A Bond Can Become Redemption
Kurt Wagner is a man of many beliefs. They range on a human-mutant spectrum to the thought that man had come so far yet so little in the vast reality of the universe. He has held his beliefs for a long time, as a scared, blue child in Germany under the care of surrogate parents who saw past his skin, past his demonic appearance, to see something good inside of him all the way to New York City, under the guidance of Professor Xavier and his colleagues- no friends, and fellow teammates. Despite his environment changing, his insides growing and expanding to accept truths for what they were, revising lies once cast down upon him from God himself- Kurt had always believed that his sins were too great, too diabolical, to save him from the wrath of God himself.
The story is visibly, carved into intricate tattoos that taint his skin and his soul with an inky blackness liken to the smoke he vanishes into when he’s shifting through time and space. He cannot escape his destiny to die, die alone with nothing but his sins on his body. He used to question his faith, used to ask why God had decided to let him breathe when he had been born a sinner, and sinned time and time again selfishly with every single breath that left his unholy body. He’d spilled human and mutant blood, all intermingled on his fingertips and on nights where the memories of faces haunt him, he can’t bear to shut his eyes for longer than a moment. The guilt is forever there, always a part of every breath, every step, every tattoo designed to represent his indecent acts.
Sometimes, in those days of deepest regret, Kurt would isolate himself away from the others to be alone, to torture himself with purposely praying to a God that will probably never listen to any of his fruitless attempts at salvation, at being saved from what he is and what he could be. He could be bloodthirsty, hungry for war, tricked again into potentially killing someone again. It’s his worst fear, causing more hurt to the people around him with his lowly existence. It’s worse that they do not understand what goes on in his head, even Charles. He can read his thoughts, there was no doubt of that, but he would never be able to fully grasp onto all of the unconcealed pain left behind. Other times, Kurt is able to smile when he saves a life, a life God wished to be spared from the cold grasp of death. He wishes it were enough to gain him entry into heaven one day, but his sins, so many, too many, would never allow him the luxury. But it was enough, to feel their relief, to sense their thanks, to feel as if he could strive for more, be more.
Most times, Kurt is in a perpetual state of complacency pushed upon him by his environment. Because how can someone be sad when in the company of people who care for their wellbeing? Who care about whether or not they survive or perish to the hands of the world? Yet how can he be happy knowing what he knows? Knowing that by the cruel hands of fate, that he had destroyed so many lives, that his existence was an abomination to God? He could neither frown nor smile, be saddened or overjoyed. He is- was- assured himself that he would always be complacent.
Kurt does not believe in forgiveness, or rather, that he himself can ever be forgiven. He believes that others with lesser offences have the ability to atone, to change their lives and turn things around for the better, but it is impossible to change one's nature, to bring people back from the dead. He’d torn apart families, killed fathers and sons and daughters and someone's brother and someone’s husband and wife. Things that cannot be given back no matter how much he prays for their souls to be resting in heaven. Kurt prays for everyone around him, to be healthy, happy, to live strong lives full of hope and wonder; he prays for those who have be lost to find their way back to the light, for there to be no more evil in the world- but he stopped praying for himself a long time ago, when he realized that it was greedy, selfish, and his one dream of being truly and irrevocably needed would never reach fruition.
Then how?
How did she appear in a cloak of white with the sun hanging high, glistening off her skin like diamonds in the night sky? She was an angel in appearance, mouth eternally fused up into a smile that invited all into her corner. The first time he heard her voice, he felt that there was truly another wonder to this world, for she had ensnared him too easily. She was small in stature, almost reminding him of a cherub, a godsend from a God who had no mercy for him, and she- she was too beautiful for mere words to fully comprehend. He’d always watch her from afar, the nerves making his stomach tighten in an uncomfortable way, his mouth sewn shut the times she tried to speak to him, which was often. Truth be told, he became even more quiet, kept away, because she made him nervous. Every smile, every kind gesture, it was all too much for him to understand. He believed that he did not deserve her kindness, by someone who had the power to control stars and light.
