full throttle, fragile hearts [on-hold]

makenzie lane had been driving since she was 5. she began with karting which young makenzie immediately thought was fun and exciting. there were steering wheels and noises and intoxicating tracks. there was competition, and where there was competition, there was victory to chase, and a loser to stick her tongue out at. of course, compared to the experiences she had now, karting was simply a playground. but at the time, it was everything to her. easily, even at such a young age, makenzie understood and shared the vision that her grandfather wanted for her.

the zooming, the nack straining force in the car, and the heat were among the most normal parts of her life. out of all of these, however, shutting the world out while on track was her most favorite. inside the flaming red car, her custom-fit driver earpieces managed to block as much outside noises as it could, and even her race engineer kept the comms to a minimum. really, whenever completing laps, the only things that needed her attention were ultimately the steering wheel and the side mirror. to the world, her engine thrummed like a good. to her ears, it was a mere subdued humming.

5 minutes had passed since she managed to reclaim the second position, and she had been defending it quite well. but another thing she learned was to never be fully complacent. in a race year 2021, she was ahead of everyone. almost 17 seconds away from the second placer. really, it was practically leisure driving on a typical road where only she could go at an ungodly speed and not face any consequences. so she treated it exactly like that – leisure driving. when she went back to the hotel, everyone congratulated her for getting 3rd place. that was the only and the last time she had made that mistake. because in the track, anything was possible, and every single millisecond and every little opening counted. in the track, speed was not the only thing you had to have.

the green car slid right into view. her side mirror allowed her to see it. the side mirror was shaky, and during her first time, it caused her massive headaches after races, but even with that, her whole system had already learned to adapt. 

"going wheel-to-wheel with lane now, reyes is absolutely giving this her hardest! another corner incoming. lane is in need of a tough defense," she could imagine the commentator would say.

makenzie's grip tightened around the steering wheel. she stepped on the accelerator. nevermind the approaching curve. if anything, this was the perfect time to practice the “late braking prowess” her personal trainer had been blabbering about, and she had been doing better at it. the only concern was the fact that the approaching curve was a sharp one.

regardless, she took the inside lane. by now, her trainer and the whole ferrari team already knew what she was planning to do. and they were probably – definitely – watching her push through with it through the cracks in their fingers, because they would already be covering their eyes. everyone, not only herself and her team, but everyone who had been following the sport, knew that this was tricky. with very little space especially, it required a lot of precision and control, which were things she still struggled with, things her personal trainer also blabbered about. but if there’s one thing makenzie was good at, it was fucking around and finding out. others would call it reckless, but she liked better the term courageous.

inside lane. her acceleration maintained. makenzie lane pressed on forwards. she could feel her self-preservation instincts shrieking. that, clashing with her thirst to know what would happen next, how this stunt would end up, lit her adrenaline aflame.

makenzie almost skidded completely out of track. “fuck, fuck, fuck,” she muttered to herself, followed instantly by a chuckle. because in the end, she made it. she passed through the corner not only maintaining her distance, but actually increasing it by at least 3 seconds.

“did you see that?!” she asked, enthusiasm adhered to her voice like honey.

“yes, i did, you lucky son of a bitch,” replied her race engineer. through the in-ear, his voice was distorted, slightly electronic. “what the hell,” he added, muttered under a sigh of relief.

outside the flaming red car, breaths were suspended, and all eyes were either glued on track or on the monitor – there were only 2 laps left to complete. lane managed to put a 5-second distance between herself and reyes, but makenzie lane wouldn’t be makenzie lane if she could be satisfied with that. defending her position was a priority she had surpassed, and now there was a new one: taking the first place from her teammate, jennaiah robles.

"and with just a couple of laps remaining, makenzie lane is giving it absolutely everything to close the gap to her ferrari teammate! a five-second gap now — drs is out of the equation, but we’ve seen lane pull off miracles before.”

"oh, please, she pulled off one just now. three laps ago, she was in p7. i blinked, and suddenly she’s ahead of reyes!

“hell, that woman started 13th. lane’s on fire!"

"yes, and you can see her strategy in action here – lane is clearly in attack mode now, managing ers as well as anyone on the grid. looks like she’s storing it carefully in the tight corners, then deploying it on the longer straights. every ounce of power is critical right now if she wants to make it to robles before the checkered flag."

"and the gap has come down to 3.8 seconds!”

“talk about miracles! but question is, will she be able to hold onto this pace?"

“and does robles feel pressured at all? ‘cause, look, this is starting to look less like a race more like two best friends on one of their playful, competitive drives.”

“what a dynamic duo – ferrari knew exactly what they were doing when they got these two!”

“robles is responding well, though! she’s gone faster and managed to pull another 0.2 seconds of distance. a safety car or even a virtual safety car could change everything here."

"meh, with less than two laps to go, that doesn’t seem very likely. ultimately, it’s down to lane’s pace and strategy now.”

"no, you’re right, it’s pure racing skill and focus now. makenzie’s going to have to make up all that ground herself if she wants a shot at the lead.”

behind the wheel, makenzie couldn’t help her grin. with jennaiah as her primary “competition” now, para na lang silang naglalaro. malamang, aasarin na naman s’ya nito, dahil malamang din ay hindi n’ya naman ito tuluyang maabutan, let alone steal the first place position from her. still, it got makenzie’s blood pumping. gustong-gusto n’yang hinahamon si jennaiah, the fastest driver of their generation.

hindi na n’ya problema si reyes ngayon; whenever she turned a curve, it would take about five seconds before reyes appeared in her side mirror. once again, she had done what others deemed impossible: turning the race around within the last 5 laps.

with a zoom, she crossed the starting line again. one last one, she thought. if she could go wheel-to-wheel with robles, she would take that as her very own win. 

"makenzie’s coming through the final sector now, she’s gained another tenth."

"just 0.4 seconds between them as they head toward the final stretch. i wonder what last-ditch attempt lane’s going to make now."

“or if she even has plans of making one.”

"well, lane’s got one last shot, she’s definitely not the type to not seize any opportunity that presents itself.

“and, jesus, are you right, brother! she’s right on robles’ tail, wheel-to-wheel!"

“checkered flag is out, jennaiah robles takes the win! absolutely sensational racing!”

“makenzie lane comes second, just 0.4 seconds behind! reyes follows, then johnsons…"

—

makenzie lane. a name given not by her parents, but by her grandfather. he said it had a nice ring to it, a name that was sure to be seen one day on the news, in articles, in posters and banners and huge screens plastered across buildings – a name that the world would remember and continue to echo even after she’s gone. and he wasn’t wrong. for the most part, at least.

“makenzie lane,” entering the cool down room, jennaiah uttered her name proudly. her grandfather would be pleased. would think this is how it’s supposed to be. “were you on goddamn steroids tonight?” she asked, giggling.

imbes na tuluyang umupo sa katabing stool at tumayo ito sa harapan ni makenzie, both arms spread out wide. makenzie rolled her eyes, because what was this? she did not think this called for a hug, and especially not in front of reyes, who was so beat up she did not bother sitting and went straight to lying down.

“come on, give me that hug. we don’t have all day,” jennaiah prodded, both hands making the ‘come here’ gesture.

“just do it, please, maki. get it over with while i still have my eyes closed,” reyes said, her spanish accent standing out.

jennaiah’s giggling only grew louder. she loved it when she irked people.

makenzie abandoned her seat, and finally surrendered to the hug that jennaiah was asking for. the cooldown room was the first sense of comfort that the top 3 drivers were exposed to after the race. after this, they would need to get back out there for the podium celebration, and then to answer interviews. but for the next 8 to 10 minutes, all they had to do was lounge around and, in makenzie’s case, to be at the receiving end of jennaiah robles’s affection. or rowdy antics. whatever she was currently in the mood for. although, from the looks of it, she was feeling more the former.

jennaiah, a few inches taller, wrapped her in her arms and the heat of their suits were pressed together for an uncomfortable 3 seconds.

“you did well there, maki,” bulong ni jennaiah sa kanya, may kasama pang tapik sa likod.

muntikan na namang umikot ang mga mata ni maki; ayaw n’yang tinuturing s’yang parang bata, especially by someone who was actually younger than her. but she and jennaiah had known each other for years – 5, to be exact. long enough to get used to their dynamics: jennaiah, halimaw sa tracks, softie’ng makulit sa labas, and maki, happy-go-lucky sa tracks, suplada sa labas. somehow, their differences seemed to protrude and curve at all the right places, intertwining pleasantly with each other.

“practice ka pa, though. you’ve still got a long way to go before you beat me,” jennaiah jested, parting from the hug and smacking the older woman’s chest with the back of her hand.

“that hurt, je. kita mong ang lapad-lapad ng kamay mo,” said maki, fondling the spot that had been hit.

“calloused hands. all hard work.” tumaas-baba ang mga kilay ni jennaiah.

“kalyo, nasa likod? paano ka mag-drive, naka-baliko ang kamay?”

shaking her head, jennaiah took the stool next to maki. reyes was still on the floor, eyes closed, one arm on her forehead, the other beneath her head. well, that left them two practically alone.

“wheel-to-wheel is a new record,” jennaiah said. she looked as though she really would love to recline in the stool if not for the absence of a backrest.

maki squinted at her, “you seem to love bringing this up. oo, mas magaling ka pa rin sa akin.”

“no, i don’t even mean it that way.” jennaiah chuckled. “genuinely, maks. starting p17? Ending in p2? only you could have done that.”

“you would have done that, too, but you’ll never have to kasi qualifying pa lang, gilas ka na.” maki stretched out her arms, then put both hands behind her head, her elbows sticking outwards. “i mean, always securing a spot in the top 5? only you could do that.”

“i mean, unless you count the one-”

“in los angeles, yes,” maki interrupted. her teammate didn't have to say it. should never have to say it. because whenever she did, her eyes would lose a considerable amount of ‘happy’ that it always contained. “that’s, like, such a rare occurrence, though. parang napakaliit na mali sa magandang painting. you wouldn’t even notice it, no one would have pointed it out.”

