A Bond Can be Misunderstood
“Will you miss me when I am no longer in Midgard?” Loki’s question permeates the quiet just as you are beginning to drift off, your eyes fluttering open to meet the darkness of the room. You lay together in sheets of fine silk because your Bonded insists upon it and you don’t have the heart to tell him that you would be fine with sheets from K Mart as long as he remained lying beside you. The truth is that you will not just miss your lover of another world, but you would ache terribly without him. You can feel his stare against the contours of your face through the darkness and you know that he is waiting on you to respond, he can tell you’re awake just by the fluctuation of your breathing. Breathing in his scent of spice and magic wrapped up with old volumes, you merely nod against his bare chest. You can already feel that twinge in your chest from every time he has to leave you for an extended stay in Asgard, always wondering when he’ll return.
“Of course I will,” You finally whisper after some time, voice small. What kind of a question is that anyway? You had spent a full year and a half at the mercy of the trickster, had grown used to his language and humor and the long stretches of time he adores reading thick volumes of old magical text. And you try not to feel so terrible; even Gods deserve a chance to return home. You could hold back the selfish emotions and let him go for a few days, weeks even. Even if it hurts to miss anniversaries or the time he missed your birthday. But those are trivial; they don’t equant to how much he cares for you or how much you love him, “But it is nice for you to return home, isn’t it?” Loki’s cool chest snuggles in closer to your naturally warm body and you allow your eyes to close once more as you drift along the shores leading to sleep.
“The only home I know is here. So… I suppose yes, it will be nice to return to you, (y/n).” That sweet tone of his voice is not lost to you, even as you drift along the tides, and your mouth gives a valiant attempt at a smile as you doodle a small heart against his hip. He’s always like this when you are alone; his words drip from his silver tongue like honey straight from the comb. It was hard not to be taken in all over again by his words once the two of you had grown comfortable and close with one another. You’ve never even had a single fight, and the rest of the Avengers team is always shocked at how you can put up with the prince when he’s in one of his moods.
“I love you,” Is your reply before you finally go under, piled under silken sheets and still feeling cool to the touch. Loki can find no rest when the remnants of your sorrow are still there in the air and along your tightly wound bond, so strong that he is sure that nothing will ever tear you away from him. His love for you is too strong, too monstrous to be overtaken by any other… and he wouldn’t be able to exist in a world where you did not belong to him and his mark did not lay claim to your skin. With a quiet sigh, the god of mischief presses a feathery soft kiss to your messy locks and closes his eyes to rest before his journey the next day, knowing he’d be leaving half of his very being right there under pristine covers.
When you awake the next morning, the bed is cold- frigid with his departure. It almost breaks your heart whenever he does this; Loki is horrified with goodbyes. You learned this once the two of you grew closer and had shared enough time together for him to completely trust you with his intimate secrets. He felt goodbyes were the end and so he chose to leave without one wherever he went, and even now when it regarded you. You wanted to be upset with him for never giving you a parting kiss but you can’t bring yourself to feel that way towards him when you love him so much. Still, the morning he leaves is always lonely and cold. You aren’t an avenger, and so, you get up and decided to go about your day the way you normally would, minus being pulled back under the covers for searing kisses that leave you giddy and hot. But alas, Loki is no longer in your realm and you slip into your pretense of calm, greeting the waking avengers with a bright smile and homemade pancakes.
The tower is much farther from your apartment, but you don’t mind the subway ride back to your other home; Loki continues to call your house a tiny box meant for an ant but you let it slide because again, love is a powerful thing, and he did have a point. It was the first apartment you had ever purchased when you moved out of your parent's house and it meant a lot to you despite it being tiny.. It was too much to just sell it and sometimes you liked to venture back for some alone time without the trickster watching you like a hawk. He could be rather… territorial when it came to you and didn’t like it when you ventured too far, which included the apartment. That was ironic coming from him when he would literally go to another dimension for weeks on end- but that is where his home is no matter how much he denies it.
Humming softly to a tune in your head, you tap at your thigh as you sit across from an empty seat, drifting through thoughts as the subway made its turn around a bend, indicating that the next stop in about 20 minutes would be yours. You crack your knuckles and reach into your burlap bag in search of the iPod you’ve had since high school, stocked with the latest and the greatest. Tugging it free with the headphones attached, you power up the device and pop an earbud into your ear, instantly beginning to hum to the soft tune wafting to you from the device.
