December is a very special month to Park Chaeyoung. And even though Jennie once argued that it’s special to a lot of people for a lot of different reasons, Chaeyoung knew it was extra special to her.
Why?
Because in December, she met Lisa.
2003
Chaeyoung wakes up to knuckles gently brushing over her cheekbones and the soft voice of her mother whispering to her that it’s time to get up.
She barely has time to say goodbye to the talking squirrels she was playing with in her dream, before she’s pulled back into reality, opening her eyes with a small frustrated grunt and immediately narrowing them at her mother.
‘’Good morning, sunshine.‘’ the woman smiles in a way that makes her dimples sink and Chaeyoung almost reaches out to poke them with her fingers like she always does, but then she remembers that she’s supposed to be mad at her mom.
That lasts for as long as it takes for the older to lean down and leave a kiss in place of the little crease on the girl’s forehead that immediately smooths it out.
Six years old Chaeyoung tries to fight off the smile that’s mischievously pulling at the corners of her lips, mumbling a grumpy ‘’mornin’‘’ back, because even if she’s mad, Chaeyoung still has manners, thank you very much.
She fails at her task as soon as her mother prompts her to go look out the window for a surprise. Now, if there’s anything six years old Chaeyoung loves more than her funny dreams and her fish, it’s surprises.
The girl bolts out of bed as fast as a torpedo, like her father always says, knocking over her Rudolph-patterned comforter she begged her parents to buy her to match with her PJs, and in less than a second, she’s pulled the curtains away and glued herself to the window.
Her mother finds her with her face pressed into the cold glass, nose smushed, her open in wonder mouth breathing up a circle of fog on the clear surface. She pulls her away a bit by the shoulders, laughing when the girl looks up at her with eyes so wide and sparkly as if she’s turned into a character from the many cartoons she insists on watching before going to bed.
‘’Snow. ‘’ A little finger pokes at the glass, leaving a print in the center of the fogged up circle.
It’s still dark out, the sun having not quite broken through the night curtain and the snow falls down heavy and messy in lumps rather than individual snowflakes, a lot like the glitter Chaeyoung pours in handfuls on the Christmas cards they make in Art class.
It reflects the lights of the thousand little windows of the buildings around and it’s so beautiful, she can’t wait to be able to draw it in her little sketchbook after classes.
‘’Yes, a lot of it.‘’ the older wraps her arms around the girls’s small shoulders, leaning down to kiss the crown of her head and they watch the snowfall for a bit, just to indulge a rather excited Chaeyoung before she’s sent to change into the freshly ironed school uniform her mother has laid out on the foot of her bed.
Once she’s done with breakfast and putting her shoes on by the door, her dad slips a beanie over her head without looking and Chaeyoung has to fix it up so it doesn’t stay crooked and cover one of her eyes. She watches as he kisses her mother goodbye like he does every morning, which she always finds funny because he makes it look like they’re not going to see each other again in just eight hours when she comes back from work.
He drives her to school and carries her backpack to the door because he doesn’t trust her to not forget it on the ground after she inevitably throws it away to play in the snow for a little bit before going in.
She kisses his cheek for goodbye because he always insists, never forgetting to remind him that they’ll see each other in just six hours when he comes to pick her up. She watches him get in his car and drive away before going in, waving with a hand clad in a warm mitten.
She greets her classmates with red cheeks and a red nose, and heads to her place next to her friend Suzy, but there’s something different about the room that she can’t quite put her finger on.
It irks her for the rest of the next three classes, until it finally dawns on her at lunch when they all collectively decide to stuff their mouths with the lunches they’ve been sent with as fast as they can, so they have longer to play in the snow.
There’s a girl under the single tree they have in their small school yard and she’s got her arms wrapped around herself, looking up at the falling snow fearfully and fidgeting in her place like she’s trying to hide from it.
Chaeyoung stops midway to her friends playing handball with snow in a circle, turning her body to approach the little girl instead.
‘’Are you okay?‘’ She asks cautiously as to not startle her.
She still jumps a little, something Chaeyoung finds adorable. But what turns out to be even more adorable is the girl’s attempt to explain herself in broken Korean ‘ I.. no. I scary.‘’ she voices out, the words foreign to her tongue and her eyebrows scrunched in concentration.
‘’You’re scared? What are you scared of?‘’ Chaeyoung looks around to try and see if there’s someone around that might have been bullying her, but every kid her eyes fall upon is busy playing with the snow just like this girl here is busy avoiding it.
The girl points up around them animatedly and when her hand accidently catches a snowflake, her face grows into this look of absolute horror that Chaeyoung finds hilarious. She breaks out in laughter, calming down only after she notices the other girl starting to shake. ‘’Hey, it’s okay.‘’ She calls out, stepping closer, ‘’It’s just snow. It’s like rain, but frozen.‘’ She explains, but thinks the girl might not understand her fully, because she still looks terrified. ‘’Look, it’s not dangerous at all. ‘’ Chaeyoung bends down to grab a little bit in her palm. ‘’It’s not going to hurt you if you hold it. You can even eat it, look! ‘’ She demonstrates, throwing a pinch of snow into her mouth and crunching it with a big smile.
It takes a while, but the girl’s face finally relaxes, growing from a look of utter terror to that of mild confusion. ‘’Here, give me your hand,‘’ Chaeyoung gestures. The girl seems reluctant at first, so Chaeyoung flashes her a gap-toothed smile that she hopes would earn her trust.
It seems to work, because the foreign girl lets Chaeyoung take her hand and twist it around palm up. She pinches some snow from her own palm and drops it on hers, watching her tense up for a moment until she realizes that nothing bad will follow.
She stares at her hand like it’s not hers at all, fascination on her face as the snow starts to melt and turn into water on the skin of her palm.
‘’See, it’s just water.‘’ Chaeyoung chuckles and she’s not sure if the girl understood her, but she shows Chaeyoung her smile for the first time since they met. It’s so beautiful that the Korean gets the sudden desire to ditch snow play and run inside the classroom to grab her pencils and her sketchbook and draw it, to memorize it forever between her pages.
It warms her up how the hot chocolate her grandmother prepares for her every time she visits does, with just a hint of cinnamon that she can smell on the girl’s clothes.
It dawns on her just then. The girl smells like Christmas and her smile lights up like a tree. And because Chaeyoung loves Christmas more than any other holiday, she decides that she has to befriend her. There’s no way around it.
‘’I’m Chaeyoung,‘’ she reaches her hand out for greeting, ‘’but you can call me Rosie too if it’s easier.‘’
The girl beams up at her and doesn’t waste a second to grab her hand. ‘’I Lisa!‘’ She states excitedly, bouncing on the balls of her feet. Then a second later, her expression falls and it feels like someone has pulled the plug on all the lights in the world, sinking it in darkness. ‘’I know not Korean. Sorry.‘’ Her chin dips down like she’s somehow embarrassed and Chaeyoung can’t have that.
‘’It’s okay. You don’t have to speak Korean to builda snowman!‘’ She announces and pulls Lisa down to the ground with her by their still joined hands.
There and then, a friendship between the two of them begins without the need of words, as Rosie spends the rest of lunch break teaching Lisa how to build snowmen and make snow angels and later on, when Chanyeol came to stomp over their little snow village and mock Rosie just because he could, Lisa didn’t need words to push him roughly away until he landed on his butt in a pile of snow, happily getting herself in trouble on her very first day of school to defend her. She hasn’t stopped ever since.
If she loved the month of December before, Chaeyoung finds herself completely enamoured of it now.
2008
This December, there was no snow. Rosie waited and waited, running out of bed first thing each morning to peak through the curtains only to be disappointed at the dry patches of dirt and the naked tree branches. Even her neighbours’ LED garlands and Santa Reindeers couldn’t make her feel better, because, what’s the point in them if there’s nothing to reflect their warm glow and light the whole neighbourhood up?
Upon noticing the girl’s heavy gloom tainting the whole house’s mood (Alice would argue that it’s most likely to be caused by the unpredictable change of hormones brought on by impending puberty, rather than the lack of snow), her parents decided that if they couldn’t bring snow to their youngest, they could bring her to the snow.
Imagine little Rosie’s excitement when she was told to pack her bags one morning, running all the way to Lisa’s house without her gloves and hat on in eight in the morning and rousing the family inside from sleep.
