Van is about to hightail it out of the locker room when Jackie’s chipper voice makes her ears ring.“Girls! Please gather ‘round!” The red-head walks back into the locker room and finds Jackie. She’s sitting criss-crossed in the middle of the locker room, smiling so big it could split her face in two, with an old cleaning bucket right in front of her. Van thought she was free, able to walk out of that locker room and not have to worry about balls flying at her face, not having to break up constant arguing from Nat and Jackie, and not having to face her two year long unrequited crush on-
She feels Taissa nudge her arm, joining her and the other girls in the makeshift circle they’ve got going on. Van looks to her left and is met with brown eyes. She can feel Taissa get closer, until she hears “what do you think she’s up to?” whispered into her ear. The feeling of Taissa being that close, her breath gliding across Van’s neck, sends a shiver down her spine and her heart into a frenzy.
“Probably just another fucking pep-talk about how we’ll definitely get to nationals in the Spring and how we totally won’t suck ass next season!” Van’s voice is laced with sarcasm, but honestly if they don’t get to nationals next year she is going to be fucking pissed. The amount of times she’s thought about dropping her gloves at the goalpost and walking home in the middle of a game because no one can get their shit together is too many times to count.
The only one who seems to have her shit together on the field is Taissa. She’s fast, calculated, and has a near perfect aim. And Van’s favorite part is the earth shattering smile that’s reserved for her and only her when Taissa shoots and scores. Van’s heart feels like it could burst out of her chest when she’s on the receiving end of one of Taissa’s game winning smiles. Losing the whole season is worth it just to see Taissa’s smile.
When they were holding soccer tryouts during Van’s freshman year at Wiskayok, she couldn’t help but stare at the beautiful girl outplaying everyone. She could tell Taissa has never seen her as competition. Van always felt like it was just the two of them out there. The forward and the goalie. No one else was needed when they were on that field.
Weeks after their first season playing together started, Taissa invited Van to her house. All they did was eat dinner with Taissa’s parents and watch a movie, but it felt like the start of something. The start of butterflies in Van’s stomach every time she saw Taissa. The start of warmth growing in her chest when Taissa laughs at her stupid jokes. The start of Taissa filling the pages of her diary, being the last thing she thinks about before going to bed and the first thing she thinks about when she wakes up.
Van has thought that these feelings, or whatever, were mutual. Thought that the look in Taissa’s eyes was made up of more than just friendship. Thought that the little touches here and there were something Taissa couldn't resist doing, couldn’t resist not touching Van. Thought that when she caught Taissa looking at her lips it was more than platonic. But she always grabs hold of the fantasy before she can take it too far, stuffing it in a box and locking it away. Too dangerous to open, too painful to think about the truth. Taissa is straight, her very-good-maybe-best-friend, and not into Van in the slightest. The thought brings a ping to her heart. Van is ripped out of her thoughts when she hears Taissa’s voice.
“Yeah, well I don’t think I could ever get through this shitty of a season without yo-”
Van is always hanging onto every word she says, but Taissa is quickly cut off by Jackie’s voice. “Girls! Thank you guys for training with me in the gym right before winter break, I know this season was not our best…”
Van shoots Taissa a look of ‘told you’. Taissa smiles and giggles quietly in return. Suddenly she can’t hear Jackie’s speech anymore. She feels her heart swell, knowing she can make Taissa laugh with just one look. She could get drunk off of that power, that feeling. She pushes the thought aside as Jackie drones on.
“...Regardless of what we need to improve on, I think we need to do better with team bonding! So, this year during the off season I propose that we do a Secret Santa!”
The silence in the air is thick, until Laura Lee chimes in. “Jackie, I think that is a wonderful idea, and a great way to bond with everyone during the Lord’s birthday.” Van understands that this is just Laura Lee, but she has to stifle back a laugh. She feels Taissa nudge her once more. Heat radiates from where Taissa’s elbow knocks Van’s.
“Thank you, Laura Lee! So, I have everyone’s name written on pieces of paper in this bucket and everyone has to draw a name! Okay? Okay! Go!” Jackie moves out of the way and lets the first round of girls pick names. Van watches some girls scrunch their face in displeasure, and other girls look around excitedly as they draw their names.
It’s Van’s turn. She hopes to get someone like Natalie or Misty or Shauna, someone with little to no pressure attached. She reaches into the old bucket, and pulls out the first piece of paper she touches. She backs up to open it in private, and once she does, her heart skips a beat.
