Adoration

First Person. Hinata's POV.

October 25th – Unreasonably warm. I had to leave my jacket at home.

I trimmed the edges of my hair today. It was getting too unruly. Shino said it looked good, and Hanabi thought I only did it to prepare for the yearly round of marriage meetings I'd need to attend. I hope father lets me skip most of them again this year. He's always been so understanding with them.

Speaking of father, he's been... tired recently. No, not tired. I can't describe his face properly. It's almost angry. Bitter. Like old, bottled frustration that's burned away all of the heat and just sits like cold steel in his stomach—Hanabi tells me its exasperation. The Council is forcing him to choose a proper husband for me. I'm not getting any younger, so I understand. But I'm glad he hasn't; I'm glad he's respecting my wishes. I fought in a war. I'm mature enough to choose a husband for myself.

... The only problem is getting my choice to actually see me.

Maybe one day, when the world is new.

I hear he's gone out of the village again with the rest of Team 7. He'll be gone for six months. Team 7 always gets first pick at these type of long-running missions. Kiba's still sour about that. (I understand though.)

I'll pray for his safe return. I hope I can catch a glimpse of him before he comes back.

November 7th – Brutal winds today, like knives.

I had tea with father today. Some sort of special peppermint from a distant land. I didn't like it very much, neither did he. I saw him wrinkle his nose ever so slightly. He cracked a smile when I did the same. Father told me that I didn't need to attend my marriage meetings if I was busy and that he'd take care of it, as he always has. I'm very grateful. But I promised to at least attend a few before I left for my next mission. He didn't look bothered, but he didn't look relieved either.

Father gave me a list of who I'd be meeting. It wasn't very long. Three names—Uchiha Itachi was the first.

I'm not nervous... not really. I've already met him officially. Once. When I first turned sixteen. I've seen him walk the streets before, and I've watched him from a distance at clan gatherings. He isn't interested in anyone, and he doesn't linger once his business is concluded. I assume he won't be around for long. Perhaps I'll just let father offer him some tea after a brief greeting, if it would be appropriate. I doubt it. But I'm sure Uchiha-sama would appreciate the peaceful silence more than a stranger's company.

I'm rarely home these days. I'd like to spend it tending to the gardens and making those salves Kiba has been asking for. Some of the younger children in the clan haven't been treating their hands well. I need to see them, too.

Hanabi has been pestering me to make her a few sweets. She's gotten thinner. I need to make her more than just pastries. Those empty calories aren't good for her (or for me.) I keep telling her that she needs more protein, but her head is harder than my bookshelves. I know she'll eat it if I make it though. Now, I just need to find the time.

... Maybe I should make cinnamon buns while I'm at it.

November 9th – The temperature is dropping. I've brought out my winter cloaks.

Oh, I embarrassed myself (again) today!

I was caught in the kitchens by Uchiha Itachi, smelling of cinnamon and looking like I was attacked by a flour monster of all things. I couldn't read his face, but he might've been judging me for even being in there. I'm an heiress... or so everyone keeps reminding me. I at least remembered to be polite. I bowed and smiled and used my best indoor voice. That still didn't stop father from giving me a disapproving frown when I returned (fresh and properly dressed of course).

After we had a cup of tea, I was too embarrassed to leave the room. No excuse would be good enough. Uchiha-sama already knew where I'd be going. He was very quiet and civil all throughout the meeting though, which I appreciated. I've met a fair few that have actually had the audacity to run their fingers in my hair. They were never invited again. Well, except the feudal lord's son. But his visits couldn't be refused.

Uchiha-sama stayed for three cups of tea before heading out with a brief bow and an ambiguous tilt of his head in my direction. I think he just got back from training because his hair had been slightly damp and he smelt like soap. When I told Shino this, he told me I needed to distance myself from Kiba for a few weeks.

November 17th – Cold. Grey, stormy skies.

I went on a date today.

