24 december
Alicent remembered exactly how her friendship with Rhaenyra started. They were eight years old and her dad let her accompanied him to the Targaryen memorable christmas party.
She spent the half of it hiding behind her father until a little blond girl found her and asked her to play with her.
After that the two girls got super close and they were basically inseparable. They would do everything together and talk about anything together. They went through the losses of their mothers and so much more together
But the more they grew, the more fights they would have. It was really stupid when Alicent rethought about it. They would get mad at each other when one felt like the other wasn’t giving her enough attention or they would have those weird periods of jealousy whenever one of them was in situationship. But they would always make peace and act like nothing really happened.
Everything changed at a party they both attended. Someone in their year organised a big party before their June exams to take a break from studying and stress. Rhaenyra forced her to go ‘cause she was the one who clearly needed a break.
The Targaryen spent most of her time flirting with a boy in their year who Alicent couldn’t remember the name. The jealousy that grew in the Hightower mixed with the stress of finals made her break one of her key rules, that is to not drink. She drank a good amount of alcohol. So much so that she ended up drunk alone in the bathroom until Rhaenyra came to find her.
The only thing that she remembered after that was a fight that was followed by a hug and ended with a kiss initiated by Alicent.
The Hightower didn’t talk to Rhaenyra for two weeks after that as she felt like she couldn’t deal with this whole situation and her exams at the same time.
But when those exams were over, Alicent couldn’t help but go to Rhaenyra’s house, and this ended with a fight and kiss too.
They were pretty happy after that. Well happy was a big word since after a time Rhaenyra would often get mad that their relationship was a secret and Alicent would herself deal with her catholic guilt and her shame. So they still fought often but they also had really nice moments.
Everything cumbled around December. It was the first day of winter break and Alicent kissed Rhaenyra in the street without really thinking about it.
Unfortunately for her, a church friend of her father saw them and reported this to him.
Alicent would probably remember this evening her whole life. There was no yelling, but the girl could feel her father's disgust and disappointment. Her dad first told her that his friend saw them before staring at her for probably ten minutes. The heavy silence mixed with her fear made Alicent cry as she looked down at her feet.
Her dad then told her about how he knew that he should have never let her be friends with the Targaryen to begin with, that she always had a bad influence on her and he couldn’t believe that the girl could corrupt her like that by kissing her…
He said that Rhaenyra kissed her.
“Because that’s what happened. Right Alicent ? She kissed you and felt like you had to reciprocate.”
When Alicent finally looked back at her dad with her eyes full of pure fear and confusion, she found nodding at her father’s explanations.
To this day Alicent doesn't know if her father truly believed that Rhaenyra influenced her or if he was making a sort of agreement between them on a story to tell people. But this didn’t matter, because a few days later all of their entourage knew about Rhaenyra liking girls and how she forced Alicent's poor innocent self to kiss her.
During all of this, the Hightower wasn’t really “punished”, or at least her father didn’t tell her she was punished. But she couldn’t go out and was deprived of her phone. Her father also asked her old catechism teacher to come over from time to time so he could tell her how everything would be okay, that she wouldn’t go to hell for Rhaenyra’s mistakes and another bunch of bullshit.
But whatever her dad was doing was working. In one week all that progress Alicent made about accepting the fact that she was maybe a lesbian was gone.
She was back in a cycle of crying, hating herself, and praying for forgiveness.
Rhaenyra did come to see her. On Christmas eve a few minutes before midnight, Rhaenyra was in the garden after sneaking in and she threw sticks at her window just like when they were little kids.
A few minutes later, they were yelling at each other and crying in the cold night. Alicent said mean things that she’ll regret her whole life.
“So it’s over now huh ? That’s it ?”
“There was nothing to begin with Rhaenyra !”
Rhaenyra stood there with disbelief all over her face.
“Wow…Just wow”
She then proceeded to walk away but she turned around to look at Alicent a last time.
“Merry Christmas Alicent.”
The Hightower would forever remember how cold and sad her words sounded.
After that couldn’t recall anything but that her father enrolled her in a catholic all girl school.
This has been the worst part of her life but she also learned so much about herself there.
She met girls that helped her with the guilt and shame and accepted who she was.
She accepted it. She was a lesbian. But assuming it was another story.
Alicent kissed Rhaenyra, the girl she couldn’t stop thinking about for years, but ruined everything again. She thought about it the whole night. Just staring at the ceiling, rethinking about Rhaenyra words and lips again and again.