“well,” jennaiah sighed. “this isn’t a painting, and everyone definitely points it out. everytime.”

jennaiah didn’t sound sad, just defeated. it was as though she had accepted something as a reality, even though she still had so much fight in her to try to turn it around, because the world had already decided it for her. it kept reminding jennaiah, wherever she went – to interviews, on the internet, even in their own paddock – of how her eagerness was the thing that ultimately brought her where she was now, but also the same thing to be blamed why her brakes locked up that one time in la. jennaiah did not deny this. in front of makenzie, so many times, she acknowledged that she let blake pressure her too much to the point of also letting her take away her composure. she acknowledged that the flat tires, the unexpected trip to the pit stop, and the ruined lap overall, was her fault.

since then, makenzie had grown more protective of her teammate, become more aware of the people that surrounded jennaiah, and the words that came out of their mouths in front of the younger girl. one time, when jennaiah was asked about the la qualifying rounds for what felt like the 75th time, without a drop of hesitation, makenzie put herself between the younger and the interviewer, her nose nearly shoving up against the microphone. to her own credit, makenzie made an effort to put on the kindest smile she could muster before saying, “my teammate will no longer answer questions she’s been asked for the hundredth time. why don’t you all work those brain juices and think of something more original and interesting, and then we’ll talk.” 

she could lie and say it was all a playful joke, something she said to lighten up the air. but, for one, lightening up the air was the last thing those words were capable of. and two, it wasn’t a playful joke. if she had no image to preserve, no career to care about, she would have given a more severe approach. would have not bothered even to put on a smile.

the following second, she had jennaiah’s wrist in her grasp and was guiding the younger girl away from the swarming microphones and cameras. and the following morning, her bad attitude plastered the headline of every newspaper she encountered. it felt a little concerning to be called an “arrogant star who couldn’t handle scrutiny” , and it sure felt horrible to be yelled at over it by their trainer and her grandfather. but in the end, the only thing she had proven to herself was that she cared very little. once, jennaiah was just a teammate she had to get along well with because it was essentially part of the job, but now, jennaiah was a younger sister. the age difference was barely a year, but that didn’t mean she could stomach seeing her teammate be put through this.

of course, whenever jennaiah would bring that up, makenzie did not always agree. in fact, she did not remember ever agreeing. sure, jennaiah was pressured, and it got to her. but wasn’t that normal? “you’re not perfect, je. no one should expect you to be, even yourself,” maki would tell her, and she meant every word every time. she just hoped her teammate valued her words more than she did laurel’s. because laurel, their trainer, was pretty much just like the world, always reminding jennaiah of something that she was already punishing herself enough for. 

“you did well out there yourself, je,” sambit ni makenzie. and again, she meant it, but seeing the faint smile that jennaiah gave, she reckoned it was not exactly what she wanted to hear. perhaps, there were words more comforting, like, “you don’t always have to do well, je.”

despite figuring this out, maki allowed for prolonged silence, decided it’s better not to tip the air. after all, soft as she was, jennaiah liked to handle herself and her emotions alone, especially in moments like these. really, the best thing she could do was allow her some space, and just let her rest. besides, she herself had so much rest to catch up on. she’s still hesitant on whether or not to swing by the paddock club after the podium celebration, because her whole body was practically screaming for the soft mattress in the motorhome, her eyes desperate for sleep.

she planned on diving straight back to training the day after; the following month would be vacant, and the notion of spending three weeks out of four in the philippines was a reward she could almost taste. but first, she had to earn it – pure rigorous training for the first one week, that was the only way. the only thing that would silence the nagging at the back of her head. and she had every intention to earn that as soon as she could. well, that was until now. because with all the exhaustion of the past weekend suddenly washing over her, a day of break was starting to look like an option.

the time in the cool down room lasted for about five more minutes. when they were called out of the room, makenzie was almost thankful, because her eyes were getting really heavy, and she would have fallen into a nap if the podium celebration began any later.

the three of them rose to the podium – reyes on the third, herself on the second, and jennaiah taking the first. it was all good fun, as it always had been. the golden circle trophy was something she had flaunted to the crowd multiple times now, and yet, the exhilaration felt the same. this was what she loved about racing – it didn’t seem to lose the hold it had on maki. for more than a decade, she had been doing this. and for exactly that long, too, the fire in her heart had been kept alive, no matter if the challenge was gratifying or flat out aggravating.

the champagne moment had to be everyone’s favorite. it was jennaiah’s favorite, and it wasn’t because of the champagne itself, but the way this portion was practically an approval for them to act like children. being all messy and playful and rowdy with one another, spraying champagne in each other’s faces and everywhere else. at one point, maki suspected jennaiah’s chief motivation to always be in the final 3 was this very moment. everytime, she had the loudest giggles and the brightest sparkling eyes. for makenzie, however, this was the moment she was most cautious about; she could stand the smell of alcohol now, and even a few dribbles of it on her tongue. anything more than that, however, she already considered to be dangerous waters. she gave it a minute of her time at most, and she would always be the first one to step down from the podium. with her career conquering these heights – heights she could only dream of before – the last thing she needed was a relapse. it wouldn’t please the fans, and when the fans weren’t pleased, her trainer and her grandfather’s fury would follow.

above everyone else, though, it was her wife she did not want to disappoint. she wasn’t spending the entirety of their marriage monitoring makenzie, enduring complete abstinence from alcohol herself in maki’s presence out of pure solidarity, just for makenzie to carelessly give in and go back to her old bad habits.

her wife. she was probably in the paddock club right now, entertaining the guests, putting on her best smile despite the weariness from the flight, waiting for makenzie – she didn’t like it when makenzie neglected the paddock celebrations, so the only time she really skipped it was when her wife couldn’t be present either.

“leaving so soon?” jennaiah asked, her voice raised so maki could hear her from the podium steps, already in the process of climbing down.

makenzie stopped and turned to her. moments ago, she had handed her huge champagne to a man she did not even know. she tried to slip away as quietly as she could, but perhaps, just as perceptive as she was of everything about jennaiah, the latter was also aware of everything about her. even her silent absence.

“wife’s probably looking for me now!” makenzie yelled back, smiling.

comprehension flickered in the eyes of her teammate. jennaiah gave a nod, “be there too in a bit.”

maki had nothing to say to that. she simply flashed a thumb up and proceeded down the steps, leaving everyone else to continue the celebration. she ran her hands through her red hair, the heat in her red suit was starting to feel truly intolerable. god, a bath would be so good right now. and plopping right onto the bed right after would be a cherry on top. but with a huff, makenzie quickly dismissed that fantasy; her wife would want her at the paddock club, and so in the paddock club she should be.

—

as soon as makenzie stepped into the paddock, she called the attention of the guests. necks turned, one after the other. music played in the tent. not the booming kind, though. just the mellow and nice kind, something to fill in the awkward silence in the background, although she doubted people would even notice that; they were too preoccupied talking to each other.

a zing briefly cut through the speakers, the sound of the microphone being switched on in the wrong direction. the music lay low, and her presence was officially announced.

“everyone, one of our champions has arrived. please, let’s all welcome, mackenzie lane!”

there was a wave of applause, instantly putting a smile on makenzie’s face. she wouldn’t bother pretending to be humble and saying that attention and respect did not matter to her – they did. deeply. sometimes, when driving frustrated her, the thought of people discerning her with sparkling and admiring eyes would be the only thing keeping her going.

she raised a hand, a simple gesture to acknowledge and appreciate everyone’s attention.

“thank you, everyone. don’t let me interrupt a good celebration, let’s all just enjoy the night.”

makenzie roamed her eyes, sweeping the place for the face that was the reason she bothered coming here at all.

there, at the corner on the left.

makenzie’s stroll quickened. most of the guests turned back to what they were doing, but others took the chance to come close to the driver and shake her hand, congratulating her whether with words or simply with the proud look in their eyes. with her chin up, maki accepted all of these. praises and compliments and felicitations, until she reached the table she was aiming for, and there her wife was, stunning in her all black get-up.

as makenzie’s wife, it was one of serena salvador-lane’s responsibilities to keep the guests engaged while waiting for the driver’s presence, and that was exactly what she was doing now. behind closed doors, she would complain about how tiring it was –

“i just don’t get why i have to do even this for you. i’m your wife, not someone from your team,” serena said once, rolling her eyes.

however, on the spot like this, serena had never looked more like she was in her element – socializing, that was. the girl had a penchant for being closed off, but makenzie prided herself for being observant, and she had observed so far how serena’s eyes never sparkled so brightly as when she was close to people, interacting and getting to know them.

“baby,” makenzie muttered, intentionally making sure everyone at the table heard her. it still startled her how easily her hand had gotten used to finding the small of serena’s back when they were this close. sure, they had been married 2 years, but they could still put on a convincing show without these small gestures.

right?

serena turned to her, wearing that lovely smile that makenzie had always found so hard to believe she produced out of duty and responsibility as her wife.

“oh, there’s maki! we’ve all been waiting for you.” serena got up from her seat, and leaned closer into her arms, her perfectly blended peach and rose scent wafting straight to makenzie’s nose.

“hi,” maki beamed at her. unlike serena, her smiles were never for the show. “holding the fort off a little too long?”

“it felt nothing like that, i love talking to these people.” she sat back down, pulling the empty chair beside her so makenzie could rest her legs, too. “although- they’re really excited to see you, honey.”

lowering herself onto the chair, maki regarded everyone around the table. aside from serena, there were three. she had seen them before, but she remembered them not by their faces, but by what they did. lesterson, a journalist. lee, a talent scout, always got an eye on the lookout for a potential racer. and miller – she’s just here to expand his connections and try to persuade people to invest in her startup aimed at sustainable racing tech.

“sorry for making you guys wait for too long. post-race stuff, you all know how it goes.”

“no need to apologize,” lesterson waved a hand. “besides, your wife’s here, we barely noticed the time.” the way he eyed serena, there was no doubt he adored her. this sent makenzie’s brows furrowing, albeit only for a second.

having to be surrounded by cameras for almost every hour of every day, she needed to master the art of controlling her ever-so expressive countenance. she still got on the brink of failing, like she did just now, but at least she had become quicker at pulling her composure together.

makenzie, all hot and burning in her suit, leaned back in her chair and put an arm over serena’s. kung kita s’ya ngayon ni robles, aasarin sya nito ng, “ano ka, bakod?” 

“yeah, she is one hell of a charmer.” she shot her wife a glance. serena was unassuming. or at least, that was the act she was giving, just keeping her smile on, back straight, slanting towards the table where her hands were clasped together.

she’s beautiful. no matter where she went, she would turn heads, even if people didn’t know she was the wife of makenzie lane.

“p2, though, lane!” the journalist said enthusiastically. “that was some battle out there.”

from that alone, makenzie’s chest swelled with pride. being surrounded by people had its cons, like the need to adjust herself according to what these eyes would accept to be socially polite and appropriate. but it definitely had its pros, too, like their esteem, the starstruck in their eyes, as though meeting her was as significant to them as seeing the holy land was to any devout friar.

“thanks, i did my best.”

“could have done better,” a slightly gruff voice sounded from behind.

“lolo,” makenzie muttered, eyes widened for a brief moment. what was he doing here? he’s not supposed to be here. he’s supposed to be two neighbouring countries away, hanging out with his friends.

both serena and makenzie stood up, acknowledging his presence. he raised a hand, like a command. you can sit down , it said, which both she and her wife followed. 

“0.4 seconds behind. you could have pushed harder, makenzie,” he echoed his own statement.

maki watched as the old man made his way to the seat between lee and miller. the seat that was right across from hers.

she nodded at what he said. because it was true, and because her grandfather liked nothing better than when people approved of his opinion. even someone as small in his sight as makenzie.

by the time makenzie could open her mouth, he had sat down. 