Everyone called her fairy, but Kurt had taken to calling her something else in his thoughts. Beautiful. Amazing. Courageous. Lovely. Everything he could ever want but did not deserve. There was just something about her that called out to him, deep inside his tattered soul. It was as if she had always been a part of who he was and he had just never realized or noticed until she was there before him. She constantly sought out his company, his attention, and for what? Only to be in the company of a silent boy too shy to speak up his mind, too nervous to tell her that her hair reminds him of the sun's rays and her eyes are so soft and searching that he fears she might see every inch of his damned existence. But- when she looks at him, really looks at him and the labyrinthine designs so so visible on his skin, he feels like they are nothing. They are nothing as long as she keeps her eyes on him, bathing him in her light.
Everyone can see it but him. She is extremely kind and sweet to everyone, always a shine to her, but when in his company, she is dazzling, her energy lighting up the very room. She goes out of her way to be by his side, to accompany him even if it is for a simple meal or to wind down after a small mission. As a member of the X-Men, she is capable of caring for herself when in danger, but he is the first to come to her defense out of habit, out of reflex. The thought of her getting hurt is strong enough to tear him away from his own personal battle to keep any filthy hands from touching her. And when the danger is too close, he can’t help the way he curls his arms around her waist tightly, and shifts through space to safety. Her light protects her from the energy absorption of his teleportation, and he’s glad that he’s the only one that takes a toll. And maybe he doesn’t realize every time he saves her, her hands clutch at his uniform and she presses against him, nose nudging at the base of his neck as she closes her eyes and releases every hidden thing inside of her. She trusts him- why wouldn’t she when she knows that he is hers? Could feel it the first time he looked in her eyes, could sense it through the air even before making it to the tower.
And now the Old German and tiny crescent moon written thick and little against the left side of her abdomen makes all the sense in the world. It’s his name, Kurt, and it just filled her with joy to finally see him. He’s so perfect, you thought that first day, so perfect for me. He was quiet and kept away, but would watch with a fierceness in his eyes that left her gasping for breath the moment she left the room. She couldn’t help but be pulled to him, even in his moments of weakness when he would rather be by himself in the quiet of a room. She would sit there, with him, quiet, watching, or talking about fanciful memories from her childhood. She had always been loved and had always loved in return. Her parents, True Bonds, loved each other and found her to be a blessing because the doctors had thought it was impossible for her mother to carry a baby to full term. But then you came, draped in blankets of light, and your parents knew that you would go on to do great, wonderful, special things.
Being a mutant was the same as breathing to her. And Kurt was amazed at how she didn’t flinch back from the staring and jeering whenever her glow would become too bright. Still young, too young to master masking her light even as a member of the team, she would just let herself shine and shine instead with the brightest, purest smile on her face. Even in class, among the other classmates, she literally shone the brightest. Kurt always tried to stay in the back of the classroom, out of the way, the other kids, despite also being mutants in some way, usually ignored him because his mutation was skin deep. The sins were too. And he just- he was always shy and awkward when he tried to step out of his little shell. He couldn’t help it. Missions were better because there was a goal, a task, being in class was torture. He’d been shunned for a long time and with little confidence, why bother trying?
But he didn’t have to try with her. Not when she would smile and say something he half heard because he’s too busy staring at the planets and nebulas in her eyes. She’s got little stars beaming on her brow and the sun above her lids and she’s so beautiful- how can he have this priviledge to be beside her? And without realizing it, he’s stopped hiding away so much… and then she would talk to him during breaks in class, make it a point to do so, keep his attention when he would usually slip away into obscurity. She had a way with getting him to do things outside of his beliefs. He could feel a smile on his blue tinged lips whenever she laughed, could sense his heart beat palpitating wildly whenever she took his hand to pull him over or guide him somewhere without giving him a chance to break away, as if he wanted to.
