Two women lay curled together in bed, replete with satisfaction after a night of love and magick making. The blonde trailed her fingers over the redhead's flat stomach, inching slowly toward the curls that shielded her lover's most intimate and sensitive flesh. Willow gave a soft whimper and turned to face the other woman, green eyes meeting blue in acknowledgment of mutual passion.
They stayed still, content merely to gaze into each other's eyes and searching out the many hues and facets that were contained therein. Time slipped past, although to the lovers it seemed to have stopped; eventually, though, the blonde rolled onto her back and broke the spell.
Tara sighed softly. "Did you a-ask them?"
"Anya said she'd come," Willow answered idly, more content to run her fingers through her girlfriend's silky blonde strands than talk at the moment.
Her lover nudged her. "What about Buffy?"
Willow's motions ceased and an unnatural silence settled over the room. Tara shivered. "Willow?"
"I couldn't ask," came the anguished whisper in reply.
"Why?"
Willow raised up to look at Tara, tears in her eyes. "She says she's okay with it now and after the First Slayer thing I believe her, but … "
Tara frowned. "What's wrong, Willow?"
The redhead's forehead creased and an expression of confusion settled on her features. "Ever since the spell we can feel each other every now and then, you know, little things, kinda like a weird sense of just knowing … "
I know, Tara thought. I wish I could explain.
"And when I talk about us — me and you — I get this little vibe from her that I don't understand, and I'm afraid she's just trying to put on a good face and that she's really not okay with us …" Willow babbled, all her feelings coming out.
"Maybe you remind her of what s-she doesn't have right now," Tara suggested.
Willow went silent for a moment and her eyes widened seconds later as realization crashed through. "Oh, Goddess, how could I be so blind! No Angel, no Riley … Buffy must be so lonely right now. I have you, Xander has Anya, and Olivia's in town … it must hurt her to hear how happy we all are. I'm a sucky friend!"
"N-no," Tara countered. "B-buffy's going through a hard time … you can't help her i-if you're not happy."
"I'll ask her today," Willow decided. "We're having lunch in the park to, you know, stay close and not drift apart."
Tara nodded.
Willow kissed the blonde suddenly, a kiss full of love and passion but tinged with a little fear. Sweet lips brushed across sweet lips and tongues explored before happily entwining as passion once more rose between them. As a wave of pleasure crested Willow cried out her love, then sank into the arms of her lover as velvet darkness descended once.
As she gazed down at the woman in her arms, a single tear slid down Tara's cheek. "I know you love me now … but will you love when you know the truth?" she whispered.
Already fast asleep, Willow smiled.
*****
"So you'll come?"
Buffy wiggled her toes as the pale pink polish dried. "Yeah, I'll come … I told you I would."
"I know," Willow said as she tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "But thought I'd make sure, cause, you know … we sorta celebrate the Great Rite at the end … okay, it's not really the Great Rite, but it's our take on it and … and I know you handle the me and Tara thing better now … "
"Will, you're babbling."
Willow looked abashed. "Sorry, but I just wanted to be sure.”
Buffy sighed and looked out across the sunlit park. "It looks so different by day, you know?"
"Yeah, it does, but … "
"Will, it's okay. I understand." Buffy sat up and faced her best friend, hazel eyes meeting green. "I know I was a little freaked at first, but it was just … everything had been changing and I had latched onto something stable. That turned out to be Riley — and, to an extent, that was a mistake."
"Buffy," Willow started.
"No, let me say this. I've been thinking a lot this summer and I've realized a few things ... or re-realized some stuff," she said sheepishly. "I latched onto Riley and concentrated so much on him, on something that needed me, that really wanted me, that made me feel special, important and needed … and the rest of the world passed me by. You guys were having lives and problems, but I was SO scared of loosing what little control I still had over my life that I focused all — or almost all — my attention on Riley. And that was wrong."
"Are you saying you and Riley are wrong?"
Buffy frowned. "Sort of. He worked for a while, Will. He's nice and kind, but in the end we don't know each other. I think I was using him. Correction, I WAS using him, if only to try and forget."
"About Angel?" Willow questioned tentatively.