“i agree, but 0.4 seconds… that’s a new record worth celebrating, i think.”

“and yet,” he let out a sigh. the disappointment was kept subtle, imperceptible for others, but for someone who had been in his company since she could remember, and knew every form of his disapproval, makenzie felt this disappointment like all of the earth on her shoulders. “you could have pushed harder.”

no one dared to speak for a while. even the guests around the table were suddenly mum. makenzie racked her brain for something to say. what words could she string together that wouldn’t sound so impolite but would stand her ground just right?

before she could think of one, though, serena decided to fill in the silence.

“speaking of records, the stands were totally packed today. it’s been a while since i saw a crowd that wild.”

“absolutely. the energy was insane! it’s what the people came for,” miller agreed.

“it really was,” lee added. “i think everyone’s excited about the track changes.”

“yeah, actually,” said makenzie. she still felt the tension in her shoulders. always, when her grandfather was around, her body insisted on guarding itself. “turn 3 was tricky all weekend, but meh, it made for some good racing.”

“and good racing is what we’re all here for,” lesterson said, raising her glass of champagne, which makenzie’s gaze flickered away from eventually.

serena nodded. she herself had a glass of champagne before her, but with maki now next to her, she wouldn’t touch that anymore. although, from the looks of it, she had downed almost half. instead, serena reached for makenzie’s other hand on the table. “i’d say we’ve all got something to celebrate tonight.” she gave her wife a comforting caress, taking makenzie’s breath away.

serena had always been clear about being “here strictly because of the contract”. she did not only say it, her actions were also true to it, the way she would immediately let go of makenzie’s arm when nobody was looking anymore, and the way she insisted not to sleep in the same room (well, except for the times when they were too defenseless to think of all that) – they rarely ever had dinner with just the two of them, now that makenzie had thought about it. but there were times, too, like this one, when serena’s gestures really made her wonder. holding her hand, giving her a soothing caress – was this just part of the show they promised to put on, too?

“you cut my granddaughter too much slack, seri,” said her grandfather.

firmly, serena answered, “i think my wife did great, lo.” she managed to make it sound more supportive of maki, and less opposing of her grandfather. “and the packed benches saw all of that.”

“all those benches saw was my granddaughter failing to close a 0.4 seconds gap.”

words abandoned everyone around the table. even makenzie herself. she made every effort not to meet her grandfather’s resolute stare, and to keep her smile on even as her fists tightened. 

“well, if you’ll excuse me,” she said at last, pushing back, the chair making a screeching noise against the ground. “i think i’d better go get some air.”

she left the table, turning her head around to loosen up her stiffened and tensed up neck, and expanding her shoulders out, because regardless of anything, pride is something she must always wear.

“lane. come back here,” she heard her grandfather call out. he didn’t like scenes like this.

or, more accurately, he didn’t like when maki reacted this way to his provocations, especially with important people present. maki worried about that, too, chiefly because a journalist was also at that table. but if she worried about it, then even more so did her grandfather; he would pay to get everyone there to shut up.

maki kept walking away. guests still greeted upon seeing her coming closer. this time, however, she found it hard to entertain them as much. a smile and a nod. that was enough. it had to be, it was all she could give now.

“maki,” serena called. mackenzie needed not to turn her head; from the sound of it, it wasn’t difficult to discern that her wife was just a few steps away. probably instructed to go after her right when she left their table. 

“not now, rina,” said maki. calmly. she was tired and she wanted serena to leave her be, and if it had been someone else she would already have snapped at them. but to serena, she said this calmly: “i can’t take any more of this tonight.”

her throat was dry even after the bottle of water she had in the cooldown room. nothing would have felt better than to slither out of this place and get rid of this garment – the red suit was always uncomfortable after the race, her exhausted body feeling trapped in its very own secluded hell in it. right now, it added up to the frustration, and it made her hate it more. she hated that the reason she was wearing this thing, ultimately, was the grandfather who was never completely pleased with whatever she achieved.

“i’m sorry, i didn’t know he would come,” serena said, stopping maki in her tracks, just a couple more marches away from the exit.

“it’s not your fault,” makenzie said, massaging her temples. the sight of serena’s soft scowl, as if anytime soon the taller woman would reach for her to provide even just a little comfort, extinguished the rage almost completely. “it just sucks, i thought i’d have a great night just celebrating.”

serena let out a sigh. even she was tired, makenzie could make out that much from the way her eyes had lost the enthusiasm she was so good at faking. she didn’t reach for makenzie, though. didn’t provide her comfort with a touch. but she did step closer to her, compelling maki to look her in the eyes.

“look, you and i both dislike him, and i don’t like this any more than you do. but show them a little respect, maki. not your lolo, pero ‘yung ibang bisitang pinunta ka.”

“what do i care about them? nandito lang naman sila to social climb.”

at this point, makenzie was convinced she sounded just like a child throwing a tantrum. immediately, she collected herself. serena did not like dealing with this side of her.

“at least say something to them bago ka umalis. ang tagal nilang nag-antay–” 

maki turned away and began walking again. because serena did not like dealing with this side of her, so she would just get herself out of the woman’s way.

“maki,” serena called, once again trailing after her. “maki, please.”

maki stopped. annoyed. infuriated with herself. she didn’t like it when serena had to chase after her like this.

“you want me to say something to them?”

“yes. anything.”

“alright, come.”

she grabbed serena’s wrist, taking a turn, walking all the way back inside. the closer she got, the clearer the figure and the face of her grandfather was, and the quicker the rage was rekindled inside her. she walked past that table, stopping at the very front, right before everyone’s eyes. she looked at serena. the rage turning into aching. still fire, just a different kind.

“everyone, something i wish to say,” she addressed the guests. now, she had successfully and intentionally gotten their attention. the chattering died down, and even the music gave way for her. “i’ve got the prettiest wife, and i love her so much.”

the guests dissolved into awww ’s and mushy smiles and envious eyes, but makenzie was far from done – she slipped a hand beneath serena’s defined jawline, drawing her closer, and pressing her lips against hers, the brunette’s cherry lip balm making its presence known in makenzie’s mouth. serena, startled, clutched onto her arm a little too hard. for a second, it felt like she was going to push maki away – it felt like it, and it was understandable. they had never done this before. but serena, by whatever miracle, thought it best to let the kiss last for as long as maki intended. which wasn’t even longer than five seconds.

“thank you,” makenzie’s final words for the guests before taking her leave. she couldn’t spare serena another glance, afraid of the emotion she would find on her face.

but, at the very least, that got serena to stop chasing after her.

—

scuderia ferrari’s motorhome embraced the colors red and black on the outside. red surface lined with thick black stripes all around. above the wide open entrance doorway, right in the middle, the black prancing horse stood out in its yellow background. serena salvador walked right in, her eyes adjusting to the overwhelming whites of the walls, the sudden absence of dark and passionate colors.

she passed by the kitchen where most of the team was having their fill for the night. they greeted her, she merely smiled and nodded. turning to the stairs, she was met with a picture of makenzie and jennaiah in their red suits, walking the track with their helmets in their hands. the whole thing was the size of paintings in museums, and there were several more like it in the offices in there. one that serena wouldn’t forget was the photograph of the teammates in the middle of a hug. bahrain grand prix, 2023. both maki and jennaiah made it to the podium, too. in the photograph, their cheeks were all stretched up with their wide smiles, their hair drenched in champagne. it was memorable for serena, because it was taken a year after she got married, and it was the same night that makenzie admitted she still struggled on the podium, because catching the whiff of champagne and not being able to have a glass made her whole mouth and throat burn – the same night maki first pleaded to be allowed to sleep next to her.

serena took the stairs. the motorhome had three floors, just enough for everything they needed during race weekends – offices, a coffee bar, a dining area, a kitchen, restrooms, rooms both for their drivers and guests, and lounging areas. it got loud sometimes, especially when men were gathered in the same area, but otherwise, the motorhome was quiet, filled with people who were just doing their jobs. really, it was a nice and cozy abode that saved everyone the expense and time of traveling back and forth to a hotel after each race. right now, she was headed to the second floor, to maki’s room.

usually, it would take only three knocks for maki to open the door. another set of three if you happened to come by while she was sleeping. this time, it was the latter. when the door opened, a barely squinting maki greeted her.

for at least three seconds, they were just looking at each other.

“what?” maki asked.

serena crossed her arms on her chest, her shoulders coming upright. “was that necessary?”

makenzie lane’s face had always been so expressive. one could tell if she was pleased or upset or disgusted with just a single move of a single muscle. and now, from the mere twitching of maki’s eyebrow, serena could tell that her wife was about to defend and deflect.

“you said to tell them anything,” maki said with an arrogant indifference. she even shrugged before walking back inside, leaving the door open for serena to come in, if that’s what she wanted.

serena did. the driver room is meager, not plenty of room to move around, not much time to take to get from one spot to another, and so by the time she was shutting the door behind her, maki was already sprawled out in her small bunk again.

“yes. but the kiss?”

“what, so you’d accept me telling everyone you’re pretty but not my kiss? that’s a little unfair for me, don’t you think?” maki shot her a challenging look, sleepiness seemingly already out of the picture.

“that’s not even what i mean.”

“then what do you mean?”

serena yanked the swivel chair from the mini desk, and sat facing her wife. she sighed before saying, “you know what.”

unable to answer, the racer tore her gaze off of serena, and proceeded to close her eyes. because, indeed, makenzie knew what – public displays of affection could only go as far as waist grabs and pretend flirty whispers in the ears. simple but telling body language. those are the grounds they both agreed on, grounds that serena was comfortable with. kisses were not supposed to happen. it was not part of the contract.

“we’re not supposed to kiss like that in front of people,” serena said aloud. it sent the hairs on her body upending from hearing all that from herself, from once again being reminded of what happened earlier, but if she did not address this now, makenzie might do it again. “that’s not part of the contract.”

“yes, but so is the not-kissing,” there’s more hint of defensiveness in maki’s voice now. she opened her eyes and sat upright, as though the few moments that she had them shut was just a way to collect courage. now, she could meet serena’s gaze again. “in short, rina, the contract says nothing about kissing at all . it is not not allowed.”

serena couldn’t respond as quickly as she hoped, her mouth remained a straight line. because one thing that makenzie was good at besides driving and racing was arguing. and although serena put up a fight every time they had these little heated exchanges, and she had her fair share of wins, she would be lying if she said it was easy.

makenzie had a point. the contract did not encompass these things. these were too trivial to be put in there so, really, there was a vague line here. and she hoped to god that makenzie didn’t have plans of bringing up an argument that would surely give her the upperhand: they had kissed before, many times, just not in public, but where there’s only the two of them. when they were so exhausted that they craved affection, but also too exhausted to fight the urge to give and take exactly that from each other. 

