Bleach
January, 1976
James was close to tears.
"Prongs, mate, she's just one redhead," Sirius was lamenting, trying miserably to sound sympathetic as he twirled a quill around absently.
"She'snot!" James wailed for perhaps the thousandth time. "She's so much more. She's... she's..."
"Sucking face with a Hufflepuff—"
"Sirius, enough," Remus cut him off, pushing Sirius aside. But too late; James had looked up with a quivering chin and was now looking at Remus with wide and watery eyes.
"Moony what could this meeeean."
"I think it means she just isn't interested, James," Remus said soberly.
James' chin quivered a couple of times. "But what could this meeeeean," he wailed again after a few moments.
Remus rolled his eyes and raised his arms to Sirius in a surrendering motion.
Sirius sighed heavily, and slapped James twice across the face. "Snap out of it, Prongs!"
"He—HEY! Wanker," James spat, pushing Sirius away and massaging his cheeks.
"Listen. Obviously your attempts to get Evans have gone poorly in the past, although it seems fairly clear to me that you've got her attention judging by the expression of longing she has on after you do something moronic..."
"Actually I believe those are looks of contempt," Moony interjected, although he was quite aware no one would pay the slightest attention to what he had to say.
"But if you want to get Evans," Sirius continued as though Remus hadn't spoken, "it's clear you've got to take some serious action."
"Uh oh."
"Hush, Moony. Listen. That Yuri guy is nothing but a dumb Swede, right?"
"Russian," Moony stated lazily.
"Whatever," Sirius waved a hand dismissively. "Clearly you've got him beat in smarts, and definitely in Quidditch ability... the guy can't even stay on a broom... plus you're far awesomer in general, isn't that right Moony?"
"The Queen and I are eloping to Spain."
"Right. So the only possible reason she could like him better than you is because you're not blonde."
"Or because you act like a total wanker whenever Evans is around," Remus said.
"You might be onto something there," James stated incredulously, looking at Sirius with wide eyes. Moony snorted in disgust and left the common room.
Sirius grinned mischievously. "I'll get the bleach."
---
Moony looked incredulous. "Why didn't you use magic?"
Sirius' expression turned thoughtful. "Oh yeah..."
Remus extended a tentative hand and touched the nearest petrified lock of James' now yellow hair. He quickly withdrew his hand with an expression of disgust. "I... I don't know how to fix this."
James moaned.
"What if it all falls off?" Sirius asked Moony apprehensively.
"WHAT?" James yelped.
"It... it won't all fall off."
"MOONY. SOUND MORE CONVINCED THAN THAT."
"It's all right, Prongs. If all else fails I have a bonnet you can wear until your hair grows back."
James moaned again.
"Why the ruddy hell do you have a bonnet?" Remus asked Sirius.
Sirius ignored the question. "Can't you at least change its colour, Moony?"
Remus sighed and took out his wand. "I can remove the bleach, but I flatly refuse to make it any other colour."
"But Mooooony," James wailed. "Lily won't like me unless I'm blonde!"
"Lily won't like you unless you stop acting like such a wanker."
James' lip quivered. "Even if I'm blonde?"
"Even if you're blonde."
James stared at Moony for a few moments. "But she has to."
"But she won't."
"But she has to."
"But she won't."
James blinked uncomprehendingly. "But she has to."
Remus sighed. "Do you want me to remove the bleach or not."
"Will it make my hair less crusty?"
"No."
"Then sod off."
Remus sighed again and put his wand away as he left the dorm. Sirius, meanwhile, had picked up Peter's wand from his bedside table and was prodding James' hair with it from a distance. "What the ruddy hell are you doing with Wormtail's wand? You'll light my head on fire if you're not careful."
"Wormtail's wand doesn't hate me that much," Sirius said, waving his other hand.
"You tried to charm your eggs to taste better with it and they turned into water."
"Right, but there was also that time that I was trying to body-bind Snivellus and he just got all floppy. I figure if I try to stun your hair it might become more bendy."
"Tomorrow's Monday," James whined. "That means we have Charms. That means I have to face Lily looking like... like..."
