Demon
The night sky was beautiful in these parts. Unlike Konoha, there wasn’t much of a night life to be found in the land of waves, and tonight was especially clear, giving a truly wonderful sight of the stars above. Sakura found it a good distraction, eyes slowly tracing out what constellations she could remember reading about during a particularly nerdy phase of her early childhood. Being able to navigate at night wasn’t quite the useful skill she had assumed it to be, and certainly not worth the shame of that one time she fell off the roof of her home. Watching Sasuke and Naruto try to put her telescope back together had been entertaining though.
Sakura sighed deeply at the memory. Things were so much simpler back then, so much easier. Before, she had only the struggles of childhood to deal with, the confusion and frustration of being an orphan trying to make their way through life. Now, she was a kunoichi, fully aware of her status as a jinchuuriki. For a little while, it had almost seemed an unbearable combination, but the past few months had helped her get over that. Her friends, her team, hadn’t changed at the knowledge of her. They had passed their sensei's test, albeit in a not so normal way, and they had proven to be a formidable trio.
Sure, they might have been forced to complete an insane number of D-rank missions, something that Naruto likened to child slavery, and yes, their individual perceptions of where they stood in terms of skill had been systematically shattered by Kakashi, but Sakura wouldn’t trade those days for anything. This mission had only shown her how valuable those peaceful, mind-numbing days together were. Growing as a team, developing their trust further as they trained, it was everything she could have hoped for. Now though… well, Kakashi said this was often the make it or break it moments for a lot of genin squads. How they handled their first messy mission, and how they recovered from it, would be the biggest tell of what they could expect from their career as ninja.
Sakura wasn’t sure if she was holding up as well as she could have been.
She picked idly at her fingernails, all of which had been thoroughly and meticulously cleaned several times since they had returned to the bridgebuilders house. The blood that drenched her hands had long since been washed away, and yet she couldn’t stop herself from feeling like it was still there.
'You're just like me, kid. A demon.'
Those words had stuck with her. It didn’t matter that they came from a ruthless shinobi like Zabuza, they still held some truth. After everything that had happened on that bridge, after everything she had done, how could she argue with such a statement. Truth was, Sakura was starting to wonder if he was right. Being a demon or containing one, were the two so different? When you used a power so inhuman as your own, did that not make you no better than the monster you were meant to be protecting the world from? Sakura wasn’t sure anymore.
"You shouldn’t frown so much. I heard it causes wrinkles."
Sakura quirked an eye at Naruto as he stealthily climbed onto the roof and sat next to her, an impressive feat considering one of his arms was still heavily bandaged and in a sling. "You sound just like Ino. Sure you two aren’t related somehow?" she asked playfully.
Naruto blanched at the suggestion. "If I am, I'll personally commit seppuku," he shot back with a grin.
"Shouldn’t you be resting?" Sakura asked pointedly, eye's darting to his arm.
"Eh, I'll be fine. If I spend another hour in that room, I'll die. So long as I don’t try training, I should be right," he said. "Besides, someone had to come and check up on you and make sure you were alright."
Sakura rolled her eyes. "I'm fine, Naruto."
It wasn’t a lie. Sakura was in perfect health despite the injuries she had received on the bridge. The Kyuubi was good for something after all. Not that it made her feel any better. She glanced at the bandages littering Naruto and hugged her legs to her chest, resting her chin on her knees. Sakura could heal better than any of her teammates, and yet she was the one to receive the least injuries. It was a disgrace in her mind. Kakashi may have given her the role to guard the bridgebuilder, but that didn’t make her feel any less shame for not being able to stop her friends from getting hurt, or not being able to share the benefits of her condition with them.
"You're frowning again," Naruto teased.
Sakura pouted. "Did you just come up here to annoy me?"
"If it keeps you from wallowing in your own melancholy, then yes."
"A three-syllable word. I'm impressed. I must have fallen asleep 'cause this is obviously a dream," Sakura said, sticking her tongue out at him.
Naruto snorted and laid down against the roof. "You wish. No one's dreams can contain all this awesome."