“ke maghalikan tayo o hindi, wala tayong maaapakang tao,” maki added. “unless…”

suddenly, the racer couldn’t find the words for what she wanted to convey. for the thought that was currently running through her head. but there was no need. quickly, serena understood. because another thing about kissing, something that wasn’t included in the contract and they never really discussed thoroughly was this: sometimes, when serena refused to kiss, it meant she had another… commitment… outside what they had.

this one, they had never explicitly talked about before, but it had already happened several times. serena dodging a kiss and the next day, she would tell her about a guy or a woman she met somewhere? makenzie lane was not stupid, she knew what it meant, and she probably knew this pattern all too well by now.

serena’s silence was enduring, and makenzie’s face softened. this emotion was concerned, with a little sliver of surprise.

“is she back, then?” maki asked.

“who?”

makenzie smiled her annoying, teasing smile. “do i really need to say her name?”

serena rolled her eyes. “hindi.”

“someone else? someone new?”

“maki, kulang pa nga bente kwatro oras ko sa isang araw para ilaan sa trabaho ko. what makes you think may time ako para kumilala ng mga kung sino-sino?”

“meeting new people is part of your job, pretty.”

“yes. meeting them professionally . i organize their events for them, they pay me for it, and then we part ways and never see each other again.”

“point taken,” maki surrendered, nodding. then she sighed. “well, then, what’s the problem? aside from my mouth probably tasting like gatorade and fuel?”

serena disentangled her left leg from the right, then pushed herself up on her feet. “took me aback, that’s all,” she said.

because of the room’s inadequate space, she now stood right in front of makenzie, whose red hair was still slightly damp from the shower she probably took right after walking out of the paddock club. for whatever reason, maki was just looking up at her, studying her face. this whatever reason seemed to come by every now and then, especially recently. there’s just a new interest in the way that maki looked at her these days. serena was afraid to ask what that all was about. makenzie would probably lie, say it’s nothing and serena’s just too conscious.

makenzie, playful and rowdy as she could be, would never be capable of telling serena right to her face that she pitied her, even more so now that her occupation and the overseas trips hindered her from taking care of her brother.

“ayaw mong nat’take aback?” asked maki. her tone was practically a cushion. so mellow and so… tender. as she wrapped her arms around serena’s waist, pulling her closer, her lips curled up into a smirk. “okay, magpapaalam na ako. seri, in about 5 seconds, i will kiss you again.”

serena merely rolled her eyes. she knew makenzie lane enough to also know that this was just her way of concealing that pity. by being annoying and provoking. she hit the woman’s arm lightly, fidgeting in the embrace.

“tigilan mo ako.”

“come on, flirt with your wife a little bit,” maki prodded. nakuha pang tumawa kahit magkasalubong na ang kilay ng asawa n’ya. “besides, you came here.”

“yes,” serena answered quickly, like a shield being conjured right away after maki shot her arrows. “to tell you to never do it again.”

“seri. i-” maki let out an exasperated sigh. “we’ve kissed before. just not in front of people.” there it was. the truth that had been running through serena’s head but wasn’t brave enough to admit.

maki’s arms were still around her, and all that this proximity did was intensify the heat that’s spreading across her face.

still, serena’s gaze at the red-haired driver remained unfaltering. and with a heavier undercurrent of graveness, she said, “i’m serious, maki.”

“okay,” said maki, her arms finally off of serena and now raised in the air. a gesture of accepted surrender. “won’t do it again. but you couldn’t have just told me this through text?” and there she was again with her playful grin. “you wanted to see me. just admit it.”

with that, serena had no plans of arguing. because it was true.

“it was a great race, maks. no matter what he thinks or says.” serena said. “you’re a great driver and racer.”

playfulness gradually left maki’s eyes. now, she’s looking at serena as though wondering what else was going through her head. the pause was necessary, serena knew that. it was not always that they uttered such grave words to each other. most of the time, they just talked business. when others were looking, they pretended to give each other sweet smiles and flirtatious gazes, but if a lip reader would try and read their mouths, they would know they’re really just talking about wanting to get away from the camera. certainly, it was maki just now who was taken aback, her lips left parted in a daze.

“and, he just left for jakarta. we won't have to see him for the next five days, though i'm not sure that guarantees him not bothering you through other means. but, oh well, enjoy your break, maks. that’s all,” serena concluded. she reached for the doorknob.

“wait,” maki voiced out, stirred onto her feet suddenly. “dinner? sagot ko.”

glancing at her wrist watch and seeing it was only almost 9 in the evening, serena nodded, then tilted her head to the door. “well, grab your jacket.”

as she stepped out of the room, a soft chuckle escaped her lips – the grin that spread across maki’s face was so wide, reminiscent of a child’s. the racer had these… endearing moments. it reminded serena of her younger brother. when they still stayed in the philippines, maki and louie spent so much time with each other their smiles and laughter began to look and sound the same. 

—

on the whole, maki was a great company. she’s playful, ever mischievous, but kind in her own way, the type to be the first to laugh at someone when they embarrassed themselves, but also the first one to give them a light, comforting pat on the shoulder. there’s a reason serena allowed her to stick around even before they found themselves in this set-up – why serena saw her as a friend, and trusted her enough to do what she was not accustomed to: accepting her help.

the walk to whatever restaurant maki mentioned earlier was quiet, and in serena’s head, the conversation they had years ago filled in the emptiness.

“hindi ko kailangan ng awa mo, maki.”

“well, i pity you, anyway,” said maki. she had always had this arrogant air to her, especially when she had those hands dug in her pockets, like she could care less about the world, because the world was there to serve her. always. “and i have something else for you that you might need. something helpful.”

serena let out a bitter laugh, tears almost brimming in her eyes. “what could possibly help me right now?”

letting out a sigh, maki’s face softened. “grab dinner with me. i’ll walk you through an arrangement.”

they walked side-by-side, albeit with a space that could have still fit another person between them. with makenzie, it had always been this way – proximity had always been handled with care, always been measured delicately. at least from serena’s perspective.

serena heaved a breath. singapore had always been a great place for a breather – both literally and figuratively. it was close to home, and felt almost like home. just a neater, more well-maintained version of it. kung nasa pilipinas sila, sa probinsya, pakinig na pakinig sana ang mga ingay na gawa ng mga kuliglig. instead, there were the noises of endlessly passing cars, vendors calling out here and there, muffled music from different open stores.

“how’s louie?” mackenzie asked. she had her hair in a low messy bun, and the jacket she grabbed was the one with the colors red and white and black all standing out so well. written in a proud red font was her team’s name: ferrari, emblazoned at the front. the sleeves were rolled up until her elbow, her hands deep in her pockets.

“she’s okay. feel ko lang sobrang buryo na s’ya, especially lately.”

“well, you haven’t had plenty of chances to be home with her.”

serena nodded. it’s true. her small business was beginning to grow, getting recognized not only in her country, but also in their neighboring nations. makenzie’s status and connections helped a lot. ultimately, it was she who helped serena pull all these clients from different parts of the world. for all of that, serena was grateful, but such a fortune did not come without its list of downsides, on top of which was the one makenzie had just pointed out.

“kaya pipilitin ko talagang makauwi bukas,” serena said.

“bukas? kaagad? that’s exhausting.”

that, too, was true. that was second on the list.

a pole was approaching, and maki caught it with her hand, taking a spin around it and stopping right in serena’s way. the latter was brought to an abrupt stop, their noses nearly touching.

“rest for a day, at least,” said maki.

isinaklob lang ni serena ang buong palad n’ya sa pagmumukha nito bago itinulak s’yang papalayo at umuna sa paglalakad. maki caught up easily, chuckling.

“ikaw na nga nagsabing hindi ako gaanong nakakasama nung kapatid ko ngayon e. doon na lang ako magpapahinga pagkauwi. upon arriving, i’ll have about 10 hours of break before my appointment, anyway.”

“wow, calculated na?”

serena gave a smug eyebrow raise and tilt of the head. “you know me.”

makenzie just laughed, then walked ahead before serena could pass by the restaurant. “is he feeling any better?” maki asked, holding the door open for her wife. 

the question made her heart sink. as serena stepped into the place, she willed herself to answer it, the hardest thing she had to do today. “his condition is worsening. lalo s’yang hirap sa pagkilos. he needs help now even with just getting himself a glass of water…” serena thought it best to stop there – she couldn’t afford to burst into tears in this place. 

whenever she’s away, she would ask her brother’s caregiver for updates, the things he did for the day, and changes, if there were any. but her brother dropping a glass of water was something she herself witnessed. twice. before leaving for the weekend. 

she had no idea either how those words slipped out of her mouth, how she had it in herself to tell maki about it, because she dreaded having to talk about it for some time now. because doing so was practically accepting it to be her new reality, and she was not ready for it. 

“seri…” maki’s voice this time was marked with a little more gentleness. marked with more care. they occupied the booth in the very corner, and as they sat face-to-face, she found herself – for the thousandth time – at the receiving end of maki’s concerned gaze. 

the only form of avoidance available for serena was to not catch this gaze. to not acknowledge nor hold it.

“sabi ko naman sa’yo, let’s bring him na sa states. he’ll be treated better there.”

“i tried to persuade him, maki,” serena kept her response short, pretending to be invested in the restaurant’s menu. 

“but?” maki’s further prompting, which was ignored. 

instead of answering, serena just swept the whole place with her gaze – red chairs everywhere, paired with black tables. the staff wore the same colors, and the nearly-orange lighting was set up to be cozy.

“but what, seri?”

an exasperated sigh left serena. this persistence was one of the reasons maki got to where she was right now – a well-known formula 1 racer. even people who weren’t into the sport knew she existed, because if they did not cheer for her driving, then they cheered for her charm and absolutely gorgeous profile. but there were still times when this persistence got on serena’s nerves, like right now. she snatched the menu from serena’s grip and gently grabbed her by the chin so that serena looked right at her.

“do answer, please.”

“he doesn’t want to,” serena said. “ayaw n’ya. the mere idea of it makes him bawl his eyes out.”

maki retracts her hand, finally, although she’s still leaning close, both her arms crossed upon the table. “then you explain that it’d be for the best.”

“he’s 10, maki. his idea of ‘best’ is sleepovers, and drawing silly doodles with his friends, or playing videogames with them,” serena argued. “kaya hindi ko maipilit. nandoon ang buhay n’ya. baka lalo lang lumala kapag inalis ko s’ya sa lugar na malakas ang support system n’ya.”

makenzie shrugged, the corners of her mouth tugged downwards, as if to say, “ fair point ”.