And it all feels so natural, to be with her, beside her, holding her hand back without noticing, drinking in her affection and quietly returning it in kind. And suddenly, when he smiles at the most random of times when she isn’t there it’s because he’s thought of her and only her and how…. Happy she makes him. She had suddenly become more than a team mate, more than a classmate, more than just a girl he knows. It’s a miracle, honestly and truly, because he loves her. He loves her so much that it makes all of the sins, every last evil deed, somehow feel less, like maybe there is goodness still inside him, deep down beneath the blue flesh, under his tattoos. He wants to believe that there is, tries to now that he discovers what this feeling is inside, but there is a problem.
Why would she ever want him back?
She is everything and he is nothing. He is the broken rubble under her feet, a small insignificant blade of glass while she is a treasure trove of tulips and peonies spreading out in a meadow. Still, as they grow closer, talking late into the night on the rooftop or stealing glances during training exercises, he can’t help himself. Falling in love with her felt right. Who would ever believe that she too had been falling since they met? Despite being so open, she couldn’t quite form the words to let him know that they were meant for each other, no matter what anyone else had to say about it. When she had first arrived at the institute, and asked about him, a few had given rather negative quips about his awkward exterior and blue skin. She’d nearly burnt the room into nothingness. And even if some (Jean couldn’t help it. She’d accidentally heard a few thoughts one day.) knew, they kept out of it. She would tell Kurt, in her own way.
“Why do you have these tattoos?” You murmured softly into the night, your eyes downcast to peer at his arm, your dainty fingers carefully stroking over the raised skin. You feel the jump in his pulse and try to contain your joy as you continue your ministrations, nocturnal vision one of your abilities. You had never asked before because you didn’t want to pressure him into telling you, but now that you are two of the closest people at the academy, you truly want to know their significance to understand him better. “Do they represent a clan you belong to?” Perhaps it tied into his childhood, which he never seemed to talk about. Kurt sighs, shoulders visibly sagging, and shakes his head, unable to bear looking at you.
“I… am not a good person,” Kurt replies, accent thick and heavy with every syllable, “I have done terrible things to those who did not deserve it. These tattoos push my sins to the surface, every single one.” You pause, stunned, words piling up in your mouth as Kurt gently pulls back from your touch, as if it burns him to be so close to you. “You should not concern yourself with me anymore. It would.. It would be too sad for my darkness to eat away at your light.” He’s talking but it doesn’t sound like your Kurt, the one that brings you flowers when you’re feeling unwell and reads to you when you are too tired to open up your eyes. This Kurt isn’t yours. You shake your head, hair whipping back as you blink rapidly. You are so sensitive that even the thought of not seeing Kurt is enough to make you fight back tears. You reach for his arm, fingertips brushing down to curl around his hand.
“No, you are not a good person, you are a great person. You may have done bad things or things that you regret, but that does not make you a bad person. That does not mean you can’t be happy… and I want to stay.” You’re shining and you don’t even know it. Or maybe you are just shining to him.
“Why?” He sounds confused. Why would she want to stay with him? She could be in the company of another, anyone really, and they would still be better suited to her than he could ever be. He is damned and she is precious beyond imagination. He watches her face shift through various emotions before it settles on something he had yet to see. She was blushing, skin glistening and glowing in the inky darkness.
“Because….” I’m your soulmate and I’ve been yours since I was four. But no matter how much she wants to say it, it’s not the right time, not yet. She wanted to be able to tell him without him having any doubts, “I care about you very much, Kurt. Is that not reason enough?” She asks with a dazzling smile working onto her mouth. And maybe she’s the one being a coward right now for not professing her love, but isn’t she too allowed to be afraid, worried? And she isn’t worried about whether or not he’ll return her feelings, no, but that too is a worry in and of itself. She’s more worried about how to get her feelings across the right way without making a mistake. Her tattoo throbbed against the material of her dress, the feel of his hand against the flesh of her own making tingles run up the expanse of her arm. He gives her hand a squeeze, a look of pure awe on his face as he gazes softly at her, as if maybe he’s really staring at her insides that are shining just as much.
