Carina stirs the delicious sauce in the pot as the clock switches from 5:59 to 6:00, causing her to frown as she looks out the window located in front of the sink, watching as the snowflakes fall down, coating the porch with a layer of white December snow.
She attempts to distract her mind from many things, one of them being Maya's hour late arrival home from work. Maya promised she would be home by 5:00 to spend a few hours together before Carina heads to work for her night shift.
Their schedules have been burdensome lately, with none of their days off lining up, leaving them having to find time in between to spend with each other. And while she understands the importance of Maya's job, she can't help but be frustrated at the late arrival.
Instead of festering on it, she continues to stir the sauce in the pot, hoping that by the time Maya returns home, the spaghetti won't be cold.
Hearing a car beep near the front of the house, followed by the rattling of keys in the front door lock, Carina sets the wooden spoon down, throwing her hands on her hips just in time for Maya to step foot inside the house.
"Maya! Where have you been? I've been waiting for over an hour. Dinner is going to be cold," Carina states matter of factly out of pure frustration, and a little bit of her own hunger.
Not getting a response from her wife, one that would normally tease Carina for her impatience, she turns her head toward the door, watching as Maya closes it behind her, heading straight for their bedroom, her head hung low.
Carina watched as Maya skipped her daily ritual of placing her work bag down by her shoes before heading straight for her direction to place a kiss on her cheek while she complains of Maya smelling like smoke.
Again, Carina frowns as she sets the spoon back down, turning off the stove. Dinner can wait, it's waited long enough tonight.
Carina leaves the kitchen and rounds the corner, stopping in front of the closed bedroom door. They weren't the type to shut the door, normally leaving it open at all times of the day.
She brings her hand up, knocking on the door and waiting for a response, only to get met by silence. Her concern only grows, replacing any past frustration and annoyance.
"Bambina? Can I come in?" Carina asks, making sure her voice is soft, not wanting Maya to believe that she's still upset at her for being late.
"Yeah," Maya replies, her voice weak through the door. Carina can't get a good read on it.
Slowly, Carina twists the knob, pushing it open to reveal Maya pulling off her uniform, making it apparent that she didn't change before coming home, something she normally did unless she ran out of time and wanted to get home quickly.
"Are you okay?" Carina asks, keeping her distance to give Maya space, watching Maya's fingers tremble as she unbuttons her top, obviously struggling to do so.
Carina takes a few steps closer, moving to take over for Maya, only to have the blonde turn away, pulling at her buttons with quickness. "I'm fine, Carina. I don't need help," she states, her voice filled with annoyance, though, Carina takes notice of the way Maya refuses to look up and meet her eyes.
"Did something happen at work today?" Carina questions curiously, wondering what has gotten Maya so riled up to the point that she's reverted to her coping tactic of avoidance.
"I don't want to talk about it," Maya answers straightforward, finally pulling her top off and leaving it on the floor as she throws on a hoodie.
"Are you sure because-" Carina starts, only to get interrupted.
"I'm fine!" Maya snaps. "Everything's fine! I just want to be alone right now."
Carina holds back every urge to throw her arms around Maya and hold her close, knowing that something must have happened at work to make her this upset. However, Maya is asking for space, so she will give it to her. For now.
She simply nods, finding it in her to turn around and pause before exiting the bedroom. "There's spaghetti if you get hungry," she supplies as she leaves, shutting the door behind her.
With a sigh, Carina heads back to the kitchen, finding her phone on the counter, and not hesitating as she surfs through her contacts, clicking on Vic's name.
Out of everyone on her wife's team, Vic is one of the only few who she has never had problems with, to the point that they have built a fairly good friendship over the years. She figures Vic is the one to go to for information on why Maya is so upset due to her ability to be blunt and get straight to the point.
The phone rings for a few seconds before Vic picks up. "I figured you would call," she states with a sigh. Blunt.
"What the hell happened?" Carina questions, the frustration beginning to sink back in.
"I figured she would be pretty upset, though, she's not angry with you. She's probably feeling very frustrated with herself," Vic clarifies, and Carina gives her a second to continue, not interrupting. "We had a rough call today. I don't want to tell you too much because it should come from her, but it was a bad house fire and she had to choose between saving a pregnant woman or her daughter."