Yep, straight back to normal Naruto. He probably had that previous line memorised from some cheesy book. Hopefully Kakashi wasn’t corrupting the blonde with his taste in literature. They lapsed into a comfortable silence, and Sakura found herself grateful for the company. Sadly, it wouldn’t last, and Sakura knew that at some point she was going to have to talk about things to someone. The Hokage would expect a full and in-depth recounting of events. It would be a miracle if the Yamanaka weren’t somehow involved just to ensure everyone's stories matched up. Getting comfortable with talking about it might as well happen sooner rather than later.
"I didn’t mean to do it," she said softly, refusing to look at Naruto as she spoke. Her fingers dug into her legs, and she was thankful that her claws had only been a temporary thing. "On the bridge. It was an accident."
How silly it must have sounded, calling that bloodbath an accident. By the time she calmed down she had been covered in blood, the stragglers of Gato's men all looking at her in fear. Remembering it made her sick, but remembering what triggered it made her more so uncomfortable. Naruto and Sasuke had fought the hunter-nin together while Kakashi had challenged Zabuza once more. Sakura had hung back, guarding the bridgebuilder, her team's confidence assuring her that they would be victorious. They hadn’t been.
Naruto and Sasuke were good, but the hunter-nin was beyond them. Once they were both trapped within a dome of ice mirrors, there fates had been all but sealed. Sakura had watched them fall, one after the other, with Sasuke only just barely holding out longer than Naruto in an effort to protect his teammate. Kakashi fared better, managing to match Zabuza at every turn. It hadn’t helped. As soon as the hunter-nin dealt with their opponents, they rushed to help their master. Kakashi was an exceptional shinobi, but he hadn’t fully recovered from their first encounter with the hired missing-nin, so his defeat was inevitable.
Sakura couldn’t quite remember everything from that point. It was all clouded in a red blurry haze that hurt her head when she tried to peer through it. What she did remember clearly was the image of her two friends laying lifeless on the ground, of her sensei fighting for his life. What came after that was just raw feelings. Sadness, guilt, regret, and eventually, rage. Kakashi had the decency to fill her in on what she had done in her out of control state, though part of her wished it remained unknown to her. Killing was always going to be a part of her life, to think otherwise would have been naïve, but it was meant to be her doing the killing, not… whatever that was.
"You did what you had to," Naruto said. "Accident or not, you saved us, Sakura. You don’t need to feel guilty about it."
"I know, but… what if I hadn’t stopped? What if it took over for good? How could I ever forgive myself for failing to keep the fox sealed away." Sakura honestly wasn’t sure if this mission would be her last. Once the Hokage learned how easy it was for her to lose control, it wouldn’t be unimaginable for her to be removed from her team for the sake of safety.
Naruto nudged her shoulder with his fist. "Hey, no thinking like that. You came back, and you didn’t hurt anyone who wouldn’t have done the same to us. The fox would have killed everyone on that bridge, and you didn’t. That was all you, all Sakura. Pretty badass if you ask me."
Sakura pursed her lips. Always such a smooth talker. "You aren’t worried?"
"About you?" Naruto laughed. "Not unless you start fawning over Sasuke like all the other girls in the village."
Sakura hummed thoughtfully. "Well, he is rather attractive, now that you mention it. You think I have a shot?"
Naruto pouted. "Not funny."
"Was for me," she said, smiling at his misery.
In spite of her determination to let her negativity consume her, Naruto always had a weird way of lifting her spirits. For as long as she had known him, he had always been willing to help, willing to be there no matter what, like a beacon of infuriating positivity in a world that sometimes felt like it could get all too dark. It had been Naruto who had somehow dragged Sasuke out of his own head after what happened to the Uchiha clan, and it had been Naruto that kept them all glued together over the years. Sakura didn’t know where they would all be had things been different, and she didn’t want to entertain the thought of such a world existing in the first place. Still, there was something she wished could have been different and not at the same time.
"Do you think your dad made the right choice in sealing the fox away like this?" she asked.
Naruto paused at the question, mulling it over for a few seconds before grinning at her. "If he had sealed it inside of anyone else, I'd say no. But it's you, so I know he made the right choice."
Sakura huffed. "Now I know you're just being stupid."
"I'm serious," Naruto said sternly. "You're smart, Sakura. Smarter than anyone else I know. And you're kind… most of the time. You aren’t afraid to stand up for yourself and those you care about. I think, if anyone was going to have access to that kind of power, it should be someone like you."
