"Professor" Lockhart
Everything was fine until the mail showed up. Ron's family owl crashed into the table with a small red envelope tied to its leg. A red envelope that was all too familiar to Sirius. He'd gotten several his first few weeks at Hogwarts before his parents stopped sending them and found new ways to show their disapproval.
Ron and Neville stared at it as though it might explode at any moment.
"What's the matter?" Harry asked.
"She- she's sent me a Howler." Ron answered faintly.
"You'd better open it." Neville whispered, "It'll be worse if you don't. My gran sent me one once, and I ignored it and-" he gulped- "it was horrible."
"What's a Howler?" Harry frowned.
Fred and George grinned, "You'll want to cover your ears." Sirius demonstrated by dropping his head to the ground and covering his ears with his paws. Still frowning, Harry covered his ears.
Ron's hand shook as he reached out and opened the letter. Sirius pressed his paws down harder.
"-STEALING THE CAR, I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SURPRISED IF THEY'D EXPELLED YOU! YOU WAIT TIL I GET HOLD OF YOU, I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU STOPPED TO THINK WHAT YOUR FATHER AND I WENT THROUGH WHEN WE SAW IT WAS GONE-"
Molly's yelling made dust fall from the ceiling and plates and spoons rattle on the table. People throughout the hall were turning to see who had received the Howler. Ron sank lower in his chair and glanced at Sirius, as though hoping he would step in or something. Sirius pressed himself against Harry's leg.
"-LETTER FROM DUMBLEDORE LAST NIGHT, I THOUGHT YOUR FATHER WOULD DIE OF SHAME, WE DIDN'T BRING YOU UP TO BEHAVE LIKE THIS-"
If Sirius had a Knut for every time he'd heard that, he'd have more than his family fortune.
"-YOU COULD HAVE DIED! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED- YOUR FATHER'S FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT BACK HOME."
A ringing silence fell. Ron had dropped the Howler and it burst into flames. After a moment or two, a couple students laughed and the usual chatter of the hall returned. Hermione closed to book she'd been reading and looked down at the top of Ron's head.
"Well, I don;t know what you expected, Ron, but-"
"Don't tell me I deserved it." He snapped.
Sirius nudged his hand with a whine. Ron sighed and scratched his ears.
The next few minutes were pretty normal. McGonagall handed out course schedules and the hall started to empty out as students headed to their classes. Draco jogged over as they got up.
"Please, Draco, don't start. Wasn't the Howler enough?" Ron groaned.
Draco smirked, "I was going to ask what class you have first. But if you'd rather-"
"Herbology!" Ron shouted, "We have Herbology first."
Hermione let Draco take a look at her schedule. "Damn. We haven't got any classes together this morning." He sighed, "Oh well, I'll see you at lunch?"
Harry grinned and nodded, "Definitely."
"Good." He waved and ran off.
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The Herbology class was repotting Mandrakes today and, as earmuffs aren't very effective on dogs, Sirius had to lay outside and wait for class to end. Harry came out of class covered in dirt and clearly tired. Sirius trotted over to him and nosed his hand. Harry smiled and pet him.
"I need a shower before Transfiguration."
"I think everyone else has the same idea." Hermione said, "We'll need to hurry."
After a quick wash they hurried off to Transfiguration, where they were supposed to be turning beetles into buttons. Harry couldn't quite manage it, Sirius wished he could give him some pointers. Transfiguration had been his and James's best class in school.
Ron's wand was a cause of great concern. He'd patched it with some borrowed Spellotape, but it kept sparking and emitting smoke at random times. He really just needed to get a new one.
By the end of class, Ron was incredibly frustrated. He kept smacking his wand on the desk, "Stupid- useless- thing-"
Sirius put a paw on his wrist. Ron glared at him.
Harry frowned, "I think you should write home for a new one."
"Oh, yeah, and get another Howler back." Ron snapped, shoving his now hissing wand into his bag, "I'm sure that will go well."
