Time drifts further and further away from my grasp as I stand here on my favourite roof—the only roof this school has. This school and year are strange (who sees butterflies on a concrete roof four floors up) it’s pretty windy too. I haven’t gotten much sleep since she’d left me on the spot at the airport. It’s hard sleeping when your mind is riddled with her voice, her sweet whispers and memories of the past. Sometimes you will never understand the value of a moment until it becomes a memory of the past, forever to be locked away and to never be able to experience the happiness of making more memories together.
My heart twists every day and I can’t look at anyone anymore because everything’s the same except her—her absence. It’s every day. It’s like the pain is just there killing me slowly and I have nothing anymore: the pain is inside me infecting all who I am. My eyes are heavy but restless and my mind plays the same thing over and over again. I feel like I’m going crazy and I hate her for it: she knew she was going to leave me 3 months before but she didn’t tell me until I stood there on that airport.
I hate getting flashbacks from things I don’t want to remember.
I can’t even explain how I feel anymore: my thoughts are so messed up in my head that I don’t even understand them. My heart hurts every day when I slowly feel chips of me falling away but even more to the fact that I realised I wasn’t as important to her as I once thought I was and I want to cry, so desperately, but I’m to the point where I wanted to cry but no tears came out, so I just stared off blankly into space while my heart and mind broke again and again.
I’ve texted day after day, again and again, but being ignored by the person who means the world to is the worst feeling and I don’t think my heart could’ve taken it hence why I’m here on the roof. And, it’s funny: we used to talk for hours on end but look at us now but I hate that I’m still hoping.
If only feelings had a switch. I don’t regret knowing her, even if it caused me all this hurt. Does a smoker smoke cigarettes every day smoke because they want to kill themself? I just- She made me so happy. Doesn’t it all make sense? My heart– it makes it make sense. I want to cry all the time she’s hurt me so much. I hate her so much but I don’t know if it’s hate. I just feel hate but I don’t know who it’s going. My mind can’t make a choice who I’m angry at. So I blow up on everything. She stole everything from me: my friends, my life and me.
There’s a green metal fence up to my neck and despite being taller than it, my bony arms aren’t in great condition—my whole body isn’t. I’m not doing good.
I’m sick.
“Where’s the fun in that, Neji?”
I could cry.
“Where the fuck is the fun in that, huh, NEJI?”
“Come on let’s go home.” “You can bawl on me… I don’t mind cutie.”
“Not cute.”
“You’re crying, awww!”
I love her voice. I’m so glad she’s back.
“Bitch bun.” I giggled.
She scoffs “Bitch eyes.”
I’m whole and healed now and I couldn’t stop grinning.