Confiscate
March, 1978
"My life is over," James stated morosely.
"Your life is over?" Sirius wailed. "Prongs, how am I going to know where to hide when Filch is chasing me down the hall? How will I know how to get into the kitchens? Into Hogsmeade? Prongs, how will I know where Transfiguration class is without finding McGonagall's dot first?"
"We all know the map off by heart," Remus said resignedly, not looking up from his book. "And you should ruddy well know where McGonagall's classroom is after nearly seven years of taking her class."
"It's hard to find!" Sirius objected.
"It's in the same place every time you go to it."
"Yeah, but I'm usually looking at the map to make sure I'm heading in the right direction and I never pay proper attention to--"
"Liiiiiily," James moaned, drowning Sirius out effectively. "Why did this have to happen?"
"I'm sure we'll survive, James," she said, her tone patronizingly hopeful as he rested his head on her shoulder. She played with his hair and exchanged an amused look with Remus.
"How did it happen?" Peter asked with an expression of awe on his face. He seemed to be in complete shock.
Sirius sighed heavily. "I'd like to take this opportunity to point out that if James hadn't been so busy talking to Lily about her boobies, none of this would have happened."
"Pads, you burke, we were talking about crests. For Hogwarts robes."
"I know what I heard."
"Actually, I'd like to know what happened, too," Remus decided suddenly, looking up from his text with interest, a small smile on his face. Lily had caught his eye and was making very subtle but very amusing faces behind James' disheartened gaze. He supposed it was a rather typical James story, but paid him close attention anyway. Unfortunately, it was Sirius who piped up first.
"Well, Prongs and Lily were talking about--"
"CRESTS."
"--and Dumbledore was brought into the conversation for some reason, so PRONGS, like the great wanker he is, decided to take the map out and make everything appear to look for Dumbledore."
"Then Filch comes around the corner," Lily prompted quietly, smiling, having already heard the story quite a few times. Sirius scowled at her.
"Would you please have a little respect for the narrative flow?"
"Sorry." She pretended to look sheepish but shot Remus a grin as soon as Sirius had looked away. Remus returned the grin willingly.
"Then Filch comes around the corner," Sirius echoes. "And Prongs stops short and bloody hands me the parchment."
"I'm Head Boy, I can't be caught with something like that. Although I wish I'd kept it now," he added in an undertone, still moping, now hugging Lily's knee as she sat cross-legged.
"I did what I could! It's not like I knew you were going to hand it to me and that I'd have to come up with a plan."
"You floated it out of Filch's reach, folded it magically into a paper airplane, and flew it right into his eye," James reminded him frustratedly.
"I thought it was going to go further than that," Sirius argued, defeated.
Remus' gaze turned from Lily to Sirius. "Padfoot, why didn't you just keep it in the air?"
"He could get it if it was standing still, couldn't he?" Sirius replied bitterly, not keen on being blamed for the loss of the precious Marauders Map they'd created themselves.
"No, he couldn't," Remus said. "He's a Squib."
Sirius' face was disbelieving. "Naaaaah," he said after a long while, batting the air as though sending Remus' notion toward the ground. He looked to Lily, generally regarded as the Moony back-up if there's ever a conflict of information. Lily looked grim and nodded.
"It's true," she confirmed. "Flitwick 'accidentally' let it slip in class a few years back."
"Of course, this was just after Filch had confiscated Flitwick's fanged frisbee that he was examining to figure out what made it bite only when one tried to catch it," Remus explained.
"So all this time, we've been gallivanting about, avoiding Filch... when all we really had to do was curse the bejesus out of him and go on our merry way?" Sirius asked incredulously.
"Pretty much," Remus confirmed, but immediately looked sheepishly at Lily, who was giving him a disapproving gaze for encouraging his cursing habits.
"Well that's bloody brilliant," Sirius said sincerely, grinning from ear to ear. "Prongs, let's go confiscate our map back."
But James wasn't listening. "Your knee has dimples," he commented to Lily, looking at the knee he had just been resting his head on.
"Well-spotted," Lily said affectionately.
"They're cute. Not as cute as the ones in your cheeks, but definitely cute."
"Why thank you, Mr. Prongs," she cooed, kissing him softly on the mouth.
Sirius pulled a face and couldn't leave the common room fast enough. "Wormtail, let's go confiscate our map back," he demanded as he left. Peter looked up as though just waking up and followed Sirius through the portrait hole. "Moony!" Sirius shouted from the corridor moments later. "Let's go confiscate our--"
But the Fat Lady had decided to swing closed, and the rest of Sirius' sentence wasn't heard.
Remus had already retreated quietly upstairs anyway, heavy textbook in hand and an involuntary frown on his face. Usually he could cope with James and Lily's public displays of affection, but other times it was just too much.
Remus didn't sleep so well that night. He kept having that recurring dream where he had been made Head Boy instead, and where Lily was kissing him for noticing the dimples in her knees.