Carina rubs her forehead, Maya's feelings and reactions already starting to make more sense. "Oh," she sighs. "And?"
"She chose the woman. Ended up losing all of them," Vic states sadly and Carina frowns.
"She made the wrong choice?" Carina asks, surprised. She doesn't know the circumstances and she trusts that Maya would use every bit of information that she knows in order to choose wisely, but she wonders if maybe she happened to be a little biased.
They had been trying to get pregnant, but have yet to be successful. Carina can't help but wonder if Maya couldn't separate her own situation from the family.
"No, the little girl was too far gone. If Maya chose her, she probably wouldn't have even made it out of the house with enough time to save her," Vic explains. "But she's beating herself up about it."
Carina's heart aches, knowing that Maya tends to take all the people she hasn't successfully saved and view it as a personal failure, even if she did everything right. "How come the pregnant woman couldn't be saved?"
"Carina, I would love to help, but she should tell you, when she's ready. I know she's hurting right now. We take the loses and carry them with us and today was rough. Just...be with her and be patient," Vic offers and Carina nods, rubbing her forehead once again, feeling a stress headache beginning to form.
"Grazie, Vic," Carina thanks softly.
"Happy to help," Vic chuckles, causing a small smile to creep up on Carina's lips.
Carina pulls the phone away from her ear, ending the call. She places the device back on the counter, leaning with her elbows on the hard surface, and resting her head in her hands, trying to think this through.
She knew from the minute Maya retreated to the safety of their bedroom that something happened during her shift. Maya has a habit of avoiding any human comfort, or any comfort really, when she's hurting. It's the vulnerability that she can't afford to show until she can no longer hold it back.
It makes it difficult trying to gauge how Carina should help her in a way that makes her feel supported and cared for without pushing Maya further away. It's taken years of practice, but she still hasn't quite mastered it yet.
Standing back up and drumming her fingers against the countertop, Carina pushes her hair back from her face and turns to open the fridge. She collects all the ingredients needed to make one of those disgusting looking green smoothies that Maya loves so much, knowing that when Maya gets anxious or upset, she loses her appetite. She hopes Maya will be able to manage a smoothie, aware that she needs at least something in her stomach.
Once the ingredients are blended, she pours the liquid into a cup, taking it with her as she makes her way back to the bedroom. This time, she knocks as a warning and doesn't wait for a response before opening the door.
Maya is lying in bed on top of the covers, her hands placed on her stomach as she stares at the ceiling, her eyes moving toward Carina's direction upon hearing the door swing open.
"I know I said I would leave you alone, but you should eat something. You probably aren't in the mood for something as heavy as spaghetti, so I made you a smoothie, even though I can't even look at it without wanting to gag," she rambles, coming closer to the side of the bed and holding out the peace offering.
Maya can't hold back a tiny smile as she takes the smoothie from Carina's hand, slowly bringing the straw to her lips just as Carina turns to leave the room to give her some space. "Wait!" Maya says quickly, causing Carina to pause and turn back around. "I'm sorry I snapped earlier," she apologizes, glancing back down at her lap. "Please don't go," she adds, lightly tapping the empty space in bed by her side as she sits up.
Carina slowly nods as she moves to climb in bed next to Maya, still keeping her space as she remains on her side. "Vic kind of told me what happened," Carina admits. "But if you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen."
"Maybe later," Maya sighs, continuing to drink her smoothie. "I can't think about it without hearing the woman's screams as she begs me to save her daughter," she adds, hanging her head low.
Carina places her hand on Maya's back, rubbing in soothing circles, wanting to show Maya that she's here. Her thoughts, her fears, they don't scare her.
"I'm sorry, bambina," Carina offers sympathetically. "I know you did everything you could to save them."
"Not enough," Maya states, her voice low, shaking her head as the guilt eats at her, shouting that she should have done more.
Carina frowns, removing her hand from Maya's back to take her empty hand into her own, giving it a squeeze as her thumb moves to rub repeatedly across the back. "Do you want to watch a movie or something to help take your mind off of it?" Carina asks.