Right there on the flimsy piece of paper is the cursive lettering of T-A-I-S-S-A. Van traces the letters, hoping they’ll magically change and spell out L-O-T-T-I-E or M-A-R-I. But to no avail, the cursive letters stay the same.
Immediately her mind is racing. How was she going to get a present for Taissa? It seems simple on the outside, a no brainer, they’re friends, but this year Van’s feelings have grown out of control. She can’t rip out the pages of her diary, detailing what she likes about Taissa, and give them to her as her present. That’s absolutely way too much. And she can’t just get her a generic gift, like a book or a knitted hat, that’s not enough. What do you get someone you’re pretty sure you’re in love with but they're straight and your maybe-best-friend and would probably hate you for being gay, for Christmas? It feels too intimate for Van’s comfort, it feels like too much pressure.
Once again, Van feels a soft pressure on her lower back, and the smell of all-too-familiar vanilla perfume comes from behind her.
“Van, are you…okay?” Taissa says with her arm lightly touching Van’s lower back. It sends shockwaves down Van’s entire body, and makes her unable to speak for a few seconds.
“Bu-I-I’m-yes I’m alright just realized…I have to go home! You know how Vicky gets! Okay, see you later, Tai. Have a good break!” Van shouts as she sprints out of the locker room. She turns back quickly to see Taissa’s face bunched in confusion.
The moment Van hits the front-steps of her house, she realizes she completely and utterly lost her cool back there. Usually she can be chill, not let her feelings get to her, but today was just -jesus- today was just too much.
For the next couple of days, Van is still completely lost on what to get Taissa. Sitting on her creaky bed watching some old Christmas movie, Van makes a list:
“Present Ideas” (she can’t stomach writing her name, feeling like she’d get lost in the letters altogether.)
1. A stuffed animal (‘what are we, 10?’ Van says aloud as she moves on from that idea, promptly striking it out.)
2. A mug (Van has never seen Taissa drink from a mug, nor does she think that is a sufficient enough gift for her. She strikes that idea too.)
3. Her favorite album on vinyl (getting closer, Van thinks. But not good enough. Van strikes it out.)
4. Her favorite movie (Van knows movies, but if it was Taissa’s favorite movie, then she would already have it. ‘Idiot’ she says to herself. As she’s about to put a huge X through the entire piece of paper, the red-head gets an idea.
Van gets right to work.
The day of the Secret Santa party has arrived, and Van drops her bike on Jackie’s driveway, peering up at the massive home that Jackie often calls “humble”. She hears footsteps behind her. “If Jackie thinks this house is humble, she should see where I live.” Natalie says to Van, which makes her laugh and immediately loosens the lump in her throat. They walk inside, chatting about who they think has them all while being in awe at Jackie’s house.
They hear casual conversation from within the living room, and see the majority of the team there. They’re all wearing Christmas sweaters and are crowded around the giant Christmas tree. Of course, she doesn’t care about the majority of the team.
She sees Taissa and suddenly regrets the FUCK out of her gift. Her cheeks turn red and she’s about to just say fuck all of this and head out, but before she can do that Taissa turns around and shoots her a game winning smile, and suddenly Van doesn’t know what she was worried about. This is just Taissa. Taissa is her friend, she will like anything. It doesn’t have to mean anything. She wants it to, though.
Taissa scooches away from Lottie and pats the floor between them, looking at Van expectedly. Van takes the deepest of deep breaths and joins her friends on the floor. Her knees knock Taissa’s as she sits criss crossed. Taissa doesn’t move her leg. Neither does Van. The touch is electrifying and warm and comfortable.
Conversation is easy with Taissa. She never makes Van feel like she talks too much, or too little, or says weird shit, or dumb shit. Because Taissa just looks at her with a soft smile and always laughs when Van makes a joke. Van swears something feels different. There’s something there, between them.
“So Van, is there something that you reallyyyy want for Christmas?” Taissa asks Van with a look of something in her eyes.
‘You’ the blushing redhead thinks. ‘I want you, Tai.’ She so badly wants to ruin everything they have to keep from lying to her. But she can’t. So Van just says “movies”, and she receives laughter as a response. “Okay, that was not a joke!” Van starts to laugh too.
