Chapter 1
Ashara Trevelyan had spent the better part of a decade ignoring the existence of Josephine Montileyet. Maybe it was her being overly dramatic. Maybe she could have – and she probably should have – found a better solution but… well, it had been a knee-jerk reaction. Stubbornness and fear had kept Ashara from doing anything else, and it was far too late to attempt to fix it. Ashara was prepared to ignore Josephine and her feelings for all of eternity.
When Ashara had seen Josephine in Haven… well, every feeling from those days had been dragged back to the surface. Josephine was as beautiful as she had been ten years ago, and seeing the hurt and confusion in her eyes was heartbreaking. The feeling was made worse because Ashara knew she had caused it, and she hated hurting Josephine. But it was necessary.
So Ashara kept ignoring her. She went out of her way to avoid Josephine. If she needed to be, Ashara could be civil. Josephine was the ambassador helping run the Inquisition, the one keeping the nobles at bay and securing their help. The Inquisition was protecting her brother, no matter that they needed him. If being civil was what Sebastian needed when she couldn’t ignore the Antivan was what was needed, she could do that, no matter how difficult it was.
Then Haven had been attacked. Ashara’s memories after being stabbed were not clear. They were fuzzy and indistinct. She remembered Maddox Cassius kneeling over her, his hands glowing with powerful healing magic. She remembered her brothers, the terror in Sebastian’s eyes.
Most of all, Ashara remembered Josephine next to her, holding her hand, begging the Maker for Ashara’s survival. That hurt even more, the realization that Josephine still cared even after Ashara had hurt her. Knowing that Josephine would hurt even worse if Ashara managed to drive her away.
“You cannot ignore me forever, Ashara.” Josephine said, voice stern. Hurt and confusion a decade old lingered under the surface.
The pain worsened.
“I can certainly try.” Ashara regretted her words as soon as they were spoken. It was better to just stay silent and give nothing away. Josephine would give up eventually. She had to give up eventually.
“Can you?” There was a light touch against her back, the touch radiating warmth even through their layers of clothing, and Ashara pressed her eyes closed. That warmth was intoxicating and might eventually be her undoing.
“We can just ignore each other until Jules lets us out.” Ashara said, doing her best to keep her voice from shaking. Three hours. Ashara could managed three hours. She had to manage three hours.
“Then I will simply ask for Lady Cassius to lock is in here again.” Josephine said firmly. “And again, and again. I have endless amounts of patience, Ashara.”
“You asked for this?” She couldn’t keep the incredulity out of her voice.
“I asked for her to find out why you decided to pretend that I do not exist. She has obviously decided that this was the easiest solution.”
Ashara would forever be grateful that Freya Cassius – the dragon-slayer, the daughter of a god, a god-slayer in her own right – was so fond of her baby brother. Grateful that she would go to such lengths to protect him. Ashara was not stupid enough to believe that the fondness extended to herself. The woman was relatively friendly, but she terrified the ever-living shit out of Ashara.
“Can you simply not believe that I was no longer interested in our friendship continuing?”
“You, Ashara Trevelyan, are many things. The kind to simply discard a friendship, to so easily give up on friendships is not one of them. You would not lose interest in our friendship as easily as you want to claim – not after a decade, and certainly not after the five years when you first started pretending I did not exist.”
Ashara turned slowly, unable to really stop herself. It had taken everything to cut Josephine off all those years ago, and she was starting to fear she didn’t have the strength to keep going. It was why she needed Josephine to step away.
Josephine was beautiful. She always had been, and likely always would be. Dark hair that Ashara used to dream about running her fingers through was escaping her bun. Dark hair that she still dream about running her fingers through.
Was it pathetic that she had spent a decade struggling to pretend Josephine Montileyet did not exist and was still just as in love with her as she had been ten years ago?
“Why is that so hard to believe? Why do you think that I couldn’t –“The touch, the hand on her back, moved. Josephine’s hand rested on her cheek, and Ashara folded. She couldn’t stop herself from leaning into the touch, and a sad smile spread across Josephine’s face.
“You have far too soft a soul to hurt someone you care for without cause. You had a reason. Maybe it was a horrible reason, but you had a reason.”
“They took Sebastian. Dragged him away.”
“I know, Ashara. I remember. I was there.” Josephine stroked her cheek, fingers soft, the motion soothing.
Ashara wanted.
“I – I saw you, you know. The following year. Talking to the man who reported him to the Templars.”
A shadow passed over Josephine’s face. “He was a potential trading partner. My family has – we could not afford to turn those away, not matter my own feelings on the matter.”
“That’s not why. I saw you talking to him and realized – we couldn’t keep being friends. Not when doing so put you in danger. I could never have lived with myself if I was putting you in danger. Sebastian being a mage – it wasn’t unexpected.”
The gentle motion of Josephine’s fingers stilled, and a part of Ashara ached with the loss. “He wasn’t the only mage among you.”
“Our mother is a mage. Not all of us are mages, but more than a few of us are. I am a mage. Even the Trevelyans – more prone to mages than you would think.” Ashara admitted, her voice low and close to breaking. “For all that we lived in secrecy, the danger to you was not something that had occurred to me until they dragged Sebastian away.”
They couldn’t fight to free him, not without putting countless others in danger. And then it had become clear, seeing that man talking to the woman that she loved, that Josephine wouldn’t be safe when connected to her. It had taken everything in Ashara to walk away, to cease contact without explanation. It hadn’t stopped her from keeping every desperate letter Josephine had sent in the following decade. Protected, but unopened.
Ashara was certain that she would have broken if she had opened those letters, but she could not bear to throw them away. Everything Ashara had of Josephine, every little gift the Antivan had given her – all of it as kept safe. Ashara could not bear to lose that connection to the woman she loved.
“So you walked away from without even giving me a goodbye. Without an explanation. Did you think I would say anything? Did you think that I could not have been trusted with a secret of that magnitude?”
Ashara looked away, pressing her forehead against the door. Julien wouldn’t open it – Freya Cassius had made it clear that it was to stay closed. She had never explained her decision to anyone, not even her twin brother. While Julien had liked Josephine and tried to question Ashara’s decision, he had backed it without question. Maybe it would have been better if he had. Or maybe it would have been worse.
“You could be trusted. That was never the problem.” Ashara told her, closing her eyes tight. “I would not allow myself to be the reason you were in danger, not when I lo-“ Ashara cut herself off, closing her mouth to prevent the words. “Please just – don’t. I can’t do this.”
Josephine retreated, which caused pain. When Ashara risked a glance, Josephine’s expression was thoughtful. As if she suddenly understood something. The look on her face and the gleam in her eyes suggested she was plotting something.
Well, Ashara was going to wait for her brother to open the door. She was going to give him a piece of her mind – though she understood if he was worried about what Freya would do to him if he ignored her instructions – and then she was going to make her displeasure clear without doing anything to make the god-slayer hanging around angry.