“still, seri, your idea of ‘best’ is what matters more. ikaw ang ate, e,” said maki, then she just browsed the menu herself.

all the while, serena just kept her regard on the red-haired woman. accepting in silence that maki was right. her lips tingled with the ghost of her wife’s kiss. startling and totally uncalled for, but serena couldn’t say she was so mad about it – she couldn’t say if she had the right to be.

three years ago, serena salvador studied in a mediocre university in exchange for living with her horrible aunt and uncle. her life revolved around her studies, part-time work, and household chores. worse, during school days, she had to leave her brother alone in that hell hole. if they hurt him, he never told her. tuwing uuwi siya ay may ngiti sa mukha ‘yung bata, at sa pagtagal ay hindi na rin naman nagtatanong si serena kahit may napapansin siyang mga pasa at gasgas sa katawa ng kapatid. louie did not like talking about it – “kapag kasama kita, ate, ayaw ko silang isipin.”

if her life was not easy now, it was even more unpredictable before meeting and marrying makenzie lane. this arrangement was not what she expected at all, not what she wished for, but she’s grateful for it. challenges still existed, but these days, there’s almost nothing money and extensive social connections couldn’t fix, and those were exactly what maki provided.

so the kiss, really, was nothing to be so mad about. she didn’t like it, and that’s exactly why she immediately talked to maki about it, but deep down, there’s a part of her that thought it was only fair; maki ought to benefit from this arrangement, too, somehow.

makenzie was still browsing the menu, her focus evident in her slightly furrowed eyebrows. “parang ang sarap mag-beer.”

ears perking up, serena instantly snatched the menu and rolled her eyes. “kamao ko rin, masarap. sige.”

sa tatlong taong kilala nila ni makenzie ang isa’t isa, tatlong taong pagtitiis sa mga pang-aasar at kakulitan nito, naging natural na lang kay serena ang maging suplada dito. naging ‘matic na lang din ang pagtawanan s’ya ng asawa n’ya tuwing nagsusuplada s’ya. right now, stealing a glance at the snickering maki in front of her, serena tried her best to keep her shallow annoyance on display, even though the truth is, sometimes, this maki was exactly what she needed.

—

back to the motorhome, maki insisted serena stayed a little more in her room.

“there’s enough room for two. we can watch a movie,” the red-haired woman said. 

serena’s brows met. “we don’t do that.”

they stood by the door, which was held ajar by maki’s hand on the knob. face-to-face, with maki being slightly shorter than her.

“doesn’t mean we never can.”

playfully, serena rolled her eyes. “maaga akong aalis bukas. and you,” she shoved maki into the room, the latter’s back producing a thud when it hit the door. “you get some sleep.”

“fine.” maki took a breath, then broke into a soft smile. “good night, seri.”

to that, a wave of a hand was serena’s mere response, then she took the steps to her room.

tomorrow would be hectic. almost 4-hour flight back to the philippines, and another 3 hours to spend in a car ride… the diabolical heat in the country felt like the cherry on top of her impending discomfort.

serena did not like leaving home. at first it was just the comfort that it provided, the safety of just being under a stable roof within four stable walls. when she’s home, she really left the world where it was: outside. but now, she liked leaving even less – her brother needed her, and here she was, often a thousand miles away.

to be fair, her job required her to be away, and the contract she signed required her to be away. both those things were necessary to keep everything afloat without depending on anyone else. since she became serena salvador-lane, with the exception of makenzie, it had only been herself and her brother, and sometimes it struck her how lonely this life was, when she sat by their kitchen counter alone, or in the morning, waking up in her bed with only the silence and the plain ceiling to greet her. but she had gone through enough things to accept that loneliness was, most of the time, the price to pay to have peace, which was something that used to exist only in her prayers.

the first thing she did upon entering her room was to switch the light on. the area was just as small as maki’s, if not smaller. it housed a bunk, a narrow cabinet that she never really made use of, and a desk. as she put her bag down on the desk, her other hand answered the ringing of her phone.

“louie? alas onse na, gising ka pa,” bungad n’ya sa kapatid.

despite the hour, her brother’s voice sounded the furthest from being sleepy. excited na excited pa ito. “ate, totoo ba, uuwi ka bukas?”

“yes.” serena smiled, lying down in the small bed. tomorrow, she would see her brother again, his grin, mess his soft hair, and pinch his thinning cheeks. “may gusto ka bang pasalubong?”

“hindi na. napanuod ko race ni ate maki. ang galing nya talaga! kasama mo ba sya pauwi?” the excitement in his voice escalated, and seri sighed, because while she was here smiling at the thought of seeing her brother, said brother was smiling at the thought of seeing her wife .

still, seri couldn’t say she was displeased, exactly. in fact, she wasn’t displeased at all. maki loved her brother just as much as he loved her. whenever in the philippines, makenzie would rather spend her time accompanying louie instead of going outdoors and visiting her favorite bars, which was the practice she’s used to before she entered serena’s life.

it was nice, really. maki’s presence lifted the loneliness in their lives in more ways than one.

“ay, hindi ko sya kasabay bukas… may mga aatupagin pa ‘yun bago umuwi e. pero uuwi ‘yun, gusto n’yang d’yan mag-bakasyon, kasama mo.”

“yehey!” he beamed, and she could imagine him throwing his fist in the air. not as hard as he would have been able to do it before, but he would still do it now. “miss ko na s’ya.”

“ako? ‘di mo miss?”

“miss! e, mas madalas kitang makita. si ate maki, mag-lilimang buwan nang hindi.”

“grabe ka sa akin,” serena feigned sulking, chuckles bubbling up her throat after. “she misses you, too. palagi ka n’yang kinakamusta sa akin. pero sure ka bang ayaw mo ng pasalubong? pagkain? or damit?”

“hindi na, ate. pagkauwi mo na lang, pag nandito na si ate maki. kain tayo ng jabi. kamo ate, may spicy chickenjoy na ulit dito.”

“at paano mo naman nalaman?”

“sinabi ni ate kate kanina habang nagtu-toothbrush kami.”

serena sighed. “magj-jollibee parin tayo kahit humingi ka ng ibang pasalubong, louie.”

hindi sila nanggaling sa yaman. in order to survive, both of them had to learn to be satisfied with as little as possible, even though there were occasions when they didn’t have to – saving as much as they could for the next day, that was always the goal. kahit ngayong hindi na nila gaanong problema ang pera, dala-dala parin niya ang nakasanayang ito. at dala-dala rin ni louie.

“wala naman akong gustong pagkain, ate. wala na akong gana lalo ngayon, e. tapos, aanhin ko naman ang mga damit? ‘di naman ako parating makalabas.”

lalong bumigat ang pakiramdam ni serena. he was right. he shouldn’t even be worrying about this thing – he’s 10, for pete’s sake – but he was right. oftentimes, serena wished she could shoulder at least half of these sufferings for her brother. kahit sana s’ya na lang ang mawalan ng ganang kumain, at s’ya na lang ang manghina araw-araw.

“anong mga ginawa mo ngayong araw?” she steered the subject. she couldn’t afford to be too emotional with her brother. she should be the least of his worries.

“nagkulay. ibinili ako ni ate kate ng bagong coloring books.”

“okay, ‘wag magpapalipas ng gutom. at huwag nang palaging sapilitan ang pagpapainom ng gamot.”

“e, ate,” he whined. “ampangit kasi sa pakiramdam nung gamot.”

“wala tayong magagawa, louie,” she said firmly. “you need it.”

“ay gabi na pala,” mabilis na sagot ni louie na nagpaikot ng mga mata ng ate n’ya. it’s the way he knew exactly when his sister was going to give him a speech, and also the way it’s probably maki who taught him how to dodge it. “sige na, ate, bye na.”

“ikaw talaga… okay, matulog na ha? ibigay na kay ate kate ang phone. i love you.”

“i love you, ate. ingat pauwi!”

he made an endearing smooching sound before dropping the call. and then there was silence again. there was just the ceiling again.

serena was alone again.

now makenzie’s movie suggestion seemed tempting.

—

mackenzie set an alarm for 6 in the morning. getting serena to eat breakfast was as hard as convincing a cat to take a bath, and maybe if she insisted on keeping her company for breakfast, serena would sit down for it, even just for 15 minutes, instead of facing the day with nothing but coffee in her tummy and a mint gum in her mouth. unfortunately for her, serena was already coming downstairs with her suitcase when she emerged from her room.

“serena,” makenzie called. she was aware of her hair being messy, and her mouth still tasting like sleep.

“hey,” serena greeted back, her eyes going from disinterest to startle for a brief second. she stopped at the first step, holding her suitcase by her side. “aga mo?”

maki just smiled as she walked towards her, getting to the same step as serena was. with one hand, she carefully grabbed hold of the suitcase from her wife, and led the way down. “breakfast tayo.”

the stairs would not take that long, considering that the motorhome was really just essentially a miniature of a hotel. serena followed right behind, and did not bother protesting about maki’s discreet taking of the suitcase.

“hindi na, magkakape na lang ako.”

“seri.”

“maki.”

how serena managed to catch up and even walk past her in such a short period of time was beyond makenzie, but here she was now, in front of the racer, forcing her to a stop. despite being on a lower step, serena was barely an inch shorter than her. her hand attempted to take the suitcase back, but succeeded only at moving it; maki wouldn’t let go.

“breakfast?” maki said, offering her a deal.

“makenzie, you know breakfast isn’t my thing.”

“but-”

“i’ll be okay. may dadaanan pa rin ako bago pumunta sa airport kaya kailangan ko nang umalis.”

makenzie puckered her lips, and a second after it, even she was silently surprised with herself. these sides of herself were ones that only serena could draw out. one could say she’s grown too soft when it came to her, and makenzie would merely agree.

“breakfast lang e, ‘di naman aabutin ng isang oras…” the corner of her mouth twitched in disapproval, but she let go of the case anyway. “pag natumba ka sa daan, walang sisihan.”

with an eye roll, serena took hold of the case again. “as if that’ll ever happen.”

she just watched as serena reached the last of the steps. as she made her way to the exit, and until she went out of sight. five seconds. she gave herself that long to dwell on whether or not she should have said the words that made her tongue itch: i’ll miss you.

“makenzie! makenzie, what are your plans until the next grand prix?”

“what has been your most challenging race so far this season?”

“makenzie, is it true you have plans of leaving ferrari?”

makenzie was swarmed with people as soon as she emerged to the more public space of the airport. most of them were journalists, equipped with cameras, microphones, recorders, and questions they probably had prepared since last month; people like them usually knew her schedule before she herself did.

regardless, maki only answered one:

“where is serena?” 

she stopped for that, and fixed her sunglasses in place on her nose. the journalist couldn’t see it, but she was looking directly at him. “my wife is busy with her professional duties – has been for a while now,” she said proudly before resuming on her walk.

the singaporean air was starting to really grow on her, and the extra couple of weeks she spent there were fairly satisfactory. still, no matter what, she would choose this day, when she would finally fly back to the philippines. trainings, presscons, and a few fan events – those were her life for the past days and, grateful as she was for all of it, makenzie lane was still human who she craved relaxation and rest. things she would find here, in the philippines. in her father’s homeland.

getting through that block of people was easy, what with all these bodyguards circling her. but the noise was something even their big ass bodies and defined muscles couldn’t drive away, and by the time they reached the parking lot, makenzie’s head was throbbing. she got inside the car, slumped into the passenger seat with a thud. she shut her eyes and really took in her first moments of peace.