A pretend date, but still a date. It was in a small teahouse that Shikamaru-kun likes. I didn't think it would be there of all places, and I ended up coming overdressed. Itachi-sama apologized for the setting, but I'm very happy that he'd been thinking about the weather when he made his plans. I didn't give much thought to the rain. He's a lot politer than I expected.

We spoke for a while. It's unnerving sitting in front of Itachi-sama. He sees through me like glass. But he's very knowledgeable. There's a certain comfort to being in his presence. Even so, I chose to leave first. It was getting late, and I doubt father would appreciate me spending so much time with a phony marriage prospect.

I wonder how many women actively chase him for him to need a fake date just to get them to stand down. I feel very sorry for him.

He asked (demanded) that we go on a make-up date, so he could properly apologize for bringing me to such an "unrefined venue," or so he said. It's very hard to say no to Uchiha Itachi. Hanabi can be a hammer sometimes, but at least she can speak her mind. I envy her for that.

The clan matrons have been reprimanding me ever since they found out about the make-up date. I'm being forced to redo basic etiquette lessons that I mastered when I was seven because they don't want me to embarrass the clan... but is there anyone that doesn't look like an embarrassment beside the Uchiha heir?

I'll do my best.

[The entry ends with doodles of angry stick figures and a flower pot.]

November 21st – The sky is still weeping.

He almost kissed me when I was leaving.

I was looking up at him, and he was bent very close. The last of the evening light vanished behind him, and he reached up to cradle my chin in his hands, then—

The door opened.

Itachi-sama had looked... well, unruffled. But he did blink twice. Slow and deliberate. Perhaps I'm just imagining it. He did say there was a spot of cream on my chin from the desert (and oh, the cake was heavenly! All fluff and frost and confection. I've already scheduled a desert day for me and Kurenai-sensei.)

He invited me to make deserts for him in his family home...

This is getting a bit out of hand now. Perhaps it's time we stopped seeing each other. I don't want the rumors to grow too much. Father has already told me that the meeting requests have reduced significantly, in large part due to Itachi-sama's reputation. I'm happy father's satisfied. I hope this tactic worked just as well for him.

I'm glad that we're friends now. Somewhat. He has a very serene presence.

November 25th - There was a miserable little dusting of snow. I'm looking forward to more.

I went to the bookstore yesterday to read up on healing ninjutsu. The lady there gave me a very stern glance and told me that this wasn't a library, and if I intended to continue taking up space while I finished reading an unpaid book, then she could think of much more permanent ways to make that happen. She was very scary for a civilian. I apologized, and she charged me a lot of money for it.

When I passed by her shop today though, she was all smiles and even offered to give me a few books for free. Her smile looked tight and her eyes flared in a way that indicated fright. Maybe she found out about my status? It wouldn't be the first time someone's completely changed their tune. But who told her? I'm so far from Konoha. I doubt anyone would recognize me.

In other news, something's been following me. A summon. It's a large crow. Its plume is one of the darkest shades of black that I've ever seen. I tried to make it come closer, but it always stayed high above me, circling the sky like it was waiting for me to show a sign of weakness. I don't like it. But it isn't hurting anyone. I just hope it goes away soon.

[A drawing of said crow fills the rest of the page.]

December 1st – It's snowing! I knitted Hanabi a pink scarf. She gave me the biggest smile. I love her.

I was able to see Naruto-kun today. I saw him standing outside of a ramen shop along the border of Wind Country. He was blowing warm breath into his hands and waiting for the shop to open. We spoke for a bit—I didn't faint!

I don't know how long we stood there. A lifetime, maybe? One stretched out into a handful of small seconds. But he was called away by Sakura soon enough. They had to go. I didn't ask for details; they couldn't divulge any information anyway. Besides, I have my own mission to do. Once I deliver these herbs, then I'll be able to return home.

I should be happy. But... his eyes looked so bright when he saw her. All bright blue and happy. That's such a nice look. It sparkles. Naruto-kun hugged me afterwards and gave me the most exuberant goodbye he could muster. He promised to treat me to Ichiraku's Ramen when we both have free time. Just the thought was enough to leave me giddy with joy.

