THUMP.
Mukouda landed face-first into a patch of dirt. Sui, the blessed slime child, bounced harmlessly onto the ground with a cheerful “Sui~♪”, while Fel landed like a majestic, overpowered idiot—completely unharmed, of course.
Mukouda, however, was eating soil.
"Pfffft—" Mukouda spat out a mouthful of dirt, groaning as he pushed himself up. "I swear to all that is holy, Fel, I am going to put you on a diet."
Fel, who absolutely did not care, stretched lazily. “Mukouda. Meat.”
Mukouda? Absolutely done.
“Oh, I’m sorry, do you mean the food I’m not making for you for the next two weeks? That meat?”
Fel’s ears twitched. His tail froze mid-wag. “...Mukouda?”
“You heard me.” Mukouda dusted himself off with righteous fury. “No cooking. No divine-grade beef. No perfectly seared meats. Not a single bite.” He narrowed his eyes. “Congratulations, you played yourself.”
Fel visibly short-circuited.
Sui, bless her tiny slime soul, wiggled happily. “Meat~?”
“NOT YOU, SUI. YOU’RE STILL MY FAVORITE.” Mukouda scooped up his adorable slime daughter and showered her with affection, all while Fel looked like he had just been personally betrayed by fate.
Fel’s ears flattened. His tail drooped. His stomach let out a dramatic, earth-shaking growl.
“...Mukouda,” Fel rumbled again, this time with something dangerously close to puppy eyes.
Mukouda stood firm. "Nope. No food. Suffer."
But before Fel could commit first-degree whining, a new problem presented itself.
A THUD shook the ground.
Then another.
And then—out of the bushes came a rabbit.
A giant, hulking, demonic-looking rabbit.
Its blood-red eyes locked onto them.
Mukouda, still exhausted from getting isekai’d twice, stared at it in mute horror. “...Oh, come on.”
The rabbit grinned. It had fangs. FANGS.
Then, as if today wasn’t already trying to kill him, something even worse happened.
A pink-haired lunatic in a red outfit came flying in from the side and PUNCHED THE RABBIT INTO ORBIT.
The shockwave alone sent trees flying. The ground cracked. Mukouda and Sui were flung off their feet from the sheer force of it.
Fel? Fel just blinked.
Mukouda lay sprawled on the ground, processing his life choices.
The pink-haired menace dusted off her gloves, then turned to them with a suspicious glare.
“Hey, you there,” she said, cracking her knuckles. “You’re not bandits, are you?”
Mukouda slowly turned to Fel, who was still in shock. Then to Sui, who was cheerfully bouncing.
Then back to Sakura Haruno, who had just committed violence against a rabbit-shaped kaiju.
“…I miss my old world,” Mukouda whispered, dead inside.
Mukouda’s soul left his body.
This pink-haired menace just one-punched a kaiju-sized demon rabbit like it was an inconvenience. And now? Now she was looking directly at him.
Fel was still buffering. Sui was still vibing. Mukouda was questioning his life choices.
“No answer?” the crater-punching psycho asked, taking a step forward.
“W-Wait, we’re not bandits!” Mukouda yelped, hands up in surrender because hell no, he wasn’t about to get the rabbit treatment. “We’re just, uh—”
“Lost,” Fel deadpanned. “Mukouda is terrible with directions.”
Mukouda’s head snapped toward him in betrayal. “I WILL take you off my cooking list permanently, you overgrown furball—”
Fel gasped.
Sakura just stared. “Right. And why is your dog sparking like a broken lightning rod?”
Fel let out an indignant huff. “Dog? DOG?! Insolent human, I am Fel, the great Fenrir! A being above all—”
Sakura immediately tuned him out. “So, a talking dog. Great.”
Fel short-circuited again.
Mukouda, sensing that Fel was about to smite someone out of pure spite, did the only thing he could—deflection.
“Uh, say! You look…uh…strong!” Mukouda forced a smile. “Where exactly are we?”
Sakura squinted at him, then crossed her arms. “You don’t know? This is the Land of Fire. You’re near the Konoha.”
Mukouda blinked. Then blinked again.
Then reality hit.
“…I’m in a world where people casually punch craters into existence, aren’t I?”
“Yes.”
“...Where people can breathe fire, shoot lightning, and move faster than humanly possible?”
