Shower Thoughts
The Kiramman estate is an expanse of luxury. Spacious, clean, comfortable, and most importantly safe. Yet after 6 months since the battle of Piltover, Vi continues to feel disconnected here, no matter how much Caitlyn makes room for her. Vi knows Cait is trying to make her feel at home here. She had even got a second elegant chair put into her study for Vi to have a place to sit. Cait didn’t say otherwise, but Vi knows she got the chair for her. However, she still prefers to sit on the coffee table. The hardness of it is familiar and comfortable to her. Reminds her of good times sitting with her brothers, and Powder as kids in their cramped basement. Mylo and Claggor were always fighting over the good spot on the worn out couch. There is none of that here.. Everywhere is a good spot, no one is struggling for it. Sometimes the perfection of it feels suffocating. Every corner of this place is pristine. Vi sometimes feels that just breathing she was somehow contaminating the room she is in.
Vi can’t remember the last time her body didn’t resemble an open battleground. Even as a kid, she would be found spotting a cut or two at anytime. Since they threw her in prison, there hasn’t been a night where she wasn’t nursing a wound, or sleeping a certain way just to be in less pain. Whether it was the dull ache of old wounds, or the sharp sting of new ones, Vi knew pain intimately. Yet here she is, and she’s never felt this safe in her whole life. It's not fair. None of her family got the chance to live like this. Whatever happens is on you. Vander's words echo in her mind. She lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding in, feeling Cait stir next to her, bringing her back into the moment.
It’s late, and Cait is still asleep in her bed. Their bed now, Cait has corrected her that this is her home too, multiple times. Her hair is strewn across the pillow and one hand is lightly rested on Vi’s chest. Her face is highlighted by the moonlight from the window. Even now, with her sunken eye and the scar, she is still the most beautiful person she’s ever known. Why she chose her, an undercity fresh out of prison street rat, is beyond her.
Their bed is so spacious. It has taken her a while to be able to fall asleep here. Her pit fighting days paid for a shabby apartment with a small rackety bed. That itself was a luxury compared to her days locked away. All the prison offered her was a dirty mat, on a cold floor. Before that a small bunk she shared with Powder. Now even with all the space, she's grateful Cait is sleeping so close to her. Vi can feel her easy breathing on her neck, a reminder that Cait wants her here. If Cait were to change her mind, Vi would leave without a fight. Cait deserves the world, and Vi isn’t sure if she can be enough. It would kill her to leave, but as long as Cait wants her here, she’ll stay. If she ever doesn't, she'd go.
Another breath comes that Vi didn’t realize she was holding in again and Cait stirs more vigorously his time. Shit. Vi realizes she is spiraling and doesn’t want to make this another night where her bullshit burdens Cait. It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for Vi to unintentionally wake Cait. Most of the time it was her nightmares jolting the both of them. She’d curse herself if she did that again tonight, not with her looking so peaceful already. Vi glances across the room to Cait’s private bathroom. Lifting Cait's hand off her chest with a kiss, she slips out of their bed to spare Cait any more disturbances.
A hot shower, she hopes, will soothe her racing mind. Stealing one last look at her sleeping Cait, making sure she didn’t wake her, she closes the door to their bathroom softly. Staring at herself in the mirror, she almost doesn’t recognize this version of her. A Vi whose face is round, and healthy. No open cuts or bruises from brawls. Just healed scars line her face now. She is happy, truly happy here with Caitlyn, so why does she look so fucking sad. Disgusted with herself she turns toward the shower.
Walking over, she turns it on, and setting it as hot as it can go. After pulling off her tank, and sliding off her underwear she hops in the shower. The burning is as instant as it is distracting. Vi instantly forgets how she looked in the mirror only moments before. Staring at the bottom of the shower she watches the water run down her body to the floor, then to the drain. The rhythmic pounding of the water hitting her back begins to soothe her, washing away thoughts that plague her. Closing her eyes she tilts her head back and feels the water pelt the crown of her head. Normally the hot water melts away her troubles, but for whatever reason she can feel her mind drift.
She didn’t believe it at first, not that she didn’t want to, but because she was there. She heard. She saw the explosion. For a long time she believed Powder died that day, and part of her still does. Cait showed her blueprints and schematics of the vents claiming there is a chance she is alive. They did find the remnants of her bomb and of Vander. Vi hopes that if she did get away, she can find the peace she deserves. She will always be Powder, her little sister.
Vi reaches for the bar soap on the shelf. Cait had got it just for her when she asked. Cait had all these fancy soaps and exfoliating shit. She loved how they made Cait smell and feel, but for her it was too much. Just a normal bar suffices, and reminds her of her childhood home. She thinks of Mylo and Claggor again. Their lives were cut so short. They also deserved a chance to live a life like this. Survivors' guilt. Vi had read about it in one of the many books Cait has in her study while she was with the council. It still didn’t make her feel better. All she wanted was to make a better life for her family, yet all she did was make a better life for herself.
Vi puts her forehead to the shower wall and cries. They start as silent tears but morph to low whimpers. Vander's words haunt her now. Iknow you want to hurt the topsiders for what they’ve done to us, but who are you willing to lose? She lost everyone from her past.
“Oh Vander..” Vi whispers through the water. “I'm so sorry I failed to protect them.” She steps back leaning on the shower wall with her back. Slowly she slides down until she is sitting on the shower floor. Her head in her hands while she cries. Mourning for the family that should be here. The overwhelming grief shifts to anger. She punches the tile wall in frustration. A tile on the wall shatters and splits Vi’s knuckles open. Seeing the crimson mix with the water instantly cools Violet, calming her. Fuck. Hopefully Cait didn’t hear that. She’ll explain in the morning, make something up, so she doesn’t look so stupid for losing her shit.