Carina got in her Porsche ready to drive home and ready to see her wife and son. It had been a long day and she was exhausted. She’d done 2 emergency c-sections and then did 3 more vaginal births. It seemed like everyone in Seattle decided they wanted a Christmas baby. She too was a few weeks into her 3rd trimester and her back ached and she knew her feet were swollen even though she hadn’t bothered to look at them. She was looking forward to seeing Maya and Liam. They were enjoying all the 1st Christmas stuff with Liam. Every evening Maya had off, she was lining up things for them to go and do. A couple of evenings before, they’d taken him to get a photo with Santa. They expected him to be scared but he wasn’t. He seemed enthralled by him as he played with his beard and they got so many cute pictures of him.
Maya had mentioned taking him to the light festival that night to see the lights but Carina didn’t want to. She wanted to eat some food and spend some time with her family and take a hot shower and get some sleep. She was really struggling to find her typical Christmas spirity and she wasn’t sure why. She pulled into their driveway and turned off her car and grabbed her stuff.
She heard Christmas music playing as soon as she walked in the house. Maya was in the kitchen with Liam in his highchair. She was dancing around the kitchen as she got supper ready while Liam watched her with a smile on his face. Liam noticed her first and started flapping his arms and squealing.
“Ciao my bambino!” She said and she kissed his head.
“Oh, hi babe! I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Ciao bambina!” She said. Maya came over and kissed her.
“Supper is almost ready and then we’re supposed to meet Ben and Miranda at the festival at 7.”
“Can we please skip the lights? I’m so tired and my back hurts and my feet are swollen. I just want to eat and relax.”
“Sure.” Maya said but Carina could see she was disappointed.
“Maybe we can meet another evening, they’re open through the 1st. I’m sorry bambina, I’m just so tired.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ll text Ben and see if we can reschedule.”
“Thank you.” A few minutes later their food was ready and they ate. By the time they were finishing up Liam was getting tired of his highchair and fussy, so Carina took him out and Maya started to clean up. “I’m going to take him in and give him a bath and get him ready for bed, he seems sleepy.”
“I can do it once I get these dishes in the dish washer.”
“No, it’s okay. I haven’t seen him all day, so I’d like to have time with him.”
“Okay, love.” Maya said with a smile. She watched her wife and her son leave the room and then she set about cleaning up the kitchen. Once she finished she got a bottle ready for Liam and put it in his room by the rocking chair, so Carina could feed him and put him to sleep. The she pulled out the wrapping paper and the new presents that had been delivered that day and started to wrap them. She was so excited about Liam’s first Christmas. She wanted to do it all with him and enjoy all the magic with him. She couldn’t help but hum along with the Christmas music as she worked. She also couldn’t help but notice that it felt like her and Carina had switched places this year. Normally Carina loved Christmas and was ready to put up the tree right after Halloween and decorate everything and bake cookies and look at the lights. Maya wasn’t sure if it was because she was pregnant and so tired or if there was something bothering her wife and she didn’t know how to approach it. She was just starting to wrap the last present when Carina came out carrying Liam’s empty bottle.
“More presents, bambina?”
“Yeah, some of the stuff I ordered for Liam from Amazon came today.”
“Do we really need to buy all the gifts and do all the thing? He won’t even remember it!” Carina said. But when she saw Maya’s face, she knew she it was too much. “I’m sorry, bambina. I’m just tired. I’m going to go take a shower and try to get in a better mood.”
“Okay.” Maya said. Carina walked over and kissed her wife.
“I’m truly sorry.”
“It’s okay, I know you’re tired.”
“I’ll be back in a bit.” Carina said and Maya nodded. Carina put the bottle in the sink and headed for the bathroom. She climbed in the shower. As the hot water ran down her body, she tried to make sense of how she was feeling and what was fueling it. It should be the happiest Christmas at least in recent years. Her and Maya were doing well and they had the family they always wanted. It was their son’s first Christmas and their baby girl was kicking away in her uterus. But still she felt sad. She felt like something was missing. The longer she stood in the shower and let her mind wonder, the more she started to understand. She finished up her shower so she could go talk to her wife. She normally would just throw on her robe but she couldn’t get it around her belly anymore. She’d also gotten too big for Maya’s old Station 19 shirts and it made her cry, so the next shift Maya got the okay from Andy to take a couple of the extra big ones they had hom. Maya even wore them for her a couple of nights before she gave them to her, so they smelled like her and she cried over that too. She slipped on one and some sweat pants and then she went to find Maya. She found her sitting in front of the tree arranging the presents.
