Why me?

Title: A pen to break the silence?

Niche tropes in this story include: Perfectionist MC, suicidal BF (Best friend.)

Disclaimer: I will be trying to avoid following into disrespectful stereotypes of suicidal people, but if I do follow into a common, not-so-respectful stereotype please tell me!

PS: This apart of my series called a "blooming friendship" so if you like this fic please check out the main storyline.

And just to make this clear to avoid some confusion, this is the backstory of one of the MCs named Lorraine! If you like Lorraine's personality here, just know she's a bit different in the main fic.

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I place the bouquet of flowers on the grave, letting out a resigned sigh. "Thank you, Loretta..." I breath out, holding back tears and shaking.

"I miss you..." I croaked, tears already forming in my eyes, "... But I did something—" I broke into tears mid-sentence.

"Something I think you would do, too. Something you'd do if you were..." I couldn't bring myself to finish my statement.

"I'm going to the Philippines," I tried to continue, "To help a few distant relatives and... And..." My mind went blank.

And what? What am I going to do? How am I supposed to help?

So instead of finishing my sentence, I switched the topic.

"Happy anniversary, by the way."

I simply said, forcing a gentle smile on my face — It was an expression I've perfected, one I remember Loretta wore the night at the hospital.

"I forgot to tell you something," the fake smile softened, "I love you."

"I love you and I hope... That maybe, just maybe, we'd be soulmates in another life." I stepped close to the grave, before sitting in the grass next to it.

I've forgotten her scent at this point.

I've forgotten how her dimples cracked her pale skin, showing like cracks in marble.

I've forgotten the sound of her heartbeat.

I've forgotten the feeling of her soft, embellished skin under my fingertips.

"I... I forgot it all..." I hiss.

Nothing could describe the self-hatred, the guilt, the regret.

Nothing.

Did I do something that led her to this point?

Why did she have to die instead of me? I deserve it. I used her, abused her, and discarded her in the end.

Worst of all, I fear that I started the spiral that led to her demise.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ — When I broke her heart —

"I wish you were a boy..." I mumbled to her sleeping figure before leaning in to bite her earlobe and gently nibbling at it.

I didn't necessarily mean what I said, it was more of something I said out of pure randomness than anything else.

Yet those words led to a tragic outcome.

Suddenly, her breathe hitched.

"Hm? Something wrong, Loretta?" I stop my biting shenanigans for a moment, looking into her eyes.

They were as black as a void, but reminded me of the night sky due to the sparkle in her eyes having the look of stars.

The stars are so beautiful yet so far, I could stare at them for hours.

"W-what?" She stuttered.

"What?" I repeated after her, confusion laced in my tone.

"You... You don't love me...?" She hesitated, as if scared of my answer.

"No, why did you think I was, silly? I'm not a lesbian!" I let out a chuckle.

"Then..." She went silent for a while before continuing, "What are we? I-I thought we had something special..."

My grip on her waist loosened, a surprised expression flashed on my face before it clicked.

I burst out laughing, sitting up and clutching my stomach. "No way..." A stupid grin made its way onto my face.

"We're just friends!" I reminded, still giggling.

She sat up too, looking heartbroken.

"Oh don't give me that look, come here, my beautiful girl..." I attempted to grab her and lay her head on my chest, but she resisted.

"Don't..." She spit out with pure venom, her nose recoiling in a look similar to hatred but not quite, "... Don't touch me."

"Oh?" My grin turned into a soft smirk, "Don't sulk, please..." I spoke with an underlying sense of teasing.

"Get out," She demanded with such firmness that I couldn't help but freeze, "Now."

"You can't possibly be that upset at me," I reasoned with her, attempting to pull her closer, "Please..." I let out a whimper.

— The rest is a blur by now, but I remember one line vividly like it was yesterday.

"I regret loving you, y'know that?"

She just spat out the line like it was casual, yet to me it felt... So strange.

So heartbreaking.

I shouldn't be feeling like this, right?

