A Bond Flows with Time
“I’ll be back for you, I promise.” Such silly words between two people who had barely seen life, a small insignificant promise made from one to another with no intention of bringing it to fruition. You should’ve put his words out of mind the moment he uttered them, the moment he turned his back on you and left for the last time. You were a starry-eyed teen then with your unruly locks fluffed from the heat, cheeks dirty from sleeping outside to be close to the stars just the night before. He’d indulged you then, allowed you to curl up atop his chest like a small feline, your eyes glued up at the artificial moon above, wondering what a real one looked like. It still shone brightly, revealing the scars along with his right eye. He came to see you after that incident out in the field where he lost two of his close friends. He’d come back to see you, just little you, and in that darkness, he’d allowed you to see the cracks and chips in his nearly impeccable armor.
Shuhei is always composed and assured of himself, but he’d been soft that night, a boy who watched hollows slaughter two people he’d spent days on end with at the academy, training, sharing meals, laughing, bonding. You could only understand a fraction of his feelings because the thought of losing him to that very hollow made every ounce of your being shrivel up inside. He even let you touch the scars on his beautiful face; they made him look harsher, rougher than his once polished image, but how could you not love those two when you loved the rest of him, even that blunt personality?
He was the only one who stayed. Your district is poorer than those closer to the sereitei and things are scarce, but you were happy then when he was by your side. He took care of you in his own way, gathering food for you, giving you whatever he could to keep you warm at night. You can’t remember how the two of you met at this point, but you knew that he had been the first to approach you and you were crying, but the moment you peered up into his assuring face, you knew that everything would be alright, somehow. Without parents or siblings in this world, you would’ve been alone without Shuhei Hisagi by your side. It was young naivety that led you to believe that it would always be the two of you together, even after he spoke of the soul reaper that saved his life, the number 69 becoming such an inspiration to him that he wanted to become a soul reaper as well. It never occurred to you that it would mean his eventual departure.
He has so much spiritual pressure that it’s easy to be accepted into the academy and before long, Shuhei is the pride and joy of your district, so advanced that he’s taken on missions even before earning a seat with the Gotei 13. You congratulate him the moment he’s in view, tossing yourself into his chest like so many times before. You hugged him harder then, crushing him close to your heart; maybe you’d had a bad feeling then, maybe you knew. He’s bashful and nervous, a faint blush on his usually pale cheeks as he scratched the back of his head. He’s wearing his uniform and the way it hugs his figure makes you proud because he doesn’t have to go hungry anymore. Smiling like that at you should be a crime. It’s before the attack, before things change.
That moment is still etched fresh in your mind. He squeezed you back like he missed you. His hold had turned tighter like letting go was out of the question. And you had hoped for it. You can’t remember if you cried or not that day, but you probably had. He was always muttering ‘crybaby’ under his breath whenever your eyes grew wet, but he’d never meant any harm by it unlike the other children.
Inhaling the fresh smell of cherry blossoms, you peered up at the largest tree in the courtyard, the blossoms tumbling down in a slow descent or being carried off by the wind. You watch them flutter off and out of view, one hand poised on the hilt of your zanpakuto. The weapon is still strange to you, almost like a foreign part of yourself that you have yet to get accustomed to. The scabbard is a soft peach shade, the hilt both peach and white with two charms hanging from the pommel. The crossguard is rather delicate with four small circles on each side of the hilt. Sometimes you stare at it, waiting for its spirit to manifest but she still won’t talk to you even after you learned her name. Your shikai form is hard to control with it being so new and you didn’t expect to get this far, to be here in this courtyard just waiting for your Captain-to-be to whisk you away to your promotion ceremony. It’s still unclear as to why someone like you were chosen; you are not as strong as some of the others at the academy in your year, you are not as good of a swordsmen and you could use more training- but it would be a lie to say that you haven’t trained every waking day for an opportunity like this.
