Dark and Light
He sits on the floor in his father’s study, arms wrapped around his legs. Staring at the shelves of books and scrolls that Sakumo left behind. Kakashi wished that he could have his dad back, rather than the things he left behind.
Normally, Kakashi keeps any thoughts of Hatake Sakumo tucked away in a little box in his mind. A no-go zone where he attempts to put Rin and Obito too. The nightmares and use of his lightning jutsu move, Chidori, make it hard to keep it all tucked away. It seems that everything these days makes it harder and harder to keep them all tucked away. Kakashi tries to keep it out of mind to cope with the survivor’s guilt that he harbored.
It’s been a year since he was pulled from ANBU by Minato-sensei. The carefully sealed boxes that he kept his memories in opened when he slept during his time there. Now, even in the waking world, they seem to haunt him, for better or worse. The feelings demanded his time and attention, and Kakashi had no choice but to give himself over to the tsunami of feelings that came with that. Kakashi could barely continue to maintain the guise of his usual external demeanor. Unbothered, ‘cool’ is what Guy would say. Kakashi didn’t feel cool… He felt like someone who was white knuckling his way through the pain of his trauma.
Kakashi did not want to run away anymore. These memories were resurfacing, and it seemed that he needed to face them if he had any chance of coping. These tsunamis of feelings are what led him to move back to the Hatake family home. It sat here abandoned for years, Kakashi hadn’t lived here since he was a boy. If he could face his memories, maybe they wouldn’t have control over him anymore.
It had happened too many times to count, him spacing off during a mission, going somewhere in his mind where others could not follow. It was unacceptable, a danger to the mission and more importantly, to his comrades. He needed to be sharp if he was going to make sure no one else died.
He inhales deep and stands to his feet woodenly, touching the spines of books and opening a few. His fingers trace each of the tomes. It still smelled like Sakuno here, somehow, traces of sandalwood and rain stuck in time. Maybe it was in Kakashi’s mind.
He turns to the desk in the small study and examines its contents. The calendar on the wall was unmoved, Kakashi’s birthday circled a couple times in red. He wanted to cradle everything in sight like it was precious. He wanted to burn it all to the ground.
His fingers twitch, knowing that he could be a moment away from a fire or lightning imbued attack on this last standing husk of childhood memories. He’s considered burning the compound down, erasing what was left of the Hatake line with himself inside. Let the fire purify everything, including himself. Bakashi, you can’t just give up like that! Obito’s voice sounds like it’s coming through a tunnel, impossible to quantify its distance or volume.
He snorts, shaking his head. Would anyone let him into active duty again if they knew that sometimes, in the dark, he could hear a snippet here or there of those he lost? That he would sometimes be filled with wildly dark thoughts like the one that had just come to him? Kakashi decides to hold back on his destructive urge. Today, he will cherish instead. He picks up one of the scrolls on Sakumo’s desk. It has his handwriting inside, leaving a half-finished jutsu with notes in the margins.
Minato’s name was inscribed in the margin, except he was referred to as ‘Jiraiya’s student.” The margins described Sakumo’s desire to keep up with the Yellow Flash’s teleportation jutsu. His dad had loved ninjutsu as well, something that Kakashi forgot sometimes, a secret that he would relearn from Jiraiya’s, Sakumo’s peer and Minato’s sensei, here or there.
He picks up his father’s abandoned brush and dips it in the ink, ignoring the slight quake his hand makes. He works to complete the calculations in earnest, reading the jutsu formulas and wanting to finish this for him. It’s not his best handwriting, but having a task in front of him made the walls of this study seem less like they are closing in on him. Less like something he wanted to destroy and bringing him more to that side of him that wanted to cherish everything in here. In the privacy of his home, he doesn’t bother wiping away any tears that escape from the corners of his eyes.
After finishing the scroll and leaving it open to dry, Kakashi exits his father’s study, sealing it behind him. Hours must have trickled by faster than he thought, going by the tightness behind his eyes and the daylight beaming down outside. It looks nice out there. If only he had slept a wink.
He looks longingly at his bed and thinks better of it, he didn’t want to become nocturnal anymore than he already was. He decides to try this newly finished jutsu, already committed to memory via sharingan. He goes downstairs and is out the door before he can contemplate anymore about the memories Hatake estate holds for him. The entryway was the hardest spot, so Kakashi often elected to put on his shoes outside. Far away from the more painful memory of finding his father there.
He stops mid step to look at the kitchen counter. There’s a beautifully wrapped green bento, it sparkled like Guy’s teeth. He rolls his eyes, going to the counter and opening the bento. “I must be a pitiful sight, to get this much attention,” he muses to himself.