“ma’am, deretso na po sa bahay?” manong driver asked.

makenzie nodded, still not coming out of the peaceful darkness she surrounded herself with. “no, manong. jollibee muna po.”

money and stability and power – these were things makenzie was privileged to have known since her first breath, things she never had to worry about. for whatever reason, the universe meant for her to be the only child of an only child, to never know her father and be shifted to her wealthy grandfather’s care when her mother died, and that happened before she could even take her first steps.

she only saw her mother in an old photograph, and her father… she had not one clue about his face. although, judging from the photographs, the only thing she got from her mother was her lips, as well as the shape of her smile. that meant everything else was from her father, right? her eyes, nose, her high cheekbones and the oval of her face? or, at least, that was what makenzie wanted to believe, something she never told her grandfather, because he wouldn’t like it.

often, people would feel bad for her about the fact that she never knew her parents, and often, too, she would tell them they shouldn’t, that she might have been curious about the feeling of having both parents present, but she never longed for it – never longed for them . and that would be the part where people did not know what to say, and where maki would lighten up the air with a chuckle, and where she would think, it’s hard to miss people you never knew . besides, save for not knowing any of her parents, everything else in her life had gone smoothly, all guaranteed by the status of her grandfather. he was a pretty successful businessman, and everything makenzie wanted and needed, he would make sure to provide. all for one condition that seemed really important to him: she was to explore the world of racing, and to conquer it.

since she was young, it was all that she knew. she learned about acceleration and braking and drifting before she learned about solid, liquid, and gas. and that was okay, because she enjoyed driving. often, people would ask her if she did not miss her life outside driving, and once more, she would just laugh, because once more, it’s hard to miss something she never had.

the absence of something was only sad for people who had experienced the presence of it, and so, maki never felt bad for herself. in her 25 years of living, she just let the people around her feel that way for her. but what maki did not know was this: one would start missing something they never had when the universe began to unnecessarily make up for it.

three years ago, she met serena in a museum. weeks after that, she also met serena’s brother, louie. and while serena was pretty, definitely maki’s type, both of them were unassuming as to how integral they would be in each other’s lives over the years. but maki was shown something she never had, and thus, never thought she wanted: the warmth that bound families together. the longing started, then. questions popped up, but the biggest of them all was, “ if mom and dad were here, would i have had something like this all this time?” because in the world that she had known, tender hugs and kisses weren’t a thing, instead there was a pat on the shoulder, which was just a silent, “you will do well, you have no other choice but.” in her world, laughter was not as hearty as the ones that the salvador siblings shared, and she had never seen anyone cry either when she fell sick, like she saw serena shed tears when she saw her brother suffer from a severe flu.

warmth and vulnerability and love — these were things makenzie later found she knew very little of, things she was still familiarizing herself with in the present with the help of serena and louie, even though they didn’t realize. she learned that not all smiles hid behind them bad or selfish intentions, and that people could invite you into their space simply because they loved to have you there. even though louie had to be bribed with his favorite fastfood at first, he had grown to love maki, too, and was the happiest when they told him she and serena were getting married.

bringing jollibee home was not just to have something to give louie; at this point, it was already their little tradition. it had come to the point where, to louie, the whiff of it would mean that ate maki was home.

makenzie tried to open the house’s main door as quietly as she could. once in, she also tried to shut it without making so much noise. kate, louie’s caregiver, was in the kitchen, eyes widening a little upon seeing her. immediately, makenzie pressed her pointing finger against her lips, walking past the area and straight to the living room, where there was nothing but the sound of the cartoons playing on the television, and louie reclining on the couch. jollibee’s scent was unique, it was its own trademark, and it wouldn’t take long now before louie got a whiff of it.

he gave a thrilled gasp, and when he whipped her head in maki’s direction, he’s wearing a wide smile on his face. “ate maki!”

when he was still in the early stages of his sickness, he was also still able to get up as fast as he could, run to makenzie, and envelope her in his hug. now, there were far too many limitations for that – his increasingly deteriorating physical capacity, for one. so this time, it was maki who ran to him, and gave him a tight hug. next to the couch where he’s resting, the wheelchair stood, as if a guard that was on standby in case he was needed. maki’s face dropped a little, looking at it, because was it this bad already? he needed it so much that it had to be within reach at all times?

“namiss kita. ngayon ka na lang ulit umuwi!” he whined as she made her way around the couch, so she could sit next to him. when she did, she immediately rested her feet upon the coffee table at the center, something that would have had serena started about the importance of manners inside one’s home.

“back-to-back races kasi, champ,” maki messed up the boy’s hair. the bucket of chickenjoy sat between them. she took the lid off, and gave louie his favorite part: the leg. “pero kaya nga sinagad ko na ang training ko nitong nakaraang linggo, para makauwi ako ngayon.”

“wala ba kayong bakasyon na mahaba? ‘yung parang sa school?”

makenzie chuckled. “i’m afraid that’s barely a thing for us anymore.” she took a piece of fried chicken for herself. “sa’n ang ate?” she asked.

serena wasn’t home. if she was, she would have been glued to her brother’s side. and it wasn’t as if their relationship was on the level where they let each other know every little detail about their day. no. serena would contact her only when she was flying to see maki, or if something important came up, and she couldn’t stick to that plan. even things about louie, she did not often share with maki. saka lang ito nagsasabi kapag tungkol sa mga check-up o updates sa kondisyon ng kapatid, dahil tinutulungan s’ya ni maki sa mga gastusin na ukol doon.

“may event s’ya ngayon, e. pero feeling ko may dala din ‘yun na jollibee pag-uwi.”

“ay? teka, sasabihin ko meron na,” maki said, feeling her back pocket now for her phone, but gently, louie put a hand on her arm to stop her.

“hayaan mo na. diba nga, sabi mo, the more, the merrier?” said louie, at nagtaas-baba pa talaga ito ng kilay.

natawa na lang si maki, napapailing, dahil kailan n’ya naman sinabi ‘yun? did she even actually say that? but then again, she and louie had shared far too many conversations now for her to remember, and she probably had taught the boy one too many mischiefs, too.

“kaya iniisip ng ate mo na kalokohan lang tinuturo ko sa’yo e.”

louie didn’t answer. he’s far too occupied with his food now, and maki was just watching. she could try to suppress the smile on her face, but it would be to no avail. perhaps, serena had thought this setup unfair for her – knowing her, she definitely had thought this. in serena’s eyes, financial stability was everything, and for maki to be able to provide that for her… she probably thought nothing she could give would have come close to repaying that. but in maki’s eyes, “everything” was family, the feeling of being wanted just because she was loved. in maki’s eyes, no amount of money could have bought what she had now.

makenzie just watched whatever was on the tv with louie. sometimes, the boy would talk about his cartoons, or just a random subject like the tulips he had to draw for his arts subject when he was still attending school. makenzie desperately tried to stay away through all of that, even asked kate to bring her a cup of coffee to keep her eyes open. in the end, exhaustion and the minor headache won, pulling her to sleep, the cup of coffee left cold and untouched on the coffee table.

serena came home at about 7 in the evening, and louie had been right: she did bring home jollibee. nasa kusina pa lang ito nang gisingin s’ya ni louie.

“ate, nand’yan na si ate rina,” he whispered, nudging the older’s shoulder until she stirred and opened her eyes. “kailangan natin magligpit, magagalit ‘yun pag nakitang ganito…”

looking around and seeing the crumbs from the food they ate, the open cup of gravy on the table, and the bucket of chicken carelessly left without its lid on, and on the couch no less… maki thought louie was underestimating his sister. “magagalit”? hell, serena would scowl for days and they would not hear the end of it if she saw this.

just like that, sleepiness left maki’s system, and she got to work, manually and quickly picking the crumbs to put them away in the brown pouch, then she popped the gravy into the bucket, and neatly sealed it all with its lid. she finished just in time, as serena made her way into the living room.

“louie, may jollibee dun. kumain ka na, ha?” were the first words she said. meanwhile, makenzie got on her feet to meet serena.  the tall woman did not bother to pretend she was surprised. instead, she flashed a small smile, and when maki leaned in for a side hug, she did not dodge – it was important that in front of louie, their little relationship looked as real as they could make it. “hey, you’re home,” greeted serena.

so short and so simple, and yet the warmth it stroked upon maki’s heart was inexplicable. yes, she was home. she was here, in the place that she bought specifically for the three of them; there was no way she would let serena and louie remain with their relatives after their marriage, and the house was also something for maki to come to when she’s in the country. a reminder that she belonged here, too, even though she grew up somewhere else. a seed she planted for herself to root her to the single place where she didn’t have to worry about races and engines and a grandfather with ever increasing expectations – a symbol of rest and constancy in her tremendously frisky and kinetic world. indeed, she was home.

“anong oras ka nakarating?” serena added. they strode to the long couch together, with maki’s hand on serena’s back.

“kanina pa, mga after lunch.”

“kumain ka na?”

“actually…”

there was an awkward pause as makenzie waited for serena to notice the red bucket still sitting atop the coffee table. on the couch, louie was visibly trying to suppress his laughter.

“jesus christ,” her wife muttered, finally seeing it. she scratched her forehead, but couldn’t help smiling either. “sinadya n’yo sigurong hindi sabihin sa’kin na may jabi na dito.” she pointed at her brother, then at maki, then back to her brother again. “at ikaw ang pasimuno, pustahan.”

hindi na nakasagot pa si louie, dahil bigla na lang s’yang kiniliti ng ate n’ya. the living room brimmed with hearty laughter shared by the salvadors, habang si maki ay pinapanuod lamang sila, hands on her hips as she revels in this moment.

she would love to have this forever – to make it as real as it felt right now.

the night got deep. louie was asleep, and kate had gone home. from the living room, the mellow sound of justin bieber’s “heartbreaker” played, wafting through the air, reaching makenzie and serena in the kitchen, which was the only area with a light on.

“it’s alright, seri, get yourself a glass of wine,” makenzie spoke, watching serena hesitate in front of the open fridge. “i can handle it,” she assured her.

nagsalubong ang mga kilay ng asawa n’ya. in the end, serena just grabbed the carton of milk, and shut the fridge. “no, magtigil ka d’yan.”

“it’ll help you sleep.” makenzie gave a subtle shrug.

serena’s back was to her, but makenzie could hear the silky sound of the milk being poured into the glass. “i think i’m already tired enough to not need wine.” 

“come on,” maki said underneath a chuckle. “let’s not kid ourselves – you would stay up all night just thinking kahit pagod ka.”