“Listening to a jam, (y/n)?” The familiar voice called to you from the seat across from you. Your gaze raises at the question and a smile instantly touches your lips at the sight of an Avenger, and friend, Scott Lange. The Antman is out of uniform and dressed in a pair of comfortable jeans and a black jacket, that joking smile always on his face. You first met him when Steve recruited him after hearing about how easily he took on Sam, and now he seemed to be a regular with how often he dropped by the tower on the way to his civilian job. Of course, it wasn’t known that he was Antman anymore, what with the arrest coming to an end and him having to stay in the good graces of the police or else he’d face even worse charges next time
Scott was nice and always had an easy-going presence. Where the rest of the Avengers felt larger than life and almost intimidating to be around, he felt the most normal and down to earth. Maybe that was the reason it was so easy to talk to him; it was like having a conversation with an old friend instead of a hero who’d risked his life multiple times.
“Definitely, if you consider the early 2000s jams. Want to come and listen with me?” You asked, raising up the other earbud. Scott nodded eagerly and quickly stood to change seats, plopping down in the seat beside you and snagging the earbud from you with a goofy flourish. He was always making you laugh whenever you were both in the same vicinity and it was a welcomed change from the norm. The both of you share comfortable conversation and equally comfortable silence besides quietly singing along to the tunes on your ipod touch. Much too soon, it’s your stop and you give a parting laugh to your friend before stealing your earbud back and making your way off the train.
You had no idea that a chance meeting outside of the tower would bring you one of the best friendships you’d ever find. You go about your day as any other would, tidying up your dusky apartment and singing rambunctiously to an empty crowd. As you clean about, you sift through thoughts of your Bonded and what he could possibly be up to on Asgard. Despite the closeness of your souls, he never reached out to you over the bond when he was away; he never tried to ask if you were alright or even tell you about his thoughts while on his home world. And you try to rationalize it inside your mind- maybe your bond couldn’t be felt from worlds away or maybe he just didn’t want to sense it. Even such a negative thought like that is easily brushed away. You don’t like having dark thoughts like that because you knew that he would be able to tell the moment he stepped foot on Midgard again… whenever that would be. And the thoughts about his long departures grow more intense with each visit to Asgard and your natural questioning self is beginning to question, well, him . Why does he go back if he claimed to call you home? Why go back to a place that once ridiculed him and locked him away? Why do that at all when he could just- he could stay. But ruling Asgard had always been his dream and you had a feeling that not even you could wake him from the idea. Not even you could make the trickster settle in one place: here on Midgard with you.
And- why would he want to? Sure, you are connected through a Bond so strong that he can’t get rid of it with his magic and he claims to care for you so much and want to hold you in the palm of his hand forever, but when it came down to it, you are as ordinary as they come. And that thought is only magnified each time you meet a Bonded tied to an avenger. Each and everyone has held such a special quality that you feel you just don’t have. Whether someone’s a witch or mutant or genius- each and everyone of them could contribute in a way that you could only offer a smile and words of comfort. You are not a hero; although people in your neighborhood with disagree with how you take care of your community with the soup kitchen and babysitting and having a sunny disposition. But you can’t fight off monsters.. You are weak and human, something even Loki had uttered when he first met you. Back then, he had dismissed you and you had felt the crushing blow. And at the end of the day, the question still sat in the back of your mind: Maybe he had found someone better on Asgard and that gave reason to his distance and frequent stints on his home world.
Another day passes onto a week and another and you find solace in your apartment with frequent visits to Avenger’s Tower when you aren’t taking on more work than you should. You find that throwing yourself into your philanthropy and a steady job in the infant ward at the hospital by your apartment is the best remedy for your deteriorating emotional wall; the harder you work to care for those around you, the easier it is to swallow down your growing insecurities. But the best remedy is spending quality time with others in and outside of the tower. The more time you are alone, the more you try to open yourself up to the other Avengers in your life and you find that they are extraordinary without wearing a suit, although Tony likes to boast about his aesthetics in and outside of the Iron Man persona. Steve is kind, and his Bonded likes to bake cupcakes in all her free time and likes to go to the bookstore with you to spend an obscene amount on the newest issues. Vision is kind and reminds you of a father in the way that he tries to understand all things as not just what they are, but what they could be. He sees the good in people and Wanda is good for him.
But, more often than not, your interactions are most frequent with Scott, and by extension, Hope. Your train rides are an enjoyable moment to laugh over the silly songs on your outdated iPod and Scott is always willing to lend a shoulder or sympathetic ear when you are too full of turmoil to reveal your bright smile to the world. In the time that Loki had virtually vanished, Scott kept you floated and you quickly became fast and close friends. Being with Scott is not nerve-wracking or full of the need to put on the best face possible; in fact, Scott has seen you cry. And Hope is not threatened by your friendship with him. She proves to be sensible when Scott is downright ridiculous and can give you an objective perspective on things. The two of you go shopping and chat over this and that and you are stunned by how humble Hope is, how much love she has to give, and how her upbringing has made her into the person she is.
