September 5 1971
Remus experienced his first full moon at Hogwarts on September 5th, which felt unfairly early in his new life. He had just started making friends after all, just begun his new classes. On his first night at Hogwarts, Remus and his new friends hauled their things up more stairs than should have been allowed. It was worse considering James and Sirius both individually had as much as Remus and Peter, which resulted in the four of them attempting to make two stacks of luggage to be carried two by two. They fell more than once.
Remus brought posters of his favorite muggle bands and artists and hung them on their walls. James loved them. He had many questions for Remus about the men with guitars and makeup. He wanted to know what music they made and why they dressed like that. Sirius was interested too, but he didn’t have questions like James, he was simply in awe. Peter didn’t really care.
Peters posters were of quidditch players. They zipped around the paper corners, flexing and cheering. Remus was never the most involved in the quidditch scene, so he folded his jeans and organized his drawers while he listened to the other three debate over weather Franklin Deucheck’s arm was still as good as last season, and if the up and comer LLoyd Petchov had any chance at making it big.
James brought piles of Gryffindor regalia. He hung banners from the walls and ceilings and bedposts. He stood atop the bed he’d claimed as his own like a king surveying his realm. “Well lads,” he said, “this is it, the rest of our lives start today.”
Sirius collapsed down onto James’s bed, “if my mum doesn’t kill me first.”
Peter responded, “What’s she gonna do to ya here? The woman’s not gonna show up in your smelly dormitory.”
“And who's smelly here?” James laughed, to which Peter threw his used socks at him.
“She might never speak to me again. First in a hundred fucking generations to not be in Slytherin. What a mess,” Sirius said, quieter. He laughed like it was a joke, but Remus didn’t find it very funny.
James sat down on his bed with Sirius, who sat up too. James put his arm around Sirius’s shoulder and sighed. Remus thought he looked very grown up, like perhaps he was about to say something fatherly and profound. Instead, James said, “she sounds like a real wanker.”
And Sirius laughed, a real belly laugh. And Peter laughed and James laughed and Remus laughed. Remus thought then, in those warm evening hours in Gryffindor tower, that perhaps it could be enough to just wash away that part of him that he detested.
But the full moon came again and came with fury. Remus had been trying to work out how he would tell his roommates about the werewolf situation. His parents had told him not to, encouraged him to keep it a secret. They tried to make it sound nice, “we don’t want it to stop you from making friends,” they’d said, “we don’t want people making assumptions.” James, Peter, and Sirius were kind though. They liked Remus.
Still, it was only a few days after meeting them that he would be transforming again, and the window of time that he had to tell them came and went. So on the night of the fifth, he excused himself from dinner early and was not in the dormitory when the others returned.
Dumbledore had accommodated Remus, he made him a space where he could transform away from the other children and remain contained until he was just a boy again. They had a plan for the morning too. Just after sunrise, Professor McGonagall would meet Remus in the shack, where she’d magically clear away any blood and halt any continued bleeding and help Remus into clean clothes before taking him to see Madame Pomfrey. Remus supposed it was better than home in some ways. Here, though it was small, he wasn’t chained to anything. At home it was a disturbing sight since his mother and father had to chain him to the floor before he transformed. His mother couldn’t look at him in the before – small and harmless and chained. But here, he was alone. No mother or father to stroke his hair until they couldn’t anymore. Or to sing him songs through the bars of a cage. Or to carry him to bed when it was over.
It was a long, painful night. Remus hardly ever remembered much of the nights under the full moon. Mostly, those memories came in flashes. Feelings. The morphing of his bones and organs into more wicked shapes. The unstoppable urge to claw at his own skin. Hot blood. The metallic taste in his mouth. And cold. He always remembered feeling cold. The sun brought Remus back to himself and he was entirely alone. He shivered, wet from blood and sweat. He wasn’t sure what he expected. What did he think? That the wizards would just make it go away? Or make it normal? He was still the only one. His father was a wizard, and a good one, and he still suffered.
Professor McGonnagall came to meet him, according to the plan. Remus could tell she was startled by the sight of him. He saw her suppress a gasp, but she pulled herself together quickly. She knelt by his side and gave him some dark chocolate to eat while she murmured spells over him.
“That’s it, just relax,” she soothed, “you’ve done well, you’re ok, you can relax.”
Remus didn’t respond to her, but he nibbled on the chocolate, which must have been enchanted, and closed his eyes as she directed. He was sore and tired and awfully exposed in front of this woman he just met. But McGonagall was gentle with him and non judgemental. He felt very grateful for the safety she brought with her, and she was patient with him when the journey to the infirmary took him far too long.