‘’Oh, hi, Rosie,‘’ Lisa’s mom opens the door in a robe, her eyes barely open as they look down at Chaeyoung who can barely stay still in one place, the energy bouncing off of her like a free electron. ‘’Why are you up so early, dear? Do your parents know you’re here?‘’ Her questions fall on deaf ears as Chaeyoung bolts inside past her, going straight to Lisa’s room. She doesn’t need instructions, already acquainted with the inside of her house better than the back of her own hand. ‘’Good morning, Miss Manoban!‘’ is all she yells as she runs up the stairs to not be completely mannerless and the older woman chuckles with a fond shake of her head. It’s not the first time this has happened, so she’s used to it already, knowing just where to find the phone and having the Parks’ numbers on speed dial to warn them about their daughter’s whereabouts in case they didn’t know.
‘’Lili, wake up, we’re going snowboardiiing.‘’ The younger feels the thump before she hears her voice, groaning at the sudden weight landed right on top of her and knocking her air out with the sheer strength of the fall.
Rosie should probably try out for the long jump competitions on TV or a WWE ring fight with those powerbombs she’s pulling on her poor best friend.
She pushes the older away, realizing a bit too late that it might have been too hard as Rosie flies towards the edge of the bed, headed for the ground headfirst with a loud yelp. Lisa manages to catch her on time, pulling her by the waist back to herself and the older falls against her once again, this time expectedly at least.
They look at each other for the longest time, before they burst out in laughter, Lisa shoving her away, gently this time as Chaeyoung lands on her back next to her.
‘’We’re doing what?‘’ She asks, a little breathless.
‘’Going snowboarding. Up in the mountains where there’s tons of snow!‘’ The giddiness in her voice is enough to make Lisa smile, even though she wasn’t quite sure about the snowboarding. She’s watched some of it on TV and she has to admit, the broad open spaces of endless white that you’re sliding on top of with those flimsy boards makes her sort of anxious.
But Rosie’s already talking her ear off about the slopes they can go down on and the amazing hot chocolate that is sold at the barn and Lisa can’t really ruin her enthusiasm like that, especially when she’s been anxiously waiting by her side for a single snowfall this month and watched her bright smile dim every time it turned out to only be rain or hail.
She prompts Lisa to throw some warm clothes on and pulls her downstairs hastily to the kitchen where her mother is still on the phone.
‘’Thank you, but we can’t affo – ‘’ the older cuts herself in the middle of the sentence as she spots the two girls just around the corner. She puts a hand up to cover her mouth and walks away from them, presumably out of their hearing range, but she must have underestimated their young ears, because Lisa takes just one look at her and sighs.
‘’Sorry, Chae,‘’ she shrugs, putting her hands in her pockets with a look that rather than disappointment, reads acceptance. ‘’probably not going to happen.‘’
Still, Chaeyoung thinks she can read the sadness in her eyes as their lids start to weigh in on them and her shoulders slump, a little how Chaeyoung felt when she saw that small trembling puppy at the shelter she visited with her parents and they said they’d consider adopting it, making her sit in the waiting room and kick her legs as they talked outside. Even as the lady working in the shelter explained to them that the puppy will be put down if no one takes it, their answer was still no.
Chaeyoung feels the same level of disappointment now as she’s staring at Lisa staring at the ground as her mother finishes her phone conversation.
‘’Please, Ms. Manoban let Lisa come with us, I promise I’ll take care of her.‘’ Chaeyoung pleads with the older as soon as she puts the phone down, the fingers of her hands intertwined and maxing up on the wet-eyed puppy gaze that always gets her everything she wants at home. ‘’We’re gonna be careful and go to bed early.‘’
‘’I know that you will.‘’ She sighs similarly with the way Lisa did earlier, a tense smile on her face. ‘’That’s not the reason why, Rosie.‘’
‘’ Then - ‘’ Chaeyoung looks down at the ground, trying to come up with more logical reasons as to why Lisa’s mom wouldn’t let her go if it’s not her safety she’s worried about, but she comes up short. ‘’Why?‘’
‘’It’s because we have no money, ‘’ Lisa replies instead of her. ‘’right, mom? Because we’re poor.‘’ She kicks at the corner of the rug frustratedly. ‘’Because dad left.‘’
Chaeyoung feels more than sees the sadness creep up the woman’s face as she looks down at her daughter and then back at her. She shakes her head as if to throw it away and plants a smile on her face instead. It feels like one of those pencil drawings she does where she messes up a building’s perspective or a face’s proportions and tries to cover it up with chalk, the older picture always showing through, no matter how many layers of pigment she lays on top of it.
‘’It’s a difficult time right now, Rosie. Maybe you can go together next year?‘’ She offers calmly.
Chaeyoung’s about to keep arguing, because she thinks, no, she firmly believes, that every child deserves to play in the snow for at least a day, but winter is almost over and the man on the forecast doesn’t predict snow any time soon in Seoul, so Lisa’s chances to see it this year grow thinner by the second. And how horrible would it be to have to wait a whole year for it to happen again? Chaeyoung’s already forced to wait a full 365 days for her birthday, because, apparently, you can’t have more than one birthday per year and do you know how many hours are in 365 days? Chaeyoung doesn’t, but it seems like a lot.
But then the doorbell rings a couple times and when Lisa’s mom opens the door, she sees her parents there, beckoning her over and apologizing profusely for the inconvenience she must have caused them at such an early hour.
They do offer to take Lisa with them anyway, free of expenses, because, well, they can afford it, but the older Manoban declines their offer politely, saying she wouldn’t feel comfortable letting that happen and when Chaeyoung’s eyes start to slowly fill up with tears at the prospect of not being able to share her most favourite thing with her most favourite person – because that’s what Lisa is to her she’s decided a few years ago, for the first time since they know each other, the younger reassures her that she’s not the biggest fan of snow anyway and that there’s many more winters to come for them to share Chaeyoung’s joy of it.
It’s only when she’s in the back of their SUV on her booster seat looking through the window at the white mountain peaks in the distance, that Chaeyoung gets taught the role and place that money partake in their lives and the world they’re living in.
She has fun there, but not as much as she used to have when she was younger, not as much as she would have had if Lisa was there with her. That’s when she gets taught the role and place that Lisa holds in her own life.
When they come back to Seoul after three days, she doesn’t even wait for her mom to help her out of her snowboard equipment before she’s taken off running to Lisa’s house, finding her in her backyard kicking rocks and blocks of ice around.
The younger doesn’t see her coming at all, only realizing it after she’s been tackled to the ground and as she’s laying in a heap of limbs and tasting strands of coal black hair.
‘’Did you have fun in the mountains, Chae?‘’ Lisa asks her later as they’re both sitting inside where it’s warm and being served some instant hot chocolate, that’s not even that hot, or sweet, but it has three little marshmallows swimming at the top that look like a pair of eyes and a mouth and it tastes better than the expensive one at the hut, because she’s not drinking it alone.
Her eyes rise from the rim of her mug, a mischievous glint shining through the steam that’s wafting off of it. ‘’Yeah, but I wish you were there too.‘’
‘’Me too.‘’ Lisa sighs into her mug.
‘’I got you something.‘’ Immediately sparks light up in her sullen eyes.
Chaeyoung shuffles around to reach into her pockets and pulls something shiny out, the glare of it catching Lisa’s eye. It’s a small snow globe that she shakes up to show her.
‘’Look it’s us!‘’ Chaeyoung points out at the little figures of two people holding each other among a field of white as even more snow falls all around them, prompted by Chaeyoung’s shakes. ‘’I couldn’t find one with two girls, but we can pretend.‘’ She clarifies at Lisa’s slightly confused expression. ‘’I couldn’t bring you to the snow, so I wanted to bring the snow to you. But it melted in my pockets, so that was the next best thing.‘’
‘’Chaeyoung-ah,‘’ Lisa calls and Chaeyoung cuts herself off, her gaze, that has slid down sometime amidst her explanation, rising up to her once again. ‘’Thank you.‘’ The blinding white of her smile outshines the snow globe with its light reflection and three days worth of memories of snow.
It’s how Chaeyoung learns that white is her favourite colour and that all the money in the world means nothing if Lisa isn’t there.