When a few weeks turns into a few months, it doesn’t hit you that may Loki isn’t coming back. Perhaps he’s in trouble or something happened on Asgard that needed his direct attention and knowing the trickster, he would deal with the issue head-on without anyone telling him otherwise. You try to keep your emotions under wraps, but it is becoming harder and harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel when the space is growing smaller. Your Bond feels smaller as well, most likely caused by your lack of communication with Loki.
Bonds are affected by distance, time, and feelings among a plethora of things. Without constant contact with your Bonded, your connection to them can grow slow or small before eventually naturally severing. The longer a Bonded goes without contact, the quicker this split can happen, even by accident. Along with this, if you are feeling stressed or pressured, your Bond is affect in that it can grow unstable on your end. And with your elevated feelings about Loki being away for so long, it was only a matter of time before something did happen.
.
“Hey, anyone want pizza?” Scott offered to the patrons scattered on the couches and loveseat in front of the large television. The team usually had a movie night dedicated to a theme with any member invited if they felt like it and sometimes Scott and Hope would join when not working for Mr. Pym on more Pym Particle upgrades to their suites. That night, the theme had been magic with the unanimous vote ending with the choice of “Stardust.” At the offer of picking up the pizza, you decided to be helpful and tag along with Scott and Clint since the closest pizza place was within a short distance and would be faster than delivery. When you left, you could feel a small twinge in your Bond full of longing, indicating that Loki had reached out of his own free volition. You instantly reciprocate the feelings, reaching out across the sensitive tether to relay that you felt the same, that you missed him more than words could convey. It is the first time in a while that you find yourself smiling a true smile as Clint uses Tony’s card to purchase the boxes of pizza, all adhering to someone’s taste buds. You take a couple of the boxes despite them trying to carry more than the other, and the trio of you make your way back to the tower.
Your laughter rings out as you step foot off of the elevator into the living room, the joke Scott told on the way up almost making you drop the boxes of pizza you took charge of. Clint snorted at your giddy behavior, but it all seemed to pause when you realized it was too quiet when there should’ve been a room full of people complaining about them taking their sweet time coming back to the tower. You take a glance around the room and everyone seemed oddly tight lipped. You handed off your boxes to Scott before venturing towards your previous seat now stolen by Wanda.
“Did something happen?” You ask out of curiosity since no one bothered to glance at you. It looked like actions of a vastly guilty party and something you noticed right away.
“Ah, from what I’ve learned, it seems that Loki came back early and got upset that you weren’t here- he’s in his room,” She murmured to you, noticing that everyone is listening extremely hard and how they all released equally loud sighs. Your mouth begins to droop as you realize what you felt earlier was more than just Loki reaching out, it was his return to Midgard and to you. You thank Wanda before turning and heading for the elevator, intent on seeing your Bonded who had been gone for months. The ride up only takes a few minutes before you walk out onto the floor and wrap your arms around yourself when goosebumps instantly break out over your skin. The floor felt cold and chilly and you’d never known Loki to ice over a room like this.
“Loki?” You called softly as you entered the room, the temperature dropping quickly before rising up again. You feel Loki before you seem him, his part of the bond shaking and his frame rigid against the bed.
“I didn’t know you were back-” You start, only for the look in his eyes to suck away anything else you wanted to say. He felt… off, and you couldn’t imagine what could’ve happened on Asgard for him to react like this.
“I suppose you wouldn’t, given your propensity to spend your time with garbage.” He spat at you and the words feel like a slap to the face. You unconsciously take a step back as you stare at him and try to come to terms with what was just spoken into existence.
“W-What? What do you mean?” Loki peers at you, his skin growing paler as he finally stands to face you head on. You can feel the conflict in him and a fight between the need to cause damage and the want to hold you close.
“I’ve been gone for months and all you’ve been doing is spending your time with a little ant? What do you take me for, (y/n)? Do you enjoy this? I trusted you.” He’s talking down at you as if you are just anyone, as if you hadn’t been waiting for him to take his sweet time to come back to you. But this went beyond anything he had ever done or said to you before. When you realize his implication of your friendship with Scott, all of the feelings you’d bottled up inside for months finally bubbled to the surface and erupted from your mouth.
