Conglomeration of Things

There are several things Mr. Lancer knew as fact. Danny Fenton was a horrible liar and paraded around as Danny Phantom, Danny Fenton was actually gay (surprisingly not even his friends knew) and in a long term relationship, Vlad Masters was bad, bad news, and Bruce Wayne was a dear old friend who ran around dressed in tights during the night.

Oh, and his younger brother was a moronic genius insofar that he had the brains, but lacked the realization of what his actions said. Honestly Lancer wondered how he even got laid, married, and had three kids with how much of an idiot the brat could be. Granted with two of those three kids being complete, or almost complete, psychopaths…Lancer was quite happy he’d gotten his last name vanished from record.

It still didn’t make the current situation any more difficult to deal with. Or awkward.

“…William Shakespeare Slade we’re lucky you didn’t completely destroy Joseph’s development as well…”

Maybe it’d be best to start at the beginning.

…

Two Weeks Previous

Mr. Lancer, as he was known by his students, was enjoying a rather relaxing spring break, bar the explosions from ghost attacks going on in the town. He knew quite well that the local Phantom had it all in hand. After having personally known quite a few teen heroes Lancer had no doubt Phantom could take care of any ghostly troubling coming his way.

Including his ignorant parents.

So it was with knowing that the town was safe (bar property damage) that Lancer quite happily relaxed back into his sofa with a good book. Incidentally it wasn’t some great known piece of literature but actually Stephen King. IT to be precise.

No one but a select few knew about his secret affair with the Stephen King novels. Or that he had a love of horror in general. Or even that he played video games like the best of them—well, Danny Fenton and his friends knew that tidbit but then they were the only exception there…Doomed was much to addicting. He really had to stop.

Still, IT was a deliciously wonderful novel, Amity Park was safe (outside a car exploded as Technus rampaged and Phantom fought to round him up) okay Amity Park was relatively safe aside from property damage, and there was no one to bother him on his break. His paid break. Sometimes being the Vice Principle was a blessing in disguise.

Then he remembered all the bullies in the school and how utterly and completely helpless he was at stopping it and cursed his life.

Shaking off the remnants of darker thoughts Lancer turned the page to continue when the phone rang.

Now one must understand that there is such a thing as ‘old man Murphey’ and his wonderfully despicable law. As such considering that Mr. Lancer, as his students knew him, was settling in for a nice relaxing Spring Break ‘old man Murphey’ decided to come knocking.

After all…whatever can go wrong, will go wrong. Usually at the worst possible moment. Thankfully that wasn’t yet.

So…three of four terrible things, in Lancer’s point of view, happened in sequence. First was that his phone rang.

Annoyed Lancer heaved himself to his feet (yet again silently making an oath to head to the gym and get rid of this horrible pot-belly, and yet again he would completely forget about the oath not five minutes later) and picked up the phone.

“Lancer speaking…Bruce? What can I do for you? … Oh he did, did he? … You want me to what?Great Gatsby, man I’m on my break! … Bruce you didn’t—Romeo and Juliet Bruce I was looking forward to—Bruce don’t you dare hang up on me! BRUCE!”

Lancer huffed and slammed the phone down, scowling at the device.

Next Technus barreled through his wall, Phantom followed right behind. Every single electronic appliance in the modest apartment lifted up as the fight ensued, wrecking Lancers little home. Thankfully the fight ended shortly after with Phantom entrapping Technus into his thermos, unfortunately his apartment was in ruins.

Finally the doorbell rang and then collapsed inward to reveal his two nephews and niece.

Mr. Lancer pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a migraine coming on. He was just thankful that is moronic genius of a brother hadn’t graced him with his presence as well.

That would make these two weeks hell.

…

Needless to say Mr. Lancer’s, as his students called him, vacation went to the dogs right after that. First things first though he had to figure out where to stay, what with his apartment in need of renovation and all. So bitterly he told Phantom to sit on the couch and hand over a phone.

Confused the seventeen year old followed his teachers directions (although a little hesitantly and completely forgetting he was a ghost for the time being) and with a bitter sigh Lancer called Bruce back.

“I’m sorry to bother you—yes they arrived safely which reminds me Joseph, Rose, Grant sit yourselves down on the couch. We’ll be talking in a minute. Now—what do you mean why am I calling? I’ll tell you I have a perfectly good reason to call! … Yes it is a good reason! Pride and Prejudice Bruce I always have a good reason! … Oh don’t you dare bring up that—BRUCE! Listen to me! … That’s better. Now my apartment has unfortunately faced some recent damages…”

Phantom winced and muttered a soft, “Oops…sorry…”

“It’s quite alright, Phantom … Yes, Phantom, Bruce…anyway I’m in need of a new place of residence since you’ve had the care to drop my niece and nephews in my lap—oh don’t give me that! I know quite well you know what happened. Yes you will be footing the bill for the renovations—well it’s not like they realize he’s not doing the destruction on purpose! You know as well as I do that this city is wrapped around Masters little finger—yes, Bruce. Now are you going to give us appropriate accommodations or not?”

Faintly Lancer could hear Phantom attempt to strike up a conversation, although after the glare Grant gave the teen he trailed off with a hesitant wince. Lancer frowned lightly, making note to deal with the boys attitude.

“…I suppose a vacation is acceptable. You’ll be paying for everything? … Very well then, Jump City it is, although why you are sending me there after what you had to say—oh. You know I had completely forgotten about that. … Of course I’ll be sure to mention it, Bruce, honestly. Can’t let your wayward ward whine to high heavens about missing his beau. … Hah! With how tight those tights are it’s any wonder you haven’t been propositioned just yet! And yes that is how I know. I’m not blind. … Mhmm…very well then. Goodbye Bruce.”

With a derisive snort Lancer clicked the cell phone shut and tossed it back to Phantom. He frowned in thought for a minute, wondering how to word this without having Grant lose his head before giving in. He’d be able to contain the aftermath of any one of his brothers children’s tantrums, after all. Except Joseph, the boy was always the good one of those three….

Or he could just leave out hero names entirely and state the ‘secret identity’ which really, to quite a few, wasn’t all that secret in the end. Sometimes he wondered how these ‘superheroes’ actually kept public ignorance of their nightly or sometimes daily activities. They weren’t that secretive after all.

“Bruce wanted to mention that there’s a ghost hunting convention going on in Jump City in two days,” Lancer stated briskly. “He’s offered to pay for room and board during the two weeks the convention lasts if you promise to spend time with Richard, am I understood? Apparently he’s been whining about being all alone.”

Phantom’s head jolted up in surprise at the words.

“Mr. Lancer?” he squeaked.

Lancer rolled his eyes and stated, “Mists of Avalon, Phantom, I’ve known for years. You’re honestly a horrible liar.”

Phantom winced.

“Blow to my ego…” the near-adult muttered.

Lancer just chuckled.

“Now get. I have two trouble makers to deal with….”

“But Uncle Lancer!” his niece, Rose, started to whine as Phantom got up and hesitantly floated out the window. “We didn’t do anything!”

“You terrorized the populace of no less than three cities, attempted to assassinate well known superheroes, and tried to emulate your moronic father! I think you’ve done plenty wrong, Rose Wilson! You and your brother, Grant! Why if your Grandmother could see you—yes, Joseph? Why of course you can practice…you’re not at all in trouble.”

“But Uncle Lancer I—”

“I don’t care if you’ve had a change of heart Rose, you still committed criminal actions!Moby Dick, if I were your father—”

Yup, it was going to be a long two weeks.