"You have to go to work soon," Maya replies, squeezing Carina's hand and placing her half gone smoothie on the nightstand, sinking down further in bed.
"I'll call off," Carina immediately states, causing Maya to shake her head and sit back up.
"No. I'm fine, Carina. You should go to work," Maya says, but the way she has continued to avoid Carina's eye contact all night, choosing to stare down at her lap tells her otherwise.
"It's fine. Jo owes me one for taking her shift last week. Besides, I want to be here for you," Carina explains. The words you need me linger in her mind, but she chooses to keep that in her thoughts.
Maya doesn't say anything, moving to stare back at the ceiling. Carina drops her hand, turning on her side to face her wife as she scoots down the bed, throwing her arm over Maya's head, resting her cheek on her palm as she just watches.
"I'm sorry you had a bad day," Carina says quietly, not wanting to ruin Maya's peace.
"It happens," Maya whispers, though Carina knows she isn't feeling as calm in her head as she looks on the outside.
"Do you want me to run you a bath?" Carina asks, just now noticing the lingering soot Maya didn't clean off littered in small, light patches across her face.
"I can do it," Maya states, and before Carina can protest, Maya gets up, heading straight for the bathroom, once again closing the door, leaving Carina in the darkly lit bedroom, only the hallway light and the glow from the cracks of the bathroom door lighting the room.
Carina sighs, rolling onto her back as she also stares at the ceiling. She knows Maya's coping strategies go all the way back to her childhood, having to learn from a young age how to self soothe and take care of herself without the support of her parents. She only had herself to pick her back up when she was down. It only makes sense that these instincts would linger into adulthood.
Carina just wishes Maya would remember that she doesn't have to carry her burdens or pain anymore. That she is no longer that little girl with big feelings with no one around who cared enough to help comfort her.
While Maya has made remarkable progress in rewiring her brain with how she approaches her feelings and problems, times like these remind Carina how easy it is to fall back into old habits.
However, Carina will always be there to support her. To lift her back up when she is feeling down. To remind her that she is no longer alone and now has someone to love and care for her, through the good and the bad.
Fighting all her urges to take over for Maya and give her the company that she knows her wife is secretly craving, she strips the bed, pulling the comforter and all the sheets off the mattress and onto the floor. While Maya may want help, Carina also acknowledges the frustration that fills her body when she's upset, and she realizes that sometimes the best thing she can do to support Maya is to give her space. To let Maya come to her when she's truly ready. Anything else risks the possibility of further retreat and anger, and that is the last thing Carina wants.
However, Carina can't just sit back and let her thoughts wander while she worries for her wife. Instead, she tosses the sheets into the basket, taking it with her to the laundry machine. With how busy their work schedules have been recently, cleaning their bedsheets has been pushed to the backburner, so Carina figures now would be as good a time as any to get them washed.
Plus, who doesn't love climbing into a clean bed after a long day?
Once the sheets begin their cycle, Carina heads back to their bedroom closet, finding the clean folded sheets on the shelf inside. Waiting for the laundry to finish to make their bed would take too long.
Quickly making the bed, Carina hears the shower finally turn on, noticing that Maya decided upon a shower instead of a bath. It doesn't surprise her too much. Maya is not one to sit still and only really takes a bath when the two of them bathe together or if her muscles are especially sore after a long shift.
Carina calls into work, asking Jo to take her shift, which she kindly agrees to. Pouring herself a glass of wine, Carina takes a seat on the couch, turning on the nightly news. She is not someone who enjoys watching the news on a daily basis, but it is nice to stay in the loop every once in a while. It is also a good way to pass time which is exactly what she needs right now.
She knows that what Maya experienced should not impact her too much, but it’s hard for her to watch Maya feel like she failed after losing someone on the job. It’s something that she relates to within her own field of work, so she knows well how losses stick with you.
Realistically, Maya will spend the night upset, wake up tomorrow and go on a run, returning good as new. This isn't the first time Maya has lost a civilian and it won't be the last.