“Thank you, for seeing something that I cannot.” He murmurs, finally breaking eye contact to stare up at the night sky, “Thank you.” I love you. I love you. I love you. He wishes he could scream the words at the top of his lungs without the thought of being shunned and turned away. The thought of her not returning his feelings is beyond terrifying, it leaves him petrified and his mouth shut and he is allowed this, isn’t he? If he keeps his feelings to himself, maybe it’ll be okay to still be so in love with her; he could still look after her and spend time with her without her hating him or being repulsed by the idea of being in a romantic relationship. Kurt doesn’t really care that keeping his feelings to himself is just going to hurt, really hurt, and that seeing her with any other male by her side or in her personal space will just tear him the fuck up inside because he is damned and he deserves this pain.
And so, one stays on the precipice, too afraid of diving in while the other forces themselves back from the edge, never growing too hopeful for more than given. And it is actually quite ridiculous to the other members of the team because it is just too obvious to ignore. Kurt stares blatantly, can’t help but watch her mouth moves as she talks or how her hair shines and billows in the wind when they are outside in the grass. And her face grows red when she senses him nearby, her entire body glowing brighter and brighter the moment they are side by side, eating and talking or studying for an exam and practice simulation. They work well together, with his teleportation powers never draining her and her light enough to momentarily blind. But there’s still a tension there when they both go silent, like they want to say something but can’t.
When she is away and he is not allowed to follow, Kurt often sits on the roof and stares at his hands, his arms, in the mirror when he’s in his room. He stares at his sin and the darkness starts to creep back up on him and chain him down in the inky black of his sadness. He misses her the most then, misses her light and the way she feels in his arms when they curl up close and watch those ridiculous television shows she enjoys. He starts to grow self-deprecating once again, more analytical and critical of himself and his past deeds and she’ll never love me when I look like this. I’m wrong for her. I should disappear. But the moment she comes back, he feels guilt for even thinking of hiding himself in a darkness that not even she can illuminate. And in a twist of fate, she is his light, her and this academy and these people shine through all of his darkness and lead him back to a place called home, back to where she likes to hold him and stroke her fingers through his hair as she talks about Shakespeare and Oscar Wilde. He likes to listen to her read poetry just as much as she likes to read to him. And he is happy. He is, honestly.
When Magneto and William Stryker threaten his happiness, threaten everything he had ever known, that makes Kurt worried and angry. She is captured along with Raven, Hank, and the others, blood trickling from her nose at where she took a hit. When he, Jean, and Scott make it to the facility to save them, still young, still not so used to actual danger, Jesus, he almost kills everyone the moment he comes across her being guarded in a dark room where her glow is diminished. While Scott and Jean unknowingly free Weapon X. She’s weaker in the dark like this, and there’s more blood on her than he’s ever seen before. He teleports easily into the black room, shrouding her in his dark and concentrating on phasing through the wall, his emotions so twisted up that he can barely contain his power. He manages to phase them through the wall to safety, landing with the recovered team as he holds her close. Raven is the one that manages to coax her from his tight grasp, his eyes wide, crazed, shaking as he feels Raven take her away.
And even if he’s worried about her, there’s the pressing matter of the four horsemen and the one he knows he’ll have to face. Before they go to save the world (he’d never thought he’d ever be saying that to himself), he whispers quietly into her ear and kisses her head, makes a little promise under his breath that he hopes will reach fruition.
“I will love you properly once this is over, (y/n).”
Angel is all biting temper and stroked ego. His anger blinds him during their battle, makes it easy to thwart his attacks and counter them because the higher being is so full of himself. He thinks his chosen status makes him above, somehow better by aiding a being in destroying the natural world as they all knew it. He taunted Kurt, reminded him of his shortcomings and his tattoos and she’ll never want a disgusting creature like you. She should be with someone like me, someone powerful, untouched by evil. It almost makes him blind with rage, almost throws him off because he’s right. He is not right for someone like her- but she told him time and time again not to go away, not to vanish. He would proclaim his love to her after this was over and the battle one. If she told him to leave, only then would he abandon his place by her side.
