Game start
“Hidan has been perfectly compliant for 7 days not counting in the time he tried to kill me in my sleep. That brat understands I don't tolerate this kind of behavior. His skills are raw, but sufficient under my control.” Kakuzu scribbled on his ledger. One more bounty and the total revenue for this month would reach 30 million. Not just that, he found a viable replacement for the heart Hidan costed him the first day of their encounter. Things were looking very good, until…
“What have you done?” Kakuzu seethed as his partner desecrated the face of the bounty after SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS AGAINST IT. Oh, that’s it. No more limbs for you, mister. If there was one thing Kakuzu couldn’t take, it was this—standing in his way of making money for bullshit reasons, all the while being shameless about it. There was no excuse for crossing the BOTTOM LINE. He dismembered Hidan and hung him under a tree, ignoring the string of curses the other man threw at him. If you liked cursing so much, try doing that without a tongue. Then he left in the same brisk steps as he did after killing Hidan's predecessors.
Just as Kakuzu was about to enjoy the solitude that he was so accustomed to, though perhaps enjoy was a strong word, as it was more like not being constantly tested by someone else’s existential nuisance, Zetsu showed up. “You’re not killing this one. Pain will be very angry if you get rid of him like the rest.”
“I’m not. As you see, he probably is still breathing.”
“Stop being as much of a child as your partner. That’s who he is, not your toy, at least, not yet.” Kakuzu mused that to himself. He’d have more luck training a rock than Hidan, but maybe Zetsu knew something he didn’t. "Understood. From this point on, let me handle it my way."
To Kakuzu’s plight, the brat’s demeanor only got worse after being patched up. There was no right word for the amount of headache Hidan managed to inflict on him in just a minute. “Go back to town and buy me ice-cream! I want one chocolate, one vanilla. Mess up my order and I won’t take a bite. You ain’t got shit on me, geezer!”
“For half the work, I want half the pay, or you can drag me around for all I care!” Kakuzu felt his blood pressure rise: he would be damned if he let that happen, but what could he do?
Wait, payment. Even hell runs on money, that much Kakuzu learned: Gotta find a way to restrict his cash flow, so that he’d beg for funds. As long as he keeps that reckless act going, shouldn’t be long till he owes me for his mistakes. And if he doesn’t accept that he owes me? Well, he’s only roaming around because Pain wouldn’t let me ditch him. If I find a way to change that, or make him think it has, it’ll be easier. Soon, that brat will cave.
Feeling more confident about the future, Kakuzu handed his partner half the payment after their gig. “Enjoy your last free meal, zealot.”
“What?”
Kakuzu didn’t bother to reply, watching as the younger man spent all the bounty on senseless things. As he expected, Hidan messed up and got his legs chopped off on their next mission, charging into a village they were to wipe from the map without preparations. If that boy bothered to read the reports, he'd know that there weren't just women and kids in that village, but also well-trained jounins who'd pose a real threat to someone who only mastered taijutsu. Look who's the clown now.
Without assistance from his chopped up partner, the only chance Kakuzu had at exterminating all the targets was to unleash all the elemental monsters he hoarded, one at each district. However, since he was too paranoid to show Hidan what he could do before, the ignorant zealot took them as a miracle his God brought down on earth, weeping in joy as buildings crumbled into dust and praising the divine intervention. It was then that Kakuzu hypothesized that perhaps Hidan’s brain was the only part on him that wasn’t as resistant to damage as the rest.
“You’re praying to the wrong God, Hidan.”
“Oh go fuck yourself Kakuzu! Not everyone’s dead inside like you are! Jashin-sama truly blessed me like I always said he did, and lame wankers like you could just suck— what the fuck?” As Kakuzu walked closer and called back the monsters, Hidan’s mind came back down to earth.
“Hmm. I take it that Jashin sama is the one who’s to patch you up later? Guess my work’s done here.”
“Fuck, no, Kakuzu, that ain’t what I meant! I wanted to say that I always known you’re badass, so badass it almost rivals Jashin-sama himself. All the bounty money’s yours, I won’t claim a penny over it. Just stitch me back up, pretty please?” It was all the better when the zealot proposed that first. Now Kakuzu confirmed his suspicion about the boy—he really got 0 concept of numbers. Not even haggling for the repair fee, just letting it all into Kakuzu’s own pocket. Biggest fish to fry in decades.
"Hidan, search the dead bodies for bills before Zetsu eats them." Kakuzu called out to his partner after fixing him up, testing his level of obedience.
"Why don't you search them yourself? It's your fucking gold! Stop interrupting my rituals for fuck's sake!" No signs of gratitude whatsoever. That obstinate little shit. Perhaps, it could be taught through more trainings. Kakuzu knew from first hand experience how time could shape people.
"Don't be stupid. Gods don't exist, and praying is a waste of time. Try doing something useful for once."
"Like I care. When and not if you die, Jashin sama will send you to pagan hell and Imma be dancing on your grave!"
"At this rate, you'd be there before I am." Conditioning could wait. Right now, the more important thing would be to salvage the cash. However, when Kakuzu was almost through, Hidan reappeared with a small bag of gold, saying something about how his religion could make money too. Finally, progress. "Guess you're not so hopeless after all."
It wasn't exactly that Kakuzu agreed with Hidan on the usefulness of religion, but more like how he could play with the younger man's ego. Now this, he could work with.
Adjustment of strategy, then. No threats, since they wouldn’t work, but tricking that teenager into submission would be a different story. It'd be much easier to get Hidan to fall in his own trap and use repairs to bill him. Each rescue, each prayer he muttered, each assassination attempt and whine should cost him. If listened, his share could be reduced to below 15% across time. If not, there were other ways to make him see reason. Kakuzu could guarantee that Hidan won't like them.