Lily was scared, when she saw the two curtained beds. Daylight was streaming in through the tall windows, and it cast an unearthly glow on all the white bed sheets and white bed frames.
She glanced back towards Madame Pomfrey, who had hesitantly -very hesitantly- let her in to see them. The older woman pursed her lips, turned around and began to fidget with something Lily couldn’t make out. Giving her privacy. For some reason she hadn’t been expecting that.
She turned back to the beds. There was no one else in the large, meticulously kept, room. She walked towards the closest one to her, the easier one to approach, though with some thought it shouldn’t have been.
But Pomfrey had said that he was awake now, and the other had been sleeping moments before, so Lily just walked and tried not to think too much of how hospitals reminded her of her father.
Lily placed her hand on the white fabric separator and murmured, “Remus?” She didn't draw the fabric back.
She heard a hum, which was quiet but otherwise clear, and that gave her some courage to pull the sheet back so that she could see him.
She did not gasp when she saw him, though she wanted to. He was sat up slightly, fluffy pillows behind him. There were bruises on his face, a split lip, a gash which had been cleaned on his arm. Her heart quivered and almost broke with the sight of him, her friend, a very good one, in his state.
There was a wooden stool beside him. She sat there, eyes not leaving him.
He took a breath. “Lily…" There was guilt in his voice though she was unsure as to why, because it wasn’t his fault that he was in the resident hospital. But Remus was Remus, and despite his sharp wit, and roguish disposition, there was something very gentle at the heart of him.
She wanted to take his hand, but he had them clutched on his lap. Cuts there, too.
"So the rumour is that you and James beat each other senseless over a girl," she said, to make him smile. He did. She imagined if his face wasn’t swelled and red, it would be the wide, charming grin she had come to love.
"Who started that one? That jittery Ravenclaw girl?”
“Sirius, actually.”
He laughed. Warmth, familiarity. Everything she needed to stop herself from bursting into tears for him. Lily did not like to cry, but lately it seemed to come easier to her.
Alice had said it was a good thing, she had always held her emotions too tightly before. If so, then when had she begun to allow her emotions to unravel from her, as they were so desperately wanting to do now?
She spoke again, needing to say something. “There’s another one that said you two went into the forbidden forest, and battled a great beast, slaying it and becoming something like storybook heroes." There wasn’t really a rumour like that, but as much as she needed to say something, it seemed like she needed to hear something too.
Remus’ smile dropped a little. It became thin, and rueful. He looked away from her to his battered hands. "A little closer to the truth, that one. Though I’m afraid to say the beast remains alive, and…" He stopped, bit his lip. "It was not so heroic, on my part."
She felt sorry, immediately, for saying that it. Couldn’t take it back now though, so instead, she murmured, "Just because you can’t fight it, doesn’t make you’re less of a hero for trying.”
He did look at her then. Clear eyes, changed in the light. Something terrible in them. Lily almost turned herself away from him, grief for her friend settling heavily inside of her. But she could not, because there was still that important thing she had to hear, and she had to hear it from him.
“Did you know?" He asked, finally, very quietly.
"I suspected. But I-”
“Came to put your curiosities to rest?" He cut her off blandly.
Lily shook her head, gave him a firm look. "I came to make sure that if I was right, you knew that I was here for you." And then, feeling something like pride or anger or hurt, either of the three enough to make someone bold, she reached over and grasped his right hand, the one closest to her.
She squeezed it, gently, stared at him dead in the eyes. "And that you will never be the one to blame for this." He tried to look away from her, tiredly, but Lily did not have that. "Remus, listen, this is out of your grasp, and you can’t stop it-”
He interrupted her again. “It? You mean me, Lily?" His voice had raised a little. Seeing the look on her face, he lowered it again. "And if you think I’m not the monster in this equation, then go across the room and look at James right now. Go on. Do it."
She flinched, but did not let go of his hand. "You aren’t a monster Remus," she said, relentless, a prickling in her eyes which she hated. "When I dropped my papers in the hallways second year, because I was late to class, you were the only one that stopped and helped me to pick them all up. I made you late too, and the professor was lecturing us, and you took all the blame for it." She spoke the words with something low and fierce. Saw the anger in him begin to fade a little.
"When I was sick in fourth year, and wouldn’t leave my room, you made Alice and Marlene bring me some of your chocolate, and let me copy your charms essay." He was biting his lip again. She watched him with pleading eyes. "When Snape and I…ended, you comforted me even before Marlene or Alice did. Remus," his name was an exasperated breath on her lips, "you are no monster. And you might think that that the two of you are one and the same, but I refuse to believe that if you had any consciousness whatsoever during that time, that you would want to harm anybody." Her grip had become very tight on his hand, her voice a little watery, but Remus did not cringe.