‘’Girls?‘’ A voice calls from the threshold. ‘’Sorry to interrupt you, but you might want to look outside.’’ As soon as she says that, two heads whip around to stare through the window simultaneously and then at each other.
It’s snowing.
2015
It’s in December when Chaeyoung realizes she’s in love with her best friend. It doesn’t come as a shock to her, in fact it, it feels exactly how it felt when they were driving back to Seoul after the snowboarding trip all those years ago – like coming home.
It makes her think that she must have been in love with Lisa for too long, maybe her whole life even, that the realization of it, rather than shocking, feels like something long overdue, something that instead of fear, brings her peace.
She’s been blind for it, because she’s never thought love to be possible outside of a union between a man and a woman – the way God has intended, but as she’s looking into Lisa’s eyes now, there’s no other way to describe what she’s feeling. There’s nothing else that it could be, but love.
“Lisaaa,‘’ she whines from the passenger seat as Lisa takes a sharp right turn. ‘’Where are you taking me?‘’
‘’Kinda defeats the point of a surprise if I tell you, doesn’t it?‘’ The younger fakes a pout even if Chaeyoung can’t really see it with her hands covering her eyes per Lisa’s request.
‘’Can you at least tell me if we’re gonna get there alive?‘’ The blonde teases as yet another sharp turn tilts her to the left.
‘’I’ll try my best,‘’ the younger promises, ‘’you know I’m still new to this.‘’ She refers to her newly acquired driving license. Chaeyoung’s yet to get hers, but she’s fairly sure she’s not supposed to fall out of her seat every time they stop at a red light. But Lisa is so proud of herself and, Chaeyoung is too, don’t get her wrong, she had been pestering her for a while now to let her drive her somewhere in her step dad’s car and show her skills off, although they still needed a little polishing.
She’d said she needed to drive a lot, so that she can learn if she wants to become a police officer – her dream since she’s turned ten and watched a cool detective show and so, who was Chaeyoung to disagree with such logic? She’d joked that it’s okay since she’s planning on becoming a doctor, so if Lisa never gets better at driving, at least she can treat her if she were to crash somewhere, and then she jumped in the car, no more questions asked.
Soon enough they stop, thankfully before Chaeyoung could develop motion sickness, and Lisa parks the car in a way that takes up two parking spots and renders a third unusable and Chaeyoung can easily imagine the angry drivers cursing her out as they look for places to park around the busy square, but she pats her congratulatory on the back nonetheless.
They walk around the parking lot and Lisa starts pulling her towards the source of upbeat music and neon lights that turns out to be a skate rink.
‘’Oh, my god, since when is this here?‘’ She gasps as she takes in the huge fenced field of ice filled with happy screeches and laughter.
‘’If you went out a little more, you’d know it’s been here since November.‘’ Lisa laughs at her and pulls her through the entrance towards the reception booth.
‘’Hi, size 245 for me and 255 for Bigfoot here, please.‘’ She turns to the receptionist, pointing with her thumb back at Chaeyoung as the woman handing her their skates snorts. Chaeyoung thinks about slicing her throat with the blade.
‘’If I’m Bigfoot then you must be Nosferatu with those huge ass claws.‘’ The blonde jabs, pointing her chin towards Lisa’s hands.
‘’Fair enough.‘’ Lisa shrugs as she ties her skates. ‘’At least those long fingers can come in handy one day, unlike your dew-beaters.‘’ She sticks her tongue out at Chaeyoung and wiggles the fingers of a hand to demonstrate her point and Chaeyoung hates that the dumb innuendo makes her blush. ‘’C’mon now, Frodo, let’s go.‘’ The younger jumps up from the bench, skates tight on her feet. She has no problem walking around on the thin blades, making cracks into the wooden pallets with her every step, or should Chaeyoung say stomp, because the younger never learned how to walk quietly heel first and toes second, rather than stomping the ground with her whole foot like there’s a cockroach to kill at every meter.
The blonde tries to stand up too, immediately falling right back on her butt as she loses her balance, making Lisa snort at her but still coming over to give her a hand. They take a few steps and Chaeyoung wonders what she is going to do once they step onto the ice if she can barely keep her balance here where the ground is not yet slippery.
‘’Wait,‘’ Lisa says and the support she’s giving Chaeyoung with her body suddenly disappears. The older yelps in surprise, hands shooting out to hold onto the first thing within their reach, in this case a squatting Lisa’s shoulders. ‘’why didn’t you tie your skates?‘’ The younger asks as she starts tugging at Chaeyoung’s feet, causing her to wobble. ‘’Hold onto me.‘’
‘’I didn’t know how… ?‘’ Chaeyoung offers sheepishly as she catches Lisa staring up at her and shaking her head.
Once the younger is satisfied with her work and made sure she hasn’t tied them too tight as to restrict the blonde’s blood flow, she stands back up, turning around to head inside the rink.
‘’Wait, Lisa! I’m scared.‘’ Her arms snake around the younger as she clings to her, stopping her before she’s pulled her on the ice.
‘’I thought you loved winter and snow things, that’s why I brought you here.‘’
‘’But I’ve never skated before.‘’ The older pouts.
‘’I’ll teach you.‘’
‘’But what if I fall?‘’ The pout deepens.
‘’I won’t let you fall.‘’
‘’You promise?‘’ Eyes sharp like the blades on their feet boring into hers.
‘’Do you trust me?‘’ Chaeyoung nods. Of course she does.
Lisa steps on the ice first, turning around to gently pull Chaeyoung towards her and starts slowly skating backwards. The blonde feels like the ground has slipped from underneath her feet all of a sudden and she begins to wobble, gravity pulling her backwards and she braces for the impact, but it never happens, because Lisa is there holding her hands and somehow managing to not only keep her balance but Chaeyoung’s as well all the while she’s skating backwards and if Chaeyoung wasn’t so impressed, she’d be jealous.
Actually, you know what, scratch that. She is jealous. Because in order for Lisa to have become so good, she must have come here a lot, all those times Chaeyoung blew her off when she’s asked her to hang out because she had to study one thing or another, Lisa has come here with someone else, holding someone else’s hands and brushing fake snowflakes off someone else’s hair. But she is her best friend, hers and no one else’s and that should have been her.
‘’When did you learn to do this?‘’ She asks, the faintest note of bitterness easily intelligible in her voice like the taste of green tea slipping through the sweetness of honey.
‘’When somebody was too busy studying about body parts.‘’ The younger muses. She’s probably come here with her dance crew and it mustn’t have taken her too long to learn how to skate, after all, dancers are known for their exceptional limb coordination.
‘’Yeah, but when you fall down and split your head open, your friends aren’t going to be the ones stitching it back up, are they?‘’
‘’No, you are,‘’ Lisa hums in agreement, her hands pulling Rosie to herself and pushing her away in slow controlled movements to get her used to the motion. ‘’Unless you’re the one pushing me down.’’ in one of those pulls, Chaeyoung slides a little bit too close to her, or maybe Lisa doesn’t stop her fast enough, but their faces are inches apart and Chaeyoung can smell Lisa’s chapstick on her lips. It must be a Christmas edition one, because she catches the scent of apple and cinnamon pie and her tongue unconsciously shoots out to wet her own lips.
With the corner of her eye, Lisa sees someone gaining speed, headed straight for them and if you judge by the look on his face- unable to stop, threatening to body slam Chaeyoung to the ground, so she thinks quickly, grabbing the blonde’s waist and pulling her flush to her body to make way for the kamikaze skater.
Their heads butt painfully and, amidst the surprise from Lisa’s actions, Chaeyoung’s leg curls back as her body falls against Lisa’s, serving as the perfect enough stopper for the skater whose feet trip over hers and send him flying forward, landing on the ice with a painfully sounding thump that makes both of them wince.
Once Chaeyoung realizes what’s happened, she pulls back a little to look at Lisa, her glare demanding explanation.
‘’It was either you or him.‘’ The younger shrugs without a single trace of remorse. They watch the guy getting lifted up by a couple of people and off his merry way he goes, clearing the path for them.
Lisa starts pulling Chaeyoung again, this time sliding along the rink length and trying to keep close to the railing and stay out of everyone’s way.