“i’ll sleep just fine, don’t worry.”

serena opened the fridge again, and put the carton of milk back inside. from the sink, she walked to the other end of the counter, where maki had herself a good seat, and handed her the glass. maki accepted with one hand, the other gripping serena’s wrist gently before she could completely turn away. 

she pulled her close. serena did not protest. she pulled her closer. serena merely said, “pagod ako, maki,” which was more a precaution than a rejection – “pagod ako, maki, i don’t have the energy to resist whatever you’re trying to do .”

mentally, maki scoffed. because as if that would be so bad.

still, maki pulled even her closer, until serena was standing right between her knees. in serena’s eyes, maki tried to look for any signs that she did not want this closeness. in her lips, she tried to discern a disproving twitch, or a displeased thin line.

nothing. 

really, there was just curiosity, and a hint of nervousness. not for the first time, they were trekking the grey area of their arrangement. to maki, this was exhilarating. to serena, this was nerve-wracking – any sort of instability was.

“rest, then,” said maki, serena’s hand in hers. soon, she kissed the back of it, her eyes never leaving the tall woman’s face. “rest on me.”

serena’s palm bore the chilly remnants of having handled a carton of cold milk when it touched makenzie’s cheek, but to the latter’s heart, this touch brought nothing but warmth. what’s more, serena was totally, absolutely reciprocating her gaze. the wanting slowly emerging, fighting through serena’s weakened walls.

not for the first time, makenzie was feeling those powerful spikes within her chest, rapidly going, each time a whole lot more powerful than before. this feeling as though the moment couldn’t be any more perfect, and she couldn’t be any more certain – the moment to tell serena, right to her face, that all this time, her feelings hadn’t been just for show.

“okay,” serena muttered, a soft surrender to maki’s persuasion, to her own wanting for being held and looked at with nothing but affection–

it was serena who leaned down and in for the kiss. and it was then that maki confirmed that her wife indeed was tired.

she held her by her lower back, careful not to press too hard, even though every atom in her body was compelled to do exactly that. serena rarely ever initiated a kiss, and whenever she did, the softness of it was, to maki’s perception, driven by an unconscious restraint, bridled with deep hesitations; she wouldn’t latch too hard, so pulling away wouldn’t be difficult once it clicked that she shouldn’t be doing this. with or without another commitment, what makenzie and serena had was all for and bound by a contract. they had boundaries that serena would always be one to stick to, and honest intimacy, in serena’s eyes, were encompassed by these boundaries.

but what was serena if not just another human being? prone to vulnerability, especially after a long day.

none of it mattered. to makenzie, it mattered not that this kiss was merely motivated by her wife’s exhaustion. it mattered not that serena would never soundly and willingly choose to feel makenzie lane’s lips against hers. to makenzie, what mattered was regardless of it all, at the the very least, she got to kiss her. she got to know how serena’s initiation felt. so she kissed back, although every move of her head was measured, every press further was done with very meticulous care. it hadn’t ceased to be difficult, finding the middle between encouraging serena and pushing too much to the point of scaring her away.

serena broke the kiss, but not the touch of her palm beneath maki’s cheek. there was a pause, and in that pause, the words almost jumped off the tip of maki’s tongue: i love you .

almost.

“seri.”

“hm?”

“wala talaga?”

“what’s that?”

“wala ka talagang… pinupursue ngayon? or pumu-pursue sa’yo?”

the song playing in the living room stopped being drowned out by the intensity of maki’s internal uproar. their voices are far more hushed now, as there was this lurking fear of rendering the preciousness of this moment askew by speaking too loud. 

“wala. bakit ba ayaw mong maniwala?” serena asked with furrowed eyebrows.

“hindi sa ayaw kong maniwala. just making sure.”

the brunette sighed. she still had not broken away from their closeness, and did not seem to have any plans to. makenzie was hyperaware of how serena’s fingers pressed even harder against her shoulders, and how serena drew her closer.

“maki, wala akong oras para sa ganyan ngayon. priority ko ‘yung trabaho ko.”

“hm…” makenzie hummed, nodding. for a while, she looked away. should she ask the question that had been bugging her for so long now? and, this time, should she mention her name? 

it was a subject of so much significance and sensitivity. the woman was serena’s first real love, and thus, making her also the first woman who made makenzie feel how much torment real jealousy could put one through. honestly, makenzie wished she did not overthink this – she found no good reason why she even was overthinking this. the woman was last heard of almost a year ago, and while her presence in serena’s life was never consistent, the absence never lasted this long. so, perhaps, this time, the absence was for good, and all cielo was now was a worn out photograph, meant to be tucked into a forgotten chest. perhaps, it really had been just makenzie and serena and louie for a while now, and thinking about this was nothing but an unproductive waste of time and just utterly destructive.

but...

wanna know what’s even more destructive? makenzie’s mind sounded. not knowing the answer.

clearing her throat was a pitiful excuse for carving just one more second to muster up courage. to postpone what should have been asked a long time ago– “and cielo?”

maki expected a change in the atmosphere, an extra dose of solemnity. she expected sadness and instant retrospection obvious in serena’s response, and maybe this expectation was exactly why she was afraid to ask – all of these would have meant one thing: serena still cared, and deeply. instead, however, serena just let out a slightly resentful scoff.

“pft. cielo? swerte ko na kung makakuha ako ng tuldok man lang galing sa kanya. wala na ‘yun, at wala akong balak alamin kung nasan s’ya,” serena said. and the change in the atmosphere was marked only by her slight irritation. no sadness. no solemnity.

“ano bang nangyari kasi?”

“ewan ko dun, bigla na lang hindi sumasagot,” she answered matter-of-factly. “ayos lang, sanay naman na ako sa kanya. i guess i just…”

“you just what?”

“i didn’t expect na papanindigan n’ya talaga this time na…”

“...na wala na?”

tumango ang asawa n’ya, at doon nakita ni makenzie ang lungkot na hinanap n’ya kanina sa mga mata nito. parang napakinig n’ya pa ang pagkabasag ng sariling puso n’ya, at dahil sa dalawang rason: one, no matter what she wanted to believe, and how hard serena tried to fool herself, the truth was, serena cared still about cielo. and two, serena’s sadness was her sadness, and serena’s sadness brought by cielo velarde was her ire. 

“serena…” maki tried to find the words to say, the right ones. but she just couldn’t. she just hated it.

she hated everything that had to do with cielo, and for this, she couldn’t really blame herself. sure, the woman had been the subject of her jealousy, but more than that, she abhorred her for sending serena home alone and crying countless times.

gently, she stroked serena’s face. in her brown tank top, with her hair up in a bun, and her face stripped of makeup, serena looked magnificent. even maki herself could feel how thickly laced with affection her gaze at her right now was. 

“don’t feel sorry for me,” serena started, which made makenzie scowl a bit. why did she always take her love for pity? “that’s the worst thing you can-”

makenzie didn’t let her finish, and instead pulled her in for a kiss again. and kisses initiated by her were more aggressive, marked with more intensity and certainty. while it was not something she declared to the world at the top of her lungs, she had no plans of making it a secret either that her feelings for serena, the yearning gazes and loving touches, were all real. she loved and wanted and needed her, even before the contract – even without the contract she would want and need her.

with me, you will never have doubts , was always what her kisses said. a promise. a challenge and, in one breath, a petition for serena to give her and what they had an actual chance. she just wasn’t sure if serena always understood it this way – if she ever even did.

regardless, makenzie would take care of serena and of all the things and people that she cared about. she would love her. burn for her if she had to. and if serena wanted to burn for the things she loved, makenzie would willingly shoulder that duty, too. this had always been her promise, and it had always been a silent one, because she never knew when serena would be ready to hear it.

but serena did not have to hear them for makenzie to keep her silent words. hell, she would make a thousand more silent promises by serena’s name, and tirelessly work in silence, too, to keep them. and tonight, she made one more: now, with cielo out of the picture, she would do her best to earn serena’s trust and love, and make everything between them as real as she had always wished it was. 

this time, when serena pulled away, she also gave a gentle push that separated their bodies. strangely enough, it was then, when serena’s mouth and body were no longer weighing on her, that makenzie found it hard to breathe.

“what do you say, we go to the museum where we first met?” maki suggested. finally, her glass of milk had her attention again.

“kailan naman?”

“kung kailan ka free.”

“maki…” serena’s disapproval was already evident in her tone. “shouldn’t you be spending time with your friends? magpunta kayo kung saan-saan. you’ve always wanted to go to la union, ‘di ba?”

makenzie grunted. “oh, serena, please. let that go.”

“i’m just saying. explore, maks. hindi ‘yung minsan ka na nga lang pumunta dito, doon ka pa bumabalik sa mga napuntahan mo na.”

“i’m here to rest, rina, not to ‘explore’. familiar places are exactly what i need. so… please?” with one last sliver of hope, maki took serena’s hand and squeezed it gently.

it seemed to work; serena’s face softened, and finally, she nodded. “fine. i’ll let you know kung kailan ako pwede.” she placed her free hand over maki’s, sparing her the same gentleness that maki offered. after a beat, however, she used this very hand to guide maki’s back onto her lap. “enjoy your milk. aakyat na ako,” she said. she did begin her walk to the stairs.

the night ended on a positive note, and makenzie couldn’t help but feel a little more playful. “good night kiss?” hirit nito.

“kota ka na.”

“e, last one!”

serena didn’t even bother looking back, but she shook her head, and she was laughing when she said, “good night, maki.”

—

3 weeks. makenzie had this long to spend with the dearest people in her heart in the dearest place she’d ever known. she already knew she would be spending the majority of it at home, with louie, watching over him and keeping him company and entertained especially when her sister was working.

“maki, i’m not letting you spend your whole break cooped up in here,” serena said one day, putting on silver dangling earrings. before this, she was visibly surprised to see makenzie already awake at 7 in the morning. already in the kitchen, making breakfast for three.

“seri,” makenzie said her name in the same exasperated tone, just to tease. “i am cooking for my wife and her brother. this is exactly what i want.”

“ang sa’kin, do something else. makipagkita ka sa friends mo.”

curious, makenzie put down the spatula and looked right at her wife. “suklam na suklam ka ba sa pagkatao ko kaya lagi mo akong pinapaalis? nung isang araw ka pa. why exactly are you so hell-bent on making me meet them?”

with an eye roll, serena answered, “ayoko lang may mami-miss ka pagbalik mo sa race. believe me, once you’re back there, you’ll think you should’ve spent your break wiser.”

“alright,” makenzie turned the stove off, and went over to meet serena by the counter. “if i do that, will you finally, finally stop going on about it?” her hands met serena’s hips, a gesture that wasn’t supposed to feel so natural, but it did anyway.

serena did not answer in an instant. she was just looking back at maki, perhaps wondering at their closeness, and why she was letting it last for this long. makenzie wanted to believe she knew the answer: because serena wanted it, too.