"Yeah. And slaying, too, I guess — at least for a little while, anyway. But deep down I've known it would never work. That's why I was so focused on him … why I'm still focused on him. If he's all I think about, I can ignore what I know … Faith once told me I didn't know what it felt like to be out of control, but she was wrong."
Willow frowned, but the Slayer continued. "I feel out of control more than anyone knows, Will, and if I focus on Riley … I don't feel so lost and *that* feels good. But it's wrong to do that to him, to us. I told Angel that we don't fit in each other's worlds anymore … but neither do me and Riley. In the end I know he thinks this will be over, but I know it won't end 'til I'm dead-dead. Maybe he can try and pitch in without the fancy equipment, but eventually he'll want more. And despite all Angel's waxing poetic on the normal life I deserve … I'll never have it.
"Ever," Buffy finished. "I know that now. Even if I live to a ripe old age, there'll always be a price on my head."
"Buffy, that doesn't mean you can't have a life! You can! If anyone can do it, I know you will," Willow protested.
Buffy smiled. "I'm not saying I can't have a life, Will — far from it. I've spent years proving that I CAN have a life outside slaying. It just won't be a normal life … and that means that whoever my partner is, he or she has to understand that it'll never be over."
"Riley's nice," she continued after a brief pause. "And he's nice right now — but that's all. That's who he is, really: Mr. Right Now. He's not the sort of person who'll be a Slayer's lifemate; he's the little house in Iowa with 2.2 kids and a dog. And that will never be me. I just hate that it took five months, a nearly broken friendship, Faith, and the threat of world destruction for me to see the truth."
Willow looked pensive, sorting through her best friend's words and reluctantly seeing the truth therein. Eventually she nodded, showing Buffy that she understood. Until …
"Wait a minute! He OR she?"
Buffy looked up at Willow from under her lashes. "Uh huh. What I was trying to say was, if hadn't been so upset over my denial, the Riley situation, my anger at Angel and Faith … I would've taken it better. And I wouldn't have been so surprised, either."
Surprise was etched on the redhead's face. "Really? I mean, how … "
"Remember your evil, vampy twin?"
Willow nodded.
"Angel told a little fib to make you feel better."
"You know," Willow mused. "I've wondered about her — me, her, me — a lot for the past few months. For the last year, really, even when I was with Oz. Maybe even more after we started doing more than exchanging smoochies in the van. She didn't care about sex … as long as she was having sex. It made me wonder if it was a vamp thing or a Willow thing."
"Guess that answers that," Buffy said.
"I suppose," Willow answered idly. "But still — he or she, Buffy?"
Buffy took a deep breath. "Faith."
"Faith," Willow echoed. "Faith. Faith! Skanky, evil, stealing your body and sleeping with your boyfriend FAITH!?"
Buffy grimaced. "Yeah, Will, Faith. Our Faith, who is currently in jail."
"Bu-bu-but, when? Where? WHY?"
"It was early last year, back before she defected and joined the Mayor," Buffy told her. "We had been patrolling, and we took out a nest … afterwards, well, you know about Faith's hungry and horny thing … we went out for a bite to eat, then back to her place to talk … and we ended up doing more than talk. I felt strange after, I mean, I was still with Angel and I felt bad … she said it didn't mean anything, but it wasn't too long after that night that she accidentally killed … "
"Oh," Willow responded. "Oh, Buffy, you don't think -"
"I don't know," she whispered. "Could that have been part of it? I just know that afterwards I was never completely comfortable with my relationship with her. I loved Angel, I still love Angel, and I didn't know where she fit into that equation. Then she tried to seduce Angel, then she went bad, and after that it didn't seem to matter."
"No, Buffy, no … "
"But we don't know, Will. We just don't know"
Buffy lapsed into silence after that and Willow was loath to break the stillness. Both watched as the sunlight filtered through the trees and made shadows on the grass, listened as birds chirped and children played, and shivered as a sudden breeze raised gooseflesh on their bare arms.
"So you really don't mind? Even though I invited Anya, too?"
"No, Will, I don't mind. I'll be there."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
"Kay."