Harry flinched. Sirius growled softly at Ron.
"Hush up, /Sirius/." The Animagus snapped his jaws. Now was not the time for this!
"You know?" Harry's grip on his leash tightened as they started walking to lunch.
Ron sighed, "He's the one who drove here."
"Are you mad I didn't tell you? Cause I wanted to! But then I thought you might react badly, and I can't lose him, and I just-"
"I'm not mad. I was shocked at first. But I get it, I guess?" He ran a hand through his hair, "Sorry I snapped at you. It's just... frustrating. I can barely do anything now!"
Harry grinned at him. "Well, if you can figure it out with a broke wand, imagine how easy it will be when you get a new one."
Ron smiled a little. His mood dropped again when they met up with the rest of their friends and Hermione showed off her row of buttons from Transfiguration.
"You have Defense this afternoon, right?" George said.
"Yeah," Harry answered. "I'm not looking forward to it. Lockhart makes me uncomfortable."
"Can't blame you there, mate." Fred laughed, "He's really... something."
Hermione rolled her eyes, "He's bound to be a good wizard. Just look at everything he's done! Besides, if he wasn't qualified, he wouldn't have been hired, right?"
They finished their lunch and met Draco in the courtyard. Hermione sat on one of the stone steps and immediately started reading again. Draco, Harry, and Ron started talking about Quidditch. Apparently, Draco was trying out for his house team. A few minutes into their talk Harry started nervously looking around.
"Does anyone else feel like their being watched?"
Sirius looked around and spied a mousy-haired first year staring at Harry as though transfixed. He was clutching an ordinary looking Muggle camera. Harry saw him too and pulled Sirius closer, shifting uncomfortably. The boy turned bright red and shuffled forward a bit.
"All right, Harry? I'm- I'm Colin Creevey." He took another tentative step forward. "I'm in Gryffindor too. D'you think- would it be all right if- can I have a picture?" He lifted the camera slightly.
Harry shrank back a little and looked at his friends desperately.
"What do you want a picture for?" Ron asked.
"So I can prove I met him!" He said eagerly. He turned back to Harry, "I know all about you. Everyone's told me about how you survived when You-Know-Who tried to kill you and how he disappeared and everything and how you've still got a lightening scar on your forehead and a boy in my dormitory said if I develop the film in the right potion, the pictures'll move!" The boy /finally/ took a breath, "It's amazing here, isn't it? I never knew all the odd stuff I could do was magic till I got the letter from Hogwarts. My dad's a milkman, he couldn't believe it either. So I'm taking loads of pictures to send home to him! And it'd be really good if I had one of you. Maybe one of your friends could take it and I could stand next to you? And then you could sign it?"
Harry was staring at the boy in mild horror by now, clutching a handful of Sirius's fur like a lifeline.
"Signed photos? You're giving out signed photos, Potter?" Zabini had come over, flanked by two large and thuggish looking cronies. He stopped right behind Colin and yelled to the rest of the courtyard, "Line up, everyone! Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"
Harry pulled Sirius half into his lap. Draco sneered back, "Shove off, Zabini."
Colin piped up, "Yeah. You're just jealous."
"Jealous?" Half the courtyard was listening by now, "Of what? I don['t want a foul scar on my head, thanks. I don't think getting your head cut open makes you that special, myself."
"Too bad no one asked what you think." Fred shrugged.
Naturally, that was when Gilderoy Lockhart came striding into view, "What's all this? Who's giving out signed photos?"
Sirius put his chin on Harry's shoulder and rolled his eyes.
"Shouldn't have asked. We meet again, Harry!" Lockhart slung an arm around Harry's shoulders. Harry flinched. Lockhart didn't notice and forced Harry to his feet. "Come on then, Mr. Creevey. A double portrait, can't do better than that, and we'll both sign it for you."
Colin fumbled for his camera, snapping the picture as the bell rang behind them. Sirius wondered if he could get away with tearing up Lockhart's stupid turquoise robes.
