My stamina's gone, my spirit is weak
Sasuke missed. Oh how he missed it all. He craved too. Like a child craves a mother's comfort and a father's guidance. But he never felt he deserved. What was a traitor like him allowed to deserve after he'd tainted the very names he sought to protect. He was a ghost amongst men, the last Uchiha that marched with the dead close behind him. A constant stain on his name and a reminder of how others would always view him.
Though he didn't regret his threats, his misdeeds. No, Sasuke still stood strong by his threat to authority. Sasuke's regrets lay mostly with a boy as golden as the sun. Sasuke had tainted Naruto. He'd brandished him with a forever dread. A paranoia that he wasn't even sure he could ever erase from the marrow deep within his hollow bones. If he could somehow erase that deep-rooted flaw he'd placed within Naruto, he would. He'd do it differently if he thought possible.
Sasuke wasn't blind or dense in that way, however. He understood that had he asked, Naruto would've tainted his own hands too. Three years felt like forever but never long enough at the same time. He'd realized plenty while he travelled from village to town, town to forest, forest to ocean and back again. He understood that he was now a graveyard of a man, yes.
But he also had discovered more than that. Regret made itself home in the pits of his stomach. Like the coil of a snake ensnaring its prey, destined to be eaten alive by the guilt. It bubbled, made him sick enough to gag but he swallowed it down. Naruto had fought tooth and nail, but Sasuke had remained stubborn in their youth. His selfishness turned sickly in his veins, the anger had simmered somewhere deep within his very soul and with its dormancy, he'd laid his weapons down. The Uchiha knew of his history, of what it meant to be an Uchiha. He had loved his clan, had taken so much pride in it once. But he had never understood why he'd heard about their ferocity when it came to love.
Sasuke knew of love, yes, he had a family once. He had Itachi. But with his clan, with Itachi, it was different. That was a debt he thought he was owed because it had been unrightfully stolen from the child he used to be. To love his brother was different. He had sought violence to ensure that no other experienced what he once had. Without that, Sasuke was blind to other definitions of it. Had he loved prior? Could he love now? It seemed useless, what was a man like him to do with such trivial and frivolous ideas?
One thing remained the same. Sasuke Uchiha was undeserving. It'd been three years, three whole years he'd travelled. Not a day went by that he wasn't thinking about their last day, their time in the hospital and the way everyone had looked at him with such disdain and animosity. The hostility was a tattoo permanently engraved in the pink folds of his brain. Though he'd never once blamed them or shot anyone a dirty look. He felt it was every bit deserved, even as he silently crossed the boundaries to where the outside forest and Konoha met. His sandals crushed the dirt and sediment underneath them with each step. His dark cloak billowed in the soft wind behind him, dragging in the air with each long stride.
He'd received a letter since the day he left detailing where he was to stay when and if he came back. The note was tucked in the fist of his only hand, a gentle but still firm grasp on the tattered and folded piece of paper.
He supposed Kakashi knew he eventually would. That man had his way of teasing the Uchiha even when he was out of sight. But he supposed their similarity was to blame for it. It was another reason for him to dread ever acknowledging Kakashi's advice. The taunting and smug looks Kakashi would adorn whenever he knew he'd backed the shinobi into a corner all too flawlessly pissed him off. Sasuke knew he could only run for so long before even he grew tired. He'd contemplated turning around, extending his absence for just a little bit longer. But the promise of a good night's rest and maybe the selfish desire to bask in a familiar presence tamed his need to run. Besides, he'd once been told that it was now or never. And now seemed like a really good chance. He'd followed the note, walking down the quiet streets of Konoha before the sun even bothered to open its eyes. A few flights of stairs later and he'd arrived at his destination. Mechanically, he followed the instructions once more. He'd bent over and lifted the welcome mat up. He then spotted the small, silver key tucked away under it before twisting it in the lock. It was eerie in a way, from the absence of sound in the early morning to the anxiety that bloomed in his chest, forever sealing his fate with the action. Regardless, he pushed forward because now he had to. He toed his sandals off and looked around the barren apartment. It was a bit more modern compared to the usual rustic style he knew Konoha to adorn. The walls were a plain white with cool grey accents. It lacked any furniture besides stools to sit on and a dining table. The kitchen was pleasant, filled with most everything he would need. At least Kakashi was generous enough to consider such. He closed the cabinet he'd opened, and the creak of the wooden door filled his ears. He shuffled out of his cloak, being a bit of a struggle thanks to one missing arm and the exhaustion that clung to his very core. His attention wavered towards the glass double doors. The light of the moon cast gentle shadows, showing off a tidy balcony with more than enough room to do as he pleased outside.
He stepped further into the space, his fingertips grazed the smooth surface of his marble counters. It was a lot bigger and fancier than he'd ever need. There was no way Sasuke could ever fill such a large space. Kakashi sure as hell didn't need to go all out for his sake either. Surely the man had no idea if Sasuke would ever bother returning, right? He rolled his tired eyes at the thought of that being predicted. Kakashi had just been banking on the what-ifs, but he'd gambled successfully. Sasuke was here now wasn't he. Shaking those thoughts from his head and finally blinking his eyes from the spot he'd been staring at he continued on. His feet padded against the dark wood of the floor, a soft echo in the quiet home. Temporarily forgetting his cloak on the marbled counter of his kitchen. The bedroom was just a simple one, but it seems that Kakashi took some more liberties in spoiling the Uchiha. The room had blackout curtains that were currently drawn, allowing for the full moon to light up the space. He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. 'Baby steps,' his inner monologue chimed. He swallowed, making his adam's apple bob in his throat. The sensations were overwhelming. He could recall the fuzzy memory of the old room he was given after his clan had been erased. He shut the door behind him and moved to feel the sheets on the bed. They were navy blue, a deep, rich color that he was sure Kakashi purposefully placed. A soft cotton under his calloused hands, roughened by the handle of his heavy chokutō. He was grateful for it, he'd tolerated something different as it wasn't a big deal. He could've gone and bought his own, but the man's attention to Sasuke's details was warming, even if slight. Sasuke suddenly remembered the comfort of sleepwear. That's right, he'd have to change, but his energy level said otherwise. Exhaustion had settled within him, hitting him like a train all at once. Had he really been that tired? Surely he wasn't letting his guard down. It didn't matter. He could wash and browse for clothing the following day. He had all the time to do as he pleased now that he was home. Or as home as he could possibly get, he supposed. He didn't feel as though he was home. No, home wasn't a rustic and old village filled with people who hated him before only to resent him even more. As if they hadn't been the cause of all his pain and suffering. Though perhaps there could be some leniency there, but not much. It wasn't like they were told the truth.
Home was a pair of blue eyes and hair so golden it was like the rays of the sun. Home was a raspy voice and tanned skin. An obnoxious color of orange in every shade.
Sasuke's eyes grew heavy as he lay face down on his new bed. The mattress was so soft, it engulfed his very essence before his world went black. Since when was the last time that Sasuke had such a dreamless sleep?
He couldn't remember such a blessing. The rattle was loud, it didn't necessarily help that Sasuke was such a light sleeper to begin with. The knocking was incessant. He tried to ignore it, tried to toss and get maybe a few more hours if he was lucky enough. But it was never that easy, he reluctantly reasoned. Slowly, he slipped out of bed, maybe if he was quiet enough he could get away with being undisturbed.
Though, unlucky as he was, the rattle of someone knocking on his door never ceased.
"I know you're in there damnit! C'mon open up already!"