*****
Four nude young women stood awkwardly around a low fire in a dark clearing, each one seemingly unwilling to be the one to break the proverbial ice. Buffy glanced around, carefully studying the area the two Witches had chosen for possible weak spots. Willow said they had cast wards for protection, but this was still Sunnydale after dark — anything was possible.
"It'll be okay," the redhead assured the Slayer.
Buffy nodded and exhaled. "I know, Will. It's just a Slayer thing, I guess."
"If something does come kill us, that means I can never have sex with Xander again," Anya commented. "Which would be very bad, because he does the most wonderful things with his — ”
"Uh, that's okay, Anya, we don't need to know. As long as you're happy," Buffy assured her.
Anya shrugged. "Your loss."
With that the tense atmosphere lifted a bit and each one moved to one side of the fire taking up positions as they prepared to cast the circle. Buffy nervously lifted a cup of blessed water and sprinkled some on the ground as she said, "Welcome our minds to your essence, Air."
She passed the cup to Anya, who repeated her actions. "Welcome our hearts to your essence, Fire."
Willow next received the water and droplets flew from her fingertips as she said, "Welcome our lives to your essence, Water."
At last the cup passed to Tara. "Welcome our bodies to your essence, Earth," she intoned. After a moment she placed the now empty cup on the ground, then stood and flung out her arms. "The circle is cast. We are between the worlds, beyond the bounds of time, where night and day, birth and death, joy and sorrow, meet as one."
Tara lifted a basket full of bread, selecting a loaf. "We g-gather tonight to celebrate the wake of Lugh, the s-sun king who dies with the waning year."
She passed the basket to Buffy, who also selected a loaf. The Slayer took a deep breath, then continued with the words she had learned in preparation for this night. "We stand now between hope and fear, in the time of waiting. In the fields, the grain is ripe but not yet harvested. We have worked hard to bring many things to fruition, but the rewards are not yet certain."
Next came Anya, who copied the others. "Now the Mother becomes the Reaper, the Implacable One who feeds on life that new life may grow. Light diminishes, the days shorten, summer passes."
Willow lifted the last loaf and set the basket on the ground. "We gather to turn the Wheel, knowing that to harvest we must sacrifice, and warmth and life must pass into winter."
The blonde Witch then turned to Buffy. "What do you fear?"
The Slayer closed her eyes and when she opened them she met the Witch's eyes and responded, "Being unloved, unneeded, being alone."
The blonde nodded. "Alone and unloved," she chanted. Buffy's voice cracked as she joined the chant, but she persevered. "Alone and unloved, alone and unloved … "
As their voices dwindled, Tara turned to Anya, once more posing the question. "What do you fear?"
Anya's response was immediate. "Being abandoned."
Tara nodded. "Rejection," she chanted, Anya joining her. "Abandoned, abandoned, abandoned."
By the time Tara moved to Willow, tears were sliding freely down both the faces of the Slayer and Anya, who finally realized just how deeply the past two years had traumatized the Chosen One. Both were lost in thoughts and feelings, and nearly missed Willow and Tara chanting, "Rejection, rejection … "
Willow wiped at her tears and faced Tara, who now stood in her original place. "What do you fear?" she questioned softly.
Tara blinked. "Loss," she answered just as softly.
"Loss," Willow repeated.
"Loss," Tara confirmed. "Loss, loss, loss … "
Once the chant was silenced and Willow had stepped back, Tara lifted her loaf. "In this fire, may it pass from me and mine! May it pass, may it pass, may it pass on the outflowing tide and burn with the red sun. As the year dies and fades, as everything fades, as everything passes … all fades away."
With that she tossed the loaf into the fire, the others following suit. As they gazed into the fire they watched as the flames devoured the bread, each hoping and praying that their fears would be so destroyed. No one spoke, but no words were needed. Each heart was full of fears that were slowly draining away, slipping beyond the pale, leaving only a place for new hopes and dreams.
As they came back to themselves, Tara once more stood forward, this time with a plate of fresh berries. Each one chose a berry as Tara asked, "What do you hope to harvest?"