When he finally manages to knock Angel out, he quickly retrieves the professor and everything appears in their favor, until the horsemen attack once again. Kurt had never transferred so many people at once, but putting his faith in his powers, he along with his several team mates, teleported to safety before his world went black and upside down.
When she wakes up, she’s resting on a blanket on the demolished school grounds, her friends and fellow team mates around her. Sitting up slowly, she flinches at the painful throbbing in her head and hisses when she reached up to touch her bandaged head. She makes to move, only to feel something curl further around her waist. She looks down at the flash of blue, Kurt’s prehensive tail, and quickly looks beside her. Kurt is half curled, chest rising and falling with his lips partially open, quiet sighs leaving him. He looks so relaxed, carefree, which is so different from the guilt that usually strikes him into looking away from her. You hate it when he looks stressed, in pain.
Unable to help herself, her skin tingles and starts to glow once more as she presses her palm against the blanket between them and leans down slowly, not wanting to wake him but simply wanting to get a closer look at his tattoos. He always grows extremely bashful when she tries to touch the tattoos on his face, and she’d had to work hard to be able to touch his arms without him flinching away. Beautiful, she thinks to herself as she examines his face, his lovely face. How could something so lovely on his skin represent something so disturbing? She tipped her head slightly, eyes squinting as she stared past her lashes at a particular swirl of his tattoo. There was something seemingly graphed on top of it, so morphed inside that if you were just looking at his cheek quickly, you would’ve missed it instantly. But no, the closer she stared, the more apparent it became that her name was carefully woven into his tattoos, his symbols of sin. He had always called her the sun that lights up his darkest of days. And she had always called him the most comfortable moonlight to ever shine along her path.
“Mine,” She whispered, watching his eyes flutter as awareness seeped back into his lungs, “Mine.” She knew it. She just knew it.
“(y/n)?” He murmured quietly, awareness setting in quickly as he tried to sit up too fast. She was just as fast, lightly pushing him back to lay down and gently lying back down as well, her head pressing against his chest.
“A-Are you hurt?” He asked her, arms shifting to spoon her closer. He’s alive. She’s alive, glowing so brightly, warm against him. He can’t bear the thought of being without her again, it would kill him.
“No, I’m okay… better than okay. You’re safe, our friends are save. Professor is going to be okay. And the best part is… I can finally tell you.”
“Tell me what?” He asks quietly, hopeful and worried at the same time. He was hopeful for her love, for her tenderness, to hold her for as long as he wished, but afraid of being abandoned by her. To hear that she had found another to occupy her time. They were all truly silly things to think.
“That-” She shifts a bit and tips her head up to stare at him, waiting for his gaze to meet her. They can hear people talking, moving, starting to rebuild around them, but this moment is their own, “That I love you. I will always, always love you with everything I am. And I know that you feel that you aren’t good enough for me, but you are perfect, Kurt. That’s the reason the universe decided I was good enough for you. I’ve tried to build up the courage to tell you for so long- but I was scared. I’m not scared anymore.” He’s utterly speechless but she doesn’t take his silence as defeat, merely raising a shining hand to touch his tattooed cheek and her name on his skin. The rush slams against him like a tidal wave and even if he doesn’t understand, he does. It doesn’t make sense but it does. He’s so filled with emotion, her emotions, because his tattoo is nearly on the painful side of burning and he’s sensing ghosts of their bond and she’s mine she’s mine. She is mine.
It felt almost comical, realizing that her name, the name of the girl he loves, the purest soul in his eyes, was pressed against his darkest sins as smudging them all out, one by one, until there's only her and him. And maybe- just maybe- God had been listening. God forgave him by giving him the single most beautiful thing in the world..
Kurt found a little faith that day, in the things he once thought, clutching onto her as if she were more precious than diamonds and pearls.