They skate in excruciatingly slow laps and Chaeyoung refuses to even consider easing on to the death grip she has on the younger’s hands.
‘’Lisaa, slow down,‘’ she whines every time she feels Lisa starting to pick up their pace. Immediately after, like clockwork, her legs start wobbling and she’s pulling onto the Thai for leverage, grabbing onto arms, shoulders and hips to keep herself upright.
‘’Hey, hey, you’re not gonna fall, okay?‘’ The younger reassures, letting Chaeyoung cling to her for as long as she needs to gain her sense of balance back and then she’s pushing her away once again within an arm’s reach.
They don’t even notice that the sun has set until they start to shiver, the temperatures significantly dropping now that the sky has gone dark.
‘’Are you cold?‘’ Lisa asks and Chaeyoung nods.
‘’A little.‘’
‘’Tell you what,‘’ Chaeyoung feels herself getting pulled in again, just about to lose her balance, but Lisa’s hands wrap around her waist and steady her. She guides the older’s around her shoulders,‘’let’s dance.‘’
Lisa starts swaying them side to side and the song that’s playing is not even that slow and they probably look ridiculous, but it does the trick, both warming up and relaxing Chaeyoung. Maybe a bit too much even, because she feels her cheeks and neck heating up. She tells herself it’s out of embarrassment and not because of the way Lisa has leaned her head against hers and the way her hand feels against the small of Chaeyoung’s back, burning at her skin even through the five layers of clothing.
People around them have taken their example and coupled up to dance too, the rink starting to look like a Waltzing class rather than a place to skate and the employees must have picked up on it, because the slow and sensual songs start raining one after the other and out of the variously coloured light beams that were bouncing off the ice earlier only the pink and red ones remain, their movements matching the beat of the songs. The couple next to them is kissing and now the blush has spread all the way to her ears, because everyone must think they are a couple. If she closes her eyes, Chaeyoung can see it too.
‘’Remember that day at school when we first met?‘’ She hears in her ear softly spoken and she’s nodding her head yes before she can even process it. ‘’It was my first day and I was terrified. I’d never seen snow before and no one could understand what I was saying. But then you came and showed me that it wasn’t scary at all. You kept trying to talk to me even when I couldn’t understand you. And I’ve loved snow and winter ever since. Because of you.‘’ Lisa’s words were pulling her impossibly in, so she didn’t feel her body slipping further away and away, until she realized she couldn’t feel her at all.
That’s when she opened her eyes and realized that Lisa’s pushed her a few steps away and let go of her hands.
As soon as that registers, Chaeyoung’s screeching in fear. ‘’You said you weren’t gonna let go of me!’’ She feels unstable on her feet, like any excessive movement is going to send her flying to the ground.
‘’No, I said I wasn’t gonna let you fall. And I’m not. Come on, Rosie. Come to me.‘’ She waves her over with her hands, leaning her body forward so that Chaeyoung can mimic her movement.
‘’Okay, good,‘’ she comments when the blonde successfully manages to keep her balance on her own. ‘’but don’t lean too far or you’re gonna tip over,‘’ she warns. ‘’Now slide to me.‘’
‘’I can’t.‘’ Chaeyoung shakes her head in distress. She’s just managed to stay still on her feet, if she starts moving them, there’s no way she won’t fall.
‘’Yes, you can. C’mon, one foot before the other. Slowly.‘’
‘’I can’t, I’m gonna fall.‘’
‘’And I’m gonna catch you. Come on, Chae, just try.‘’
The blonde considers her for a moment and starts to slowly slide her right foot forward. But then she starts to wobble again and pulls it right back into starting position. ‘’I can’t.‘’
‘’Do you trust me?‘’ Lisa asks, searching for Chaeyoung’s eyes that are cast downwards. ‘’Chae, do you?‘’
‘’Y-yeah,‘’ the blonde nods. ‘’I do.‘’
‘’Okay, then. Let go. Come to me.‘’ Lisa opens her arms to welcome her. ‘’Just a couple steps, come on. You can do it. I believe in you.‘’
‘’Are you sure?‘’
‘’I know it. Come on.‘’ Lisa watches her bite down on her bottom lip and nod. Then she tries again, sliding a step further and immediately stopping to regain her balance. Then she takes another and a third and Lisa starts skating backwards matching her tempo, her arms out and ready to catch her if she starts falling.
‘’You’re doing so good, Chae,‘’ she reassures her with a smile. ‘’Don’t look at your feet. Look at me. Come on, just a couple more.‘’
Before she knows it, Lisa’s back has hit the railing and the only thing separating Chaeyoung from her arms are the last couple of meters between them. She looks back to see all the way she’s skated, a huge grin breaking out on her face as she realizes how far she’s come.
Just a couple more steps and she’ll be there. She starts sliding with even more confidence, realizing only midway that Lisa never taught her how to stop.
But it’s too late now, she’s sliding down towards her and there’s a slight bump in the ice that her blades go over, not tall enough to trip her over, but tall enough to redirect her and instead of towards Lisa, Chaeyoung finds herself sliding closer to the middle of the rink where all the other people are skating.
‘’Uh-oh.‘’ Lisa mutters under her breath and takes off after her, quickly managing to outskate her and slide in front of her.
‘’Okay, Chaeng, it’s time to stop, just pull your toes together and lean back slightly,‘’ but Chaeyoung has gained traction and she doesn’t seem to be slowing down. She’s stopped skating, but the momentum is pulling her forward and Lisa doesn’t have much space left behind her before she’s inevitably colliding into somebody.
She looks around to find some space for them to turn, but they’re surrounded by people, encircled by skates and so their only option is to stop.
‘’Watch out!‘’ Somebody yells out, but before Lisa can find the source of the warning, she’s looking at Chaeyoung literally flying towards her.
Maybe she would have handled the impact and kept both of them upright had she been on flat shoes, but the decreased balance of the thin blades and the slippery nature of ice sets them up quite differently.
She’s not even falling on her butt, it’s directly on her back, flat as a board against the ground and Chaeyoung straight on top of her, all the unprocessed air in her lungs be damned.
The other skaters don’t even bother to help them up, happy to include an obstacle in their trace to go around.
As if it isn’t enough that her tailbone feels like it was set on fire, Chaeyoung decides to start showering her with punches for good measure. ‘’You said I wasn’t gonna fall!‘’
‘’You fell on top of me, what are you even complaining about?‘’ The younger groans, rubbing at her head.
‘’That I shouldn’t have fallen at all!‘’
‘’I don’t know, all I’m hearing is: thank you Lisa for cushioning my fall.‘’ She sasses.
‘’ ‘’That I wouldn’t have had to cushion if I had kept my promise and not let Chaeyoung fall.’’ Serves you right.‘’ The younger mutters, her breath puffing out Lisa’s bangs.
‘’Yeah, it does. For taking you here.‘’ she mutters back, her breath in turn fluttering Chaeyoung’s eyelashes.
‘’Yeah, you should have gone with your dance crew. Bet you would have had more fun.‘’ Now the blonde is full on sulking and Lisa finds the sight of it adorable.
‘’I’d literally take you on top of me like this any day before anything else.‘’ She’s dropped the sarcasm, looking up at Chaeyoung so sincerely in a way that makes her stomach flutter.
The white snowflake contrasting with her black hair and coat and those red from the cold lips make her look so beautiful, Chaeyoung doesn’t think she’s ever enjoyed such an exquisite sight.
‘’You’re a liar.‘’ Chaeyoung says. She promised she wasn’t going to let her fall and yet here she is, skydiving into the abyss that is Lalisa Manoban, not knowing when her parachute is going to open, or if it’s going to open at all.
‘’I said I was gonna catch you, didn’t I?‘’ The younger smirks in that type of way that drives Chaeyoung insane and that’s the last thing she sees, before her eyes are closing and a pair of cold red lips is claiming her own.
2021
It’s December when everything starts to fall apart, just like the day old icicles on rooftop ledges and windowsills in the particularly sunny day in which Chaeyoung’s world turned upside down.
It started as a normal morning, just like any other with steaming eggs and bacon on the dining table and the scent of freshly brewed coffee and Chaeyoung can’t quite tell how it all went down right then, all she knows is that she’d seen it coming from a mile away, but somehow believed, hoped, it would miss her.
