Hope
The conversation had ended in disaster, for him anyway.
In retrospect he thinks that this should not have surprised him. Swine had never been a potential comrade. He had always been one of them. The evidence was there in his dark, beady little eyes, as they scrunched up in disgust at the sight of J in front of him. The boy’s voice was shrill, reminiscent of Horse’s, as he screeched vile names he probably barely understood and accusations of freak at J. It was strange, that such words from that boy, who he had never even had a proper conversation with would cause such painful feelings of betrayal within himself.
Horse heard the noise, and was obviously very displeased when she saw J out of his cupboard. Neither is Walrus when he returns and is informed of his indiscretion.
And so he learns that it is not because he is small and vulnerable that he is treated in such a way, because Swine has escaped the same fate. It is something inherent within himself that is found so terribly loathsome by these people. He understands, know, that he would never have their approval. Never be anything more than a loathsome creature to them.
And so, he reciprocates, and decides to relegate them to the same status in his own mind. He does not live with people. He has never lived with people. They are animals, living under the illusion of humanity. And as he lays in his dark, dark cupboard with spiders scurrying contentedly across his bruised and bloody face, he thinks about how much he still does not understand. He would very much like answers, mostly to the simple question ‘why?’.
Well, that and for his ankle to stop throbbing. He hopes that it is not broken.
He is two years old and he has just learned that hope is also to be feared.
Looking back he understands that these fears were necessary. They made him real, in relationship to himself and the world. He understood the dangers of caring--of creating more weaknesses to be exploited. Let the other children have friends. Let them bask in their delusions of safety. He would remain free of any ties, any weaknesses. He would survive.