A Day To Honor The Dead

Today wasn’t a good day for Shikamaru. It was a commemoration day. A day to celebrate the fallen in the fourth great war.
One year after the end of it, it had been decided by the five Kage and the Elders that every five years, a day to honor the dead who had fought so hard to preserve the world would be put into place in each village. A ceremony, attended by the entire village in order to pay tribute to the victims, had been organized a few days before and had thus become a tradition.

Shikamaru spent the very first ceremony on his own, avoiding his mother and friends. He knew seeing them wouldn’t help but instead make him feel even worse. He had spent the entire night having nightmares and asking himself the same question over and over again, so he certainly didn’t feel like talking to anyone.
Standing in front of the crowd, along with his friends, he half listened to the fifth Hokage deliver her eulogy. Truth be told, he wasn’t all that interested in what she was saying. Lost in his thoughts, eyes towards the sky, he was just waiting for it to be over.

Gazing up at the clouds, he recalled the morning's events:

Shikamaru saw himself looking into the bathroom’s mirror.
He wasn’t someone who cared much about his appearance but for the first time this morning, he had actually paid attention. And the bittersweet feeling he had experienced at the sight had done nothing but exacerbate his pain.
He remembered tying his hair and thinking that he looked too much like his father. Sure, the hair color was slightly different, he had a bit of a rounder face and no scars to be seen but those were details. The eyes especially were identical in every way. So much so that, for a second, Shikamaru had felt as though he had been staring at his father's reflection instead of his own.
The sight had left him speechless; he hadn’t known how to react.
What difference would a cry or a shout have made? None. His father was gone and nothing would ever change that.
He had only been certain of one thing as the illusion had begun to wear off: he wanted his father back.
He missed talking to him, and he missed playing shogi together. Sometimes he even missed getting scolded. He just missed his father so much. The loss of the person who had supported him his whole life seemed so unfair. There were so many things he was going to miss...

It had been a year now, but the emptiness in Shikamaru’s heart still hurt like the first day.
With his eyes still locked towards the sky, he wondered: “Are you watching over us right now?”

As the ceremony was ending and the night was falling, Shikamaru decided to go by Asuma and his father’s grave one last time before leaving, hoping he would be able to eclipse himself before anyone noticed.
He waited for his mother to leave to approach Shikaku’s grave. And as he knelt down in front of it, he noticed the flower his mother had bought the day before and smiled, remembering those were the ones his father always offered her as an apology after a fight.
He wouldn’t be able to tell how long he remained where he was, just observing Shikaku’s name. This name, so similar to his own. He still remembered a time, when he couldn’t care less about traditions. What a stupid kid he had been.
Finally, after who knows how long, he stood back up, and gave his father one last thought before leaving: “I really wish you were here. I still have so many things to do but you won’t be there for any of them. I’ll do everything I can to make you proud. So keep watching over me.”

Unfortunately for Shikamaru, on his way out of the cemetery, his hopes of leaving unnoticed faded away when he heard his mother call for him. “Of all the people I absolutely did not want to see today!” He thought sighing before resigning himself to wait for her. Just because he didn’t want to see her didn’t mean she would let him, she wasn’t exactly the kind of person you could disagree with, especially if you were her son.

And just like that, his plans to escape the world went up in smoke.

“Are you planning on getting your voice back anytime soon?” No response. “Aren’t you tired of avoiding everyone?” Still no answer.
Yoshino sighed and grabbed her son's arm.
“Huh? What are you doing?!”
“Oh, so you do still have a voice! Good to know! Come on, I’m taking you to Yakiniku Q.”
“Huh?! Why? You don’t even like it there.” He tried to free himself, but she tightened her grip.
“I don’t, you do. If we go home, you’ll just lock yourself in your room and keep avoiding the world and I’m getting tired of it. So tonight, we’re going to eat outside, you’ll face the world and we’re going to talk.” Shikamaru observed his mother for a few seconds and sighed, it wasn’t like he had a choice in the matter anyway.