Still, Maya's hurt is Carina's hurt. She feels the pain, albeit in a different way, but she's able to understand how Maya is feeling. She hates that this is something that Maya will have to experience time and time again on the job, but that is the price to pay when signing up to become a first responder.
Again, Carina knows loss well.
She's felt grief in her career, as well as her personal life, and each time it hurts just the same. Vic was right when she said that the team carries the losses with them. She has had to do it a few times herself.
The 6:30 news ends as the 7:00 news begins with no sound coming from the bedroom. Maya always jumped in and out of showers, finishing rather quickly. Carina took note of that because she was the complete opposite. Spending long periods of time underneath the warm water helped calm her down after a long day. And while Maya could be doing the same thing, it was out of character.
Pouring the last few sips of wine in her mouth, Carina rinses out the glass in the sink, setting it on the counter nearby to clean later.
Washing dishes is another good way to waste time, but Carina had other things on her mind as she walked straight to the bedroom, noticing that the bathroom door is still closed with the golden light peeking through the cracks.
Inching forward and coming to a stop outside the door, Carina puts her ear to the wood, taking note of the water splashing on the tile, signaling that Maya is still in the shower. As for any other sounds, the bathroom was quiet.
Carina tries the handle, sighing in relief that Maya didn't lock the door as she pushes it open, immediately letting out a breath at the sight of her wife's crumpled up body sitting in the corner of the shower cubicle, the glass foggy to represent the near hour she has spent inside.
"Oh bambina," Carina frowns, opening the shower door and stepping inside, clothes be damned. Maya remains staring at the wall, body shaking as Carina registers the cold water hitting their bodies, drenching her clothes.
"I thought that maybe the cold water would calm me...my thoughts... down. Diane told me that it would," Maya explains, her voice emotionless as she continues to avoid Carina's eyes. As for the words, Carina understood what she was talking about.
Back when Maya was in recovery for her mental health a few months prior, Diane gave her a few suggestions to help pull her from panic attacks and to help calm her racing thoughts, one of them being a cold shower. Maya has utilized the tactic a few times when her anxiety was so bad that nothing would help.
Sometimes it worked, other times it didn't. It looks like this time is the latter.
"You're only supposed to stay in the cold shower for a few minutes, my love," Carina says softly, immediately stepping out of the shower now that she knows her wife is okay. Well, not okay, but not catatonic like she assumed.
"I know," Maya sighs. "I guess I just lost track of time. Sorry," she adds as Carina grabs two towels from the drawer, placing one on the ground as she opens the other, spreading the towel wide as she gestures for Maya to stand.
"It's okay," Carina assures, just glad to see that Maya isn't in worse shape. Maya steps into the towel, freeing Carina's arms to allow her to shut off the shower. She begins to shed her clothes, starting to shiver herself. "Why don't you put on some pajamas and then get into bed. I will join you in a minute," she suggests.
As Maya leaves the bathroom, Carina finishes her task of taking off her freezing clothes as she wraps her own towel around her. She quickly grabs a hairbrush from the sink counter, following Maya into the bedroom.
She smiled as Maya finished putting on her own hoodie, admiring the fact that Maya loves to wear her cozy clothing when she's feeling down. Carina loves the idea that it brings Maya additional comfort.
Maya climbs into bed, lying on her side and pulling the blanket up to her chin, and while Maya isn't saying it verbally, Carina knows that she appreciates the clean sheets from the way that she completely settles into the mattress, allowing the environment to comfort her.
Despite feeling comfortable, Carina can still see the hazy look to Maya's blue eyes, highlighting the sadness that Maya feels deep down. The thought breaks her heart, feeling hopeless as she wishes there was more she could do to take her pain away. To remove the painful images of what she witnessed and silence the woman's screams dancing around in her head.
Carina places the brush on the dresser once she finishes putting on dry clothes. Maya looks too comfortable to disturb. They can deal with tangled hair later.
"Do you want me to make you some tea? Maybe some coffee?" Carina offers as she comes to take a seat on the little spot on Maya's side of the bed in a way where she is able to see her wife's face.
