The school day started exactly as any other. The sun was barely awake, just like the rest of the exhausted teenagers, and many were cramming in on homework that they had neglected to do the night before. Girls were coddling their boyfriends or mourning the two-week relationship in which they had imaginary babies named Bode and Calliope, AKA the most “unique”, AKA absurd names they could conjure up. And, of course, Naruto was wreaking havoc by existing and spouting a bright orange bomber jacket that was against the school dress code since they had state-issued uniforms.
Naruto threw his bag onto the empty seat beside him and plopped like a sack of potatoes into his seat in the back of the room. He took another bite of his peanut butter toast, which was hanging by a thread between his teeth, and turned to the taller brunette beside him.
He spat crumbs as he asked, “Hey, Shikamaru. Can I see the homework from yesterday?”
“Naruto,” the boy sighed dramatically, which triggered an exhausted yawn, “I can’t keep giving you my work. You have to do it yourself eventually.”
The blonde shrugged, “Well, I asked you to tutor me, and you said no!”
“I told you that it’s too much work.”
He scoffed, “Whatever, man.” Then he turned to the boy in front of Shikamaru and said, “Hey, hey, Neji. You got it?”
Neji’s long hair flowed defiantly as he crossed his arms and glared at the poor excuse of a student, “I am not letting you cheat off of me.”
“Why not?!” When he got no answer, he slumped into his metal seat and mumbled undecipherable complaints. “Man, you guys suck!”
Most of the boys continued to chat during homeroom while the girls gossiped in the corner around Sakura’s desk. The room became an overwhelming, askew chorus of discussions, ranging from the cutest boys to the newest video games to the creepy science teacher across the hall and who was dating who. The bell had rang stringently about ten minutes ago, but their teacher was nowhere in sight. This was typical though, so none of them questioned it when their grey-haired, eccentric educator wandered in leisurely, without a care in the world, reading a book inappropriate for a high school.
“KAKASHI-SENSEI!!” Naruto and Sakura screamed from their respective corners of the classroom.
The late teacher closed his book and scratched his head, “Sorry, guys. First, I got stuck in traffic getting coffee, and then–”
“I don’t wanna hear it, old man!” Defied Naruto rather rudely.
Kakashi blinked, “No, seriously. I ran into our new student, who was a bit lost.”
Naruto sat up straight. A new student? There was no way he was telling the truth!
As if the world existed solely to prove him wrong, a tall, lithe boy with wildly put-together black hair, whom he had never seen before, walked into the room and faced the class per Kakashi’s instruction. Four of the five girls in the class squealed like guinea pigs and wiggled around like worms amped up on too much caffeine at the sight of this boy, and Naruto had to say, he was fucking gorgeous.
There was an air of mystery shielding him, even though he had just arrived, and his skin was as pale as fallen snow, hair as dark as the night sky. The guy was like a modern-day fuck you to the Snow White fairy tale because Naruto couldn’t imagine anyone being prettier than this solemn boy in front of him.
“I’m going to date that guy,” he said out loud to the group of guys surrounding him on his right. They all looked shocked at him.
“You must be joking!” Neji pleaded.
“Nope.”
“Are you out of your mind, dude?!” Kiba harshly whispered in his ear behind him.
“Maybe, but it’s happening.”
“Ugh, such a drag!” Shikamaru shook his head and slapped his forehead against his desk in dismay.
“You mustn't, Naruto! It is a bad idea!” The bushy-browed student declared confidently.
Naruto turned in confusion, “Why is it a bad idea?”
None of them said a word but exchanged worried glances with each other as if they were doing an illegal trade-off.
“Well,” Shikamaru began when the plump boy gave him a slight nod, “you kind of suck at flirting.”
“What?! I’m great at flirting!” He insisted.
They all shook their heads as Shikamaru continued, “No, you don’t. Your way of flirting and hitting up someone always gets you in trouble.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
“You can be a bit…offensive.”