“How dare you! I-I wait months for you to come home because isn’t that what you said? You called me your home but you stay on Asgard for so long that I feel our Bond dying. I feel you slipping away and to make myself feel better, I made friends. Scott has been nothing but good to me while you were off doing whatever you want in the galaxy. Say what you want about me, but don’t you dare disrespect someone who was there for me when you weren’t. And if you’ve just been spying on me instead of reaching out and talking to me or even giving me a sign… then you aren’t who I thought you were.” Your voice had grown loud enough for everyone to hear but you could barely hear a word over your harsh breathing. The room is no longer cold, but Loki looks stunned into complete silence. You’ve never had a fight before let alone you raising your voice at anyone. It’s not the type of person you are but you can’t help yourself anymore. Loki has done nothing because he wasn’t there.
“(y/n), I didn’t-”
“Mean it? Yes, you did. You always do. And I just ignored everything wrong. The time you missed my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine's Day! Every time I wanted to share something with you or just see you. And I get it, those are silly human notions that you will never understand and I am nothing but a stupid human girl who loves you.” Inhaling sharply, you turn on your heel and stalk away before he can see the tears forming in your eyes. The guilt over what you’ve said is already coming fast, eating away at the rest of your courage and forcing you to walk faster. Loki’s hand latches onto your wrist and makes you flinch away from his touch for the first time.
“Wait, I- (y/n), I couldn’t come back yet with things on Asgard as they were. And I did keep watch to make certain of your safety, but the amount of time-”
“You only watched to make sure I was still yours? Instead of trusting me the way I always put my trust in you? You're the one who’s killed, who’s stolen, who’s tricked others and I never doubted you one time. I always told myself that you’d be back because you love me.” The stinging admission runs you ragged.
“ I do love you! ” His grip tightens on your wrist and you shake it off as hard as you can until he realizes and lets go before he unintentionally breaks something, but he already has.
“I’m going home now… Don’t follow me..” You murmur after a silent beat, wanting to be anywhere but in Loki’s presence. Everything hurts with a pain you’ve never experienced before. All of the other men you’d been with prior, even if they broke up with you because of your hectic or busy schedule, never hurt you this way. You’d been fine with it because you knew deep down that they weren’t the one, but Loki is, and yet his distrust in you felt like stepping on shattered glass.
Loki watched her leave and for all of his posturing, his hands are shaking and for the first time, he doesn’t know what went wrong. He’d be angry and vapid, condescending and rude, and worst of all, he’d made assumptions merely based on watching over her. But watching her had brought him more joy than ruling over Asgard in his father’s stead. The only reason he even stayed was to delegate and reform outside of Thor’s knowledge because as much as he’d like to think he’s changed, that he could rise above, he fell back into the same old tricks and dishonesty with the people of Asgard. Time away had hardened him to you and the bond that you share and now that he was tethered to Midgard once again, his Bond felt colder than his true form.
“Way to go, champ. That sure went well,” Tony exhaled loudly when Loki stepped onto the floor, his face stoic. The trickster tried his best to ignore him before his eyes set on the man with power over ants. Loki isn’t good with words, that’s why most of the time he just liked to listen to you go on and babble about trivial human things with a smile on your face. He doesn’t like sharing because his memories are not fond the way yours are; all he’s known up until now was pain and disappointment and feeling like a failure to his mother and father and even more so, his brother. He had a way of lashing out to protect himself and it had been that way for a very long time. Just when he thought that he had moved past this childish flaw, he found himself back at the beginning, the picture of hurt on your face enough to make him admit to himself that he was truly wrong.
“Man of ants, I’d like a word,” He tried to come off as neutral, but his hands are balled into fists and his mouth is getting oftly close to a scowl.
“Sure thing, what can I help you with? You wanna yell at me too or?” Ignoring the intense want to transfigure him into a true ant, Loki sucks in his pride for a better cause. He owed you an apology but it was obvious that with the man of ants at your ear, he had to move through Scott to get to you.
“I wanted to thank you for looking after her the most while I reigned over Asgard. That is all,” Short. Simple. Straight to the point. Loki felt like gagging at having to apologize despite it being the right thing to do, “But if you veer from your path, I won’t think twice about turning you into a bug.” Before Scott can respond with a well-placed pun, the trickster is gone with a snap of a finger. He appeared within the confines of his room, his skin inking over blue because he can no longer keep his shape stable. The turmoil happening to their bond has taken its toll on him and he finds his way under covers of satin that ice overnight.
.