I've always been so weak.

He might never love me—not in the way I hope—but I can see that he cares. I can be satisfied with that, I think. I don't want to be, but I can. His friendship is very precious to me.

[Indecipherable scribbles and the word 'ramen' repeat over and over.]

December 8th – It's dark today. The sun hasn't been around. I hope it comes out soon.

I accidentally snagged my jacket on an icicle today. The sleeve was torn, but it was wet enough from the melted snow that it slid right away. I stumbled across Itachi-sama, or rather, he stumbled across me, in a tea house on the edge of the land of fire. He'd just gotten back from a mission as well. So, we decided to return together.

It was a long, peaceful trek back. I think I might've weighed him down though. Itachi-sama looks like the type to rush to and from missions, I prefer taking my time when allowed. I doubt we had similar assignments. I only needed to get rid of a few enemy ninjas. Itachi-sama is an ANBU Captain, surely his missions are more urgent. But he insisted on staying with me and walking at my sluggish pace. I tried to hurry. But seeing the land of fire enveloped in snow was too distracting for me to run.

That crow that was following me disappeared. I told Itachi-sama about it. He told me that the crow must've grown attached to me and wanted me to come back safely. I don't know how or when it did. I've never had any direct contact with crows before either, but I doubt they'd go so far—and that was a summon to boot. But he looked so certain that I didn't question it.

We stopped to eat beside a river. I caught fish, while Itachi-sama started a fire. His flames are bright. Overly so.

It reminded me of the sun.

December 10th – It's freezing. I can't sleep.

I've caught a cold.

It came out of nowhere. Like a bolt from the blue. It must have something to do with the weather, but I've never gotten sick before, no matter how quickly the temperature dropped. Well, there's a first time for everything I suppose. Hanabi made me tea and moved a cot into my room, so she could stay with me. Even Neji nii-san requested time off to help care for me.

For people that claim to know nothing about tenderness, they sure know how to turn my heart into mush. I need to thank them properly once I get better.

March 6th – The endless snow has finally given way to grass and flowers. I need to buy new seeds.

I lost you journal!

I meant to write sooner, but I accidentally stuck you in my pack on a mission last December, and in my rush home, I threw the pack into the corner of the room and completely forgot about you! I'm glad that I found you again though. A lot of things happened. Too much for me to fit in here, but it's in my head anyway. It isn't going anywhere.

Maybe when I'm less pressed for time, I'll scribble it down properly here. But for now, I'll give you a brief rundown instead:

Whenever Neji nii-san yawns, his jaw cracks. Rock Lee hit him once when they were fourteen and dislocated it. It's never been the same since.

Hanabi now complains whenever I leave the curtains cracked because the she claims that the sun gets too bright, too early. She's very cute when she tucks her face in her shoulder and turns away with a huff.

Kiba and Shino butted heads for a moment when they found out about Itachi courting me. There was a lot of irritated frowns and heated glares thrown around. They still didn't tell me why they were angry at each other, but I'm glad they've resolved their issues

Sasuke-kun is clingier than he looks. I never knew just how attached to Itachi he was until I first started coming to their house. Mikoto-san keeps him in place, however. She's always so excited to see me. I've recently started bringing Hanabi along as well—I think they both appreciate this newfound warmth.

Naruto-kun and I finally found time for that lunch at Ichiraku's that he promised way back when. He's still so bright. His smile looked a little tight though. But he was trying so hard to be lively that I couldn't find it in myself to press him. I reminded him that I'm here though—and that I always will be—I think that cheered him up. If only a little bit. I'll let Sakura and Sasuke-kun know. They'll know what to do.

Father and Fugaku-sama don't get along very well. They're civil, but I can see it in their eyes that they hold little love for each other. Maybe it's because they're too similar? Being too alike can also be a problem.

Lastly, Itachi tangles like a kitten when he sleeps. I know his voice first thing in the morning now. When he's still half-awake and his requests for breakfast are quiet and as rough as sand.

I'm happy.