Curse
September, 1981
James Potter just cursed his arse off.
It wasn't a gorey scene; his backside was merely missing. Lily, meanwhile, was wiping the tears of laughter from her cheeks. Harry was sitting on the floor and looking at James with incredible wonder. James promptly began cursing his arse off in a different sense.
"Calm... calm down, James, you'll give Harry a dreadful vocabulary," Lily said through hiccups.
"Calm down!" James shrieked. "I have no arse, Lily. I am arseless. I can't even bloody wear trousers anymore."
And Lily's words were gone in a fresh fit of hysterical giggles.
"Liiiiily," James whined. "You're supposed to be all concerned and tell me what to do and offer to fetch me a goblet of pumpkin juice while I'm thinking."
"I..." she hiccupped again and grabbed hold of the doorframe for support. "I'm sorry. Really, James, I am, this is... this must be so dreadful for you." She pursed her lips tightly to hide her grin. James didn't notice.
"It is. I loved my arse."
"I know you did. I was rather fond of it myself. But really James, it's only half-gone. You should be lucky it hasn't all left you."
James only whimpered in response. Harry gurgled happily and pointed at what used to be James' hindquarters, looking at his mother as though expecting her to notice and gurgle happily, too.
"Mad-Eye!" James exclaimed suddenly. "We have to owl him! Immediately! He knew a bloke who had the same thing happen, he's bound to know a counter-spell..."
"I'm not sure there is a spell for arse-restoration."
"There must be, if there's a spell for arse-removal."
Lily snorted in laughter again and ducked hastily out of the room. James was very disheartened and looked sadly at his profile in the mirror, not on good enough terms with his wand to try and reverse the damage. "What are you looking at?" he asked Harry moodily as they caught each others' eyes in the mirror.
"Aaah," Harry replied, gaping up at his father.
"Is that so?"
Harry grinned and pointed again at James' backside.
James was not seeing the humour in this.
"All right," Lily said, re-entering the room with a goblet of pumpkin juice. James' expression softened and he took it in both hands, sipping it like a small child. Lily smiled fondly at him and turned him around while he drank, looking at his rear end (former) with contemplation. Finally she shrugged and turned James back around. "I honestly don't know what to do for you, James."
James whined. "But you're the best Charmstress in all the land!"
"You made that word up."
"Doesn't make it any less true."
She smiled and stood on her tiptoes to kiss him softly before scurrying back to the doorway and poking her head around the corner. "All right, you lot, you can come in now."
To James' extreme horror, the entire Order of the Phoenix piled into the room after her. Soon, thirty people stood before him, some regarding him with extreme amusement, others with contemplation. Others, namely Sirius and Peter, rolled around on the carpet, unable to breathe for laughing. Harry merely rolled around.
"I'm sorry this had to happen to you, James," Remus said, suppressing a grin.
"I told you," Moody said, stepping forward and scowling. "I told you, didn't I? Never put your wand in your back pocket or you'll end up cursing off your hindquarters."
"I am afraid," Dumbledore said morosely, "that this is a disability the Order cannot overlook. We can no longer sustain you in our cause, James. I'm sorry."
"Noooooooooo!"
James sat bolt upright in bed, clutching his backside. Lily sat slowly up beside him, looking at him with concern. "What happened? Are you all right?"
Once fully confident that his hindquarters were in check, James lay back down and sighed with relief. "I am now," he breathed.
"Bad dream?" Lily was concerned. James had been having a lot of nightmares lately; he cried out in his sleep more than Harry did some nights.
James paused and put his arm around his beautiful wife. "Everything's all right," he muttered eventually into her hair as he fell back to sleep.
Stupid Mad-Eye.