You quietly close and lock your apartment door so as not to wake any resting neighbors nearby. It was such a late hour and not a smart idea to take the subway in the middle of the night, but you simply wanted to bask in your own company in your own home. Your stay at the tower had been temporary at best and the only reason Tony felt it was okay to include an outsider like you was the tattoo marked on your skin. You ignore how much it tingles and stings, kicking off your shoes and wandering into the small living room. Your apartment had always been your refuge and escape but it was so quiet and devoid of the noise you’d grown used to. I should get a dog , the thought crosses your mind in passing as you lower yourself into the weathered couch and curled up. At least a dog could love you despite your flaws. You close your eyes in the darkness of the apartment, all of the white noise in your head quietly drifting away the more comfortable you became. The bedroom is close at hand but you’re already beginning to drift off into another world.
The sheets are soft under your hand, the silk a beautiful emerald that matched almost every aesthetic in the room.
“Have you ever thought of getting sheets that are… blue?” You inquire as you run a hand over the new spread while your lover is busy with his nose in another old text.
“ No. ”
“What about something light like lilac?”
“ ....No. ” You glance over at him, smiling softly as you watch him.
“Yellow?”
“ Out of the question. ” One step closer. He doesn’t seem to notice your approaching figure.
“ Red? ”
“ Absolutely not. ” You quickly shuffle to his hunched over figure, leaning over his shoulder and reaching to curl your arms around his neck. He remains motionless, half of him enticed by the conversation while the other is working out the complex working of a spell.
“What about forest green?” You try again, ducking down to kiss at his cheek simply as a distraction.
“ I’ll consider it- ”
The soft caress of fingers gently brushing through your hair wakes you from your sweet dream with a start. Your eyes flutter open and you begin to rise as everything comes rushing back with the heat striking at your tattoo. Before the rush of adrenaline hits you, familiar hands firmly push you back down into a lap.
“It’s alright,” Loki murmured as he caught your eye, “I know your intense dislike of me using magic to pass through these thin walls but I couldn’t stay away after those things I said to you.” After yesterday, you didn’t think you had enough energy left to yell at him to get out. Giving a small nod of understanding, you settle your head back against his lap and keep quiet so that he’ll continue. You weren’t exactly sure of what he would say anyway.
“I am truly sorry. That is not an easy thing for me to admit but I do have my shortcomings and the way I acted towards you yesterday is unforgivable. I should never have spoken to you in a manner that would make you feel that you are lesser to me, (y/n), because you are better than I will ever be. I am still learning about your world and my place in Midgard and I do trust you. I trust you with my life. When I saw how much time you spent with that ant man, I became so… full of jealousy that I didn’t know how to even speak of it,” He pauses, swallowing back his guilt to lay his heart bare. This is the most you’ve ever heard him speak and his words are quelling the ache in your Bond, “Yesterday, I should’ve told you I missed you. I should’ve held you and kissed you and lathered you with so much affection that you would be full off of it for days. But I didn’t, I got so angry knowing you were with him and I took it out on you like a child would. (y/n), I know that I have been unfair to you and you were right about me; I became neglectful to your needs by not thinking of things that are important to you. Celebrating the day of your birth should be one of my priorities because, without it, I would never have found someone so understanding, someone so truthful that they told me of my actions instead of merely placating me. My time on Asgard was difficult and being away from you with barely a moment to spare made my guilt consume me. I am sorry that I took you for granted and if you forgive me, I will be better.”
The look in those soft, green eyes is enough to make some of your anger dissipate, but not enough for you to easily forgive him. You sit up and scoot a fraction away to get some space between you because your Bond is trying to cling onto him and you can’t let that cloud your judgment. You reach out and carefully take his hand in your own, keeping eye contact before you begin to speak.
“Loki, I love you. I do, but what you said was awful. We haven’t seen each other in months and that’s how you decided to greet me when you came back. You make no contact and expected me to be at the tower waiting as if I knew when you’d be back. You always leave without a goodbye and you never tell me when you’re coming back... I missed you every single day. I thought about you and if you were okay, if you were safe, or if… maybe you’d found something or someone better. I should’ve had more faith in myself because I kept comparing myself to others-” The Asgardian easily pulls you closer until your head is resting against his shoulder so that he can stare at you while keeping you close.
“Silly Midgardian woman. You are the best thing I have ever found and I should remind you of it properly. I do not control you and I will never try to have that power over you again. If you wish to be friends with a man who controls ants, I cannot stop you. And on my next journey to Asgard, would you oppose to accompanying me? I think the people would do well to meet their future queen.” The sentiment causes your somber expression to falter as a blush quickly lashed out at your face, painting your cheeks and running across your nose. Loki thinks that it is adorable how easily he can tell when he’s made you flustered.
“Q-Queen? B-But I have a job and- friends h-here and-” Your sputtering grows quiet as Loki’s eyes begin to squint with his mischievous smile.
“Consider it your new calling.”
Oh, dear.