He cocked his head, “What?”
Choji peered around Shikamaru’s shoulder, “You say things in a way that makes you seem like a prejudiced person.”
The blonde squinted, “Huh?”
Neji slammed his hand on Shikamaru’s table, grabbing everyone’s attention, and Naruto watched as the vein in his forehead pulsed viciously with annoyance. “You sound like a bigot!”
“WHAT?!” Naruto yelled, forcing Kiba to reach around from behind and cover his mouth. The boys shushed him while he yanked the brunette’s hands off. “I’m not racist! I’m anything but racist!”
“We know that, but he’s new and won’t understand that you have no game.”
“I’ve got no game? Then how have I been able to pick up four people in this class alone?”
Neji sighed, “Naruto when we first met, you asked if I preferred to eat with chopsticks or forks.”
“Well, yeah. That’s a pretty general question. What’s the big deal?”
Lee said, “You asked Gaara if he’d ever seen a camel in person!”
“I was curious!”
“Naruto, he’s from Arizona!”
“So what?”
Lee threw a thumb toward Neji, “He and Hinata are from New York!”
“But they’re Chinese!” They all groaned.
“That’s what we’re saying, Naruto.” Shikamaru clarified. “You have a type, we get it, but you assume things about people based on their appearance and little knowledge of them.”
At that moment, the new student walked over to the empty seat beside Naruto, where he had thrown his bag, and glared daggers at the blonde boy. Naruto quickly squeezed out an apology and took the bag back to set it on the back of his seat. The boy huffed, put his shoulder bag on the floor beside him, and sat in his chair, staring straight ahead at the mediocre lesson their teacher had started.
Naruto grinned deviously, “Oh yeah? Watch this then.”
“Wait, Naruto!” But it was too late. No one could stop him.
“He’s a goner.” Said the pudgy boy as he munched on a bag of barbeque chips.
“I can’t watch.” Said Neji as he covered his eyes.
“How much you wanna bet he brings up that he’s Asian?” Quirked Kiba.
“I will bet five dollars and five hundred laps around the school if I lose!”
“Whatever, man. You’re on!” Kiba finished as he and Lee finalized their deal with a handshake.
Naruto grabbed the sides of his desk and scooted a little closer to the new kid. It made an obnoxious screech as the new guy side-eyed him suspiciously.
“Hey.” Naruto greeted pleasantly with his broad, blinding smile, which consistently won people over. “I’m Naruto Uzumaki!”
“Good for you.” Said the boy for the first time.
Naruto was taken a bit aback but recovered quickly. “First period isn’t all that important. Kakashi is always late and tends to rehash his lessons anyway.”
“Hmph.”
Not a talker, huh? That was alright. Naruto could talk enough for the two of them. “What’s your name?”
The black-haired boy gave him a look, “I introduced myself already.”
He blinked, “Huh? Did you? Sorry about that! I must not have been paying attention!”
“Clearly.” The smooth, monotone voice said.
“Ouch. He’s not getting anywhere!” Kiba whispered.
“The second-hand embarrassment is burning me alive!” Declared Shikamaru.
“Right, right. Whatever, man. Just introduce yourself again. How else will you make friends?”
“I don’t want friends.”
“Oh, ho. You're a bit of a bad boy, aren’t you?” He sneaked in a flirt.
The boy glared and turned back to the lesson. Naruto sighed, but he wouldn’t give up! Neji, Hinata, and Gaara weren’t very talkative either. The only person he ever dated who matched his energy was Sakura, but that was back in their first year, and he didn’t know he was bisexual yet, so it doesn’t count.
“Okay…well, where are you from?”
“Oh god…” Neji sighed while Choji’s binging got faster.
“This is going to be a shit show,” Kiba affirmed.
The boy raised a brow, “Where am I from?”
He smiled, “Yeah! You’re not from here, right?”
His dark eyes squinted, “What makes you think I’m not?”