The snowstorm stopped around 6am and Alicent left the Targaryen’s house around 6:30. Rhaenyra was sleeping on the couch when she left. She looked quite peaceful but the Hightower couldn’t help but notice the dry traces of tears on her cheeks, which increased the guilt and broke her heart.
She left a note on the coffee table, thanking her for letting her stay over before leaving.
She spent the thirty minute walk thinking about the kiss, the conversation with Rhaenyra and the pure moments of happiness they shared when they were still dating a few years ago. All of this was going over and over in her head but it was always interrupted by the thought of her father looking at her in pure disgust and disappointment as the feeling of fear came right back at her.
All of this was eating her up, so much actually that she just zoned out to block all of those feelings, something that she hasn't done since she was around 17.
When she was finally home, Alicent was greeted happily by everyone in the house. They were having breakfast but Alicent refused to join them, lying about the fact that she ate at Rhaenyra’s house.
Throughout the day she was just acting like a robot as she helped for christmas eve dinner. The only time she showed a real emotion was when she was playing with her nephew after Gwayne asked her to help with the baby boy. The little boy was honestly the only light of her day for the moment.
Early in the evening, Alicent was in her room, staring at the ceiling. Just waiting for everything to be cooked so she could eat and go to sleep.
But the sound of someone knocking on her door interrupted the silence.
“Yes, come in !”
Thankfully it was Gwayne who came in.
“Hey you…”
Alicent didn’t answer, she just sat up and Gwayne her best fake smile. Her brother sighed, clearly seeing right through her, before sitting down on the bed next to her.
“Are you okay ?”
Seeing her brother’s eyes full of worry made her heart ache but she kept that fake smile on her face.
“Yes, I’m fine…”
This didn’t convince Gwayne at all.
“You sure ? Because it’s like you’re not fully here…and everybody noticed it. " The man smiled weakly before adding ; “Thomas said that you looked like a zombie…don’t worry I hit him for you.”
Alicent just stayed silent and looked down at her feet, not knowing what to do now. But her brother didn’t give up. She felt his comforting hand on her back as he tried to make eye contact with her.
“Come on lili…what’s wrong ? You used to love Christmas but you’re all sad this year.”
Alicent looked up to see a sad smile on her big brother's face.
“You’ve been sad for many years actually.”
This last sentence made Alicent suddenly cry. She has been sad for some years now and aloof this sadness was finally showing.
The girl was quickly taken in a tight hug with her resting on her brother’s shoulder.
“Alicent just tell me what’s wrong…please.”
The man gently broke the hug so he could face his sister again before wiping the tears on her cheeks. Alicent felt safe and she was already crying, there was no need to pretend anymore.
“I tried so hard ! I tried so hard to be perfect and a good daughter. And I know y’all think I have it easy because I’m dad’s favourite or something but he expects so much from me and I sacrificed so much to please him and attain his hopes…and it’s not fair !”
Before she realized it, she was back in a hug that she initiated this time.
“Yes you’re right Ali, it’s not fair.”Gwayne started as he rubbed her back. “So maybe you should just stop…and do what you want.”
He moved her away so he could look down at her again.
“I know it sounds easier said than done but you shouldn’t sacrifice your happiness for him… because when he’s gone and you’re here with all your regrets what then ?”
Alicent didn’t say anything and just rested her head on her big brother’s shoulder until the voice of her sister-in-law broke the silence.
“Gwayne ! Can you help with the oven please !”
“Im coming !” The man shouted back before giving his sister a quick kiss on the head.
Alicent watched Gwayne walk towards before calling him.
“Gwayne ?”
Her brother immediately turned around to look at her. She smiled weakly at him and he smiled back.
“Thanks.”
“You’re welcome Alicent.”
Alicent went back to laying on her bed and staring at the ceiling. But this time Gwayne’s words were the one going on and on in her head, because yes he was right. She didn’t want to end up living an unhappy life full of regrets to please one man.
She stayed in her room until she was called for the christmas eve dinner. When she came into the dining room the table was perfectly decorated, thanks to Gwayne’s wife.
The dinner was going smoothly. Like always, her dad said grace before they could eat and everybody talked with each other. Alicent just ate and stayed quiet. She liked it this way but of course, of course, Lucas had to ruin it.
“So Alicent, how was it to spend the night with Rhaenyra after all these years ? Hm ?” He asked white grinning widely.
“She didn't try to kiss you again, did she ?” Thomas added before the two men giggled.
“Yes she did, and I kissed her back.”
The table was suddenly silent. Everyone looked speechless, Alicent was speechless too…She blurred out the words before really thinking about it, but she didn’t regret it.
Actually, she decided to keep going.