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ — Back to the present —

A notebook in my lap, clutching onto its leather cover as I tensed up. My eyes bounced stranger from stranger. Every face, every voice, they seemed so familiar.

Then, I opened the notebook.

This was from Loretta, this was the only thing I have to remind myself of her.

It used to smell like her.

Like apple pies.

Her favorite dessert.

There, written on the first page, was a lengthy rant. Skimming through it, it was a normal introduction (if you ignored the mentions of suicide, that is.)

Then the next page was composed of different suicide methods heavily researched, and planned.

On one specific note was a date, like a deadline. It was circled using a red pen and sat on the page by itself, nothing but a date.

At the end of the notebook was a few poems.

One titled "A poem for my darling Lorraine" caught my eye.

The poem was filled with sappy lines, but my favorite is a line that went...

"I always protected my heart from fools, but for you my heart is full. Full of love and sadness that cannot be describe, as you will never be mine."

She loved me and it showed.

At the bottom was a song title.

Dreamer - by Laufey.

Her favorite songs were always featured at the bottom, they were her inspiration for the poems she wrote so passionately.

!

And suddenly I found myself listening to Dreamer by Laufey while waiting in the airport for my flight to the Philippines.

"And no boy's gonna to be smart as to try and pierce my porcelain heart,,

"And no boy's going to kill the dreamer in me,,

Suddenly, someone tapped on my shoulder.

"Huh?" I turned my head to get a good look at the person. I saw a middle aged man, balding as we speak and a waistline that would make those overweight mukbangers look skinny.

"Can I help you?" I raised an eyebrow.

"You look familiar..." The man beamed, a confident grin on his face.

"Let me guess..." I pretended to ponder, "I look like your wife, right?" I rolled my eyes, the lack of amusement transparent.

The man's confident expression turned into one of embarrassment within a few seconds.

"How'd you know, pretty girl?" He stammered, trying to maintain his false mask of confidence.

"I've heard that pick-up line so often that it's boring. Be original." I stated with enough bluntness in my tone to shut him down completely.

"Passengers of random ass plane to bubblefucknowhere please see to it that you are seated in your assigned place in 10 seconds." The speakers announced out of the blue, the person speaking sounding as if they were sleep deprived and in desperate need of coffee.

"Oh fuck! Get out of my way bastard!" I pushed him to the ground and sprinted to aisle 3 for my flight.

After batting my pretty light eyelashes at the airport employees, I was able to make it despite being a minute late.

Walking down the rows of people, zooming towards to my first class seat, I saw a girl.

A girl that looked like her.

Sleeping peacefully, without a care in the world...

....With her girlfriend's arms around her, enveloping her in a warm embrace.

Okay is the world just taunting me at this point?

I walked past them, trying to ignore the nagging feeling in my chest.

Once out of the airport, I waited for the Uber. While waiting, the same guy into me. AGAIN.

"Woah pretty girl!" He exclaimed with a grin, "This must be faith!"

"More like this must mean you're stalking me!" I accused him, pointing an index figure at him.

He scoffed, offended at the accusation, "No way! I'm not a creep..." He grunted, "You know nothing about me!"

I wanted to speak but paused.

Damnit he has a point.

"What..." I started, already knowing I'm going to regret this, "What's your name, hm?" My voice cracked as my eye twitched.

"I'm Eros!" The man introduced himself, putting his hands on his hips.

I noted him subtly swaying his hips, like a habit of his. The sunlight hitting his face highlighted his greek features, his soft hair was a nice dark brown, similar spruce wood.

The way he moved reminded me of my zesty brother back in America. Although not to his level (fortunely), this man is reminisce of my brother.

Was this guy gay and in denial or...?

Then, he said something that made me freeze.

"And I'm going to prove to you why I deserve your hand in marriage!"

"Seriously, Eros?" I didn't know why, but this guy makes me upset.

It's not deep hatred, but just a slight pain in my chest.

"Seriously! I'm going to prove it to you by helping you, giving you anything you'll ever want!"

...Well... He seems nice enough.

Why not give him a chance? It'd be fun to see him fail to get with me.