“Hey, love. How was your shower?”
“It was good. I needed that.”
“15.”
“15 what bambina?”
“I bought Liam 15 presents.” She said with a little smile.
“Wow, he sure is a spoiled little boy.”
“I was thinking maybe I should unwrap a few and put them up for him to have in a few months or for his birthday or something.”
“No, don’t do that. Let him have them all.”
“When I was kid and went back to school after Christmas break, I would lie about what I got for Christmas pretty much every year.”
“You did?”
“Yeah. We didn’t do Santa. Lane said it was unnecessary and too much work and money. He would only let mom get use 2 gifts and they had to be things we needed. I remember when I was about 9, she put socks and underwear in one package for both Mason and I and then she put a book in my other gift and some new paints in Mason’s. Lane was so mad and they spent the whole day fighting because he said she was going to spoil us. I’d go back to school and everyone would be talking about all the fun things they got. Lane rarely allowed me to have friends over, so I knew they’d likely never know the difference. So I’d lie and list a bunch of things I wished I’d gotten instead of what I did. The worst year was when I was about 13, maybe 14. He told my mom not to get me anything because he had me covered and he talked up this gift for weeks making it sound like it was something amazing. I was really excited to open it Christmas morning. It made it even harder to hold back the tears when I opened it up and it was a leather bound food journal he got me to keep track of what I ate and count calories. He even put a laminated piece of paper at the beginning with the calories for a bunch of different vegtables and fruit and meat and I don’t remember what else. I want Liam to have Santa and to enjoy the magic I never got to experience and have a bunch of gifts and to do all the things. But I know I went a little overboard. He’s not even a year old. I guess I can’t lie I wanted to enjoy it too. But I know you’re really pregnant and you’ve been working a lot and I’m sorry we’ve been going so much. We can take it easy the rest of the time. I also know I can’t buy him 15 presents for Christmas every year, so I won’t do it again.” Carina wiped tears from her eyes as she thought of the heartbreak of little teeange Maya getting such an awful and insulting gift for Chrsitmas.
“I’m sorry bambina. That’s awful. I’ve really enjoyed most of what we’ve done actually. I want him to have Santa and enjoy that magic and all the wonderful things about Christmas too. I’m sorry I’ve been such a Scrooge. Christmas is always bittersweet for me. I only got a handful of good Christmases with my mama and Andrea, especially my mama. The last Christmas I had with mama, we made biscotti and she said she hoped one day she would get make biscotti with my kids and I remember loving that idea so much. Now I have kids and she’ll never know them and she’ll never get to make biscotti with them. I wish I could ask her what my first Christmas was like and what traditions she’d hope to do with me that never came to be. I delivered so many babies today and saw so many pround new mom’s with their mom’s meeting their grandbabies and it’s heartbreaking knowing, I’ll never have that moment. I think hormones and exhaustion didn’t help either. I guess this Christmas is just bringing up a lot of emotions like that for me. But that doesn’t make me snapping at you okay and I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry, love. She’d be so happy for you and proud of you and so would your brother.” Maya said and she hugged her wife.
“I’m not sure they would, I realize in the shower I was acting like my father.” Carina said with a shiver.
“Never. You’re having a hard time and feeling a lot of things and that’s okay. I know he is mentally unwell but it doesn’t make the fact that he is such an ass okay.”
“It doesn’t. I remember when I was around 12. I heard him and mama arguing and found out, he’d found the money she’d been saving up for Christmas and spent it all. All I could think about was Andrea waking up Christmas morning without any presents and I couldn’t let that happen. So I picked up more hours helping clean up at the resturant down the street. I was so afraid my papa would find the money I was making, so I hid it in a jewelry box with a lock on it and locked it and kept the key with me and then I hid in another box under my bed. I managed to keep the money hidden and a couple of days before Christmas and I walked to the shops in town. Andrea had his heart set on this action figure. I don’t even remember what it was but I had enough to buy the action figure, his favorite candy bar, and some wrapping paper. Mama was able to borrow some money form Nonna to get us a couple of things but I didn’t know that. I got up after I thought everyone was asleep so I could put his stuff under the tree and Mama was in there and saw me and I had to tell her what I’d done. She looked so proud and yet so sad and broken that I felt I needed to do that.”
“God, you were 12. You were just a child youself and had the weight of all of that on your shoulders. I’d hope she felt sad and broken abou that. I know like my mom, she was being abused and was drowning herself but as a mother now, I can’t imagine just staying in a situation like that.”
