Chapter 4
Chapter 4
They were back on the Resolute, heading toward Coruscant. The journey would take about two days. Earlier, Anakin and Ahsoka had reported the success of their mission to the Jedi Council. Success… Ahsoka refused to call it that. Not when clones had lost their lives because of her actions. Because she had acted before thinking. Because maybe… she was still just a foolish child.
Neither Anakin nor Rex had explicitly voiced their disappointment, but Ahsoka could see it in the way they carried themselves. Anakin hadn’t spoken to her about what had happened to her squad. After the report, he had simply told her to rest.
I’ll trust you.
Those words echoed in her head, relentless and unforgiving. He trusted her, and she got them killed. Not Rex, Tup, or Jesse, but all the others—Sharp, Perk, and the ones whose names she never even learned. Every time she passed the surviving clones, she couldn’t meet their eyes. She had killed their brothers.
Ahsoka sighed, hoping sleep might provide an escape. Meditation had failed her; her mind just wouldn’t stop racing. She pulled the plain white cover over herself and lay down on the mattress. But as soon as she closed her eyes, the images flooded her mind. The Solider falling, dying, his screams fading into the void. Then the visions morphed—first, Rex, then Anakin, being dragged down by the weight of the spiders. The light in their eyes dimmed as Anakin rasped, “I trusted you…”
Ahsoka shot up in bed, her breath ragged. So much for sleep. She wiped her tear-streaked face with the edge of her blanket. The walls of her quarters suddenly felt too tight, too cold alone. She slipped into her boots and stepped out into the dimly lit corridors of the ship.
Aimlessly, she wandered around until she passed the clone quarters. From inside, she heard hushed voices. She stopped and listened.
It was Rex.
“Sharp udes o’r naak,” he said solemnly.
Other voices echoed in response, “Udes o’r naak.”
Though Ahsoka didn’t understand the words, the sorrow in their tone pierced her heart. Tears welled up again. She had brought grief to the only people who had made her finally feel like she belonged somewhere.
Blinded by tears, she stumbled through the ship, eventually sinking to the floor beside a stack of crates. She hugged her knees to her chest, her limbs trembling. Maybe she should ask Anakin to send her back to the Temple. Maybe she wasn’t ready to be a Padawan. Maybe… she should quit entirely.
She didn’t know how long she sat there, crying, when a warm hand rested gently on her shoulder. Ahsoka looked up, her red, swollen eyes meeting Rex’s. His expression was filled with understanding, far kinder than she felt she deserved.
“Soka?” he asked softly.
Ahsoka broke down again, sobbing uncontrollably. “I’m so sorry, Rex,” she choked out. “They didn’t deserve it. It’s my fault. I… I…”
Words failed her. An apology felt so empty. Nothing would be enough. Because nothing could undo the damage she’d done.
“It’s alright,” Rex soothed, pulling her into a gentle embrace. Her head rested against his chest, and his arms wrapped protectively around her. One hand rested between her montrals, grounding her. Ahsoka let go of everything she had been holding back. Her tears soaked into Rex’s black shirt as her body shook with anguish.
Slowly, her sobs subsided. She lifted her head, trying to find words, but none came. Rex spoke first.
“I know how it feels.”
Ahsoka’s voice trembled with anger and self-loathing. “Really? Did men die because you rushed in without thinking? Men who trusted you?”
Rex didn’t flinch at her tone. “Yes. More times than you can imagine. No one gets everything right on their first command. It takes years. Experience. Please, don’t forget how young you are.”
“Too young,” Ahsoka muttered bitterly.
Rex sighed. “No one is ever old enough for war. But remember this: without you, we’d all be dead, and the Republic would be facing far worse. Was your decision perfect? I don’t know. We can never know what might have happened if you’d chosen differently. It could have gone better… but,” he emphasized, “it could have gone a lot worse.”
Ahsoka nodded slowly. Hearing that from Rex, someone she thought despised her now, made the burden a little lighter.
“Will it get easier?” she asked quietly.
“Losing brothers? No. But you learn to live with it.”
“Was that what you were doing earlier? I heard you… saying the fallen’s names.”
Rex nodded. “We may be expendable, but we honor our brothers. We give them a final goodbye and tell ourselves they died for a cause. It helps.”
Those words hurt more than Ahsoka expected. The idea that anyone was expendable sickened her. But she was too exhausted to argue.
Rex stood and extended a hand to her. She accepted it, allowing him to help her to her feet.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
Rex gave her a small nod. “You’re not alone in this, Commander.”
For the first time in what felt like hours, Ahsoka felt a sliver of comfort. Perhaps she wasn’t as lost as she thought.