If only she could feel so sure about it herself. "And what if I don’t want it?"
Naruto was back on his feet in a second. "Then we find a way to seal it somewhere else," he said confidently.
Sakura stared at him with wide eyes. "Is that even possible?" she asked. Based on everything she had read, on what little the Hokage could tell her about her condition, there was no going back on it. Once a bijuu was sealed inside of someone, the removal of it almost always killed the host, just as the death of the host almost always resulted in the deformation of the bijuu itself.
Naruto shrugged. "I don’t see why not. If my dad could learn how to teleport with seals and seal away the strongest of the bijuu, then I don’t think figuring out how to undo it safely should be impossible."
Something about the way he spoke about it was amusing to Sakura. Only Naruto could talk about one of the most complex of the shinobi arts and make it sound like it wasn’t a big deal. "Oh? Are you hiding a secret talent that I don't know about?" It wasn’t ridiculous to think that Naruto might have a knack for the sealing arts, what with his parents' reputation, but Sakura had yet to see any signs of said skills.
"There's a lot you don’t know about me," he said, smiling mischievously.
Sakura laughed softly. Cocky little bastard he was. Who did he think he was fooling right now? There was barely anything she didn’t know about her teammates, especially him. Naruto's propensity for being an open book, proudly announcing any and all accomplishments to any who would listen, made it easy to learn whatever she wanted about him, or so she thought.
"He's been studying seals ever since you told us about the Kyuubi."
Sakura and Naruto both jumped in surprise at the new voice, with Naruto quickly scowling. "You said you wouldn’t say anything," he whined.
Sasuke grunted unapologetically. "And I wouldn’t have, had you not been so lame about it."
"It's not lame!"
Sakura giggled. "It's a little bit lame," she agreed, making Naruto's shoulders slump. "But it's also really sweet. Thank you, Naruto, for thinking about me. Don’t worry too much about it though. I wouldn’t want you wasting too much of your time undoing your dads work, and it would be rude to hate being a jinchuuriki considering your mother was one. It'll just take some getting used to is all."
She sorely hoped that’s all it would take. As it was, Sakura wasn't sure if she could ever get used to being what she was. Having access to so much power, knowing now where it came from, and what it felt like to use it… it was all very overwhelming. This mission couldn’t be over quick enough in her opinion. There was a hot spring back home just calling her name for the moment they got back.
Sasuke shook his head. "Too late. He's committed now."
"Can you go back to how you were when you barely spoke?" Naruto quipped.
Sasuke gave a quiet grunt, but the smirk on his face remained. Sakura shook her head with a sigh at the display between the pair. If she had of known half her shinobi career would involve babysitting these two, she might have reconsidered. At least they kept her busy.
"Would you?" Naruto asked softly. "Give it up I mean. The fox?"
Sakura furrowed her brow at the question. It was always fun to daydream about not being burdened with the responsibility, of finding a way to be free of the curse or never having been stuck with it in the first place. Wondering how her life might have turned out differently, who else might have been chosen instead of her, whether or not they would have been a better choice. She had never given it any serious amount of thought however, as spending all one's time pondering the impossible would be a waste. That being said, if Naruto thought there was a real chance…
"I don’t know. Maybe. It's not something I want to get my hopes up about," she answered.
Naruto grinned at her all the same, flashing her an all too confident thumbs up. "Then consider it done. If there is a way to unseal the Kyuubi safely, I'll find it. I promise. You can decide what you wanna do from there."
Sakura smiled at him. "Careful. I'll hold you to your word on that," she said.
"Come on, Sakura. You know me. I never go back on my promises. Whatever it takes, I'll figure it out."
The two stared at each other for a silent moment, during which there wasn’t a hint of doubt in Naruto's expression. He truly believed he would find a way to help Sakura if she so wanted it. Foolhardy it may have been, but that only made it all the more meaningful to Sakura. Much to her amusement, her lingering smile directed at him caused Naruto to blush ever so slightly. Sakura was not ignorant to the kind of attention she could demand from the impulsive blond, nor the reactions she could evoke in him with little effort. It was cute. Unfortunately for him, it also left him wide open for her to have fun at his expense.
"Well then, I guess I will have to think of an appropriate reward for you when you're successful," she said, winking at him playfully.