"An albino porcupine?"
James moaned and hid his face in his hands.
"Relax Prongs. Perhaps a good night's sleep will fix your hair good and proper and you'll just be fashionably Swedish tomorrow."
---
A good night's sleep did not, in fact, fix James' hair good and proper. James, in a frantic attempt to de-crust his hair once and for all, decided to use the relashio charm on his hair. The heat did indeed make his hair floppier—so much so that it promptly fell to the floor.
At least Lily was smiling.
"Nice bonnet, Potter."
"Thank you," he responded, voice thick with sarcasm.
"I thought you took pride in that chaos you call hair. I haven't made you self-conscious now, have I?" she said with mock-concern.
"Hardly. I just realized that all your attention was being drawn to that part of my head, when my face also harbours many good features. Plus, not to mention..." James waggled his eyebrows and held out his arms, beckoning at himself.
"Yes James," Lily said in an insincere monotone. "I see it now. You're very hot. The bonnet isn't distracting at all." Suddenly a blonde figure was sneaking up behind Lily, snaking his hands around her waist. She smiled and kissed Yuri hello, but turned back to James with raised eyebrows as though daring him to say something.
James glanced from Lily to Yuri and back to Lily, clearing his throat. "Real men aren't afraid to wear bonnets," he said in what he hoped was a very convincing tone.
"Oh, clearly," Lily said, giggling sarcastically as she turned and pulled Yuri along with her as she walked down the hall. Yuri frowned back at James, but followed close behind Lily.
---
The next day, the bonnet-wearing Yuri was Lilyless.
Sirius was recounting the story whilst leafing lazily through Which Broomstick.
"And then he said, 'but you agreed with Potter that real men wore bonnets', and she said 'I was just being sarcastic'..."
Remus clucked his tongue and regarded the bald, but elated, James, ignoring Sirius. "I can grow it back, I think."
"You can? Oh Moony. You're such a mate."
"I'm not sure I should though."
"Don't be a grump, Moony. It's clear Lily doesn't like blondes anyway, isn't it Padfoot."
"...And then he said, 'you're a too confusing girl' in that hilarious accent he thinks sounds cool, and then she said, 'just take the bonnet off', and then he was all miffed because she was being demanding..."
"What have you learned from all this, James?" Remus asked him seriously.
"That Lily doesn't like blokes who wear bonnets. I don't want to wear bonnets anymore, Moony. If I do I'll never have a chance with Lily."
"You didn't have a chance to begin with."
"Lighten up, Moony. You're always such a pessimist. Isn't he just so cranky, Padfoot?"
"...And then he cried! The large Swede started crying right there in the hall, it was priceless Prongs, you should have seen it."
"C'mon, Moony. Grow back my hair back, pleeeeeease?"
"I don't think so."
"Pleeeeeease."
"No, James."
"If you don't I'm going to whine about how much Lily rejects me needlessly when we're so clearly perfect for each other directlyto you, allthe time..."
"You wouldn't."
James grinned and raised his eyebrows. "Wouldn't I?"
Remus sighed and waved his wand lazily. James' hair immediately began to grow back, and was back to its usual length and colour within seconds. "Hey! Thanks Moony, you're such a mate."
"Yes, well. I've got to be off, I'm studying with someone, something you might want to consider someday. Next time, don't ruddy well try to change your appearance using Muggle methods."
"Who's he studying with?" James asked Sirius after Remus left.
"Lily," Sirius answered distractedly, still leafing through Which Broomstick. "I heard them talking after class. All smart-person business, I couldn't be bothered to listen about what, but they're meeting in the library."
James flopped onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. "She never wants to study with me."
"That's because when Moony says 'let's study', he actually means 'let's study'. When you say 'let's study', you actually mean 'let's take a sexy bath'."
James scowled and didn't listen. "What's Moony got that I haven't got? I mean, aside from a werewolf alter-ego... and a work ethic..."
"Brown hair?" Sirius asked, looking up from his magazine with a mischievous grin.
James raised his eyebrows. "I'll get the spray paint."