“Don’t you already have enough movies, Palmer?” Taissa teases.
“No such thing.” Van says with a slight wink. “And whatever, what do you really want for Christmas, Miss Turner?” Van raises her eyebrows, waiting for her answer.
Van swears Taissa’s eyes trace the lines of Van’s face, all the way down to her lips. Van’s face suddenly feels hot as Taissa starts. “Nothing”. There’s a slight smirk on Taissa’s face as she steals another look at Van’s lips.
‘Is Taissa flirting with me?’ She thinks. Her heart leaps out of her chest and falls onto the floor. Or, that’s what it feels like. Before she can entertain it more, Van’s already grabbing the thought and locking it away. But, she keeps the key nearby.
Before she can reply, or even attempt to reply, Jackie announces that they’re starting to give gifts now. Jackie volunteers to go first, she had Shauna (of course) and got her some sweaters. Shauna goes next, she had Jackie (my god), and she got her a necklace. The rest of the team exchanges gifts. Taissa had Mari, and she gave her some sweatshirt from Mari’s favorite professional soccer team. Mari had Van, and she gave Van a movie (that she already had), and cat socks (which she finds endearing). Van shoots her a "thank you, Mari" with a soft smile on her face until she realizes it's her turn to give Taissa her gift.
Suddenly, her heart is in her stomach and the familiar lump is back in her throat. Since this is the last present given, Taissa knows it was Van. Out of the corner of her eye, she can see Taissa’s bright smile, waiting for Van to give her her present. Her heart races as her eyes connect with Taissa and she hands her the present wrapped in green and red wrapping paper.
Taissa opens it. Van brings her knees up to her face and hides as Taissa realizes what she got.
“Are these…your favorite movies, Van?” Van looks up, and Taissa is looking at her like she hung the moon.
“Y-yeah…like it's probably stupid but like I wanted to give you my favorite movies so you can like, watch them and stuff. I guess.” Van can feel her face heating up, with all these eyes on her and Taissa still looking at her in utter shock. Before she can defend herself again, Taissa is throwing her arms around Van’s neck. Van holds her waist hesistantly.
Taissa finds the crook between Van’s neck and shoulder and plants herself there. Fitting perfectly. Her words vibrate throughout Van’s entire body. “Thank you, Van. Really, thank you.”
The hug lasts longer than it probably should have, and all of the other girls have moved on to separate conversations. When they pull apart, Taissa stops when she’s just mere inches from Van’s face. She stares at her lips again, Van does the same. “I will watch all of these movies on one condition: you must watch them with me.” Taissa whispers, holding out her pinky finger.
Van brings her hand up and connects their pinkies together.
“Promise.” The word gets caught in Van’s throat and she’s shaking slightly but all Taissa does is break out her game winning smile again.
‘I am so fucked’ Van is practically screaming at herself.
Van doesn’t see or hear from Taissa for a couple days. She knows it’s because of Christmas, but hopes it's because she has forgotten about the promise Van made to her.
Not that she doesn’t want to watch movies with Taissa. Of course she does. But thinking about them watching Van’s favorite movies together feels just way too intimate for friends.
It comes one day while Van does her trigonometry homework. The phone rings and van immediately knows who's calling. She runs to the living room, hoping to be faster than her mom. She wasn’t.
Vicky answered the phone. “MOM! Can I talk to my friend?” Van pleads as Vicky listens to whatever Taissa is saying. Vicky silently hands Van the phone, but as she’s walking away she can hear her mutter “better not be doing any dyke shit” under her breath. Van needs to breathe before talking to Taissa, before hearing her voice.
“Hi” Van says.
“Hi Van! What are you up to, do you want to have a movie night that you promised me?” Taissa’s buttery soft voice coming out the other end of the phone. Van should say she has too much homework, she should say that her mom is already drunk and it’s only 5 P.M. so she has to make sure the house doesn’t burn down, she should say that she can’t be doing “dyke shit” so she can’t come over.
She doesn’t.
Van says yes faster than she probably should’ve, and beelines to her bike. The ride to Taissa’s is quick, throughout the years Van has found the quickest way to get to her house. Before she knows it, she’s standing on Taissa’s front door step and knocking on the strong wooden door. It doesn’t take long for the door to swing open, revealing Taissa in pajama pants and a sweatshirt that swallows her. It's not something Van should be gawking over, but she is.