It wasn’t a complete surprise, the presence of the meal. These ‘mysterious’ (read: couldn’t be more obvious that these came from Guy) bento boxes have been appearing for months, only decreasing in regularity when his rival was out on a mission. Kakashi’s stomach rumbles with hunger as he uncovers his favorite meal inside along with his favorite snacks. He smiles at it and eats slowly, savoring the kind gesture. What a bright spot, after being in the darkness of his father’s study, not to mention Kakashi’s own mind.
That is Might Guy, in a nutshell. A bright spot. The light to his darkness. When he first got out of ANBU, Guy could barely contain his excitement, spilling to Kakashi how he had tried joining to be near his rival, but was denied by the Third Hokage. “They told me I needed to have ‘darkness,’ rival! It seems like an excuse if you ask me!”
Kakashi didn’t have the heart to tell him that he knew exactly what the Third Hokage meant. Guy was bright smiles, bright green, and full of the so-called exuberance of youth. He was the first person to bust through all the walls that Kakashi had put up for himself. Kakashi thought that he could avoid the mistakes of his father by keeping himself away from others, tucked safely away with the shinobi codes of conduct to cling to desperately.
Because of those cracks that Guy had made in Kakashi’s walls, Rin, Obito, and Minato-sensei were able to slip through and open his world up some more. He was led back to his father’s way of ninja by Obito: Those who break the rules are scum, that's true, but those who abandon their friend are worse than scum.
He slides open his front door and steps out into the bright light, squinting his eye and sliding on his shoes. He steps into the long-dead garden patch that used to teem with life when he was a child. “Huh?” he steps on a… pumpkin plant?
“Rival! Do not let your jealousy of my garden rule you and let you destroy my new growth!”
Kakashi opens his mouth, and repeats, “Huh?” He’s speechless, more than usual by Guy’s antics. Kakashi had thought he had seen it all and learned by now how to anticipate his next moves. He really should expect the unexpected whenever Might Guy is around.
“How can you expect to keep up with me if your nutrition suffers! I am growing food, rival!” Guy answers Kakashi’s unasked questions. Kakashi squints at him for a couple moments, and then looks at the greenery starting to shoot up from the garden.
His first instinct is to criticize, because otherwise this act is too wholesome for Kakashi to say anything about. “There is no way you can keep up with this garden while doing missions and having the shinobi lifestyle.”
Guy exhales and Kakashi swears he can see the steam exiting from his nostrils. “I accept your challenge, rival!” Kakashi cringes. Damnit.
Guy had small tubes in hands and was running them up and down the newly resurrected garden, intending on making an irrigation system.
Kakashi feels something warm bubble up in his chest. The last time anything grew here was when his dad was still alive. He let the garden die with his father. “Guy…” He starts, not sure how to stop him, or if he even wants him to. The excuses die on his lips at Guy’s intense stare, telling Kakashi silently to just accept it already.
Kakashi gets the urge to ask Mr. Sunlight-Incarnate-Himself to just… stay then. Stay at his childhood home and chase away the remaining darkness that haunt Kakashi’s day and nightmares. Have his best friend- his rival- stay here and keep Kakashi company. It would certainly lower the amount of time Guy would have to spend going from his own small apartment to Kakashi’s house.
That would be impossible. An insane idea, and not only that, Kakashi would mess it up. Guy has been babbling the whole time, carrying the conversation to squash the silence that Kakashi often stays in.
Guy stands up after finishing setting up the last of his irrigation system and runs to Kakashi, slinging an arm around him. Kakashi leans away from the touch, noticing how Guy is taking in what little of his face is exposed around his headband and mask. Guy can see through him. He can barely remember a time before he could. It’s usually too vulnerable, but in this moment it was more intense, like exposing an old wound that hadn’t healed properly. Guy had seen those on Kakashi before too, he supposed.
“What are you up to today? Fancy a run around the Leaf Village to get your blood pumping, rival?!”
Kakashi ducks his head and slips out from Guy’s arm. He pushes the bento cloth covering into Guy’s hands and nods. “Thanks, by the way. Don’t waste too much of your time here with me, Guy, this house is pretty much, well, it’s-“ He wants to say dead or haunted or dark, but those words won’t leave his lips.
He hates it when his words stay with him and won’t leave his mouth. It doesn’t happen often, this betrayal his vocal cords make, belying his normally calm and unfeeling exterior. Stupid Guy and his nice gestures, forcing Kakashi to feel tenderness and care.
Guy responds to Kakashi’s comment about his childhood home, “It’s a perfectly nice house! A little too big for one person, though, don’t you think?”