The blonde scoffed, “Well, it’s pretty obvious.”
The boy’s head tilted condescendingly. “Oh, really?” he hummed, and the blonde boy continued to stretch his dopey smile. The five boys were mortified at their friend's fathomable ignorance. How could he not understand the implications of what he was saying? The raven smiled brightly, to their horror and Naruto’s delight, but Naruto seemed utterly unaware of the icy coldness in his dark eyes. “Sasuke. Uchiha.” The boy punctuated slowly.
Naruto beamed, “Sauce-key! Kinda saucy!”
Sasuke’s eyes narrowed. “Sas-u-ke. Not sauce; the ’a' is more nasalized. The ‘u’ is in there, so say it, and it’s ke . It’s a short vowel, not long.”
He chuckled, “O-kay. You are definitely not from here!”
Neji visibly paled, “What is this moron thinking?!”
Shikamaru shook his head, “He’s actually doing worse than I thought. I didn’t think anything could top Gaara.”
Rock Lee hid behind Choji's large frame, “I cannot bear it! It is too cringey!”
Sasuke grinned, but his eyes seared holes through the blonde’s ocean-blue eyes. If looks could kill. “Alright then. Let’s play a game, shall we?”
Naruto clapped his hands together, “Awesome! I love games! I’m great at them, amongst other things.” He flirted casually.
Sasuke looked anything but impressed, “I’m sure you are, dobe .”
“Hey, is that some kind of nickname in your language?”
Kiba cringed, “Ouch. It’s not getting any better, guys.” Everyone was groaning and in various states of shock, while somehow the chunky boy’s eating looked more like a vacuum-sucking up crumbs.
Sasuke raised a brow, “My language , huh? Something like that. Now, about that game?”
“Yeah?”
The raven propped his head up on the palm of his hand, “Why don’t you guess?”
“Oh god, he’s playing him like a violin!” Shikamaru realized. Neji’s face was now as red as a tomato. From humiliation or anger, no one could tell. Choji wasn’t even chewing anymore, and his eyes bulged out of his fat head.
Lee groaned, “It is like watching a fish compete in the Olympics…as a vaulter!” Shikamaru wasn’t entirely sure what that meant, but it made sense. Kiba was stifling his laughter in his hand, giggling like the Joker.
Naruto pondered this proposal; could he be reconsidering his poor actions? “I don’t know, man. I’m not really good at Geography.” Nope. It got worse.
Sasuke was smirking so much that his eyes were crinkling menacingly. “Give it your best shot.”
The blonde pouted, “They all look so similar, though!” Sasuke didn’t respond; he just smiled wider. The other boys took notice of the irritated twitch of the new kid's dimples. “I’m thinking maybe,” Naruto, don’t do it! “Korean?”
Sasuke shook his head, “No.”
“Damn!” He complained, but then his face lit up like a lightbulb. “Wait, WAIT. Do I need to be specific? I know there are two, right? So, my second guess is North Korean!”
The five boys stared dumbfounded. “How dumb is he?” Neji asked. Shikamaru shrugged. Only someone like Naruto wouldn’t be aware that no one from North Korea would be able to move so easily to the States. Choji was now in a food coma, Lee was twitching and fidgeting, and Kiba was biting his nails. Shikamaru could feel the years being drained from his once previously long life.
“No, dobe .” The smile fell from Sasuke’s face, “I’ll give you one more shot. Choose your next words wisely.”
“Oh, the pressure! Is it, uh, Chinese, maybe?”
Sasuke glared, “No, usuratonkachi .” His delivery was cold and brutalizing. His icy tone could freeze magma, but his bubbling anger would hold the same power as the active volcano.
Naruto gripped his hair, “Aw, man! I was so close!”
His eyes narrowed to mere slits, “ So close.”
“Hey, hey. Why don’t you say some more things in your language! Maybe I’ll figure it out then! The few words you’ve said don’t give me much.”