"Off you go, move along there." Lockhart called to the crowd. Harry sent a pleading look back at his friends as Lockhart dragged him away. Sirius pressed against Harry's leg and snapped his jaws at Lockhart. Harry smiled and shook his head a little.
"A word to the wise, Harry, I covered up for you back there with young Creevey-" Sirius rolled his eyes, "if he was photographing me too your schoolmates won't think you're setting yourself up so much..."
Harry shrank down and made a small squeaking noise. Sirius snarled quietly.
Lockhart continued with his "advice," "Let me just say that handing out signed pictures at this stage of your career isn't sensible- looks a tad bigheaded, to be frank. There will be a time when, like me, you'll need to have a stack handy wherever you go," Harry looked sick, "but I don't think you're quite there yet."
They had reached Lockhart's classroom and he finally let Harry go. Instead of going in, Harry walked a little ways down the hall and sank to the floor. Sirius pressed against him and dropped his chin onto Harry's shoulder again. The boy wrapped his arms around him and sat, shaking, for a minute before Ron and Hermione found him.
"Are you alright?" Hermione asked.
"Why does he keep touching me?" Harry whimpered, "I don't know him! I don't like it."
Ron put a hand on his shoulder, "We should get inside. We'll grab a seat in the back. So there's less space behind you."
Harry nodded. When he was spiraling like this he felt the need to have /something/ at his back. A wall, a friend, a thick jacket. Anything.
Once the whole class had taken their seats, Lockhart cleared his throat loudly and silence fell. Harry pull his robes tighter around him and Sirius laid down on his feet, closing his eyes as Lockhart started talking. The "professor" introduced himself with far too many titles and a bad joke that no one laughed at. Then he handed out a quiz.
"Of course the questions are all about him." Harry muttered. Sirius sighed and let himself doze off while thinking how much better Remus would be at this job. He was woken after the quiz was over by someone snorting in laughter and Harry's toes digging into his side.
"Well, they're not- they're not very dangerous, are they?" Someone choked out. Sirius perked up.
"Don't be so sure! Devilish tricky little blighters they can be!" Looking up, Sirius caught sight of a cage filled with electric blue pixies, jabbering and rattling the bars.
"Right then," Lockhart said loudly, "Let's see what you make of them." And he opened the cage.
/Moony, why couldn't you be teaching this class?/
Pixies flew everywhere. They sprayed the class with ink and broken glass, shredded books and papers, tore pictures from the wall, and hung poor Neville from the iron chandelier. Sirius yanked Harry under the desk with him.
"Come on now- round them up, round them up, they're only pixies!" Lockhart shouted.
/Maybe if you'd taught them how before opening the cage, moron./ Sirius turned and snapped at a pixie that had started pulling his tail. It made a face at him and flew off.
Lockhart yelled a nonsense spell. When nothing happened, he dove under his desk. The chandelier gave way and Neville fell. Sirius winced, /Poor boy./
The bell rang, and the class scrambled out. Lockhart stopped Harry, Ron, and Hermione. "Well, I'll ask you three to nip the rest of them back into their cage." He slipped past and shut the door behind him.
Ron glanced down at Sirius, who shook his head. They were only pixies. Irritating, but not usually life threatening. Hermione froze two at once and pushed them back into their cage.
"Can you believe him?" Ron gestured towards the door, then scrambled to get one of the pixies out of his hair.
Hermione froze a couple more pixies, "He just wants to give us a hands-on learning experience." Sirius caught a pixie in his mouth and presented it to her. She took it, scratched his head, and shoved it into the cage.
"It doesn't seem like he knows what he's doing." Harry attempted to replicate Hermione's spell. One of the pixies slowed down a little, Sirius jumped up and caught it.
"Don't flourish your wand quite so much, Harry. It'll work better." She advised, "Just look at all the amazing things Lockhart's done-"
"Says he's done." Ron mumbled.