“I know. I realize now I didn’t really have a childhood. I know she didn’t want the life we had and she didn’t want me to feel that kind of pain and pressure or Andrea either but she didn’t know how to get out. I’m with you, as a mother now I can’t imagine allowing my kids to live the way we either one did.”
“I did something else and I hope it doesn’t upset you.” Maya said
“What did you do?”
“When I was getting ready to go to the grocery store earlier, I got out your recipes and found your family biscotti recipe and I picked up what we needed to make them. Again I know you’re really pregnant and standing isn’t as easy and you just want to rest and relax when you’re off but I know how much those biscotti mean to you. So if I need to, I’ll make them as you tell me what to do. Liam is old enough to try a little bit of biscotti. I know you didn’t have many traditions while growing up just like I didn’t but I want us to include what we can for our kids.” Carina looked at her wife with tears in her eyes. Maya wasn’t sure if she was happy or sad.
“Bambina, that’s so sweet of you. That recipe is in Italian though, how did you know what it said? Are you sure you got the right things?”
“I might have gotten help from another Italian I know.” Maya said with a smile.
“Gabriella?” Carina asked with a smile and Maya nodded.
“I texted her and asked if she’d help me and she agreed. She helped me translate the recipe and then we video chatted while I was at the store and she helped me pick out the best ingredients. I wanted to do it right and I knew she’d probably tease me but she’d do it.”
“Did she tease you?”
“Of course she did. But it was worth it to make sure I got the right stuff.”
“Grazie mille, bambina. That means so much to me. I’d love to make biscotti with you and Liam tomorrow. I know Lane restricted your food through a lot of your childhood but did you have any kind of cookies or sweets for Christmas that we can make?”
“You’re welcome. When I was really young before he realized I could run, my grandma made sugar cookies every Christmas. They were really good and we decorated then with a bunch of different colored icing and sprinkles. I got some stuff to make those too.”
“Good. Your daughter seems to already have a sugar high just from us talking about sweets.” Carina said and they both laughed.
“Yeah?” Maya asked as she put her hand on her wife’s stomach.
“Si. She was already moving in the shower but since I sat down here and we started talking it’s like she’s playing football or doing gymnastics.”
“Hey baby girl. Your mommy’s had a long day and she’d like to get some sleep tonight. Maybe you can put off your soccer game until tomorrow.”
“It’s football.”
“Soccer.”
“Football.” Carina said giving her an ornery smile.
“Fine football. Whatever it is baby girl, it’s time to stop playing and get some rest.” Maya talked to baby Andrea until she finally stopped moving so much and then they moved to the bedroom. Maya had agreed to rub her wife’s feet until she fell asleep. Carina got comfortable in the bed and Maya kissed her.
“Ti amo, bambina.”
“I love you, my love.” Maya sat down on the bed by Carina’s swollen feet and she started to rub them. It wasn’t long until she was asleep. Maya turned out the lights and crawled in bed and put her arms around her and soon she was asleep too.
The next day was Christmas Eve and they set about finishing up last minute stuff for Christmas and that afternoon pulled out everything she bought for Carina’s biscotti.
“You did perfect bambina.”
“Good. I remembered most of it from when you’ve made them in the past but it was good to have Gabriella to confirm I was right.”
They started to work on the cookies. Eventually Liam got tired of his highchair and wanted to join his Moms. So Maya held him and they watched Carina work and helped where they could. Maya put flour on Carina’s nose and then Carina returned the favor as they laughed and then they both put flour on Liam’s nose and he giggled and flapped his little arms and they both couldn’t resist kissing his little cheeks. A few hours later they had the biscotti done and sugar cookies ready to decorate with icing. They sat at the table with Liam back in his highchair.
“I’m going to give him a little pice of cookie and some icing to see what he does with it.” Maya said and Carina nodded. Maya broke the foot off of a santa shaped cookie and put it on his tray with a little bit of red icing. The watched as he put his finger in the icing and started to play with it. He smiled, clearly enjoying it. They started decorating the other cookies and Liam got the idea and started rubbing icing on his little piece of cookie.
“Bravo bambino!” Carina said and Liam smiled with pride at her.
“Good job, baby! You’re so smart!” Maya said kissing his sticky hand. Later that evening they ate some cookies and drank hot chocolate while they watched a Christmas movie until Liam got sleepy. Maya put him down and then they put the rest of the presents under the tree. Maya got out the last present. It was her present for her wife. She looked at it for a minute and then had an idea. “I know we don’t normally open anything until Christmas morning but I would like for you to open my present right now when it’s just the two of us.” She said
“Why is it something sexy?” Carina asked teasing her and Maya laughed.
