting her in.
But when he thinks about her crumpled figure, and the dark circles under her eyes, Sasuke can no longer argue with himself. He cannot push away the discomfort she must be facing, sleeping on the stairs on a cold night, head against a metal bar. Being one of the finest Kunoichi, she has dealt with worse. Yet why can’t he stop? When will Ino show up? At once, all his inhibitions seem to fade and what needs to be done becomes evident.
The door opens a second time and Sakura looks up from her initial posture.
“Do you want to wait inside?”
His question is followed by a long stretching pause. He spends enough time waiting for her reply but is faced with only the lack of it. He must have sounded like an idiot. He should have known better.
And yet, when he places his hand on the half-closed door to push it open, he says, “I…will leave this unlocked,” before he disappears from her view.
Sasuke has spent countless nights coming back home not feeling the need to turn any of his lights on. But tonight, when he decides to turn them on, they glow just like they’re new.
With time, his mind returns to the A-rank mission he has been assigned. As the hot water from the shower soothes his muscles, he visualizes the roads he must take and his potential opponents. He closes the tap, puts on his sweatpants, and hangs his used towel around his neck. He makes his way across the living area to the bedroom where his clothes are kept with wet feet when the handle turns and Sakura enters. Once again the air shifts and tension builds up inside his chest. He is suddenly aware of the movements of the water droplets clinging onto his body, a new sensitivity to the way they trickle down his muscles brings him chills.
“Thank you,” Sakura hesitates, “for letting me come in.”
He nods and leaves for the bedroom feeling her eyes on him. For the first time, Sasuke experiences extreme self-consciousness. Colour rises on his cheeks and before she can notice, he’s out of her view. By the time it takes him to slip into a T-shirt, hang the towel on the balcony right outside the bedroom, and make it back to Sakura, she’s fast asleep on his couch.
He wonders about the existence of a separate world in which he did whatever he should have done so that the view in front of him has become something he’s accustomed to. Pink locks spread over the monotonous cushion. And it baffles him and he cannot point his finger on why. His feelings are strangers. The weight of the air, the way his heart sinks, the novelty of it all, of something he never knew to exist in him scares him. When he watches the subtle rise and fall of her body, everything that he has put on hold, every emotion looms over him and he is forced—crushed—under its magnitude.
He is a coward, he decides, as he leaves his own apartment.
Sasuke wanders aimlessly. He allows his feet to take him wherever they want and soon finds himself on the path that leads out of the village. Memories flood into his head—a conversation between two thirteen-year-olds, one of them full of ambition marred with hatred and the other full of kindness.
“Do you remember? We were just made genin and the three-man squad was assigned. You and I were alone for the first time in this spot.” He couldn’t tell how she looked with his back turned against her. But there was an ailing hope in her voice that would have broken his heart if he had one.
“I don’t remember it,” was what he had said.
Was that the first wrong decision he made? Was that the first time he lied? She had tried to stop him and make him see reason only to fail. It must have been terrifying for a little girl full of love and innocence, barely old enough to make her own decisions. And yet, she still offered to follow him outside the warmth of her home, the only place she had ever known, into the darkness, into hatred; into death.
The unannounced reminiscence stings his head. Sasuke finds a familiar bench and settles down on it. She had asked him if he remembered. He remembered it back then and he remembers it now; every single word she said, the way her breath got caught in between each of them, her small heaving figure, and the tears that knew no end.
“I love you so very much, Sasuke-kun.” It was a plea more than a confession.
He remembers it vividly.
“Please, I’m begging you, please stay here. I’ll help you with your revenge. I’ll make it happen so stay with me!”
How could he forget?
How could he forget how much he wanted to stay?
Once did the heir of the Uchiha clan stop on his way to vengeance. And in that frail moment, he almost reconsidered his actions only to continue with his journey. The determination that pushed him forward derived from a conclusion that came to him easily.
He wasn’t capable of love.