“Yes.”
Mukouda’s soul screamed.
Sui, being the pure and innocent being she was, simply bounced. “Sui wants meat~♪”
Mukouda grabbed Sui in desperation. “I KNOW, SWEETHEART, BUT DADDY IS HAVING A CRISIS.”
Sakura pinched the bridge of her nose. “You guys are weird.”
And then, before Mukouda could process any of this, another disaster struck.
“SAKURAAAAAA!!”
A blonde missile came barreling toward them at Mach speed, kicking up dust and leaves disintegrating from pure chakra pressure.
Mukouda’s survival instincts screamed.
Then it happened.
Naruto Uzumaki skidded to a halt, grinning like a madman. “What’s up?! Who’re the weirdos?!”
"NOPE."
Mukouda turned immediately and started walking in the opposite direction. Absolutely not. He did not sign up for this.
Fel simply watched. Sui cheerfully bounced after Mukouda.
Naruto blinked. “...Did I say something?”
Sakura just sighed. “Just shut up and help me bring them in before they get eaten.”
Mukouda had never known suffering like this.
He sat stiffly in front of a very tired-looking old man, a man whose hat screamed ‘I AM IMPORTANT, BOW BEFORE ME.’ This was, as Naruto had introduced him, the Hokage.
Fel was growling at the ceiling like it personally insulted him.
Sui was wiggling happily in Mukouda’s lap, completely oblivious to his despair.
And Naruto?
Naruto was just vibing, grinning ear to ear like Mukouda was the most interesting thing to ever exist.
Help.
“So…” Hiruzen Sarutobi sighed, rubbing his temples. “You’re saying…you were thrown here by a space-time distortion?”
“Yes,” Mukouda answered miserably.
“And you’re…an adventurer.”
“Yes.”
“And you have a…storage ability that lets you keep an infinite amount of supplies.”
“…Yes.”
“And you cook.”
Mukouda narrowed his eyes. “Yes?”
Naruto lit up. “Yo, old man, we’re keeping him.”
Mukouda immediately snapped his head around. “Excuse me?!”
“You cook, you have food, and you have unlimited storage.” Naruto’s eyes were shining. “You’re basically a gift from the gods.”
Mukouda started sweating. “I—I am NOT a free meal ticket!”
Naruto’s eyes darkened. “...I just heard the words ‘free meal ticket.’”
Mukouda immediately turned to the Hokage, desperate. “Sir, please, I am begging you—deport me.”
Hiruzen took a long, deep inhale of his pipe and slowly exhaled.
“…I wish I could.”
Meanwhile, in the divine realm, a meeting of cosmic proportions was taking place.
Ninrir, Kisharle, Rusalka, and Agni—four goddesses who spent every waking moment harassing Mukouda for food—
—were now facing the ultimate enemy.
The Sage of the Six Paths.
Hagoromo had no idea why he was here.
He had been doing his usual mysterious ghostly nonsense when, suddenly, four angry goddesses appeared and trapped him in a divine circle of doom.
“Who…are you?” he dared to ask.
Ninrir stepped forward, eyes glowing with holy fury.
“You…are the one responsible for that nightmare world, aren’t you?” she hissed.
Hagoromo blinked. “...Pardon?”
Kisharle cracked her knuckles. “Oh, you know. The one where our dear Mukouda has been dropped into a land full of child soldiers, war crimes, and eldritch chakra beasts.”
Rusalka flexed her claws. “A world where people get traumatized as a rite of passage. And your reincarnations? ABSOLUTE DISASTERS.”
Agni lit her fists on fire. “Do you have any idea how much chaos you’ve just thrown our precious Mukouda into?”
Hagoromo suddenly felt a very real and very divine sense of dread.
“I…uh—”
Ninrir grabbed him by the collar of his ghostly robes. “DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH SUFFERING HE’S ABOUT TO GO THROUGH?!”
“I—”
“HE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE FIGHTING!”
“I—”
Kisharle clocked him in the face.
Hagoromo saw the Pure Land for a second time.
Rusalka punted him across dimensions.
Agni dropkicked his soul into the next century.
And just like that, the Sage of the Six Paths, the legendary founder of ninjutsu, the creator of chakra itself, was getting beaten to death by four furious goddesses.
And honestly?
He deserved it.
.
.
.
TBC