“We were resting on the couch and we kissed her.”
Otto suddenly stood up and looked down at her with pure anger and disgust in his eyes.
“Alicent this is not funny, stop it.”
The sternness in his voice that used to scare Alicent so bad was now just giving her the motivation to keep going.
“I’m not joking !”
She stood up from her chair too and looked into her father's eyes.
“I kissed her, because I like her, just like I did three years ago. She didn’t force me or influence me in anything, because I’ve always liked her…I like girls !”
A heavy silence fell in the room after those words. Her father and her just stared into each other's eyes. For the first time in her life, Alicent didn’t look down.
Her father just shook his head and left the table before leaving the room. Alicent could finally breathe normally.
She didn’t leave the time for anyone to make a comment as she left the table and the room too. She basically ran to the hall to put on some shoes and her coat. She was in such a rush that she didn’t notice that Gwayne arrived in the room too.
“You’re going to go talk to her ?”
Alicent jumped a little before turning to look at Gwayne. She nodded and smiled as she put on her boots.
“I’m sorry for ruining your son's first christmas eve.”
Her brother just giggled as he got closer to her.
“It’s okay, I'm not sure he really cares, you know…”
The man took her hat that was resting on the coat hanger and gently put it on her head.
“I'm proud of you Alicent, really.”
Alicent smiled and nodded, she was proud of herself too
“Thanks Gwayne…for everything.”
Her brother smiled widely and gave her a kiss on the forehead.
“Okay go now, try get her back”
Alicent nodded and basically ran towards the door.
“Love you !”
Alicent never had a good cardio but she still ran to Rhaenyra’s house as fast as she could. She almost fell a dozen times but she couldn’t care less.
When she got to the Targaryen’s house, her cheeks were red and she was absolutely breathless. The Hightower heard the noises and understood that Rhaenyra had people over.
But this didn’t stop, she couldn’t stop now. She hit the doorbell without any hesitation and waited for an answer while panting.
Thankfully, Rhaenyra was the one to answer the door.
The girl’s smile decomposed when she realized who it was and her expression turned into a mix of tiredness and fear.
“Why are you here Alicent ? You forgot something else ?” Rhaenyra asked sarcastically.
“I needed to talk to you.” The Hightower mumbled between two big breaths.
Rhaenyra rolled her eyes and was about to close the door.
“Well I don’t want to talk to you. I thought I made that clear.”
Alicent used the last strength she had to block the door from closing.
“Okay I totally understand but can you at least listen to me ? I know I don’t deserve it but please Rhaenyra… just two minutes.”
The Hightower was genuinely about to get on her knees and beg for some of Rhaenyra time. But The Targaryen sighed and let go of the door and looked at her with impatience.
“Two minutes.”
Alicent smiled widely while taking a moment to totally catch her breath.
“I told my dad that I liked girls…”
Rhaenyra didn’t let her continue and snorted.
“Oh wow, congratulations…” She said, her voice full of snarkiness.
Alicent implored the other girl with her eyes to just let her finish. Rhaenyra sighed and looked down at her feet.
“Sorry…” She simply whispered.
The Hightower just smiled with eyes full of hope.
“I know what I did was horrendous, all the things I said and when I left like that…and again I’m so sorry. But I’m done being a coward, I want to do what I want, I want to be with you, I want to hold your hand and kiss you with no shame. And it’s okay if you don’t want to try this again but I need you to know how I felt.”
The two women stayed silent. Alicent’s adrenaline was gone now and the only thing left was her new found feeling of freedom.
“So yeah that’s it…sorry for interrupting your party or whatever…bye.”
Alicent couldn’t really read what expression Rhaenyra had on her face but it wasn’t that important, she said what she had to say.
The Hightower started walking away but Rhaenyra’s voice made her stop.
“Alicent ?”
She turned around and the last she knew was that she and Rhaenyra were kissing…
25 December
Alicent and Rhaenyra were resting in the Targaryen’s bed while watching their second christmas movie of the night.
The Hightower had spent Christmas Eve with Rhaenyra’s family before the Targaryen asked her to stay for the night.
They still needed to talk and take care of some things for now, they both decided to simply enjoy each other’s company without hassle.
Alicent noticed that the Targaryen had fallen asleep when she felt the other girl’s body snuggling closer to hers.
This alone confirmed that she made the right decision.
She paused the movie and noticed that it was actually midnight.
“Merry Christmas Nyra…” She whispered softly before closing her eyes too.
She was surprised to see that Rhaenyra actually heard her.
“Merry Christmas Alicent.”