Even though Gwen wasn’t in love with Arthur, she still loved him deeply, enough to play the role of his wife believably. She still worried and fussed over him, making sure he didn’t get caught with Merlin. Nothing would stop her from worrying when he would go out for battle and come home bloodied.
But still, Gwen grew tired of waiting. She was tired of always being put on the sidelines, told to stay away and safe. She had every right to fight for her people as did Merlin and Arthur.
She was so sick of it, sick of being put on the sidelines because she was a woman. If anything, she was more capable than Arthur. He threw himself into battle fully willing to die each time. It ticked Gwen off to no extent, not that she could ever tell him. How could he be so inconsiderate? If he died he would leave her with a burden she never wished to bear, the throne.
Gwen often wondered if Arthur ever thought about the consequences that would ripple throughout the kingdom upon his death. She felt nauseous even thinking about it. Every time they went out she felt a pit in her stomach, What if he doesn’t come back this time?
The thought kept bouncing around her head, and she felt worry creep up her throat as the days went on with no word from either Merlin or Arthur.
But Gwen had things to attend to. She shoved those thoughts into little boxes and went about her duties as Queen, reassuring her people and keeping them safe.
It worked, the boxes, they always did. That was until the time when Arthur didn’t come home.
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Gwen peered out from the window, watching as people shuffled by mindlessly. It always seemed to calm her down, it reminded her of those days so long ago when she would sit curled in Morgana’s arms and they would stare out the window together.
She still remembered the feel of her love’s long black locks tickling her shoulders when she shifted. Gwen missed the way Morgana used to be soft. She used to pout to no end when Gwen sat in her own chair, begging her to come closer so she could kiss her cheeks and rest her head in the crook of the younger girl’s neck.
Gwen was lost in thought, mindless to the tears streaming down her face when her door creaked open. It snapped her right back to the present, and she turned around to see Merlin.
“Merlin!” Gwen said softly, with a slight crack in her voice.
Merlin didn’t respond. His own eyes were bloodshot and puffy, his clothes utterly disheveled, and his face so pale Gwen thought he may collapse at any moment.
“Merlin?” she whispered. “Are you alright?”
His head just dropped lower and he slowly shook it. Gwen patted at the seat next to her, and he sulked over.
“I’m sorry,” he managed, as his voice broke.
“Oh.”
“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “Gwen, please I tried so hard I-”
Merlin didn’t get much further than that before his sobs tore their way through his brittle body. Gwen looked at the pale shaking boy and pulled him into a tight embrace. Merlin felt so limp and lifeless in her arms.
There were no more words shared between them. Gwen just quietly took care of Merlin like she always had, she fed him, helped him change, and let him crash in her bed for the night. It’s not like Arthur would be there to sleep in it anyway…
It didn’t take long for Merlin to succumb to exhaustion, though even in his sleep Gwen watched as sobs wracked his body.
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Gwen crept off soon after Merlin fell asleep, she couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. The floorboards squeaked quietly underneath her feet. She found herself heading to a room out of muscle memory, Morgana’s room.
Even though she knew it would never happen, she half expected Morgana to be standing by the window, with her hair long and beautiful, and a smile so soft that even an angel stopped to stare.
So when she opened the door to covered furniture and a thick coating of dust she couldn’t help but feel like her heart had shattered into a million pieces.
She needed Morgana to hold her like she did when her father was killed. She needed those soft hands to hold onto hers and promise her it would be alright. Gwen didn’t just need anyone to console her, she needed her Morgana.
But in this empty room, Gwen had to face the realities. Arthur was dead, and Morgana had killed him. The Morgana she longed for had slipped through her fingers right in front of her eyes and she couldn’t stop it. And now she had to go about everything utterly alone.
A small part of her thought she could rely on Merlin, but he would be in no state to help. Without Arthur he would do what he always did, he would run away.
Gwen felt anger surge through her body, and before she could calm herself down she was throwing furniture across the room as red-hot tears burned down her face. She barely managed to keep in the screams lodged in her throat.
Why did everyone always leave her? Did they never think about her? How could they be so selfish and stupid? Her father, Elyan, Morgana, Arthur, and even Merlin? Everyone she had trusted most had left her utterly alone.
She felt insane, she had no grip on anything, just pure anger that made her blood feel like nails coursing through her body.
Gwen looked at the wood that splintered at her feet and let out a sigh. What the hell was she supposed to do now?
She had nobody behind her, no one to support her. But what was even worse, was that she had no one there to stop her.
Gwen was going to tear the kingdom down and rebuild it.