You decided you’d do just about anything to see him again, even if you were just a small insignificant remnant of his past. He’d given you hope, breathed life back into your frail bones to the point where you wanted to live once he was gone. You wanted to aspire for something, make yourself of use instead of waiting and hoping that he would come back. And at the academy, you gained a new purpose- you didn’t want all of this to be just for him anymore, you wanted to prove it to yourself that you could do this. There weren’t any ties keeping you to your district anymore. And maybe you wanted to see the look on his face when he realized you’d become stronger, wiser, no longer that little baby who clutched onto him for fear that he would disappear.
Turning your head to the left instantly, your mouth curls up into a nervous, but sweet smile. Captain Kyōraku appeared a moment later, chuckling and shaking his head when he realized he hadn’t surprised you. His kimono billows out behind him and he looks like a part of the scenery in his signature straw hat.
“Your reflexes are even better than last time, (y/n). Or am I just getting too old?” You try to exhale a laugh at his statement because you know that he’s one of the oldest Captains of the Gotei 13 but it just comes out slightly strangled. He reaches and gently pats your shoulder and you offhandedly wonder how many times his hand has had to wield his sword against a Hollow, against another soul? In all of his days, how did he make it through each day without feeling any heaviness… or did he just hide it well?
“Feeling nervous?” Is it that obvious? No matter how hard you tried to stay calm, your insides are beginning to quiver. You were about to walk into the room with the most powerful being in the Gotei 13 and the Soul Society as a whole. Graduating from the academy early didn’t always mean a rightful claim to a Lieutenant seat, let alone a ranked seat at all. You still couldn’t understand why it was you. Having a shikai means nothing if you can’t control it. Shoddy swordsmanship-
“Y-Yeah... Captain, are you sure… I’m the one you want as your second lieutenant?” He had been with Nanao for a long time and she keeps him in line when he’s busy lazing about in the barracks. You’ve seen how they interact, her berating him and him trying to get her to loosen up. They’re family, both physically and figuratively; it almost felt criminal to think that you belonged there with them when you’ve never known a place like it before. Practically grabbing it out of thin air, Captain Kyōraku draped a kimono over your shoulders. It’s not the pink cherry blossoms that adorn his own, but a peachy shade that complements the color of your zanpakuto. Your eyes widen in surprise and all of the nerves dull to a small hum in the back of your head. If you didn’t know restraint, you would’ve already cried from his kindness. The best you can do is glance down, unable to hide your face with your hair tied up in a bun.
“Listen, (y/n). I’ve seen your potential, your drive. You have an unbelievable talent for kido at such a young age. I’ve seen you when you’re serious and you’ve got that look in your eyes. You won’t let me down.” Blinking rapidly, you exhale slowly and reach a hand up to clutch at your new clothing that covers the black shihakusho, his encouragement making you feel better prepared. You speak as Nanao calls out to the both of you about not being late to your ceremony.
“Thank you, Captain. I won’t fail you.”
. xx .
Standing outside of the main hall of the First Division headquarters is surreal. Behind those closed doors, you can almost see them all standing down a line all leading to Captain-Commander Yamamoto. You’ve seen Captain Ukitake once before while you were at the Squad 4 barracks suffering from overexertion just after getting into the Academy. He’d been sickly then and you always wondered if he’d gotten better after his stay. You’d also seen Captain of Squad Five once, in passing. Sōsuke Aizen gave you an odd sense, unsettling and downright uncomfortable. Other than those two instances, you weren’t sure what to expect-
“You may enter.” Captain Kyōraku enters the rapidly opening doors and you fall into his step, keeping your eyes ahead despite feeling so many stares, some of intrigue, some of boredom and disinterest, and then the one. You know that gaze anywhere, felt it on your cheeks and face for years, but no matter how much you want to turn your head and look at him, you don’t. You follow after your captain with your head held high and one hand on your zanpakuto out of habit. When you stand before Yamamoto, you take to one knee and bow your head. You hear him speak of your promotion and respond when it is appropriate, but truthfully, it all goes by so fast that you can hardly remember speaking back to them. All of them have such powerful reishi and it’s a little stuffy having to be around it, but before long, you’re allowed to stand and take your place beside your Captain and Nanao. When Yamamoto dismisses the ceremony, a tall orange-haired woman with light blue eyes is the first to snatch you away from Shunsui’s side.