Their responses formed a chant. "Acceptance, true love, trust, unconditional love, acceptance, true love, trust, unconditional love … "
The words formed a type of magick that Buffy had never felt outside Angel's arms, and she nearly wept at the beauty of it. As the magick pulsed each one was pulled into her own thoughts, reaching for the elusive piece of life that seemed just out of reach. So intent were they, that the sudden cresting of the magick sent a jolt through each one. Heads jerked up and eyes widened as the feelings evened out, but soon smiles split the night as they relaxed.
Tara lifted a strawberry to her mouth, its juices sliding down her jaw as her teeth broke the skin. "Eat of the life that ever dies and is reborn."
Buffy and Anya eagerly popped the fruit into their mouths as each relished the sweet taste after the intensity of the magick, but Willow could only stare at her lover. She wanted to lick the juice from Tara's chin and it was a few minutes before she realized that she was the only one who had yet to feast. Grinning unrepentantly, she brought the berry to her lips, her tongue darting out to caress the fruit before she slowly sucked the ripe berry into her mouth.
Tara *looked* at Willow as she tossed a fine dust on the fire, but the redhead just smiled. The flames tripled in seconds and burst forth, as if trying to climb towards the heavens above. "Now listen to the words of the Great Mother; She who of old was also called among men: Artemis, Astarte, Athene, Dione, Melusine, Aphrodite, Cerridwen, Dana, Arianrhod, Isis, Bride, and by many other names:"
Willow flung her arms out as the words of the Goddess poured from her lips. "Whenever you have need of anything, once in the month, and better it be when the moon is full, then shall ye assemble in some secret place and adore the spirit of me, who am Queen of all the Wise. There shall ye assemble, ye who are fain to learn all sorcery, yet have not won its deepest secrets; to these will I teach things that are yet unknown. And ye shall be free from slavery; and as a sign that ye be really free, ye shall be naked in your rites; and ye shall dance, sing, feast, make music and love, all in my praise. For mine is the ecstasy of the spirit, and mine also is joy on earth; for my law is love unto all beings. Keep pure your highest ideal; strive ever towards it; let naught stop you or turn you aside. For mine is the secret door which opens upon the Land of Youth, and mine is the cup of the wine of life, and the Cauldron of Cerridwen, which is the Holy Grail of immortality. I am the gracious Goddess, who gives the gift of joy unto the heart of man. Upon earth, I give the knowledge of the spirit eternal; and beyond death, I give peace, and freedom, and reunion with those who have gone before. Nor do I demand sacrifice; for behold, I am the Mother of all living, and my love is poured out upon the earth."
Tara tossed more dust on the fire and filled another chalice with wine as she spoke once more. "Hear ye the words of the Star Goddess; she in the dust of whose feet are the hosts of heaven, and whose body encircles the universe.”
Willow straightened her back. "I, who am the beauty of the green earth and the white moon among the stars and the mysteries of the waters, I call upon your soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of nature that gives life to the universe. From Me all things proceed and unto Me they must return. Let my worship be in the heart that rejoices, for behold - all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals. Let there beauty and strength, power and compassion, honor and humility, mirth and reverence within you. And you who seek to know Me, know that your yearning and seeking will avail you not, unless you know the Mystery: for if that which you seek, you find not within yourself, you will never find it without. For behold, I have been with you from the beginning, and I am that which is attained at the end of desire."
After that, all manner of words, chants, spells and songs began to tumble forth from their lips as laughter rang out through the night. Hips swayed in time to a tune only they could hear and any onlooker would have seen four women cast off their inhibitions and dance under a moonless sky. Hands clasped, arms locked and feet danced as a sweet juice passed full lips. Sweat beaded on bare skin only to fall to the ground or dissolve in the air.
Tara and Willow embraced as Buffy and Anya continued to dance, the firelight casting shadows over their bodies as they kissed. Willow shivered in desire, moaning as lust and love and magick raced through her veins. Small gasps of pleasure could be heard but neither knew from whose lips they passed … nor did it matter.