She follows Taissa up to her room, says a quick ‘hi’ to her parents sitting on the couch, and watches as Taissa locks the door. ‘Wait, why did she lock the door?’ Van pushes away any and all thoughts that come up.
Van sits on Taissa’s bed, feeling uneasy as she does so. She’s never felt uneasy in Taissa’s bed. She doesn’t like the feeling taking over her body. She doesn’t want to ruin their friendship. She would never forgive herself.
Taissa is putting a movie into the VCR and joins Van on the bed. Taissa lays down, her back against pillows and her head resting on Van’s shoulder. ‘They used to do this all the time’ Van thinks. ‘Just because your crush on her has gotten to an insane degree does not mean this has to be weird’. Van can feel the heat of Taissa’s eyes peering up at her as it hits her what movie she decided to play.
When Harry Met Sally.
“I thought you were into supernatural-alien-fighting movies. I didn’t know you liked rom-coms so much.” Taissa teases with a grin.
Van can’t look at her, instead she zeros in onto the TV, still feeling Taissa’s eyes bore into her. “I guess I’m just a secret romantic.” Van replies shyly, because she really is a romantic. If she’s not watching movies about romance, she is definitely thinking about it with Taissa.
“Really?” Taissa starts, “and who are you a romantic with?”
Taissa is being snarky, but Van tenses, feeling the weight of the question settle onto her. She doesn’t know how, but she gets the courage to look at Taissa.
Taissa and her beautiful brown eyes staring back at her. Taissa and her smile, her hair, her soft skin. Taissa and her eyes tracing the freckles on Van’s face, all the way down to her lips again.
Van starts, “For your information I-”
Taissa’s lips are suddenly pressing into Vans so hard that Van thinks there will be an impression left on them. The outline of Taissa’s lips on Van’s. She can’t think about anything else. Her head swirls as Taissa pulls back slightly.
“W-” Van mutters, her cheeks going red and her breathing picking up.
“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while.” Taissa starts, her voice small and fragile, “I hope that was okay, if it wasn’t I am so so-”
This time, Van cuts Taissa off. She presses her lips into Taissa’s, hoping to show Taissa how much she wants this. Taissa makes a soft surprised sound that Van cannot get enough of. She wants to hear it all of the time. Her fingers navigate towards the back of Taissa’s neck and tangle themselves in her curls. She practically feels Taissa melt in her hands. Their lips have started getting used to each other's, getting to know the unfamiliar feeling of each other's touch in this way. It’s like a lock and key-their lips fit perfectly and unlock something neither of them have ever felt before. It feels right and warm and like electricity and like falling out of the sky.
“I…really…like you…Tai” Van says in between kisses, bearing her soul to the girl who could easily break her heart.
Taissa pulls away, smiling. “I really like you too, Vanessa Palmer.” Her eyes are glimmering and Van feels like her heart is going to burst. This is what she’s been wishing, waiting, hoping for. And she has it right here, right now.
Taissa leans back in, grabbing Van’s waist and kissing her like she needs it to breathe. The drum of Harry and Sally’s first fight drones on in the background.
“You’re…missing…the…movie, Turner.” Van says sarcastically between kisses. She wants to make Taissa laugh, she always does.
“I don’t…give a…fuck…about the…movie, Van” Taissa says as she leans in for more.
Van pulls away, acting offended. “Excuse me! Did you just say you don’t give a fuck about this MOVIE? Do you know who you are talking to, Taissa Turner?!” Of course Van Isn’t mad, how could she be mad when the girl of her dreams is kissing her?
Taissa’s hand falls to Van’s chest and her forehead pressed against hers. “You’re telling me you’d rather watch a movie right now?” Taissa glances down between them, their legs tangled and skin warm. Their breathing is heavy and the contact between them is enough to make both of them explode.
Van grabs a fistfull of Taissa’s hair and brings her into a kiss, one that lasts longer than any movie could have. That’s a sufficient enough answer. By the end of it, the credits have stopped rolling and Taissa and Van are laying side by side.
‘I could do this forever’ Van thinks. But now, she can say it outloud. And she does. Taissa nods in agreement, brushing her thumb across Van’s cheek. Her smile is so big she feels like her cheeks would split open at any moment. Taissa looks the same.
“Guess I got what I wanted for Christmas,” Taissa whispers.
“Best Christmas gift ever.”