Perhaps her prayers have been landing on deaf ears all this time and maybe her parents were right. God has forsaken her.
It was such an unremarkable moment, nothing short of the usual breakfast routine of small talk and rushed eating as the anticipation of yet another long work day buzzed in the air, looming over their heads like a threat.
It used to be different once upon a time, peaceful, safe, but each year that Chaeyoung grew, so did the rift between her and her parents. It has been brewing, much like the tea on the stove, almost forgotten, but it began just as unremarkably.
One missed Sunday at church spent instead tangled in bed sheets and limbs that weren’t her own, one that then turned into two and three and so on and so forth until she lost count.
Her parents didn’t.
And so then the questions came, bubbling like the boiling water with the scent of rosemary and she could avoid them just fine – a white lie here, a bigger one there, until she lost count of that too.
But the problem with lying is that once you start there’s no going back. Much like a snowy slope, there is no other way but down, all the way down to hell to be damned. And damned she was.
It was just supposed to be a quick time check, just wake your phone up, look at the lock screen and put it back to sleep. She’d fight the smile off her face like she does every single morning, her plates already gathered in a pile to dump in the sink, say a rushed goodbye and out the door she goes to another busy day at the hospital. She was about to graduate soon, one more semester and then all of her hard work, years lost between pages of anatomy books would have been worth it.
What she didn’t account for was the sudden scream from the teapot, annoying little thing it was, but she woke up with her throat feeling a bit sore, so she thought she’d substitute one of her three dozes of coffee a day for a cup of tea.
We’re always the architects of our own downfall, aren’t we?
Her mother, startled from the noise, would jump up from her seat to take it off the stove and careful not to spill the boiling contents, would carry it to the table, feeling generous enough to place it right in front of her daughter. Maybe they’ve been too harsh on her lately.
But Rosie, too lost in thought, counting out the hours until she gets to see that smile again on something else but her phone screen, would not feel the presence of her mother behind her, albeit the overwhelming scent of rosemary, won’t know her life is about to change forever until she hears the clash of metal on floor tiles and feels the overwhelming burn of boiling water engulfing her feet that she’s just placed on the floor but a second ago to get up.
In that moment, she only has two thoughts – she should have worn slippers and she should have locked her phone one heartbeat earlier.
Later those thoughts would grow and multiply like cancer cells, slowly overtaking her body and mind.
She shouldn’t have checked the time at all. Lisa shouldn’t have been sent on that TDY to Busan. She shouldn’t have gone. Roseanne shouldn’t have missed her this much. She shouldn’t have used a picture of them kissing as her lockscreen. She should have bought a watch. She shouldn’t have kept such a picture of them at all. She should have prayed harder. Lisa shouldn’t have kissed her. She should have pushed her away. She shouldn’t have stopped going to church. She should have stayed away on that cold December day. She shouldn’t have declined to go out with Chanyeol when her parents extended the invitation. It should never had snowed.
She shouldn’t have been born.
The sunny weather lasted only a day, the snow had all melted and turned into ice. The cold is seeping in through every crack and crevice in her car, but the battery died a while ago and the warmth has long slipped away through the floor.
She can feel it freezing every part of her body, but her feet. She still can’t feel anything in those.
Maybe she should’ve accepted the key Lisa offered her to her apartment on the very first day she moved out, paying the rent and deposit with her first pay check, but that would have made it real and Chaeyoung wasn’t ready for real.
Maybe she deserved this, to be curled in a ball in the tight cramped space of her Kia’s backseat, shaking uncontrollably from the cold or from crying, she didn’t know anymore. Maybe both. To feel the tips of her fingers and ears, her nose, pulsating, aching, until she couldn’t feel them at all.
To go to sleep only to wake up in another nightmare, until she couldn’t be bothered to wake up at all.
Lisa finds her like this the next morning, almost frozen solid, barely breathing in the parking lot of her building. Her job has taught her to act first and ask questions later, so she swallows the initial shock and springs into action.
Chaeyoung wakes up midway through the elevator ride, confused, incoherent, but all Lisa can really think about is getting her to warmth and safety first.
The blonde keeps going in and out of it as Lisa undresses her, because she couldn’t tell if her clothes were wet or just cold and she didn’t care either way. She’s sandwiched between two piles of blankets on the living room couch and Lisa turns up the heat until she starts sweating in her uniform shirt.
Lisa paces back and forth, puts her jacket on and heads to the door before coming back inside, picks up her phone to dial before putting it back down again and she doesn’t know quite what to do with herself except worry and then worry some more and she will forever describe this as one of the most challenging moments in her life if the footsteps she wore into the carpet or the clusters of hair she pulled from her head had anything to say about it.
It feels as if she’d been holding her breath, but only ever realized after the colour returned to the younger’s face, the red to her cheeks and lips, and she finally stopped shivering and she could breathe again, breathe deeply into her lungs like she’s tasting air for the first time.
She was right there on her knees next to the couch when Rosie finally blinked awake, opening her eyes wide and fully for the first time since she found her and it only took her a second to focus, remember, before they were pooling with tears.
‘’They found out.’’
She’d cried herself to sleep every single night after that, some days waking up with the tear stains that have already become permanent on her face. It’s four days until Christmas, it hadn’t snowed again and she’s crying for an entirely different reason now.
‘’Chae, c’mon, when will you let me in?’’ Lisa’s back on her post in front of the door of the bedroom Chaeyoung’s locked her out of, feeling like a statue already with all the time she’d spent rooted there in the past two days. ‘’Take your food at least, it’s still warm.’’
When muffled sobbing is all she gets back, she already knows what to do. There’s a ring of spilled soup on the floor already from yesterday’s untouched dinner where Lisa places this one too, sliding right next to it with her back against the door, head buried in the forearms propped against her knees.
She feels utterly helpless, defeated. Angry. So angry she wants to punch something and never stop, mostly Chaeyoung’s parents, but also herself.
It was just an innocuous suggestion, one prompted by her overwhelming need to help, to fix this even at the cost of her own heart that shattered just as painfully as the words left her lips.
‘’We could break up. You could get them back.’’
She thought she was being the bigger person, doing right by the girl she loved. Because that’s what you do when you love somebody, right? You put them above yourself, above your needs. If it were up to her, she would have locked herself and Chaeyoung in their little castle forever, fought to tooth and nail to protect her, what they had, this love they held between their intertwined hands that felt somehow greater than the both of them, than the universe itself.
But Chaeyoung loved her family as much as life itself, there wasn’t a moment where she wasn’t talking about them and if there was, it was because she was with them. And who was Lisa to compete with that? If she was the obstacle standing in their way, she’d remove herself and let her go, no matter how much it hurt.
Well, to Chaeyoung that sounded like a load of bullshit. She didn’t even let Lisa finish her thought before she sprung up from the couch about to unleash days worth of pent up anger on the unsuspecting Thai.
‘’Do you hear yourself right now?! You want me to go back to a family that doesn’t want me, a family that’d leave me out for days in the cold without batting an eye? That doesn’t care if I live or die just because I didn’t turn out to be who they wanted me to be? Where I’ll never be accepted for who I am? Or do you want me to change? To hide who I am just to please them and then get married off to some guy they picked for me and live the rest of my life miserably? If you don’t wanna be with me anymore you can just say that!’’ She raged on, brushing her angry tears away.
‘’What? No! I’m just trying to help you, Rosie, I thought you’d want-‘’
‘’You have no idea what I want!’’ Chaeyoung exploded, taking Lisa by surprise. She’d never seen her like this and she had no idea how to navigate this broken version of her, how to make it hurt less.
In hindsight, maybe she could’ve handled this better, but it was scaring her – these deep waters she suddenly found herself thrown in.
‘’Well, do you?!’’ She responded in kind, frustration getting the best of her. ‘’These past few days all you’ve been doing is crying and shutting me out, Rosie. You won’t talk to me, you won’t let me in and I don’t know how to help you. It’s exhausting.’’
In hindsight, maybe she could’ve contained that word vomit a little bit better.
Chaeyoung actually took a step back, her face blank, eyes pooling with a new set of tears.
‘’If it’s such a problem for you, you should’ve said something earlier. I’ll be out of your hair as soon as possible, since it bothers you so much.’’ She spat out bitterly, turning around to storm inside the bedroom, leaving Lisa frozen in her place as the sound of the door slam and lock reverberated inside her apartment.