Fifteen minutes later, they arrived at the restaurant. They took the farthest table in the room and ordered.
Sitting in front of her, eyes blocked towards the window, Shikamaru was trying very hard to avoid his mother’s gaze. Unfortunately, the task was growing more difficult with each passing minute. “She won’t stop staring, will she?” He wondered. His question was fast answered as she asked him something.
“Are you embarrassed about last night?” His eyes grew wide, and his cheeks became flushed as he turned to face her. His face made her laugh.
“I’m… I’m not embarrassed,” he muttered.
“Good, you don’t have to be.”
“I’m not,” he repeated.
He absolutely was, but he would never admit it.
“You’re not a good liar you know that?” Yes, he knew that.
He could be a good liar but not with her. He had tried lying to her many times as a child, tried to find excuses to miss school or faked being ill so he wouldn’t have to go grocery shopping with her. It never worked. Every single time she just knew it was a lie. And while his dad didn’t really care about it, since he was doing the exact same thing, his mom would always end up yelling at him and he would always end up doing what she had asked.
“It’s not my first time dealing with that you know.” Shikamaru stared, waiting for her to elaborate. “I mean the nightmares and the memories, the trauma.”
“I’m not traumatized,” he replied, way too fast for it to be true.
“Of course, you are! All of you are, it’s normal. Hell, I’m traumatized, and I wasn’t even there! So stop being embarrassed about last night. I’m sure a lot of people had the same night. If you think your friends are any different, then you’re an idiot.”
“It’s not about the nightmares, they’re not my first ones, it’s just…” he looked away again and Yoshino smiled.
“Oh, I get it… my eighteen-year-old son is embarrassed because he cried in his mother’s arms.” She laughed and his cheeks grew even redder. “I really can’t see why though, I’m your mother, I’m here for that. Plus, it’s not like it’s the first time it happened,” she continued.
Yoshino had to admit, it had always been funny to her how easy it was to embarrass a man. Them and their ego. How many times had she put her son back in his place when he complained about women as a kid? She couldn’t tell but she knew it was a lot.
“Stop laughing, you’re making it worse!”
Yoshino calmed down and slowly grabbed his chin, forcing him to face her. She looked at him straight in the eyes, her gaze very serious but full of love.
“It wasn’t the first time and I guarantee you it won’t be the last. And if it’s not with me, it’ll be with someone else. You remember what your father told you after Asuma?” His eyes dropped.
“Don’t be afraid to let it out. Everyone needs to break at some point and trust me, most people won’t admit it, but they’d rather have someone with them when they do than having to face it all by themselves. You and your friends, and everyone in all five countries, we all went through a very complicated time, and now people are beginning to heal. You’re beginning to heal. It doesn’t mean you’ll forget anything or that it’ll stop hurting but it does mean it’ll get easier." Shikamaru frowned, unconvinced. "Some days, you’ll need someone to help you face them and other days you’ll be able to face them on your own. You’re one of the lucky ones though,” he looked up at her, she was smiling, a smile she only reserved for him or his father. “You won’t ever have to face anything alone. I’m here, and your friends are here, I promise that won’t change.” Her eyes hadn’t left his once. Her smile grew wider. “And who knows, one day maybe, the woman helping you won’t be me or a friend but a future daughter in law.”
Shikamaru winced, of course she would end this beautiful speech with a tease.
“Yeah, sorry, not going to happen, I really don’t feel like marrying anyone after being raised by you and dad.”
Yoshino chuckled, “Oh, how ignorant was that son of hers!”
“You just wait,” she said pointing at him.
Their order arrived and they started eating in silence.

Shikamaru pondered about everything his mother had just told him. Ever since the end of the war, he had thought about his father’s words after Asuma pretty much every day, but the problem this time was that Shikaku was the one who wouldn't come back, and he really had no idea how to deal with it.
A year had passed, and he still had a hard time admitting his father wouldn’t come back. Shikamaru had known grief before, his sensei had been like an older brother to him and losing him had broken him completely. At the time, he had thought that it would be the worst feeling he would ever feel, he never would have imagined that a greater sadness would one day be possible. But the truth was, losing a sensei and losing a father was very different.
While Asuma had always been there to help and guide him, Shikaku had been a constant presence in his life since he had been born. He had raised him and taught him most the things he knew. He was his father, one of the two people who loved him the most and one of the two people Shikamaru never imagined he would have to live without.
Truth be told, Shikaku did not really fit the image that one could have of a perfect father; he was working a lot and maybe he wasn’t always the most affectionate person in the world, but that had never bothered Shikamaru much. He admired his father for who he was, he had his very own way of showing his love whether through words or actions and he had taught him so much without even noticing. One of the last things his dad had told him was that “he hadn’t been present enough for him”, Shikamaru thought he was completely wrong. No matter what, his father had always been there when he had needed him, when it had mattered.

However, he had left him with an interrogation. At the time, Shikamaru hadn’t thought about it; they were in the middle of the war, and they had just lost their way of communication and their strategic place. But once the fighting was over, he had had plenty of time to think about Shikaku’s last words. And he had been struggling with those since last year. He was stuck with this question in his head, and he knew he would never get an answer. After all, the only people who could answer it had been blasted to pieces by a demon!
“You’re okay?” His mother asked.
Shikamaru, who had closed his eyes, noticed he hadn’t eaten anything yet when he saw the broken chopsticks in his hands.
“I’m fine, sorry, I was just thinking.”
Yoshino considered asking what about, but she imagined after the conversation they just had it would probably be best to change of subject a little bit. So, she decided to tease him.
“Thinking about that girlfriend of yours?” Shikamaru blushed.
“I don’t have a girlfriend.” He took a new pair of chopsticks and started eating.
It was true, he wasn’t dating anyone. But then, why was he blushing? And most importantly, why was he thinking of her every time his mother brought that word into a conversation?
He sighed and decided he was done thinking for the evening.

Shikamaru glanced at his mother.
A little earlier he had noticed she looked tired, and her eyes had seemed a bit swollen and red. Looking into them now, it was as if nothing happened, yet he knew it wasn’t true. Shikamaru was aware that his mother was feeling as awful as he felt but she was putting on a brave face for him. She shouldn’t really, if he was allowed to cry than so was she. However, after their conversation, it seemed clear that she had decided she would rather have a nice diner with him then having them both depressed, so he complied.

They spent the rest of the evening discussing lighter subjects. Shikamaru complained about work, and they talked about him officially becoming the head of the clan in barely a few weeks. He had already been acting like it for the past year but with everything going on the clan hadn’t had the time to make it official yet. He complained a bit more. Yoshino teased him once or twice again about his none, but maybe, existent girlfriend and he kept complaining.

As they left the restaurant, they both looked as if a weight had been pulled off their shoulders, smiling and laughing and for the first time in a year, the world seemed right again. Not perfect, but right.