“Yes, another girl! And you’re so cute too, don’t you think so, Captain?” She said, turning to glance back at a small, white-haired boy with more intense blue eyes. He rolled his eyes and scoffed while crossing his arms. Toshiro Hitsugaya, the child prodigy.
“Rangiku, will you leave her alone and come along. You have more paperwork to do.” Groaning, Rangiku releases your arm, waving as she began to follow Toshiro out.
“Don’t worry, (y/n)! We’ll throw you a welcoming party tonight! Drinks are on me!” You instantly flush when you realize your eyes had started to follow the bouncing of her chest and you quickly wave back before she looks away. Everyone is either kind in their greeting or gone before they make one. Byakuya Kuchiki is one of those silent, brooding types who leave the moment it’s appropriate as is Captain Suì-Fēng of Squad 2 who muttered “waste of my time” under her breath. But other than that, you feel your nerves evaporate by how kind and accepting they all were to someone like you, weaker, an outsider who was gifted with a chance to be on the inside. And when you begin to head back towards those large doors exiting the main hall, you finally gather up enough courage to look- just one look would be enough to satisfy you. Taking in a breath, you turn your head and glance back only to peer into the sharp, gray eyes of Shūhei Hisagi.
His expression is unreadable, neither happy nor sad, upset, or.. Anything. He looked older, those raven locks that once tickled his shoulders now cut short. The grey tattoo along his face is new as is the 69 that now adorned his cheek. Death, sadness, loss, it showed heavy on his shoulders and in the planes of his face- and he’s still undeniably breathtaking to you, so much so that you have to whip your head back around to hide the heat stemming from your face. Lowering your head to hide the blush behind (y/h/l), (y/h/c) tresses, you follow after Nanao and let the throbbing in your chest remind you that this was no dream. You were here, in a world that Shuhei lived in, no longer an outsider desperately trying to slip in.
Having copious amounts of paperwork on your first day is not what you had in mind, but you fall into your work as a way to keep the daydreams from knocking on your skull. Nanao is a nice, comforting force to be around and you find yourself more comfortable in your position because of her and her eye for detail. She constantly tells Shunsui off for being such a slacker and he just ignores her or tells her to loosen up with some sake.
“Now, now, don’t make (y/n) think badly of me,” Shunsui whined from his seat on a plush cushion, a small glass of sake in hand as he continued to comfortably laze around. If anything, she just reaffirmed your suspicions that you’re going to be doing most of the work he should be doing himself but you don’t mind. The lively atmosphere feels good and you feel right at home. Nanao scoffs and drops a few more binders of work that he catches before taking a sip.
“As if. I’m sure she can already see how lazy you are.” Pushing up her glasses, she turns on her heels and stalks away, shaking her head and muttering under her breath. Chuckling at her reaction, Shunsui opens the binder and takes a peek before closing it back and nudging it towards your direction.
“(y/n), be a dear and drop this off to a squad barracks for me.” You notice a shift in his expression, his lips turning up into a very apparent smirk. It hits you that he must know something about your past for him to look at you with such mirth before stating which barrack. The look of terror on your face only confirms it to him.
“Which squad, Captain?”
“Squad Nine. Deliver it to Lieutenant Hisagi.” Smiling, Shunsui takes another sip of his sake and grins mischievously, “And take your time. Getting to know your way around will be important if I need you to deliver anything to the other squads.”