“yes,” serena said, finally.

and then there was an astounded, silent beat again. truthfully, makenzie was not one for physical closeness either. the most she would do was a fist bump, or a pat on the shoulder. but serena was a magnet designed specifically for the atoms that made up makenzie’s being. in all ways, she was made to be drawn to her – her hands to serena’s waist, her eyes to serena’s face.

“okay,” said makenzie quietly. “i will do it.”

and so makenzie did it. she met with the friends she made when she was furiously sent to the philippines to “reflect”. she wouldn’t say they’re “high profile”, but they definitely were just like her – used to glamorous things. they weren’t so much for simplicity. maki would go so far as to say they’re serena’s opposite, but she cherished their company. noong pinauwi s’ya sa pilipinas, naging sandalan n’ya rin ang mga ito. they kept her anchored, made sure she didn’t go too far or restricted herself too much. sa lahat ng mga ito, pinakamalapit s’ya kay alani, isang aspiring director at screenwriter.

“sigurado ka bang ayaw mo pang umuwi?” makenzie asked. the restaurant now had only a number of customers. in about 45 minutes, magc-close na ito. nakaalis na rin ang iba pa nilang mga kasama.

alani fixed her backwards cap on her head, a habit of hers that makenzie had noticed since their first time meeting. “oo! i haven’t seen you in so long, maki. hindi sapat ang isang oras na dinner para mag-catch up.”

natawa si makenzie. she poured her glass another round of red iced tea. sa harap naman niya ay inuunti-unting ubusin ni alani ang natitirang steak sa plato n’ya. “wala naman gaanong nangyayari sa’kin. puro race lang, which you can definitely watch kung gusto mo.”

“not the race life, the married life, maki,” she said with an enthusiastic urgency, her chin resting on her clasped hands while her slightly wide eyes were practically gobbling makenzie alive in her seat.

makenzie smiled. it was inevitable – her lips knew when to tug themselves upward, and that’s when anything about serena was mentioned.

“it’s… alright. especially lately,” makenzie said, aware of how her gaze was probably seeming more distant now. “things have never been better.”

kumunot si alani. “what, that’s it?”

“yeah… that’s it.” makenzie nodded hesitantly – what else was there to say? would alani understand if she said things had never been better because her wife seemed to reciprocate her affection now? that would sound strange, wouldn’t it? and it would prompt more questions.

although, she understood alani’s confusion. most married people who claimed to be happy couldn’t have possibly shut their mouth about the marriage and their partner so quickly. but what makenzie and serena had was not a normal marriage, and they both made a promise to keep it between them and a few chosen people – they had to, or lolo wouldn’t be pleased.

inirapan lamang s’ya ni alani nang pabiro. siguro, inisip nitong ayaw lang ni makenzie na pag-usapan gaano ang buhay na pinapanatili n’yang pribado, kaya iniba na lang rin ni alani ang takbo ng usapan.

“ikaw ba, how’s your screenwriting going so far?” makenzie asked later on. 

“going great! i’ve written for local shows, saka ibang films din. it’s getting kinda predictable na, though. i’ve been thinking it must be time to explore opportunities sa ibang bansa.”

they must have stayed there for half an hour more. when it was time, alani left in her car, and makenzie was approaching her motorbike, when she noticed a familiar underbone cycle parked two spaces from hers. its accent color was a green that reminded her of aston martin – a green that reminded her of someone. instinctually, with the absence of reason, she turned on her heel and observed the inside of the restaurant through the transparent walls. there were even fewer people inside now, but her eyes were still careful not to miss a single table. wala naman. but just to be sure, she swept the whole area with her gaze once more in a much slower manner, her throat and chest tightening as she made a hard swallow – nawala ang lahat ng ito nang napatanuyan n’yang wala naman nga pala talaga.

makenzie let out a breath, the beating of her heart still rapid, but at least she could feel it now that the numbness had gone away.

bakit ba s’ya kabang-kaba? sa lawak ng pilipinas, siguradong hindi lang naman si cielo velarde ang may ganitong motor.

—

“seri, wala nga akong gagawin ngayong araw.”

“malamang wala kang gagawin, break mo nga ‘di ba.”

just another tuesday at the salvador-lane household. makenzie marching behind serena who could never seem to finish prepping without moving around the house. heto na naman sila sa mga pilitan – this time, it’s maki na nagpupumilit sumama sa handled event ni serena ngayong araw, at serena na nagpupumilit na magpahinga s’ya.

“hindi mo na nga ako pinayagang sumama kay louie sa doctor n’ya,” maki insisted further. this finally got serena to stop in her tracks and face her.

“hindi ako pumayag kasi pwede namang si kate na at dapat nagpapahinga ka. tapos sasama ka naman sa’kin sa trabaho ko? edi sana kay louie na lang kita pinayagan.”

“exactly!” maki exclaimed with so much passion she even threw her hands in the air. “hindi mo ako mapapapirmi dito sa bahay. ano, ako lang mag-isa? ang lungkot-lungkot.”

“edi lumabas ka ulit kasama mga kaibigan mo!”

makenzie sighed, exhausted from having this kind of conversation with her wife. “kung ayaw mo akong isama, sabihin mo lang.”

“maki, that’s literally what i’ve been saying all this time.”

sensing that maki, for once, was struggling to find the words to argue back, serena went on walking again, taking the stairs, probably to go back to her room and fetch something she had forgotten to fetch the first time. and all the red-haired could do was watch. serena could be the softest and roughest woman at once, and while it always intrigued maki how that was, she was more than okay with never knowing the answer. because that meant spending her whole life trying, which she wouldn’t mind doing. no one’s in a rush.

firm but gentle knocks on the door slit through her thoughts. makenzie blinked, brought back from the depths of her own head. the knocks came again, and only then was makenzie pushed into action.

“just a sec,” she said loud enough for the visitor to hear. 

who could this be? as far as maki knew, they weren’t expecting anyone, unless… did kate and louie return early from the hospital?

serena had not come back out from her room, but louie would be delighted to see his sister before she had to go and be gone for the whole day. with how busy her day was definitely going to be, she probably would not be free to go home until late.

maki opened the door as soon as it was within reach, putting on a wide smile and preparing to bring louie the good news: your sister’s still up there. but not even a split second after seeing who was behind those knocks, her smile dropped. of course, it was impossible it was louie, it had only been 30 minutes since they left, and even if their appointment had gone quickly, the ride back home would have taken them another 30.

no, this wasn’t louie. this person was someone she wished desperately would never show up again, but never expected she would have to ever again face. pointed noise, perpetually daring eyes – this was cielo velarde.

“hey,” she said. napakamot ito sa kanyang ulo na parang hindi n’ya rin inaasahan na si makenzie ang magbubukas ng pinto. “maki.”

“cielo,” maki pronounced her name unsentimentally. she nodded as a greeting, but not without the clenching of her jaws. the air held nothing but sincere indifference, and if cielo was smart, she would receive the message that she was unwelcomed. worse, maki couldn’t say it made her feel bad.

to say that she and cielo knew each other would sound too much, so she would say she and cielo knew of each other. they were aware of each other’s existence in serena’s life, aware of the marriage situation, because when serena was told she was allowed to let just one person know about the truth, without hesitations, she chose cielo. she knew their house’s address, she knew about louie’s condition – she knew everything , because before maki could sweep into serena’s life, there already was cielo.

there had always been cielo, and now, having her right before her sight, makenzie was given a taste again of how difficult it was to swallow that truth.

“uh,” cielo cleared her throat. “nand’yan ba si serena?”

makenzie refused to answer. instead, she took a couple more moments scrutinizing the woman before her. cielo velarde dressed the same: in a simple hoodie and somewhat baggy jeans, but there was something new about her. did she just recently learn to put colors on her face? and the way she stood. she’s prouder. and she didn’t look so… withheld anymore, like she would explode upon a single wrong poke. the thin line of her lips communicated calm instead of pressed down anger.

cielo seemed to have changed, and for the better. and with all of this laid out in front of maki, her mind arrived at a single conclusion: serena must not see her, and see these positive changes, for reasons even maki was too ashamed to admit to herself.

“no, she left for work an hour ago.”

she lied. she was selfish and she didn’t even feel bad and all she could think of right now was to send cielo away before serena came downstairs.

“i see. pasabi na lang na dumaan ako.”

cielo’s gaze drilled through her, as though inspecting her entire existence, looking for anything wrong. a sign of lying, of guilt. but maki held this gaze, and even nodded.

she was about to shut the door again, when cielo shoved her hand against it, and added with a deeper conviction: “at dadaan ulit ako, maki. salamat.”

it was made to sound like a simple courtesy, a polite reminder. hell, cielo had the audacity to smile, which only made makenzie’s head throb with resentment, because she knew better. this wasn’t just a reminder, it was a warning. a threat. an unwanted suggestion that she hadn’t let go of what little place she still held in serena’s life, and had every intention of reclaiming it whole.

cielo left, and the further away she came, the easier it was for makenzie to breathe. her heart thumped fast, hammering loudly against her chest as her lungs made up for the lack of air she didn’t even realize she was experiencing. behind her, the sound of serena’s heels down the stairs colored her dread even darker.

seconds. they were literally seconds apart. roughly three. they would have seen each other, and makenzie would have had to watch hope and affection be rekindled in their eyes. she would have had to watch them hug, and see that serena was still in love with her.

“oh, who was that?” serena asked, seeing maki by the door. 

her entire system still panic-stricken, makenzie tried her best to meet her wife halfway. “wala,” she said. “delivery guy, wrong address.” how her voice was not shaking, makenzie had no idea, but she was grateful she at least could keep her calm on the surface.

she put both hands on serena’s bare shoulders. the woman was wearing a black off-shoulder top, and she looked beautiful. serena had always shone the brightest in black. a star tirelessly burning in the chasm of the universe, giving it life. once, maki was this chasm. and now, she wondered if cielo ever was that chasm, too.

“please, let me come with you to work. promise, hindi ako manggugulo. i’ll just watch you do your thing,” she pleaded gently, and she saw the shift in serena’s eyes. saw how it was affected by a touch of softness.

“okay. 15 minutes, go prep.”

makenzie broke into a smile. not only had she been allowed to come, but it was also very evident how serena was becoming softer and softer with her everyday.

she couldn’t lose this steady pace – she couldn’t lose serena. and if cielo really had every plan of reclaiming her place, makenzie, for the first time ever, would now put up a fight to keep the one she worked so hard all this time to earn. no more passively sitting on the side. no more pretending that she was fine with something that had always torn her heart apart.

before going and taking the 15 minutes serena had allowed for her to prepare, makenzie pressed a kiss to serena’s forehead – one that, to serena, probably felt so out of the blue, but to maki, was just one of the things she had been wishing she could do more often. one of the things serena would soon get used to, because maki, this time, would do more often, all of the rules be damned.