Ni - Two
The way back home was nothing out of the ordinary - there were no ambushes, no fights, no conversations at all, it was just a lingering silence. He couldn’t sleep that night, something Kakashi knew before even trying. Sleep never came to him, and he was honestly afraid to fall asleep. He was afraid to see the nightmare on repeat continuously through the night, it was even hell that during his waking hours the nightmares played on like a broken record.
It was cowardly of him to be afraid of something so simple as that, maybe not even understandable. But if regret clouds your mind and utter judgment, it becomes something serious to the affected. And if it doesn’t leave your mind after around ten years, then it’s a mental issue. The past was rooted in him and as much as he could, he could never run nor break free of it.
The white-haired man knocked lightly on the Hokage’s Office Door, since he was chosen to deliver the hardly-written report. Everybody hated giving in the report, so it was like race to throw to task on the other. It was tedious to do it, a waste of your time and if the report is hardly a report, you’d maybe get shit from the higher ups. And like always, Kakashi was left with it.
A barely audible ‘Come in’ was heard on the other side of the hardwood door and Kakashi let himself in, finding the Third Hokage smoking his usual wooden pipe, the thick smoke coming out of the other end. Kakashi took out the scroll from his pocket and casually tossed it across the room.
The room was covered with a beautiful yellow color from the sunlight, it casting long shadows all over the rooms. On impulse Kakashi immediately kneeled down one knee in the Third’s direction, silently staring at the Hokage with his one open eye through the canine-inspired mask.
“Good.”, came the words out of the Hokage‘s mouth as he placed the scroll on top of the other scrolls on the old desk, which had many piles of paperwork towering on itself. Kakashi already decided he will never be Hokage. Besides, there were more promising candidates if it came up to the position.
Kakashi stood up silently and turned for the door without a word, and after taking one step, the voice of the Hokage held him back.
“Do you know what day it is?”, he asked, taking out the smoking pipe when he talked. Kakashi’s tired form stiffened at his words, the memories flooding through his mind. Of course he knew, he could never forget. October 10th. That day a part of him went missing - broke off, the same way when Rin and Obito died at his hands. Only this time it wasn’t his fault, and he knew it with certainty. He was only fourteen when the couple died, too young for his mind to comprehend what was happening. His fist clenched and he pulled the strained body part closer to himself, trying to hide the hurt and vulnerability.
He missed his sensei and his bright wife, he never showed any signs of happiness and gratitude for their love and care, but he acknowledged them and…even thought it’s hard to confess, he loved them. He did, strongly. He even considered his sensei and wife to be his sort-of adopted parents. Only when he got close to them, he lost them, and it was always this way.
Everybody he loved slipped away so easily, so quick, and so painfully. He had to accept the fact that loving someone was not possible to him, since they’d leave him like they’ve always have.
“I know mourning this day is a habit of yours…but”, said the Hokage his wise eyes, from his age, staring at the young adult in the middle of the room with compassion. The young man didn’t deserve this. “You could visit their boy, he is turning six this year.”
Those words smacked Kakashi hard in the face. It’s been six years? His mind couldn’t process the passage of time. He still remembered every single detail from years ago. And it’s been a whopping six years? Six years, gone with mourning and murdering people?
“I know it’s hard for you. But I’d like you to visit him.”, said the Third, puffing out a cloud of smoke. “I haven’t been keeping my promise to them, and I don’t think I ever will. Would you visit their son, for the sake of what’s right?”
Kakashi was contemplating the offer with choice, maybe spending this day in a negative manner would be far worse than celebrating a young orphans birthday. Minato and Kushina would have loved the idea as far as he knew, they would have wanted him to visit their son over the years, but he’d let them down in his own selfishness. He only focused on himself, he completely forgot about the boy, who didn’t even knew his parents nor his heritage.
“Yes, Lord Hokage.”, he said, nodding his head in ambition, in await. He took the steps forth to the door and closed it behind him, the click barely audible under the ringing of his ears.
He was an utter failure who couldn’t live up to the standards. He was so horrible in showing compassion and that he needed a push from the Hokage to visit the son of the deceased couple. He was truly unkind - horrible - in every way.
Just as soon as he left, he took a few steps forward. And soon his tired body found itself leaning against the corridor walls, sliding against the cool texture, limp to the floor. The urge of tears made his eyes hot and with not even a beat passing, the first tears fell. He couldn’t help it, he couldn’t hold it in, he couldn’t stop it. The pain, the anguish, the regret, it all flew out at that moment.
And for the first time in years Kakashi’s tears spilled, the dam breaking, letting all the stress flow out. It felt like a weight had been lifted, but not fully. And crying? It wasn’t a good release for it. They weren’t suppose to cry, to even form the slightest of bonds. He had reached his Breaking Point, and there was no stopping it.
Screw rules and status, he thought. It only brought havoc into his terrible and unbearable life. His father, his friends, his teacher and his teacher’s wife are dead, something that was irreversible. Rules and regulations have always shaped his life in every way, form and manner, until everything fell apart. And after all the shit he went though, he was still honorable and was still playing the role of a dutiful ninja of the Hidden Leaf, but he wanted a break for once in his life.
He didn’t even bothered to wipe the hot, pouring tears away, he just sat there, against the cold wooden walls, the air thick with countless emotions, and he couldn’t help feeling disappointed with himself.
Only with himself.