She continued. "So you have to stop beating yourself up over this, otherwise I’m going to have to do this whole speech over and over again, and I don’t think either of us want that.”
He let out a chuckle, shaking his head slightly, unspeaking for a small moment. “I don’t know," he began, and his voice was soft again, and a semblance of the Remus she knew had returned. "It was a nice thing to hear.”
She, embarrassingly, wiped at her eyes quickly. “Well, if you’re ever feeling self deprecating, I can repeat it again for you."
He laughed lightly, shook his head again in fondness. “Maybe write it down in a card, instead, so we can avoid the waterworks. I’ll read it next time I’m in here.”
Lily opened her mouth to rebuke him, to say that he wasn’t going to be back in here again, and then registered the look in his eyes. She shut her mouth. Said, instead, “if you’re here again, I’ll be here too, so I can read it for you." She gave him a wry smile. "Maybe improvise a little, see what other sap I can dig out."
"Oh no." He made an amused sound. "Not more sap."
Lily reached over, fluffed his hair around in a way that made him wrinkle his nose.
"And now you’ve ruined the moment." He deadpanned.
She laughed, with both joy and an immense amount of relief. "Sorry, should I start crying again?”
“Please don’t," he said, and then squeezed her hand. She raised a brow at him. A twinkle of light in his gaze, suddenly. She knew almost immediately what it meant.
"He’s probably awake now, with all the noise we’ve made," Remus said lightly, almost without inflection. Lily knew better.
"Probably." Was all she said.
"When he was still in the bed next to mine, and woke up from sleeping, he asked about you."
She ignored the last part of his sentence. "Why did he move across the room?" She asked, buying her time.
"Apparently I was apologizing too much, and, I quote, the ‘stupidly sad eyes I was making was giving him bad digestion.”
Lily didn’t know if she could’ve made her eye roll more dramatic. “What an arse.”
Remus shook his head. “I think he knew I didn’t really want to see him all…scratched up.”
“What and now he’s left you with no company?"
"Well, usually Peter and Sirius visit, they got the better end of the stick this time, but I think they’re catching up on a little sleep.”
“They skipped two days worth of classes.”
Remus smiled a little. “A lot of sleep then. They deserve it, really.”
Which started another curiosity in Lily’s mind. “What do they do to help, when the time comes? Do they use spells, do they-”
For the third time that day, Remus cut her off, and this time his voice was firm enough to not make her press it. “It’s not entirely my place to say." That was the only answer he gave.
Lily pressed her lips together in impatience, but Remus grinned at her again, and it was a thing full of secret and intrigue and belonged to a man who would not reveal any of them to her. She gave him a wounded look, which only made him laugh.
"Well I guess I better let you catch up on your sleep too," she said, reluctantly, and Remus leaned back into his cushions and closed his eyes.
Lily closed the curtain behind her as she left. Saw that Pomfrey had gone out of the room somewhere, to fetch something. She made the slow walk to his bed. She had been in a flurry to come to see them before, when she had first heard from Sirius and Peter about them. Had been hesitant to walk towards Remus. Felt dread now.
She knew he was alright. Of course he would be alright. She would have been one of the first to know, if he wasn’t. But still, she felt no amount of mental preparation would ever make seeing him hurt okay.
"Knock, knock," she said, when she was just outside of his closed curtain. He laughed lightly from the other side. It sounded like his laugh, which made breathing a little easier.
She drew the curtains back.
"Spring’s come early then, has it? And brought lilies with it." His greeting.
She needed the seat beside his bed more desperately than she thought. She plopped herself down, grasping her elbows.
"How are you feeling?" She asked, watching his eyes, all the heart she had leaving Remus disappearing with the view of him.
"Aces, sweetheart." She had borrowed him a gumshoe detective novel recently, and wanted to giggle at him quoting it, but his eye was black, and there was a large, thin cut running up the side of his neck to end in the middle of his cheek.
"You’re ruined your face." She had meant it to sound light, and a little teasing, but the voice for something like that could not come to her now. "What will all of your adoring, doting women think now?"
"I could care less. What do you think?" There was apprehension in his words. She realized, after a moment, he meant it as a genuine question.
"I think if you hide something like this from me again, I will not forgive you."
He gave her a waning look. "The telling belongs to Remus," he said. "Though obviously, from your conversation with him, you already know, so…”
She looked at him with wide eyes. “You heard?”
He shrugged, playing with the blanket draped on him. “Only the part where he raised his voice. I kind of suspected it anyways though."
She looked at him scathingly, anger coming to her very suddenly. "You could have at least told me you were going out every full moon to help him, James. I mean, didn’t you owe me that much?”
He gave her a look that was all fondness and patience which only spurred on her anger more. It was useful, in many ways, because if she was angry then she didn’t have to feel tears again. “And what would you have done, Lils?" The tone of his voice bristled her.