Arms raised, Buffy swayed to the songs in the air as another pair of arms wrapped around her waist. Silky hair brushed her shoulder; a soft mouth pressed kisses on her neck and she arched in the caress, careless of the suitor. Somehow her other relationships didn't matter here. Or rather, because the others were not here they could wait — only the three women with her tonight were important just now. Her feelings for Angel, for Riley, even Faith, were secondary as she danced underneath the moonlit sky, its silvery light kissing her body as would a lover. This was different from all the others, she marveled, its intensity rivaling even what she had had with Angel in their deepest moments. Different, yes, but not at all threatening, she realized as a foamy wave of ecstasy crashed through her blood.
Even over a thousand years later the feelings were still there, Anya mused inwardly. Nothing truly ever died, she realized with a start. Over time things changed, altered, but nothing was ever destroyed. How long ago it was when she had last danced this way, when other commitments were pushed aside in favor of the worship of the Goddess. How had she strayed so far? Why had she allowed bitterness to flavor her heart against love? Anya's thoughts swirled in a cacophony of motion as she danced, thoughts of past lovers mixing with the jilted and unfaithful she had seen as a demon, finally culminating in a curious mental collage as she thought of Xander and the women with her tonight. Soon the thoughts were too much and she heeded the siren call of magick and desire, her arms slipping around another's, her mouth finding creamy skin as if it were only yesterday that she had danced for the Lady.
Soon all four were pressed together, hands caressing and stroking heated flesh, lips passing both delicate and intense kisses amongst the four. A potent music filled their ears, urging them on as they shared themselves in the wondrous and exquisite communion before the Lady, honoring her with their love and trust. Swollen flesh and sweet honey filled Tara's mouth as Willow shattered in Buffy's arms, the redhead sliding to her knees in satiation. The others followed suit, landing on the fragrant grass in a tangle of limbs.
Skin brushed skin, mouths fused together and the song in the air took on a more frantic pace as hands swept across flushed flesh. Buffy gasped as a mouth closed over her nipple and suckled like a babe, and gasps turned to moans as another mouth found her most sensitive spot. Sheer, unadulterated ecstasy flooded her blood in a cycle that had no beginning and no end. And even as she felt the haze recede she could feel the slick skin of another under her fingers as Anya's cry of ecstasy rang out, and she tasted a woman's innermost juices as another scream pierced the night.
The staccato rhythm had reached its zenith with their cries.
Then there was silence.
But it was not a silence of absolute proportions, for the sounds of hearts still beat against the breast of exhausted dancers. Breaths became more even and the fire crackled and the insects buzzed in the night air.
And in the distance, they could hear the song begin once more …
*****
As Aurora's rosy fingers glided across the sky bringing the dawn, four young women reluctantly untangled their limbs and started searching for various articles of clothing. Unlike one-night affairs started under a haze of hormones or alcohol, there were no awkward silences among them, only jokes and light teasing as they debated on whether or not to go to breakfast.
Buffy picked a few strands of grass from her hair as she contemplated her face in the compact mirror. The woman who smiled back at her was happy, happier than Buffy had been in more than a year. Looking up she studied the others and found that this camaraderie, this new intimacy, felt unmistakably right. There were no questions about why it was right, it simply was. These were her friends, her family, and they loved each other even when they were at their worst. Unbidden, the words Willow had spoken the night before trickled through her mind: " … My law is love unto all beings … all acts of love and pleasure are My rituals … "
Yes, this was right. More to the point, there were no feelings on guilt or uncertainty about what had happened. And she was okay with that.
The compact snapped shut and Buffy tossed it into her bag as she pulled on her shoes. "Well, by the time we walk back into town the Espresso Pump will be open."
Willow's eyes lit up. "Bagels and veggie cream cheese!"
Tara smiled as Willow grew excited, and she looked at the redhead with undisguised love and joy. "T-that sounds good."
"I don't know," Anya started, then stopped, cocking her head to the side for a moment. "Yes, food now is good. I'll go see Xander later. Orgasms are better after eating."
Instead of cringing, Buffy laughed, and soon the four were giggling and snorting as they made their way down the slope of the hill toward town. Laughter could still be heard when they reached the road, and any early morning motorists would have been surprised to see four young women out so early … and quite chipper, for all that.
But this was California, and Sunnydale no less, so they pushed it aside and concentrated on the day to come, conveniently ignoring the strange, glittery aura that the group exuded.