It had the desired result. Naruto went red and sputtered about not needing anything in return, trying, and failing, to maintain his 'cool guy image'. Sakura laughed a bit louder at the display, not caring about how that only made Naruto worse.
Sasuke rolled his eyes at the pair. "If you two kiss, I'm going to puke."
"Why are you even up here?" Naruto asked heatedly, waving his one good arm around in an exaggerated way.
Sasuke paid him no mind, casually taking a seat on the rooftop. "I enjoy the fresh air while I'm reading." A book materialised into his hand, small and brightly coloured, the title all too familiar to his teammates.
Sakura's eye twitched, and Naruto's jaw hung open in disbelief at the sight.
"Sakura… are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
She was. "Uh-huh," she mumbled, eyes not daring to peel away. "Now there's two of them."
"Do you think it's infectious?"
Gods she hoped not. It was best to be cautious though. No point in letting this spread any further. "We better burn it, just to make sure," she said, taking a careful step towards the Uchiha.
His eyes shifted into the Sharingan, and he vanished in a blur. Sakura and Naruto cursed as they took off after him. Rest was the last thing on anyone's mind that night.
{I}
It was finally time to leave. The bridge was finished, and everyone had recovered enough to make the travel back to Konoha without issue. Sakura couldn’t wait to put this all behind her. Not all of it was bad, however. The local townsfolk were extremely grateful for their help, and the days since Gato had been dealt with had been quite enjoyable for everyone. Life seemed to finally be bleeding back into the once oppressed people of wave. Sadly, Sakura wasn’t spending her final moments taking in the glory of their accomplishments here. There were other things she had to attend to.
She knelt down in front of the two fresh graves, placing a flower atop each one. They couldn’t make proper headstones, but Zabuza's sword was a notable enough grave marker. The hunter-nin's mask hung from the pommel of his master's blade, the two of them remaining together in death as they had in life. Naruto and Sasuke had already paid their respects to the two fallen shinobi. For whatever reason, Sakura felt the need to spend a little more time here by herself.
Demon. That's what Zabuza was known as, what he had called her. 'Takes one to know one' as he had so elegantly put it. Sakura was still uneasy about the notion. Was he right? Was her fate sealed? She didn’t know, and honestly, she didn’t care anymore. Her team had seen her lose control, they knew what she was capable of, and they still believed in her, still trusted her. The least she could do was listen to those closest to her and try to believe in herself as well.
"I'll prove you wrong," she said, staring hard at the sword. "Just watch me." Sakura jumped as a hand landed on her shoulder, the singular eye-smile of her sensei immediately calming her down. "Sensei?"
"We're waiting for you, Sakura. Are you ready to go?" her sensei asked gently.
Sakura nodded. "Yes. Sorry. I didn’t mean to lose track of time."
Kakashi waved her off lazily. "Not to worry. Things like this can be important," he said, looking towards the graves with a solemn expression.
It was odd to see someone who must have ended so many lives in his life take the time to mourn those who had once been enemies. It made Sakura wonder. "Does it get any easier?" she asked. Part of her didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of taking lives becoming a mundane thing, but that was the life of a shinobi, so if it was to be expected of her then she would simply have to adapt.
"It can," Kakashi said. "There are many who manage to separate themselves from their actions. For some, it's as natural as walking, for others it's impossible, but for the best… it's unnecessary."
Sakura tilted her head at him curiously. "Unnecessary?"
Kakashi nodded sagely. "The best of us, those who possess not only the skills to do what we do, but also the heart to ensure those skills are used for the betterment of the world, don’t need to shut themselves off from the consequences of their actions. Death is unavoidable in this line of work. Sometimes it is simply necessary. Needless death, however, should always be avoided where possible. Cutting yourself off, shutting down your emotions for the sake of the mission, that's where the line between avoidable and unavoidable, necessary and unnecessary, can blur together all too easily."
The ease with which he spoke about the subject spoke volumes to Sakura. This was not just the wisdom of a man who had seen others suffer in such a way but had also lived that suffering himself. He had fallen into the darkness firsthand and seen the damage it wrought. Kakashi, her sensei, a perverted and lazy goof, had more darkness to him than anyone would guess just from looking at him. Sakura was beginning to understand what that meant.