This boy was just digging himself a deeper hole. At this point, he could be buried alive.
Sasuke’s menacing smirk quirked at the corner in faux amusement: “Sure, I can do that.”
Naruto smiled, “Alright! Let’s do it!” The tension in the air was suffocatingly palpable. Kakashi had even stopped his lesson to listen to this shitstorm. The girls were both mortified and equally jealous, but they also clearly did not want to be in Naruto’s shoes, not that anybody would. Only Naruto wore two different pairs of sneakers from two completely rival brands on each foot. They weren’t even the same color.
The room was quiet; you could hear a pin drop from across the bay. The only noise in the classroom was the constant buzzing of the air conditioner, the slow tick of every agonizing minute on the clock at the front of the room that showed the wrong time, and Choji’s groaning.
Then Sasuke took a slow breath and opened his mouth. Naruto was on the edge of his seat in anticipation, and everyone else was trying to get away from the scene. Neji had stealthily slid underneath his desk to slither next to his bowl-cut friend for moral support.
The moment of truth…
“You’re a fucking moron!”
Multiple gasps resounded in the room as Naruto’s face switched from confusion to frustration in the blink of an eye.
“What the hell was that, bastard?!”
“Bastard?! Another slang term in your arsenal?!”
“What the fuck are you on about?! I was trying to be nice!”
Sasuke scoffed and rolled his eyes, crossing his arms. “Nice, my ass!”
“I’m starting to think that dope and usur-uh, usurantan-uUH. WHATEVER. Those aren’t such fun pet names!”
“It’s dobe. As in, dumb, idiot, stupid, dumbass! Usuratonkachi, as in slow, dimwitted, moronic, and a total jackass!”
“Well, aren’t you just shitting sunshine and rainbows! You must think your farts smell like damn roses!”
Sasuke nose scrunched up, “You’re fucking disgusting! What does that even mean?!”
“I-I don’t know!” Naruto grunted and crossed his arms to throw his tantrum further. “That’s the last time I ever crush on a guy I just met.” He mumbled, barely audible, but the raven and somehow the rest of the class caught the gist. “You’re all dicks when I talk to you!”
Sasuke’s jaw was on the floor. “Crush?” he stuttered. “What are you saying?”
“Isn’t it obvious that I was flirting with you?”
Sasuke stared, perplexed, and turned around to the back window. He flipped back to look at the door he had entered and then up at the ceiling.
“What are you doing?!” Naruto seethed.
He checked under his desk again, “I’m trying to find the camera. This is a joke, right?”
Now, Naruto’s face was hot and blistering. “IT’S NOT A JOKE, BASTARD!”
“If you’ve got the hot’s for me, then why were you asking such ignorant, prejudiced, misconstrued-”
“Would you STOP with the big words?!”
He rolled his eyes, “Why are you so racist then?”
“I’m not! I was just trying to get to know you! I still don’t know where you’re from!”
Sasuke was losing his mind. “Dude, I’m from Cali!”
“WHERE THOUGH?!”
“HERE, MORON. San Francisco! I just moved across the city!”
“Well, fucking welcome you, dumb bastard! Was that so hard?!”
“YES. You are insufferable!”
They were silent for a while before the cogs in Naruto’s brain started turning. They were rusty, but he found some oil somewhere. “So, you speak English. Was that the joke?”
He sighed, “It’s not a joke. I speak English and ONLY English.”
“What were those names you were calling me then?”
“Japanese.”
“I FUCKING KNEW IT!”
“You literally didn’t. Could you even tell me where Japan is?”
There was not enough oil for those cogs burning rubber in his poor brain. “It’s like…near Hawaii?”
Sasuke blinked, “...Hawaii.”
“Yeah…like near the sauce islands?”
“The…the what?”
“Polynesian islands?”
Then, to everyone’s shock, Sasuke snickered, which turned into a chuckle and evolved into a full-body laugh. It was short but left the class, including Naruto, speechless.