The binder is heavy in your grasp and you clutch it to your chest for fear of dropping it and letting its contents fly away. It would be terrible to lose confidential files on your first day and you didn’t want to disappoint Nanao or Shunsui but you can’t help the way the binder trembles in your grasp. You take to the rooftops to keep out of the way, easily lunging from building to building while others mill about or train with each other. You take a few turns, a sharp left and then right, before slowing down when you realize that he’s close by. It’s easy to feel Shuhei’s spiritual pressure through all of the different auras; you can almost see it, too, after having been around it since childhood. He did say I could take my time, you think as you take a seat right there on the roof, still holding the files to your chest. The nerves are even worse than back in the main hall, even worse than the last time you saw him when he hugged you and made that silly promise, even worse than those feelings of belonging every time you were by his side and suddenly feeling devastated when you weren’t.
This irrational sensation is closer to fear. You’re scared of what he’ll say when he sees you and there is no one else around to witness it. You’re terrified of him dismissing you and your efforts or saying that he left because he didn’t want to see you anymore. That’s the real reason you can’t muster up the last few steps to the Squad 9 barracks.
“The worst is that he won’t want to talk to me, but I do have to deliver the files anyway,” You murmur to yourself, hating that you’re right. You stand and step to the edge of the rooftop, falling and manipulating the wind to gracefully land on your feet, your kimono fluttering behind you. You like the way it fits your body like a form of protection and you feel more invigorated because of it. You walk towards the barrack entrance, it’s doors wide open with people coming in and out and just as you’re about to enter, you quickly turn and twist your body around out of reflex, your radar going off the moment his spiritual pressure is in your range. Your senses prove right as you lift your head to stare up and up some more at Shuhei. Kami had blessed him with more height while you had stagnated long ago and it was much too late now.
“Ah-” You start while your throat chooses that opportunity to clog up with a plethora of words unspoken. Shuhei stares down at you, his expression giving nothing away, his eyes appearing sharper in the sunlight.
“What are you doing here?” He won’t even say my name.. His tone is calm and deep but it doesn’t bring you any comfort. It only causes you more distress. You fumble for a moment before unceremoniously shoving the binder into his arms, your fingers shaking as your face scrunches up. You break eye contact and look down so he can’t see the growing hurt on your face. This is just... It’s irrational. You shouldn’t feel so riled up just because he didn’t say your name. He won’t smile at you. He won’t talk to you the way he used to. All of the softness is gone. Your presence- it doesn’t-
“That’s from Captain Kyōraku. P-Please look through it carefully,” The words weigh down your tongue but you force them out as best you can and stalk past him at a brisk pace. It was silly to think that you could handle this in the first place, your zanpakuto just another weight on your hip and now a reminder for what you’ve signed yourself to. You thought that he’d be... At least happy to see you, at least as happy as you were when you pictured some fated meeting in the Seireitei. He’d hug you close and murmur in your ear about how hard it was these last few years being without you. And maybe he’d ask you to never leave his side again. All a pretty fantasy-
“Hey, are you even listening? I said hold on, (y/n)- Just wait a minute!” Your feet stop before you realize he’d been talking to you, but the sound of your name in that gruff tone makes the tears brim in your eyes. Before they have the chance to spill, Shuhei is already standing before you, towering over you in a way he never did before. Binder in one hand, he reaches with the other to catch the tears before they even have the chance to fall. His hands are rougher, calloused from use, and you hate how you unconsciously leaned into it. You hate that he still has a way of swaying your emotions with a single touch.
. xx .
He doesn’t stop her as she pressed her cheek into his hands; his eyes are busy drinking in her plush cheeks and full lips, her lashes brushing against her cheeks every time she blinks and how much she’s changed yet stayed the same. Still small, still adorable, still a crybaby. But she isn’t the same girl he had to leave behind; she'd grown tougher, her spiritual pressure impressive and only growing with her emotions to the point where she had her very own zanpakuto and with it, a shikai... He’d been a shikigami for so long that it had dulled him to almost everything, but never her. When he heard that she had been chosen to become a lieutenant, his mind had grown blank for the first time, his chest squeezing tight when he remembered the promise he couldn’t keep. Those who lived in the rukongai weren’t allowed here, no matter who they were or if they were important. He’d even gotten on his knees to ask for permission to take her there with him, only for it to be denied, and his duties to expand to the point where he couldn’t see her.