‘’C’mon, Rosie, you know that’s not what I meant-‘’ As soon as she took a hold of herself, Lisa followed, fist banging at the door and voice pleading.
It’s how she’d spent the past three days, heart in her throat every time she came home from work, hoping she’d find the door of her bedroom still locked and Chaeyoung’s duffel bag still by the coffee table, because as much as she hated being shut out by the one person she loved with all of her heart, she’d still take Chaeyoung’s presence, albeit silent, over her haunting absence.
It was a dreadful routine, what they found themselves in ever since that argument. In the mornings before work, she’d run to the nearest bakery, buying a bunch of Chaeyoung’s favourite pastries and a herbal tea to leave out on the table, still warm, with a sticky note attached, containing yet another apology. Coming back home in the late evening, she’d find them untouched, the tea gone cold and the dough rigid. They’d get lodged in her throat as she’d dine with them, feeling like it’d be too much of a waste to throw them away.
She’d still place a take out order for two from this budget place down the street, already gone through all of the items on the humble menu, ending up with yet another Tupperware container of untouched soup piling up inside of her fridge. Stuck between kicking in the bedroom door and paying it off with her next salary or giving Chaeyoung the space she needs, she’d crawl under her makeshift bed on the couch and chase a restless sleep, only to repeat the same cycle come tomorrow.
It’s the late night hours of Christmas eve and she’s fluffing up the throw pillows, her stiff neck still not healed from the previous night, when she hears the sound of the lock in the dark living room, her body immediately tensing up.
In the small sliver of light crawling up the floors from the bedroom, she recognizes the silhouette moving towards her with quiet tentative steps, until there’s a shadow towering over her from the side of the couch.
‘’Hey-‘’ She starts unsurely, turning her body towards the intruder.
‘’Hi.’’ Chaeyoung responds meekly, her voice barely a whisper.
Though she can’t quite see it, she can feel Chaeyoung’s eyes on her and her face grows warm.
‘’I, uh- ‘’ The older starts, her voice a bit firmer and rough after days of crying. ‘’There’s a spider on the wall and- it’s quite big, I thought- I thought you should know.’’ She rants off quickly, flustered and if Lisa wasn’t so stunned that she was finally talking to her, she’d probably laugh at the way she’s trying to play off how absolutely terrified she must be.
‘’Uh, sure, I’ll- ‘’ Lisa looks away, suddenly flustered. ‘’I’ll take care of it.’’
Her heart is going a hundred per minute as she stands up, her vision blacking at the speed of her movement.
Without a word, Chaeyoung sits down on the place she’s just risen from to wait for her room to be cleared, Lisa supposes, heading to tend to it.
‘’Lili,’’ her voice stops her dead in her tracks, alarmed at the following sound of barely contained sniffles.
Without needing to think, Lisa crosses back to the living room to stand next to her, heart sinking at the defeat she finds in her eyes as Chaeyoung looks up at her through tears. ‘’I’m sorry-‘’
Immediately, she sinks to her knees in front of the older, hands reaching up to hold her face. ‘’I’m sorry-‘’ Lisa shushes her, bringing her into an embrace as Chaeyoung crumbles into her on the floor, her cries muffled by the fabric of her shirt.
Her heart clenches with every tear she feels falling on her neck as she runs gentle hands up and down the blonde’s back in hopes of soothing the painful sobs wrenching through her body. ‘’Baby, you’ve cried so much already,’’ she whispers in the dead of night, feeling the jagged exhales against her skin. ‘’My heart breaks seeing you like this.’’
‘’I’m sorry-‘’ Chaeyoung repeats, lost in her grief.
‘’You don’t need to apologize, Rosie,’’ she shakes her head vehemently, fighting her own tears. ‘’Just tell me what I can do to take it away.’’
They stay like this for a while, so long it feels like their knees have formed a dent into the floorboards, but eventually Chaeyoung calms down and Lisa’s heart slowly starts climbing back up to her chest from the depths of her stomach. She makes her a cup of chamomile tea when she finds her stable enough to sit on her own.
‘’I’m gonna be right back, baby. Please, drink some water.’’ She reassures when Chaeyoung whimpers upon their separation, handing her a glass. ‘’Are you hungry?’’
The blonde shakes her head. ‘’You gotta eat something. You’re so thin.’’ She fusses.
‘’Tomorrow, Lili. Please.’’
‘’Okay.’’ Lisa relents. “Okay.’’
After she makes sure they’ve both finished their teas and Chaeyoung has drank at least another full glass of water, she guides her into the bedroom, the spider nowhere to be found.
‘’I can’t go back there.’’ Chaeyoung informs gravely after Lisa’s tucked her in under the comforter.
‘’I know. I wouldn’t let you anyway.’’
‘’Are you sure? You sounded more than willing to a few days ago.’’ Chaeyoung can’t help but jab, the spot still sore.
‘’I don’t know why I said that. I wasn’t thinking.’’ The Thai responds, remorseful. She’s folding a fresh batch of Chaeyoung’s clothes from the dryer, avoiding her eyes.
‘’I want you here, Rosie.’’ She makes sure to look at her as she says this, wanting her to believe it. ‘’I can’t offer you much right now, but if you’d let me I’ll work hard to make this a good enough home for the both of us.’’ She drops a T-shirt neatly on top of the pile, her free hands wringing together as her nerves get the best of her.
‘’Is this your way of asking me to move in?’’ Chaeyoung chuckles weakly, a little smile rising to her lips. The sight of it paired with puffy eyes makes Lisa’s heart flutter.
‘’Yeah,’’ she confirms, nervous, even though they both know Rosie doesn’t have other options to consider. ‘’I know you and the spiders don’t always agree, but I hope my offer is more enticing than your car.’’
The cheeky remark earns her a light smack from a pillow. She rounds the bed to put it back, nudging the older’s side to free up some space for her. The moment she settles down, she pulls Chaeyoung to her side, kissing the top of her head as she nuzzles in. ‘’This is not how I wanted this to go.’’ She speaks softly, voice muffled by strands of blonde hair with the scent of mango.
At Chaeyoung’s silence, she continues ‘’I was going to wait for promotion. Apply to every bank until someone approved me for a loan and then find a place downtown, closer to your hospital, because you’re still so scared to drive.’’ Lisa laughs at the sting of the pinch on her side, the grumpy grumble hidden in her neck. ’’Preferably a place where the ceiling won’t be leaking. It’d still need a lot of work probably. I’d be scraping old moulded wallpaper off the walls while you nag me about the mess I’m making. I’d let you talk me into painting the bedroom that horrid pale green you like so much, because I’d never hear the end of it otherwise..’’ She yelps suddenly as Chaeyoung bites the side of her neck in warning, laughing it off as she leans away to avoid another attack, ‘’but it’d grow on me eventually.’’ The Thai relents for the sake of peace.
‘’You’d have threatened to break up with me at least thrice by the time I’d be done with renovating, but at the end of it, I’d take you out to dinner that consists of more than trashy Chinese take-out and you’d forget about it. I’d let you drink way more wine than you can handle and I’d take you home, granted it didn’t burn down from the candles I’d have lit up. You’d wonder what to nag me about first – that or old Hyunjin’s murdered roses I’d have decorated the bed with, but then I’d pop the question to distract you and by the time you remember it again, we’d have broken in the new mattress already.’’ Lisa finishes with a knowing smirk, proud when it pulls a laugh out of the blonde.
‘’You’re very confident.’’ The words tingle on her neck.
‘’Within reason.’’ She retorts as her hand starts to glide up and down Chaeyoung’s back, finding a soft rhythm. ‘’Maybe it would’ve happened differently,’’ Lisa wonders out loud, gaze stuck on the ceiling as she loses herself in another day-dream. ‘’Maybe you become a mad successful K-pop idol and we find ourselves in a mansion with more rooms that we can count. Or I get laid off work and we end up becoming roomies with a bunch of sewer rats.’’ Chaeyoung barks out a loud laugh at that, a sound so contagious that the Thai joins her as they sit there writhing around for a minute, their sides sore.
‘’Point is, everything can be a home as long as you’re there, Rosie.’’