"Thanks," Maya attempts to offer a smile, but it comes off more sorrowful than she intended. "But I would really just like to go to sleep and start fresh tomorrow."
Carina held in a sigh, knowing that as much as that is what Maya wants to do, it doesn't work like that. "I know, tesoro. But I think it would make you feel better if you talked about it. Sure, cold showers are great for slowing down the thoughts up here," Carina starts, tapping her pointer finger against Maya's forehead, earning a small smile. "But the pain will still linger. It won't truly go away unless you open up. Talk to me. I'm here," she assures.
"I know," Maya says, pausing as her eyes move back down to look at the mattress, once again avoiding Carina's eyes. "I just...I don't really want to relive it" she admits, letting out a big breath, holding her emotions in. "It was...what I saw today...It was awful, Carina."
Carina moves off from the bed and settles down on the floor by Maya's side so they are more at eye level. She hovers her hand above the one Maya has resting palm down on the mattress by her face, setting her own on top and giving Maya's a small squeeze.
And she doesn't say a word. She just...exists, giving Maya a safe space to talk or let her emotions out without judgment. That's what Maya needs, and that's what Carina can give.
"I knew as soon as I saw the scene that it wasn't going to be a successful rescue. The whole house was in flames, which means we had to pick quickly," Maya admits, her words starting to fly out of her mouth as she continues to speak. "I hate having to choose one or the other. Who to save, but we were already out of time when we got there. The others worked on putting out the fire, and with only one safe point of entry, only I went in," she explains.
Carina watches as Maya takes a breath in, obviously trying to hold back tears and rein in any vivid images she may be reliving.
"And I had to choose," Maya admits what Carina already knew, her voice beginning to waiver, one step closer to losing her composure. "I almost always pick the children..." she states, her voice trailing off.
"But this time you didn't," Carina adds, filling in the rest of her sentence, to which Maya nods.
"The woman was closer and the daughter was a few rooms down. She wasn't in the best place for me to get to and the woman...she was. So I chose her. And she screamed as I carried her from the house. She demanded that I leave her and save her daughter. Told me how she was only seven and hiding in her closet," Maya recounts. "But she was closer, and as we made it out, the house crumpled behind us."
Maya had tears streaming down her cheeks, but she talked in a way that made Carina unsure if she even realizes that she is crying, her voice low as she attempts to stay emotionless, though, between her shaky voice and tears, Carina knows that this is hurting her more than she would like to admit.
"I was watching the house fall down, almost frozen in place, until I heard the woman begin to cough. When I turned back around, she collapsed, and her eyes rolled into the back of her head," Maya continues. "I checked for a pulse, which she didn't have. I have no idea what happened, but after doing CPR to try and get her back, we couldn't. The hospital pronounced her and her baby dead."
"I'm so sorry, Maya," Carina whispered, letting go of Maya's hand as she sits up in bed, leaning her back against her pillows as she begins to wipe at her tears, just now realizing that she had been crying for the past few minutes. "I know you won't believe me when I say it, but you did everything right. You made a quick decision-"
"But I didn't save them. I lost all of them. Maybe if I had made a different choice-"
"You said that the girl was harder to save because of where she was in the house. If you had tried to save her, the house probably would have crumbled with you..." Carina's voice trailed off, not finishing her sentence. Unable to bring the words to her mouth.
She does everything in her power to avoid thinking about the dangers that come with Maya's job, but on days like this, it becomes more difficult. Maya spends day after day dodging her own death as she runs headfirst into dangerous situations, and Carina tries to ignore the harm it can bring, the scary situations Maya endures because it's what Maya loves to do.
It is not lost on her that had Maya made a different decision, she may have not been sitting next to her alive. Maya's upset and hurting, but alive, and Carina would take that a million times over than the alternative because she's aware that most days leave Maya feeling powerful and on top of the world, not sorrow and guilt.
"You made the right choice," Carina affirms. "With all the information you had at the time, you made the right choice. Sometimes, the right decision isn't enough, especially in our lines of work. But you put your life in danger by running straight into burning buildings with just the mere hope that you will be able to save at least one life. You do that everyday, and most days you do save lives. Sometimes you don't, but that's not on you," she adds. "You tried. You did everything that you could and that woman died knowing that you did."