That had been a major factor in his sadness, his loneliness, and his guilt at having to leave her with a promise that would go unfulfilled. And yet- Shuhei knows loss, pain, suffering, watching it and aiding in ending hollow’s lives, but not being able to see her smiling face, her radiance, her sunny disposition hurt. He knew why; he’d always known in the back of his mind but the word ‘love’ had never been a part of his vocabulary. He felt like a caretaker, a protector, her bodyguard when they were children and teens, but never a lover. He could never see someone like himself, sullied, a killer, with someone so pure. That’s why he was shocked to see her now, draped in a custom kimono with a zanpakuto by her side, beginning to cry the way she did so many years ago.
“Crybaby,” He sighed, lowering his hand to open up his arm instead. Instinctively, she presses her face into his chest, his bare arm carefully crushing her to him. It’s embarrassing because members of his Squad are whispering to each other as they pass by, some smirking or others giving him dirty looks. After all, it must be his fault that she’s crying and it honestly is. She shakes her head at the nickname, hiccuping and hugging him back. Her tears are staining his shihakusho but he doesn’t care. Now that she’s in his arms, he’s not sure he has the strength to give her back.
“Are you finished?” He asked after a few minutes pass with soft sniffles. His nose crinkles when she purposely wiped her face off on his shirt, her bubbly laugh coupled with a few cute hiccups when she saw his expression.
“Y-Yeah..” She cleared her throat and broke contact, backing up a few paces. Her warmth is quickly sucked away and he wants it back, “Thank you..” He goes back to wipe at her cheeks a bit more, cupping it and stroking it with his thumb, unsure of the expression on his face or if it reveals everything he feels.
“Don’t thank me, (y/n),” Giving in and dropping his hand, Shuhei formed a fist and mentally wracked his brain for a way to see her again so that he could tell her everything he had been holding onto, including a secret.
“Then, ah, I should g-get going..” She’s bashful now, eyes a bit puffy and red. He doesn’t have much time before he has to continue his duties and she has to get back to her barracks. Quickly thinking of a plan, Shuhei murmured for her ears alone.
“Your welcoming party. I’ll be there, okay?” Her nod is enough for him to feel at ease, his gaze watching her quickly jump and land on the rooftop of a building nearby, taking off quickly. When she’s out of sight, Shuhei practically staggers into the barracks, face red and chest tightening as his heart races wildly in his chest. She’sobeautifulohmygodwhatamIgonnadoIloveher [ translates to she’s so beautiful, oh my god, what am I gonna do, I love her. ]
. xx .
“How was your time at the Squad 9 barracks?” Shunsui called, hiding the lower portion of his smirking face behind a traditional fan. His eyes narrow playfully as your hands tremble and drop another stack of papers, your face, and actions both a clear give away that you had the opportunity to talk to Shuhei Hisagi. Now, Shunsui usually sticks to his own affairs, but when he heard about her being from the same district as Shuhei and the way the 9th’s lieutenant had begged on his knees for a girl to come back with him from the Rukongai… Call him addicted to love, but witnessing her skill was enough for her to deserve the chance and promotion, it just happened to be a nice cherry on top that she could be reunited with someone she must’ve cared deeply for. She could barely look at him during the promotion ceremony without her face flushing. Ah, young love-
“How about instead of trying to play matchmaker, you get off your butt and do your paperwork!” Nanao is pissed again, but Shunsui can’t help but dodge out of the way of an incoming fist, singing about true love prevailing while his new lieutenant tried not to pass out from nerves and knowing that Nanao also knew all about her “steamy love affair.”