Rex had brought her to her room to make sure she would get there safely. Ahsoka was about to close the door when the Captain said one last thing to her. “Oh, and please don’t think Anakin is mad at you. He may be a good fighter, but feelings of others have never been his forte.”
Ahsoka cracked a smile. A real one. “Thank you, Rexter. This means a lot. Everything.”
Rex smiled back. It looked kind of unusual on his usual so stoic face. “Sleep well, Soka.”
Ahsoka actually slept the rest of the night, or more, because when she woke up, they were only one day away from Coruscant. Her first mission now was food. She felt like she hadn’t eaten in days, which probably wasn’t so untrue. So she made her way to the hall. It was almost empty. Only at the table in the corner sat a clone, looking deep in concentration. Ahsoka got her food, the same as last time, and went over to him. As she approached, she noticed it was Tup, who was carefully painting blue markings on his helmet.
“Am I interrupting?” she asked carefully. Just because Rex helped her yesterday didn’t mean the others thought the same of her.
“Of course not, Commander.”
Ahsoka was relieved. He actually sounded happy. She watched him silently while eating, her eyes following the strokes of his brush. It was meditative in some way.
“Thank you for yesterday, Commander,” Tup interrupted the silence.
Ahsoka was taken aback. Out of all things, he thanked her?
“You know, without you saving us, I wouldn’t be able to paint this.”
Ahsoka smiled. “I told you so, didn’t I?”
Tup chuckled. “Exactly. I knew I could trust in you, little Jetii.”
Ahsoka inwardly cringed at the mention of trust but forced herself to accept his words.
“Jetii? Is that clone language?” she changed the topic.
Tup nodded. “Yes, you could call it that. It’s called Mando’a. You want to learn some? I could teach you.”
Ahsoka pondered for a second. It would make her closer to the clones, but at the same time, she felt like she was intruding on something private.
“Only if you want to,” she finally answered.
“Of course! Hmm, let’s start with some basics first. Jetii is Jedi, of course. And you may hear some clones call another ‘vod.’ It means brother, or ‘ori’vod’ for big brother.”
Ahsoka nodded. She would remember them for sure. It was the least she could do to prove that she cared for clones. That they weren’t expendable.
Later that day, Anakin ordered her to the bridge. Ahsoka tried to keep Rex’s words in mind. As she arrived, she immediately noticed that her Master looked… uncomfortable?
“Look, Snips, I just wanted to tell you that you did not bad yesterday. Thanks to you, we saved the Huttling in time.”
Ahsoka tried her hardest not to laugh. She didn’t know Anakin for too long, but that didn’t sound like something he would say. And as she spotted Rex standing over at a control panel, smiling to himself, she knew she was right. He tried his best.
Anakin cleared his throat. “Anyways, I’d like to talk to you about how things will go from now on when we’re back at the temple. If we don’t get called in on a mission, training will be part of every day. Further, before and after a mission, we need to do checks and reports on materials, ships, and so on. But your most important appointment will be with Master Shaak Ti. She was so nice to agree to put together a handbook about Togrutas, including medical facts, behavior, and everything else that is important.”
“Shouldn’t you know that already? Last time I checked, it was part of the things you learn as a youngling.”
Ahsoka happily noted that she found it quite easy to go back to her usual self.
“Yes, and I do know that. But not all clone do, especially not our medics.”
Rex listened as their banter continued for a while. When he had found her yesterday, his heart almost broke at her sunken-down form. Ahsoka had reminded him too much of himself after his first missions gone wrong. A lot of people often thought clones had no feelings, but in reality, they were just trained not to show them or let them get in the way. He hadn’t wanted her to end up like him, alone and miserable. Back then, all he wanted was for someone to tell him the world didn’t end and he deserved to continue. He was relieved that she seemed fine, at least now.
Tup had also told him about his meeting with her and that he teached her Mando’a. Rex smiled. Ahsoka really didn’t need to be afraid of what the clones thought of her. They all adored her already. And he was sure future vods would do as well.
Rex returned his focus to the holopad. He was reading through the troopers that would join his battalion after arrival. He swiped to a new page. Finally. The page displayed a trooper named Kix. He was the medic Rex had asked for a long time now. Not that Coric wasn’t good enough, but the bigger the missions got, the better it would be to have more medics. And the best thing about Kix was that his former battalion had been led by a Togrutan Jedi who unfortunately died in battle not long ago. Kix hadn’t been in service for long, but Rex hoped he might know a thing or two when it came to Togrutas.
As he swiped further, he reached the pages of the clones who died recently. Most of the entries were the fallen soldiers on Teth, but not only them. Rex sighed. He may have been born for war, but he still wanted it to be over as soon as possible.
Hopefully, the next mission would be less dreadful than this.