"I love my job, I do," Maya states, her voice sounding more upset than it did before.
"But?" Carina gently urges, glad that Maya is finally opening up.
"But sometimes it's a lot," Maya adds, sounding defeated, one hand rubbing her forehead. And it is at this moment that Carina is able to see the weight on Maya's shoulders, paired with the bags under her eyes.
"I know," Carina smiles sympathetically, placing the palm of her hand on Maya's cheek as she moves to sit back on the bed next to Maya's side. Her thumb rubs back and forth against Maya's pale skin as she stares into her wife's eyes, fully seeing the exhaustion hidden behind the sadness.
Carina has seen how Maya's job has taken everything out of her time and time again, leaving her completely worn out. She knew that being a first responder was exhausting in itself, but having to carry the weight of all the people you were unable to successfully save could be too much.
As much as she knew this is something Maya experienced, she wishes she had paid more attention. Carina could blame it on her own busy work schedule, or the fact that their schedules have rarely aligned within the last few weeks, but it would be futile. While she is not to blame, Carina understands that she needs to be more on top of making sure that she is checking in on her wife.
They both need to spend more time checking in with each other.
"It's exhausting. Losing people is exhausting, and even saving them is exhausting too. I thrive on the pressure of it all, but sometimes it builds to be too much that I feel..." Maya explains, pausing as she attempts to find the right word to sum her feelings up.
"Drained?" Carina offers and Maya nods.
"It can be draining having to carry the weight of knowing that people's lives are in my hands," Maya admits, running her hands through her hair. "And I know I have no right to complain. It's what I signed up for-"
"You didn't sign up to be burned out," Carina interrupts. "You have every right to complain. I told you I was here to listen and I can tell you that I understand where you are coming from because I sometimes feel that way too."
Maya glances back up from her lap, giving Carina her full attention.
"You sometimes only think about all the good when going into a job. I was so excited to help women become mothers and focus my time studying women's health," Carina explains. "The fact that I would be the first to notice that a patient has cancer or have to tell them that their baby no longer has a heartbeat slipped my mind," she adds. "I wasn't naive. I knew there would be hard parts to my job, but for some reason, I didn't realize how often the hard parts occur."
"Mhm," Maya nods, understanding exactly what Carina is talking about.
"Our jobs do a lot of good, but it's taxing, and it's okay to feel exhausted," Carina states, taking both of Maya's hands into her own. "You have taken care of me after a hard day more times than I can count. Let me do the same for you."
"You always take care of me," Maya says softly with a small genuine smile. Her cheeks turn rosy with the smile in a way that Carina absolutely loves. "But I do suppose that taking care of me is in our vows," she adds with a chuckle, pulling Carina to sit down next to her as she drops her head on her shoulder.
"What vows?" Carina teases and Maya pulls back, giving her playful shove, causing Carina to laugh.
"Hey! You promised to never bring that up," Maya states in a whiny voice, referring to the vows that Maya so happened to forget to write on their wedding day. It was a stupid mistake that she made because of how excited she was for the ceremony itself. Vows completely slipped her mind.
"Sorry, bambina," Carina smirks, pulling Maya closer again as they both sink deeper into bed. Carina remains on her back as Maya turns to her side, throwing an arm over Carina's body and cuddling close.
"I love you," she whispers, placing a kiss on Carina's cheek. "Thank you for being here. I'm sorry I always push you away, it's just…sometimes I need my space."
"Ti amo," Carina replies, rubbing Maya's back. "I'll always be here. Work can be a lot for both of us. It's always the best knowing we get to come home to each other after a long day."
"Mhm," Maya easily agrees, feeling her eyes start to flutter shut, the exhaustion weighing her eyelids down. "Sleep now?"
Carina giggles, pulling the comforter over their bodies, letting the warmth calm her down. "Goodnight, my love," she whispers, holding in her laugh at the fact that Maya is already asleep. Despite not being tired herself, she would rather lay right by Maya's side than be anywhere else.