‘’Respectfully, if you end up in a sewage, I’mma stick to loving you from afar. Long distance relationships are in right now.’’
Lisa laughs again, delighted with her girlfriend’s wits. ‘’I’d still love you if you were a rat, though.’’
‘’Please,’’
‘’I would!’’ The Thai protests, almost offended. ‘’You’d be the cutest little blonde rat too.’’ Although she bursts out laughing, Chaeyoung still smacks her.
‘’I’d build you a little house of your own and cut you dresses out of my old jeans.’’
‘’So resourceful,’’ the blonde grumbles, rolling her eyes.
‘’It’d be so adorable!’’ Lisa continues to gush, undeterred. ‘’We’ll put a little bow on your head so people know you’re a girl rat when I take you out on walks. You’re gonna be so cute, Rosie.’’
‘’Stop day-dreaming about me turning into a rat, Lisa. It’s not happening.’’ Chaeyoung warns, annoyed.
‘’You never know, baby. What if I wake up tomorrow to you squeaking and biting through my cable wires? You wouldn’t want me to just abandon you on the streets, would you?’’
‘’Yah, Lisa, you’re not gonna be waking up tomorrow at all if you keep this up!’’
‘’There, there my little squeaky. Don’t be upset now.’’ Lisa pats her head in comfort as Chaeyoung fights to push her away.
‘’Unbelievable.’’
The first Christmas away from home welcomes Chaeyoung with the sound of a soft pattering against windows and the scent of cocoa and freshly-baked cinnamon rolls wafting off of her bedside table. She leans up on her elbows to blink against the sunlight rushing in, the sight of tree tops covered in white making her eyes grow wide.
‘’It snowed.’’ She informs Lisa, who’d just rounded the bed after placing a tray of warm breakfast on her side.
‘’Yeah, I woke up at around six and it was snowing steadily. It’s mostly rain now, but the forecast is predicting more in the afternoon.’’ She’s staring out the window with her hands on her hips like Chaeyoung’s dad does occasionally, the reminder nestling itself uncomfortably in the fresh, bleeding wound.
At her silence, Lisa turns around, ‘’good morning,’’ she greets with an easy smile, leaning down to kiss her lips chastely. ‘’Feeling like breakfast now? It’s your favourite.’’
Chaeyoung eyes the plate of baked goods warily, ‘’you’re not working?’’ She asks instead, feeling her stomach churn with anxiety.
‘’Took the rest of the week off. They’ll survive without me.’’ Lisa shrugs nonchalantly, waving her off.
‘’And I wouldn’t?’’ The blonde asks, a bit entertained, a larger bit defensive.
‘’Not if you keep starving yourself, you wouldn’t.’’ The Thai’s face blanks, void of amusement.
‘’Lisa- ‘’
‘’No, I know, alright. I won’t pretend I get what you’re going through,’’ she sits down on the edge of the bed, hand reaching for the blonde’s. ‘’You need your time and I understand that. We’ll do this your way, Rosie. We’ll take it day by day. All I ask is that you talk to me, baby. I wanna help, I want to be here for you in any way I can.’’ She brings Chaeyoung’s hand to her lips, kissing the back of it slowly.
‘’I just-‘’ the blonde sighs, frustrated. ‘’I don’t know what to do.’’ She buries her face in the hand that’s not occupied by Lisa’s fingers as their reality downs on her, heavier than ever.
‘’And you don’t have to know right away, Rosie.’’ Lisa takes that hand away too, commanding her attention. ‘’It’s okay to take your time. You’ve got a roof over your head,’’ she looks up at said roof with a grimace, ‘’leaking, but a roof nonetheless. Remind me to change the bucket later and call that bastard Jeonghyun again.’’ Realizing she’s veered off topic, Lisa stirs them back. ‘’Your tuition is paid off for this semester, your parents can’t take that back even if they tried. I’d have saved up enough for your next by the time it starts.’’
‘’I don’t want all of this to be on you, Lisa it’s not-‘’ Chaeyoung protests, trying to pull back and hide away in shame again, but Lisa holds her in place.
‘’It’s not always gonna be like this.’’ She reminds her, stern. ‘’You’re already interning, they’re paying you by the hour. Your grades are excellent, you’re probably the only one who’d be approved for a scholarship for the next semester. They’re going to draft up a contract for you the second you graduate-‘’
‘’You don’t know that,’’
‘’I do.’’ Lisa pulls their intertwined hands to her chest, insistent. ‘’I know because I know you. You eat up those boring textbooks with the covers, Rosie. You’re honestly too smart for this god-forsaken city and even this backwards ass country.’’
‘’I don’t wanna be a burden on you-‘’
‘’You’re not!’’ Lisa huffs out, nearly frustrated. She pauses, reminding herself to be patient. ‘’You’re family. You’re my- ‘’ she cuts herself off, suddenly insecure. Releasing the blonde’s hands, she stands up and turns away, facing the window and the quiet white morning. ‘’Where do you see yourself in ten years?’’ She inquires suddenly, changing her approach.
‘’Ten years?’’ Chaeyoung huffs out a humourless laugh, staring at the side of Lisa’s face in disbelief. ‘’I don’t even know where I see myself tomorrow, how can you ask me that?’’
‘’You don’t? I’ll tell you then,’’ she responds to her glare with an obstinate one of her own. ‘’I see myself in a three bedroom house with a lawn for my dog to run around on or maybe my child,’’ she doesn’t miss how the air catches in the older’s throat at that, ‘’I see myself in an office of my own, delegating tasks to my subordinates with the same mission in mind that I started this job with – to make the place I live in, wherever that might be, a safer place for my family. I see myself coming home every afternoon exhausted, but satisfied by the work I’ve done and I see you in the living room welcoming me, paint splattered on your face and clothes or guitar in your hands after a long day of saving yet another life with your brilliant mind. I see quiet carpools in the morning when we’re both lacking sleep and dead to the world and peaceful nights in bed, falling asleep to a boring movie, only to repeat the same routine tomorrow. I see petty arguments over chores or stupid misunderstandings that we’ll make up about in an hour because we both love each other more than our egos and our pride.’’
She sits down on the bed, facing Chaeyoung with a soft look, an expression clouded over by a peaceful daydream, something so far-away and yet so close, she could almost reach out and grab in her hand,
‘’You’re my future, Chaeng – ‘’ Lisa reaches out towards her, pulling her hands into her lap. ‘’I don’t really care what it looks like as long as you’re in it. And I’m willing to do everything I have to to make it happen.’’
‘’What if you wake up tomorrow and you don’t want that future anymore?’’ Chaeyoung voices her concerns out, disarmed.
‘’You say that, but do you know how many nights I’ve gone to bed replaying it over and over in my head?”
‘’How many?’’ Chaeyoung combats defiantly.
‘’More than I can count, surely.’’
She laughs, shaking her head in fond amusement. ‘’I’m a mess right now. I don’t know how long it’s gonna take-‘’
‘’And I don’t care.’’ Lisa stops her overthinking in its tracks, derailing the train of self-deprecation entirely. Wrapping an arm around Chaeyoung’s slender shoulders, she pulls her in and kisses the side of her head. “I love you just like this. I’ll take care of everything, just say you want this too.’’
The blonde sighs. She wants to fight this, she really does, but she’s rendered powerless in the face of Lisa’s ever-glowing positivism and her steel-solid determination. ‘’I do.’’
She feels the warmth of those eyes spreading all over her body. ‘’You do?’’
Rolling her eyes in defeat, she gives in, shutting her insecurities out for just this moment. ‘’Yes, I want it all. The grumpy mornings, the boring nights and everything in between. I want you. You’re my future too.’’
Suddenly, Lisa feels shy, ducking away from the earnestness in the look of her eyes, the sincerity in her voice. She feels Chaeyoung moving – leaning away from Lisa and back into the headboard. ‘’Come here,’’ she pulls her along, arms open, smile confident and assured, knowing that the road ahead won’t always be this easy, but regardless of their circumstances, one thing is for sure – Lisa will always choose to fall into her.
It was noon the last time she checked the clock on her phone, Lisa’s still out running errands and the dark cloud weighing on the sky outside seems to have slipped its cold fogs inside the bedroom through the window pane cracks and settled heavily on her chest once she was alone with her thoughts.