“I have to go and train some ninjutsu,” he walks away from Guy before the conversation can continue. Before he continues stuttering to his eternal rival and thanking him and asking him to stay for longer. That would be pitiful and unsuccessful and Kakashi would most likely die from speaking those words into existence.
Guy watches Kakashi practically flee from him, his grin never falling completely off his face as he finishes the rest of his gardening.
Some clouds go over the sun, putting the Leaf village in a darker setting. Kakashi goes to the isolated training field up high that he prefers. A more distant location compared to the other grounds. Further away from prying or concerned eyes. He climbs up the side of the rock face with one arm tied behind his back, his usual conditioning to get to this spot.
He uses chakra in his fingers to get him up that last ledge and pants at the top, untying himself and lifting the part of his headband that covers his sharingan. Both eyes open, he uses the ability to recall the jutsu he finished.
He creates two signs with his hands. Tortoise. Hare. “Lightning Step!” He shouts, lightning natured chakra going around his feet as he forces himself forward. Small bursts of lightning gather around his feet and around him by a couple of feet. It crawls up his calves and shocks himself a bit as well, which was something that wasn’t too surprising. He had often hurt himself because of Chidori as well.
The signs were accurate in telling a story of how this jutsu felt, as if he was going as slow as a tortoise, but his speed was fast like a hare. Kakashi’s speed was so fast that it ventured towards being uncontrolled. He slammed into a rock, barely preventing himself from knocking out his own teeth. His arms shake with the effort of stopping himself, thankful that he had chakra in his forearms or else he might have snapped bones. His legs shake as he lands on his rear, looking at the singed cloth of his pant legs.
He clenches his teeth, legs trembling as lightning dances around and licks up his legs continuously. The jutsu seems to stay a little bit before dissipating. This was significantly less stable compared to Minato-sensei’s teleportation jutsu, Flying Thunder God.
Kakashi exhales, sweat dripping down his back. He pushes himself up to his feet. This training ground, in hindsight, was not the ideal location, but it would force him to learn quickly or fall off the edge trying.
Fall from the edge, he did. Twice. Okay, maybe three times. He had lost count. The water down below would have been nice, if the remaining lightning chakra didn’t keep Kakashi on edge that he was going to accidentally electrocute himself. Climbing back up both times with an arm tied behind his back was excruciating, but this intensity of training was nothing new to Kakashi. It kept his mind quiet and focused. He felt like he was honoring his father with this, by finishing something he never got around to before he-. Again. Tortoise. Hare. Splash. Again. Tortoise. Hare. Splash. Again.
Time went by slowly inside of Lightning Step. He was starting to understand how to stop and start with more control. His sharingan remained open, helpful to have the visual jutsu activated during this, otherwise he’s sure everything will look like a blur, even in slow motion. He will endure. He can endure. He’s endured worse.
The next time he does Lightning Step, Kakashi windmills his arms at the edge of the cliffside and hears small pebbles fall as he remains on the edge. He smiles ruefully. He was starting to get it.
When did it get dark again? He tilts his head up at the moon, halfway up its ascent into the sky. In the darkness again, where he belonged. Not out in a garden in the full sun, out in the light where the darkness could not reach him. Kakashi is a little too far gone to attain that, he thinks.
Kakashi wanted to try Lightning Step with Chidori and his sharingan open, but he realized that his chakra reserves were too low to continue. He sat down on the ground heavily, catching his breath and lowering his heartrate. He looks down at his hand and squeezes his sharingan shut. The urge to push through was there but thinking about the Chidori brought out those images. His hand clenches and unclenches in a fist.
No, Kakashi. There is no blood. He opens his own eye, instead of Obito’s, looking down at his hand cautiously. The urge to wash his hands comes up. Just in case it’s still there. Kakashi gets up, glances off the edge, and throws himself into the water, diving deep and low before returning to the surface.
If only it were that easy to wash off the guilt. Kakashi glances around, simultaneously relieved and disappointed that the blue beast of Konoha, Guy, wasn’t sneaking around to surprise Kakashi once again. The man needed to get another hobby besides bothering with Kakashi anyway. Doesn’t Guy know by now? Friendships with Kakashi usually end one way.
Another dark thought. He shakes his head, trying to get rid of the general feeling left in his mind. The fear that he would one day disappoint Guy, like how he disappointed Rin, Obito, and Dad. “Enough!” He growls to himself, slamming his fist into the ground.
He walks home in wet clothes and steps up to the Hatake estate, opening the door and kicking off his sandals. He eyes the new green bento on kitchen counter and puts it in the fridge, electing for a shower and bed instead.
When his head hits the pillow, the lack of sleep and chakra exhaustion push him into a dreamless void. A welcome reprieve from his usual diet of nightmares and insomnia.
ia.