Your first workday is full of laughter and watching Nanao’s secret strength. She’s different from you, more assured of herself, so knowledgeable about everything, and easy to talk to. She helps you through different forms of paperwork and teaches you about filling, adding your own seal, and distributing assignments to other members of the squad. You can admit to yourself that you had built it all up in your head from the start- you enjoyed the nice, playful atmosphere and fell into it before you even realized it. Before long, the sun is sinking with hues of orange and pink on the artificial horizon and Shunsui is releasing you of your assignments to prepare for your very real welcoming party. You follow Nanao to your room located on the second floor of the barracks, your room rather bare except for the few things you kept from your days in your old district.
“I’ll be back in 20 minutes. You have hot springs just through that door to the left.” Smiling softly, you thank her and slide your door closed, taking a closer look around. There is a folded up kimono with a similar peach hue like the one you already have on and you realize it must be another gift from your captain. You still don’t understand what he saw in you, but you would be forever grateful for it.
You push off your kimono, letting the garment drop to the floor before stripping down fully and heading to the sliding door. the miniature hot springs are quiet and quaint with a view of the changing horizon. You hummed a soft tune as you watched the sun sink lower and lower every few minutes, content as you sunk further into the heated water. The day had been the best you’d seen since losing contact with Shuhei.
After soaking your bones, you felt refreshed and began to dress in the new kimono, leaving your (y/h/l) tresses down to case your plump cheeks. You tie you zanpakuto to your obi just as Nanao knocks on your door, still clad in her normal shihakusho. She murmured to herself “I told him this one would’ve been better for the ceremony but he never listens” and shook her head as you stepped out and slid the door closed behind you. The night air is slightly chilly but not unkind and it reminds you of the nights you used to spend under the stars with nothing but tattered pieces between you and Shuhei, clutching at each other for warmth, afraid that if one let go, then the other would go missing. Maybe it was just you and your silly attachment. The two of you make your way out of the barracks, falling in step with a few other shikigami from other squads who are all heading to your party. It’s strange to be congratulated while walking along, clearing your throat and trying to voice your sentiment at each of them before eventually nodding and smiling.
“Don’t be alarmed but- Rangiku may have gone overboard,” Nanao warned and you blinked a few times when she does slide open the door into the shikigami bar, eyes widening at the sheer amount of black shihakushos in the establishment. There isn’t a spare seat in sight and all you see are happy blushing faces, hands full of sake, and bottles being passed around. You were never one for drinking, but seeing as it is a party… maybe a drink wouldn’t be too bad?
“Looks like our last guest of honor is here! Let’s drink to (y/n)!” Rangiku’s voice echoed over the hoard of men and women who yelled in succession, a glass being pressed into your fingers as everyone tipped back their heads and let the liquor run free. Nanao easily found a place by Momo of Squad 5 and Izuru of Squad 3 but before you start to feel anxious, a hand gently rests on your lower back. You look up, lips unconsciously curling up when you meet Shuhei’s gaze. You let him guide you through the drinking shikigami to a clear table in the back corner, most of the shikigami in the vicinity too drunk or still cheering to stop either of you. Some of them probably had no idea who they were celebrating, but it was fun to see them all having such a good time.
Shuhei carefully takes her drink so that she can sit, placing it back in her hands before sitting before her, his expression calm while his insides began to burn. Her hair had grown longer in their time apart, the locks falling to frame her face, her big eyes peering at her cup before peeking up at him through thick lashes. It leaves him breathless all over again and he had to stop himself from pulling them outside and away from the drunken crowd. He wants to hold her close to his chest like when they were little, stroking his fingers through her hair until she dozed off, warmed by his closeness.