“Wow, you’re really stupid!”
Naruto fumed, “Hey-!”
“I can work with stupid.”
Neji gaped from his spot, cowering behind Lee, “No fucking way.”
Kiba's smirk returned, “Could it be?” Choji awoke from his secondhand embarrassment coma, and Lee’s mouth started collecting dust from how long it had been open. “No shot?”
Shikamaru shook his head in disbelief, “I can’t believe it. I never thought I would see it in person. This guy,” he started, “is a morosexual!” The five gasped simultaneously.
“It is the perfect match for the disaster, Naruto!” Lee croaked.
Naruto blinked owlishly and broke into a blinding grin, “Yeah? Well, how about I show you around town later?”
Sasuke’s smile just widened, “I'm from here.” He sang as a playful reminder.
“Yeah, whatever! I’ll walk you to your classes then!”
“Took a tour already.”
“Damn, dude! Is there anything I can do for ya?!” Naruto berated as the bell rang stringently over their heads. The dark, brooding, handsome boy got up beside him, and the blonde thought he was about to lose him for good before a nimble hand gripped his chin. His gaze was directed upward, and a cacophony of gasps could be heard around them.
Sasuke smirked, “How about you come over to my place after school and I could teach you a thing,” his sneaky, devilish grin stretched wider, “or two.”
Naruto smiled, “A free tutoring sesh? Count me in! I’ll bring dinner!”
“Sounds great , baka . Meet you after school.” Sasuke started walking away, following the crowd leaving first period, which left Naruto to comprehend what he called him.
“Hey, there you go again with the nicknames! What does that one mean, huh?!” Naruto yelled after him.
Sasuke giggled as he waved and left the classroom.
Naruto was flustered and grinning dumbly like an idiot head over heels.
He leaned back to look at his baffled group of friends, “See guys? I’ve got so much game that I was able to get a date right after school!”
“I’m sure that’s not all you’re doing,” Shikamaru mumbled.
Naruto blinked and cocked his head, “Huh? What do you mean? We’re studying!”
Kiba groaned but felt victorious for having won a bet, Lee handed him the money shakily, still aghast at his friend’s naivety. Neji’s gaze was intent on branding Naruto’s brain, but he also looked like he’d rather be dead than alive. Shikamaru was face-planted on his desk, and Choji’s chips were falling out of his mouth. Shino wasn’t mentioned in the entire story, but he was there, regretfully observing in the background.
“He can’t be this stupid.” Neji whispered to Shikamaru, while Naruto continued to talk about his “date” with the new kid.
“No, he is.” Shikamaru confirmed, “But Sasuke’s into it, so I bet they’ll be very happy together.”
“That is so sad,” Shino commented.
“By the way,” Naruto began as if the group wasn’t already late for second period, “what do you think he meant by saying ‘ I’ll teach you a thing or two’?” He mocked Sasuke’s low drawl, “Is he going to fight me or something?”
Kiba huffed out a deriding laugh as the group of boys walked to their next class, “Or something.”
“Huh? What do you mean?”
The group walked off, leaving Naruto to fester in his stupidity.
“What do you mean, Kiba?!”
He had the worst friends. First, they say he can’t flirt, which he obviously can. Secondly, they act all coy when it comes to his questions! What was up with that?
Whatever. He had a date with Sasuke Uchiha and he was probably going to teach him what the sauce islands are. He seemed like he’d know a lot about those things.
Naruto stopped in his tracks…
“Wait, does Sasuke think it’s a date? He didn’t say!” No one answered him. “Someone tell me, please! I don’t want to seem like an idiot!”
“Too late.” His friends answered in unison, which had Naruto running after them like a chicken with its head cut off.
Well, he gets an F for effort and an A for execution. Although, no one really knew how he pulled a baddie like Sasuke Uchiha in under forty minutes.
END