“No. It’s just something I think would be nice to be opened when it’s just the two of us and we can really be in the moment.”
“Okay.” Carina said and they sat down on the couch. They’d turned off all the lights but one lamp and the lights on the Christmas tree. It felt really cozy and Maya was glad. She handed Carina her present and she pulled off the paper gently as was Carina’s way and she opened the white box underneath. Maya held her breath suddenly feeling nervous about how Carina would react to what was in the box. Carina moved the paper and there was no reaction. She just stared at it for what felt like forever. Maya didn’t know if she should say something, so she just set quietly. Finally Carina picked it up. It was a painting on a piece of wood that looked like a tree trunk, of Carina and her mom and Andrea from the last Christmas before her mom died standing in front of the Christmas tree. Her mom in the middle and her kids on either side of her, all 3 with big smiles and light dancing in their eyes. Underneath the picture was the word “Sempre” in black cursive and the whole thing was covered in a shiny finish. The artist had done such a beuatiful job capturing the moment, Maya had cried when she opened it. “Bambina.” Carina whispered and Maya put her arm around her.
“Is it okay?”
“It’s…perfetto.”
“We worked a fire at an art gallery in July or August. The fire was in the back in an office and we were able to get it out before the woman who owned the gallery lost too much. She told us before we left if we ever needed a painting done, to come back and she’d make us a good deal. Her paintings were so beautiful and I kept thinking about it. So I went back in October with this picture from your album and asked if she could make a painting of it and she said we could. We worked together to get it just right. The picture is back safely in your album, so don’t worry about that.”
“It’s so beautiful and the details are so…stunning. It doesn’t even really look like a painting, it looks real.”
“I know, I cried when I opened it.”
“None of us knew this was the last time, things would ever feel….like that. Andrea and I pushed on after she was gone but we also talked about there was always something missing. This was such a good Christmas though. I came to the states for the first time in few years and stayed with them. We made so much biscotti and went to see the lights and there was a Christmas festival in the little town where they were living. For Christmas dinner, Mama and I made lasagna and salad and home made garlic bread and tiramisu. I realized while we made cookies with Liam earlier that is what they’d want, they’d want me to be happy and have fun with you and Liam and not be sad.”
“They would and they’ll always be apart of our lives. Liam and Andrea will know about them and how amazing they were.”
“They will. Grazie bambina for the painting and for putting up with me.” Carina said and she hugged Maya.
“You’re welcome and of course. I know it’s hard and it’s okay to miss them.”
“Ti amo.”
“I love you.”
They picked a place and put the painting on the wall near their tree. The next morning they were up before Liam, too excited for him to see all the presents and to see him open them. As soon as they heard him stirring they went in. He was standing up holding on to the edge of his crib with a drooly smile on his face.
“Good morning, baby boy! Merry Christmas!” Maya said
“Buongiorno bambino! Buon Natale!” Carina said. Maya picked him and they showered him with kisses and cuddles before she changed his diaper. Then they took him to the livingroom. Soon the floor was covered in paper and Liam was crawling from toy to toy playing with each one as they caught his attention. Maya and Carina were sitting in the floor watching and playing with him. Maya put her hand on her wife’s stomach and felt their daughter moving.
“Don’t you worry baby girl, next year is your turn!” Maya said and she smiled at her wife.
“We might need a bigger livingroom if you’re going to buy two kids 15 presents.” She said teasing her wife and they both laughed.
“Well I did it for him, I have to do it for her and it wouldn’t be fair if she got a bunch of presents and he didn’t.”
“Oh boy and you thought you were going to be the strict parent!”
“Yeah…I think I was wrong.”
“I’d say so.” Carina said and they laughed again.
“Man, I’m so happy. I didn’t know it was possible to be this happy.”
“I feel the same way bambina.”
“We did it.” Maya said with a smile and sigh.
“Did what?”
“We broke our family cycles of dysfunction and abuse and pain. Our kids will never know that pain.”
“We did and they won’t.” About that time, Liam crawled up to a little ride on firetruck toy and Maya moved over and helped him up on it. Carina watched as her wife played with their son. Her heart full in a way she at times she never thought it would be again. There would always be hard days but she had an amazing wife and their beautiful children and life to help her through. She looked up at the picture from a Christmas past that would always mean so much to her and blew her mom and brother a kiss and then moved over to play with toys and enjoy her current Christmas with her family.