"Let me offer you some advice. If it starts getting easier, then you're doing it wrong," Kakashi said. "What you're feeling right now is natural, and you should never let yourself forget that feeling. Taking lives is easy, but living with yourself after can be much harder. So long as you remember that you'll always find yourself making the right choice. Perhaps not the safest choice, or the wisest one, but it will be the right one."
Sakura let out a deep sigh and smiled. That little bit of reassurance was just what she needed right now. "Thank you, sensei. I won't let you down."
Kakashi placed his hand atop her head and smiled at her through his mask. "I know you won't," he said. "Now, let's not keep the boy's waiting. I'm sure they are just dying to tell all of your friends about what they accomplished out here. No doubt with some artistic exaggerations."
As they headed off towards the bridge, Sakura remembered something that made her hang her head. "Am I going to get in trouble for the Kyuubi?" she asked.
Kakashi hummed thoughtfully as they walked. "I wouldn’t think so. The Hokage is a very understanding man."
"And everyone else?"
"No one else will know but our team and those loyal to the Hokage," he assured her. "And, if it makes you feel better, we can talk to the boys and get the events of the mission downplayed a little."
Sakura looked at her sensei in surprise. "You mean lie? On an official mission report?"
"I won't tell if you don’t."
"But… but that’s…"
"The least I can do for one of my precious students," Kakashi said. "When I took you under my tutelage, I made a vow to do everything in my power to train and protect you. Your safety and wellbeing matter more to me than anything, so if you ask me to keep what happened on this mission quiet, that's exactly what I will do."
Sakura's eyes widened in understanding. "Those who break the rules are scum, but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum," she said, recounting the phrase that Kakashi had imparted to them as a team.
"Now you're getting it," he said with a pleased tone. "And, since we've established that we are friends, you wouldn’t mind telling me if you know anything about one of my books mysteriously going missing, would you?"
Sakura laughed sheepishly as she felt Kakashi's lone eye staring a little too intensely at her. "Is this a test sensei? Would this not fall under the rule of not abandoning a friend to their fate?"
Kakashi's eye narrowed before he turned away and resumed his aloof demeanour, whipping out one of his prized books and began reading. "That's a good answer, Sakura. I'm proud of you. Having your team's back no matter what is honourable. However, this does mean that if I cannot single out an individual perpetrator, I will be forced to punish everyone equally."
"It was Sasuke."
"Hmm, not who I would have suspected. Good to know," he said. "Thank you, Sakura. You always have been my favourite."
Sakura side-eyed her sensei. "Isn't playing favourites bad practice?"
Kakashi didn’t seem at all concerned about it as he refused to answer. They travelled in silence all the way back to the bridge, during which Sakura found herself feeling much better about things. They met up with Naruto and Sasuke, both of whom were busy being harassed by a surprisingly large attendance of townsfolk. Apparently, the people of wave wanted to see their 'heroes' off one last time. It was a little unsettling to still be considered the good guys after everything they had done, but Sakura was starting to understand. There were no good guys and bad guys, no demons and angels. There were just people and the actions they took.
The bridge had been scrubbed clean of the blood, something Sakura was thankful for. It wouldn’t scrub the memory of it from her mind, but it helped make being here easier. Everyone seemed happy to see them, all wishing them well and insisting they returned sooner rather than later. Coming back here on better circumstances might be nice, though Sakura knew it wouldn’t be for a while. Maybe one-day, when she was more sure of herself.
Goodbyes dragged on a little longer than needed, and by the time they finally hit the road there was some interesting emotions stirring amongst the team, most notably in the more rambunctious of their numbers.
"You doing okay there?" Sakura asked Naruto, nudging him with her elbow as they walked.
The blonde looked almost ready to shed a tear despite the smile on his face. "Okay? I'm doing better than okay. Didn’t you see the plaque on the bridge?"
Sakura blinked at him questioningly.
"Here we go," Sasuke muttered.
Naruto puffed his chest out, a tear finally rolling down his cheek. "The great Naruto bridge," he said. "I have a whole bridge named after me, and I'm still just a genin. By the time I'm a jonin, the old man will have no choice but to give me the hat."
Sakura grimaced. Glancing back to her other teammates, she was horrified to find both of them nose deep in their detestable idea of literature. It dawned on her that she had nothing with which to distract herself from the ramblings that were no doubt about to come. This was going to be a long trip home.