Her fingers tremble slightly as they wrap around the cup once more, her gaze lowering to peer at the table instead of meeting his intense gaze. He’s always looked intimidating, bordering on frightening, but he can’t help it. His expression is even worse with his nerves twisting up his gut. He had so much he wanted to say but now that they are together again, he finds himself speechless. Did he have the right to ask her how she joined the academy? When did she decide she wanted to be a shikigami? Did she miss him the way he missed her, with such an ache that he could barely sleep in the beginning, staying up long into the night until his body could no longer stand it? It was too selfish to think that she came to see him, to be with him, that she felt the same brimming, almost human, emotion. They’ve always been close, much closer than everyone else when they were kids and teens. They were close before he left her behind.
The guilt still weighs him down.
“You look… happy,” He said, his voice reaching her over the noise of rambunctious shikigami. Her eyes meet his and the smile that morphs her face is almost blinding. She taps at her cup with fingernails before exhaling and raising the cup to her lips from a sip. Once she set the cup down, she responded in kind, beaming over at him.
“I.. I am. After you took your position, I realized I wanted to do something that would make me a better person, a happier person... I didn’t k-know if going to the academy would work or that I would even be chosen but... I tried really hard. I didn’t want to be left behind.” I didn’t want you to forget about me. I didn’t want you to leave me alone anymore. The unspoken words brand your tongue and you quickly gulp down liquid courage to keep your nerves intact. Your fingers are shaking but the sting of alcohol makes it unnoticeable. Shuhei can see it, how your hands make the glass itself shake and despite his nerves, he decides to stop being a coward and reaches out his hand to cover yours; the shaking stops instantly and his touch is like a rush of static through your chest. You can’t not feel his warmth now that it’s there and you don’t want to drink yourself into a stupor and forget about this by tomorrow morning.
“I’m sorry that I couldn’t take you away, the way I promised… I’m sorry I failed you. Not once did I…” He trails off, his nerves wavering before she decides for him. Shaking her head to gather her nerves, she draws back enough to break contact between them, leaving her near-empty glass and standing on shaky footing. Whatever was in the glass was stronger than she expected, but with everyone laughing and shouting around her, she still felt comfortable. But she didn’t want anyone else to share this moment with her- she just wanted it to be them again. She peers down at him before her eyes subtly shift for the door. Drifting through the moving bodies is easy because everyone is too drunk off their asses to notice that the reason for the party is drifting out a side door with Shuhei Hisagi sliding out past her.
The artificial moon is pretty for what it is and he is thankful for the way it illuminates her face and those (e/c) eyes, glimmering with hope and alcohol and things he wants to know but has never felt the right to ask. They fall into step beside each other, close, but not close enough, hands brushing against each other with the want to grasp on tight.
“The first time I went to the world of the living, I’d been so overwhelmed by the way humans are. They feel so much in the time they have, the little things make them happy even when it will vanish into memories or eventually become something painful. And I’d never seen the way they love things, objects, creatures, each other. I couldn’t understand what they were feeling..” Inhaling, Shuhei stops walking, his hand grasping onto hers finally before she can pass him. She’d been listening, both dizzy and alive with the alcohol leaving her warm inside despite it quickly dissipating. Her face feels too hot, clothes too heavy, but she can’t run away from this and she doesn’t want to even if she feels too nervous.
“But then I thought about the way I always felt when we were together. How much I wanted to take you with me when I became a shikigami, a lieutenant, and how much it hurt to be away from you for so long. I don’t know if this is the human kind of love, but it’s mine. You’re too good for me and always have been and I admit that I am not good at expressing what I feel or being open but- if I.. If.”
His hands feel clammy, his voice rough and unruly. It’s happening, he’s shutting down without even having the courage to finally just say it. I love you. I love you. I love you. No matter how many times he says it in his head, in his heart, the words won’t come out. He’d practiced this shitty speech since they’d met earlier that day, to just lay it all out on the table. But now, he can feel the want to hide under a rock and pretend it never happened. She could have anyone she wanted, why would she pick someone so fucked up like him?
“I-I have never been to the world of the living but... I think I know how you f-feel. Our time together, all of our memories, are so ss-special to me. I don’t want.. Anyone else but you, Shuhei. I never d-did... And even though you couldn’t t-take me with you, I made my own way back to you. I don’t need to b-be protected anymore. I just want to be loved.”