The bed in the infirmary was quite nice for a hospital bed. The sheets were soft and seemed to change temperature the second he thought that he wanted it to be warmer or cooler. Madame Pomfrey was kind to him too, and kept him hydrated and medicated. It was still so early, and Remus was the only child in the infirmary. Once, when Madame Pomfrey came to check on a particularly gnarly gash on Remus’s leg, she double checked that they were alone and said gently to Remus, “you don’t need to be embarrassed you know, it’s not your fault you get, well, sick every month.”
Remus thanked her, but privately he found that hard to believe. He knew it wasn’t his fault, but still he felt that he definitely should be embarrassed. If it was an entirely shameless fact about him then surely she wouldn’t need to lower her voice to tell him that.
Later, Remus awoke from another period of sleep to the sound of arguing.
“No. Absolutely not. The poor boy needs his sleep.”
“Please miss we’ve been worried sick, haven’t seen him since dinner,” came a voice not belonging to Madame Pomfrey. James, Remus thought.
“He’s alright, I promise.”
“And how do we know he’s being taken good care of?” said another voice, Peter this time.
Remus’s voice was ragged, but he cleared his throat and called out, “Madame Pomfrey.”
The voices quieted and Madame Pomfrey paced into Remus’s view.
“Yes?” She said.
“I’d like to see my friends, if that’s alright.”
Madame Pomfrey sighed, glanced around, and rubbed her hands on her aproned skirt. Then, she nodded and turned on her heel. Moments after she disappeared, Remus’s three friends shot to his bedside. James threw himself on Remus in a huge hug, which hurt Remus a little but also made him laugh.
“Careful mate!” Sirius cautioned, “he’s fragile.”
“Oi!” Remus responded, “I’m plenty strong.”
Remus wriggled one arm out from under his blanket and flexed an absent bicep, snickering. His joke barely lightened the concern on the faces of the other boys. Peter asked the question they had all been wondering all night.
“What the hell happened to you?”
Remus didn’t answer immediately. He could just tell them. They were good people, and probably wouldn’t treat him any differently. Then again, they were already so worried for him, it would trouble them so much to know he had done this to himself, and that it was inevitable that it would happen each month for the rest of Remus’s life. Even worse, they might be scared of him. They may never want to speak to him again. They could whisper about it. Or scream. Remus had just gotten his hands on this new life, he wasn't willing to risk it.
“I have a job,” Remus said.
The boys all made faces at him. Remus cringed internally, he wished he would have thought this lie out earlier.
“A job…” Sirius said, less of a question and more of a scoff. It was too late now, this was what Remus was going with.
“Yeah, it’s only once a month but I’m helping the groundskeeper keep the worst monsters out of the forest. Dangerous work.”
Peter looked horrified, James confused, and Sirius still unbelieving. It made Remus nervous, Sirius’s gaze could be very intense, like he might decipher Remus against his will. Questions came flying at Remus and he tried his best to keep up.
“And why are you doing this job?”
“I’m good with animals.”
“Are you getting paid?”
“In experience. And chocolate.”
“Why didn’t you tell us?”
“Couldn’t have you following me.”
“Why would they have a first year doing that?”
“I told you, I’m strong.”
Remus felt guilty for lying but he was so relieved when the questions trailed off. He could tell his friends were still confused, but they let it go. They stayed for a while after that, surely missing class but making no comment on it. James fit himself next to Remus on his bed and Sirius got comfortable at their feet. Peter took the chair next to bed and propped himself up on his elbows, playing with a chocolate frog that hopped across the blankets. Madame Pomfrey looked disapprovingly at the four whenever she passed, but only interjected when Remus tried to share his magical dark chocolate. James insisted they update Remus on all he’d missed while they were apart.
“I wasn’t gone that long, how could there be so much news?” Remus asked.
“There isn’t really,” Sirius said with a chuckle.
James shoved Sirius, arguing, “well it’s one thing but it’s a big deal! You’ll understand when you’re in love with someone, Sirius.”
Remus sighed, rolling his eyes teasingly. One thing he knew about James was that he was a lover. James loved Remus and Peter and Sirius with a ferocity Remus almost found strange after only knowing him for less than a week. James loved quidditch, and American cheeseburgers, and his red sneakers. James loved love. Remus wondered if James tested every crush the way he did the red haired girl from the train. He talked about her every night, updating the others on the eye contact they made. It was funny, but if you laughed James would punch you in the shoulder.
“Go on then, spit it out, what happened with the girl?” Remus indulged.
James stood up and cleared his throat, readying himself to deliver ground shaking news he said, “I have found out her name. It’s Lily Evans.”
Remus laughed so hard at James that it hurt his still sore stomach and he had to grab onto Sirius to steady himself. It was nice. They were nice, and simple. Remus hoped they stayed that way.