Creative accounting
Kakuzu crouched atop a moss-caked boulder, threads coiled beneath his cloak like dormant serpents. Below, Hidan hacked through undergrowth, cursing as thorns snagged his robe. The Grass Village border loomed ahead—a tangle of mist and malice. Listening to his partner whine incessantly about getting stung by bugs, Kakuzu mused to himself: Grass shinobis favor poison-dart volleys triggered by weight-sensitive vines. Secondary layer of their traps consists of explosive tags disguised as lichen. Hidan’s stomping? Ideal trigger.
Around ten minutes later, Hidan’s boot crushed a vine. Darts hissed from the canopy. He spun, deflecting most—but one grazed his shoulder. “Tch. Cheap tricks!” Keep thinking that, you’d be begging me to rescue you soon. Then you’re going to owe me the whole share of the bounty from our next gig assassinating the wind Daimyo’s guards.
As Hidan laughed at the trap that did him virtually no harm, a lichen patch detonated, nearly shredding his left arm. When he was busy shouting curses at the “motherfucking cunts who ought to die ASAP for disrespecting Jashin sama’s servant”, a bunch of grass ninjas showed up and shot darts into his spine, paralyzing him from the neck down. Kakuzu hardened his skin and blocked off the attacks aimed at himself, and made Hidan an offer—"Wind Daimyo’s head guard was suspected to be secretly rebelling. You’re to kill him alone and leave the bounty reward to me. Do that and our debt’s clear.”
“What the fuck? What debt?”
“I rescued you from getting chopped up into a jigsaw puzzle,” Kakuzu said while casually impaling one ninja who got too close, “Or did you forget already?”
“I just let you have the money that day! What more could you ask for?”
“You didn’t turn in all the gold, did you? I heard them clink in your pocket. It’s expensive to take others as fools, and even more expensive when you are one yourself.” Hidan’s face went red with rage at that remark.
“Finders keepers! You ain’t got jack shit on me!”
“Again with that? Fine. I guess you can have him, gentlemen.” Kakuzu gestured at the enemy forces, who stared at the duo with uncertainty.
“No, you can’t be fucking serious with that, man! I’m your partner!”
“So what? I only partnered up with you because you said you could make me money. Fail on your purpose, and our fellowship is disbanded.” The grass ninjas, more and more assured that Kakuzu wasn’t intervening, advanced towards Hidan to search his pockets.
“Bastards! I will have your heads for this!” One of those ninjas silenced him with a slice to his vocal cords. When the blood began to shed, it was harder to put a stop to that. Another ninja stabbed Hidan in the guts just because.
Lucky for him, his throat healed in seconds, and the first thing he did was to agree to Kakuzu’s terms—I’ll do it! I’ll give you the money, just help me already!
“You could’ve agreed sooner. Look at your robe. 50,000 ryo extra for patch job.” Kakuzu said lazily, unleashing a deadly fire jutsu that wiped everything out in the 5-mile radius. All the grass ninjas who were alive one second were scorched the next, along with Hidan’s hair.
“You fucking geezer. Could’ve done this the whole time, but you let them ruin my robe and burnt my hair. Forget about the money, and go to hell!” Kakuzu clenched his fist. The only thing reliable about this brat was his unreliability fueled by low IQ.
“Look at yourself, princess. Think you’re special? You can’t even get up, and are already trying to double cross me. I’ve dealt with people 10 times worse than you, the type that’d make you cry when you were wearing diapers. Guess how they ended. If you want to walk again, the wolfsbane antidote is going to be 30,000 on top of everything else. Accept the offer before I decide that I charged you too little.”
“Tch! You got it, but only because Jashin sama is going to smite you down for this, and I’d love to see that happen.” Hidan snarled.
Kakuzu didn’t know he was going to say it, but as boiling anger surged through his hearts, his lips somehow reacted before his mind-- “Cursing is going to cost you another 20,000.” Malice was indeed contagious. Whenever Hidan opened his mouth, Kakuzu felt that if he didn’t do something to make him shut up, he’d explode from his limited ability to tolerate idiocy.
However, creative accounting seemed to hit the spot. When Hidan perceived that his rights were being infringed upon, he’d get irritated faster than anyone, even if it didn’t do him harm. That was why Kakuzu looked down on him from day 1—religious delusions, pointless outbursts, backstabbing for the sake of it, the list went on and on, but the core of the offense could be summarized into 2 words: fragile ego. How could a person so naive, entitled and impractical survive past 20? That's right. Because he was too much of a loser to even die, giving up his autonomy so crazy scientists could experiment upon him. He didn't earn anything. Just pure dumb luck securing him the lottery ticket, a life free of real suffering and responsibility.
Now that Kakuzu realized where the imbalance lied, he decided to restore it on his ledger as methodically as possible, since he was obviously “better” than his dependent yet complacent partner. When they arrived at a town in the land of tea, Kakuzu added one more rule: “Interest accrues 15% daily, zealot. Do something that pays, or sleep on the streets.”
“Eat shit and die, old douche. I’ll find my own lodging AND better company.” Watching Hidan distance himself from the hotel’s premise, Kakuzu’s Wind mask peeled from his cloak, a shadowy sentinel trailing Hidan into the night. “He can’t be up to any good now that he’s on his own. Don’t get caught staring. I want to see what he’s planning.” Meanwhile, Kakuzu mentally mapped out the possible places Hidan would’ve gone to and why he’d go there. Whorehouse, tavern, bounty station… Simple pleasures would not be a surprise. But he might also go to sell Kakuzu’s info, to buy it; to hire men to assassinate the stringy miser, or to carry out the assassination for a hefty bounty. One could never be too paranoid. Gotta be one step ahead. So Kakuzu flew to earth country himself to activate one of the decoy vaults he had planted over the years, as some of the false intel would say that there were vaults of his that way.
As Hidan disappeared in the ally and butchered thieves, robbers, lawful citizens and whores indiscriminately, pocketing their cash, each cent was tallied remotely. Then, the silver haired man walked into a dilapidated tavern with all the blood money he scraped.
Sharing the wind monster’s vision, Kakuzu’s hand shook, nearly dropping a jar of fake gem, not out of fear and rage, but of excitement. “I knew that brat was up to something. Buying my life now? Or information about my weakness?”
When Hidan came out, his cash was gone, replaced by a content smirk on his face. The wind monster lurched on a roof, preparing to record every man that came out after him. No capable killers on Kakuzu’s book, but one stood out from the rest – an intel dealer, holding the same bag. Kakuzu’s nostrils flared, shredding the wiry dealer entirely with a wind style jutsu along with the shabby tavern—and the rest of the people in it.
Hidan was already a few miles away when that happened, but sensing something, he turned back just in time to see the wind monster catching up to him. “The fuck? You were snooping on me, geezer? Oi, I’m talking to you!”
“Distract him. I’m almost done.” Kakuzu ordered, placing the last paper bomb at the entrance.
“Hey, come back! Don’t tell Kakuzu what I did, I’ll pay you, damn it!”