Maybe it’s her use of the word love that cracks his armor. Maybe it’s the dreamy look in her eye or the bright light of the moon or how her fingers feel coiled with his own. He pulls her close, her clumsiness making her stumble right into his chest. Her hair is softer than he remembers as he strokes a hand over the waves, cupping the back of her head when she looked up at him, giving him that look that would make him do anything in the world that she asked of.
“I love you, (y/n).” His voice barely registers above a whisper but she hears it and he finds himself with an armful of you as you balance on the tips of your toes to kiss at his jaw, having missed direct contact with his lips. Chuckling softly, Shuhei pressed a kiss to your forehead and nothing more, respecting that you are still a bit dazed from the alcohol and he’s still a gentleman.
“I love you, too.” It’s easier to express now that you are past thinking he hadn’t missed you or thought of you. It’s easy now that he’s here in the flesh and you can feel the blood pumping quickly through his heart where you lay your head on his chest. He’s easy to read and no matter the amount of time you’ve spent apart, he feels the same, sounds the same, embarrassed and too modest. Pressing one last kiss to your forehead, Shuhei separates himself from you but keeps a tight hold of your hand; you faintly hear him say he’ll take you home and you remember nodding your head, but your thoughts are frosted over and glazy and his hand guides you along or else you’d get lost on the way back to your barracks. Somewhere along the way, you recall him picking you up and holding you to his chest because you’re tired, and the last thing you remember is him saying, “I knew you were the one.”
. x .
You wake with a start, cheeks flushed and eyes too sensitive from the light streaming in from a small window. You glance around before realizing that you’re back in your new room, still clothed from last night. Your head lightly throbs as you sit up slowly, mouth too dry to even speak. You see your zanpakuto laid carefully on a small table, along with a cup of what looks like water and a white sheet of paper with impeccable handwriting: “Read me. From Shuhei.” Scooting over while still sitting, you first reach for the cup and gladly down the contents, the water refreshing and just what you needed. After you set the glass back down, you reach for the note and turn it over, blinking a few times for the words to come into view.
“I hope you aren’t hungover from that one drink. I promise I took care of you well last night and look at your wrist.
Come and find me when you have a free moment.”
Shuhei.
Right after you read contents, your eyes shift to look at your left wrist, but there’s nothing there. You lift your right hand next and are instantly drawn to the thick, inky letters draped over your once bare wrist. The letters are jagged as if written with too much vigor and not enough care, but you can see a smoothness in the mad arches of his name. Shuhei. His name is written loud and proud across your wrist, encasing it to the other side and reminding you of some sort of bracelet. But for this to happen... For his name to be here- it could only mean that out of anyone in the vastness of the Seireitei… you belonged to no one better than Shuhei Hisagi. Dropping the note, you propel yourself up and instantly groan from the throbbing headache, slowing down in your morning routine so that it hurts less. But you’re buzzing with too much energy, too much emotion, too much love.
“He’s my Bonded. Mine.” The idea that your name isn’t in the same place never crosses your mind because it wouldn’t matter. Your Bonded tattoo was enough of a sign that all of your feelings for Shuhei had been real, would always be real, even when the memories turn to ash and dust. Even if one day, you are the only one to remember them.
“So I see the party was a success,” Captain Shunsui chuckled the moment you are within view, right on time for your post, your wrist unable to be hidden under your shihakusho or peach themed kimono. You cough loudly and try to hide the tattoo under a stack of papers, only for a binder to crash into your captains head.
“Enough talk! Captain, you better start signing and leave (y/n) alone! Grimy old man.”
“But my little Nanao, she’s happy! See!” The two continue to bicker as you start to sign off on a few copies, unable to stop smiling to yourself. As soon as you had a free moment, you’d be off to his barracks to see him and finally get that kiss you missed last night.
If only the time would fly. 💕