She wonders if her parents are having breakfast right now, if they’re going about their day as if nothing has happened, if her presents were already stored under the mattress of their bed to be left there collecting dust forever, if they were even wrapped at all. She doesn’t notice that her eyes are watering again, her tears falling quietly in her lap like the drizzle outside, until she blinks and the bedroom is out of focus, faces in pictures all blurry except the joyful twinkles in the eyes all staring at her from every corner of the room, mocking her.
This one in particular on the wall right across the bed - slightly smaller than all the other standard frames and crookedly hung, with the big evergreen spruce in an even bigger ceramic pot, decorated in tasteful matte maroon and shining silver in the background behind herself and Lisa cheesing at the camera at fifteen years old.
She remembers her mom being so proud of it that December after having grown and nurtured it for years to finally see it dashed in the warm colours of their family’s favourite holiday.
The memory of that moment comes back to her clear as ever, the day that she’ll forever describe as the happiest Christmas she’s ever had or maybe will ever have, now that everything has unfolded the way it has.
2012
It’s a cold, snowless Christmas Eve morning, when fifteen year old Roseanne decides on a whim that Lisa should be invited to dinner at her house tonight. It’s freezing, the temperature outside easily below zero, with the bite of late-December wind reddening her cheeks as she heads out to pick up her delivery and she needs that extra bit of warmth that the presence of her family at the dinner table would provide. All of her family, and that included Lisa now. Actually, it’s been this way since she could remember, really, but this year was the first where she could do anything about it.
After a short talk with her parents and a quick text exchange between the two best friends, it was settled. The Manobans would be arriving at seven and Lisa would be sleeping over, that wasn’t to be negotiated because Chaeyoung wanted her there for the gift opening.
It didn’t take a lot to convince her parents, they loved Lisa in that fond, but exasperated way you love the troublemaker cousin of the family and it’s not like Lisa’s mother and step-father had anything better to do, considering that for them it was just another ordinary night like any other.
But it meant the world to Chaeyoung, to have her there to kick under the table every time she got teased about one thing or another or to pass the potato salad to for the third time – laughing at the hums and clicks of appreciation as Lisa shoved it in her mouth like a woman starved, the shower of compliments on her cooking excellence from both Lisa and her step-dad that she kept trying to humbly wave off and hide her blushing cheeks away from Alice’s observant gaze, because she knew her sister, that little shit, would never let her live it down.
To snuggle up to Lisa under her mistletoe-patterned duvet and not have a single part of her body not pressed into the younger on the single bed and feel funny in her belly every time Lisa unconsciously moved against her in her slumber. For sleep to evade her for hours as her heart drummed against her chest loud and almost panic-inducing.
Lisa’s easy smile in the morning as they brushed their teeth side to side and her tinkly laugh when she caught Chaeyoung stealing blueberries from her plate of pancakes was enough for her to know Christmas would never be the same without Lisa again.
‘’They’re waiting for us in the living room, are you ready?’’ She talks to Lisa’s back from the doorway as the younger’s head pops out of the other end of a sweater, two long and thin arms following next, one right after the other.
‘’Yeah, but can I- um, can I give you my gift here first before we go?’’
‘’Your gift? Lisa, you know you didn’t have to.’’ Chaeyoung gently closes the door behind her as she steps inside the room, face softening at the nervous way in which Lisa is avoiding her eyes.
‘’But it’s Christmas.’’ Lisa kneels next to the backpack she brought with herself last night, producing a small ivory-coloured box tied together with black ribbon and a bow on top. Chaeyoung waits for the younger to come to her patiently as she seems to contemplate something and finally the little gift box finds its way into her hands.
‘’You don’t celebrate Christmas.’’ Chaeyoung notes, but still gratefully accepts the gift. She stares down at it curiously, wondering how something so small can cause her best friend such apprehension.
‘’But you do.’’
She looks up, touched. Lisa must see it in her eyes, because then her face relaxes back to the content smile she’d been sporting since she woke up in the morning to the sound of Roseanne humming Christmas carols between sips of ginger tea.
‘’I got you something too. Let’s open them together.’’ From underneath her bed she pulls out a bigger box neatly wrapped in reindeer patterns.
‘’Really? What is it?’’ The younger’s eyes twinkle with childlike joy at the sight of it in Chaeyoung’s hands.
‘’I know you’re new to this, Lili, but that’s why we wrap them. You’re not supposed to know until you open it.’’ She chuckles, passing it over to the suddenly giddy Thai.
Impatient as she was, Lisa still took great care in unwrapping the box with almost robotic concentration, her fingers exploring all over to find folds and corners of tape to start from. ‘’You don’t have to preserve the paper, Lisa-yah, I have a whole roll.’’ Chaeyoung laughs at her. ‘’Just rip it.’’
‘’But they’re so cute.’’ The younger pouts at the little jumping reindeer littered all around a forest green background.
‘’Oh, my God, here,’’ she rips it out of her hands and tears the top half open enough to slide the box out. ‘’There you go.’’ She shoves it back into her hands as Lisa’s eyes widen upon sight of the package.
‘’For your memory wall, so you don’t have to drag me to the photo studio every weekend to print out new pictures,’’ she shrugs it off, if only to stop the raging blush from climbing any further up her neck.
‘’Chaeng, -‘’ Lisa starts, but Chaeyoung’s not ready to hear the rest of it, so she speaks up, interrupting her. ‘’It’s nothing, Lili. Merry Christmas.’’
‘’My turn.’’ This rips Lisa’s attention away from her new baby blue polaroid camera, but before she could rush in and explain herself, her best friend’s already lifted the lid and was staring down at the contents with fondness.
At her questioning gaze, Lisa looks up, grinning cheekily and Chaeyoung already knows she’s going to hate whatever’s about to come out of her mouth. ‘’Because you’re my chipmunk Chae and chipmunks always need their acorns.’’
‘’You’re such an idiot,’’ Chaeyoung laughs out loud, bringing her into a hug to hide away her glossed-over eyes.
She feels Lisa’s hands wrap around her back, pulling her close. ‘’I love you, Rosie. Merry Christmas.’’
"Do you know what I realized that day?’’
Chaeyoung startles. She didn’t notice when Lisa had walked in and leaned her shoulder against the doorframe with her arms crossed, watching her. She didn’t even hear the front door or her footsteps towards the bedroom.
The hand that was caressing the cold silver pendant laid against her chest drops to her lap as she acknowledges her girlfriend.
‘’What?’’
Lisa finally steps in and sits right next to her, staring up at the same polaroid that Chaeyoung’s eyes have returned to.
‘’For fifteen years those couple days didn’t mean anything more to me than any other dates on the calendar. But ever since that night, -‘’ she points towards the photo with a chin, ‘’- I’ve looked forward to every next Christmas like I’ve loved it for my whole life. Like I’ve loved you. I don’t have a whole library of Hallmark movies or a two meters tall Christmas tree, but you’ve lit up the last ten Decembers of my life and although I know this one is a little different, I want to make it a good memory for you.’’
She shuffles to pull something out from behind her back and Chaeyoung didn’t even realize she had it until it was in her lap. A medium sized box, wrapped prettily in red and white paper.
‘’Open it.’’ She nudges her gently.
Chaeyoung’s hands are slightly trembling as she rips a strip of paper from the top and clumsily unveils a simple white carton box. She struggles a little with prying it open, but the lid gives in eventually, revealing the top of a glass dome. Lisa watches as she slides it out and brings it up to her face to inspect, as her face softens when she realizes what she’s looking at. She turns to Lisa then, her eyes pooling with tears and shining, knowing.
‘’You’ll always have a home with me, Rosie.’’
The blonde tilts her head up with a petulant whine, hoping gravity would do its job and guide her tears back. The hand that isn’t holding the snow globe smacks Lisa’s shoulder repetitively as the younger shakes with laughter. The globe rolls off of the blonde’s lap where she unceremoniously dropped it in order to carry out a pillow attack, down to the carpeted floor with a soft thud, setting off a pretty white blizzard inside of its dome.
Underneath it all, two figures are frozen in a slow dance, skating on top of smooth ice that shines in multicolour under the strobing lights of the small Christmas tree in the corner of Lisa’s bedroom.