"I…I don’t know! But-”
“You would have followed us and you know it and." He stopped incredible abruptly.
"And what?" She demanded.
"And I can’t let you do that.”
“Why?" She asked, gripping her skirt. "I can help, you know I wield a wand better than half of this school!”
Despite her voice which was almost a shout, he replied very gently. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Nothing matters more, James. Do you know how worried I was?" She cried, though she struggled to keep her voice down. "Do you know how I felt when Sirius told me you were in here?”
She was staring into his eyes, hoping that the fear she had felt, the fear she still felt, could be conveyed to him in such a way. He did not say anything for a long time.
“I’m sorry," he said at last.
"Sorry doesn’t cut it, you insufferable idiot, why did you not tell me?”
“I can’t let you get hurt!" He blurted out with fire in his eyes, and above that, her fear, reflected. "If you got in here because you followed us out one night, I," He faltered. "I would lose it Lily. Seriously." He spread open his palms in a gesture she recognized. "I can’t let that happen.”
That quieted her down a little, but did it in the way a cold water might have quelled a burn. It did not mean the injury was not there, and it did not mean her fear, and her impossible anger, was not there either.
“You’re hurt too.”
“I know what I’m doing.”
She ground her teeth together. “What are you doing then?" She crossed her arms, to stop them from jostling him. "I asked Remus and he all but kicked me out. What are the lot of you doing, that I can’t do too?”
James shook his head. “You’ll want to kill me.”
“More than right now?”
He let out a laugh that was completely humourless. “It’s very, very possible, yes." He shut his eyes, leaned back, let out a long sigh. "Can we not fight right now? All this nearly dying stuff has got me drained.”
“James." Her voice was very low. "You’re going to fall asleep while I’m sitting hear, worried to tears for you?" She thought she sounded something like her mother at that moment and shook that thought off.
He spoke without opening his eyes. "You don’t seem to be in tears now.”
“Why are you so-" She struggled for a word, overwhelmed with his passivity. "So-”
“Insufferable?"
"I already used that," she snapped.
"It’s a good one you should use it again.”
She could not answer him for several heartbeats, for fear of shouting again. She knew Remus would hear and didn’t know when Madame Pomfrey would return. And, beyond all else, she saw he was not only patronizing her, when he said he was drained and had closed his eyes. He looked, she thought, like he had missed a week’s worth of rest.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you," he said after the silence. She had been studying his face in that time, and watched his lips move with the words.
She made herself take a long breath. Felt the beginnings of guilt enter her. "I’m sorry I didn’t wait until you were off of bed rest to yell at you.”
He opened his eyes to smile at her. “I deserve it a little bit, I suppose.”
“Are you really not going to tell me what you do to help Remus?" She asked.
He deliberated the thought. "Maybe I’ll tell you when I’m off bed rest, because then you’ll find it appropriate to yell at me again.”
She pouted slightly, her anger simmering down. “Why, is it that bad?”
“Bad enough to probably get expelled if the wrong people knew.”
She wanted to hit him again. “Am I 'wrong people’?”
He chuckled a little, as if expecting her reply. “No, you just happen to be scarier than the school board, so I’m going to waylay this for now." He looked at her earnestly, asking her to drop it.
"If you get hurt again…" She began.
He shook his head. "I’ll make sure I won’t.” He could not promise her something like that.
She looked at him impatiently. “If you get hurt again," she repeated, and saw him pause, and then nod. "You can come to me. I’m not as good as Pomfrey, but I can…I can manage.” She said the words almost shyly. James grinned, amused.
“A woman of many hidden talents," he said.
Lily let out a breath of a sound, that James it took as a reluctant surrender. "I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve.”
“I’m delighted at the thought.”
“Obviously for something like this you should come here," she added quickly, gesturing to his face. "But the smaller stuff…”
“So you do mind the scar?”
She looked at him. “Will it scar? It looks awfully thin.”
James frowned. “Well, it hurt like hell, but yeah, maybe.”
“Well," Lily said, shifting in her seat slightly, feeling drained as the last remnants of her anger left her. Holding so much of it, so quickly, did that. "I suppose you could always go for the sexy, rugged look."
James laughed. "Whatever will my doting women think?”
“I thought you only cared about what I think?" She found enough in herself to tease him. James reached out with a hand she was glad to see was steady, to take her hand in his. His grip was firm.
"Well, what does my lovely, fearsome girlfriend think of the scar, then?”
“I think hopefully it’ll deflate your pride a little bit.”
“That’s your job.”
“So it is," she agreed, and then hummed. "Well, it’ll be a story for the grandchildren, I suppose.”
His eyes sparked at her words. The grin on his face widened considerably, though he felt the bruise on his face as it did. “Grandchildren? I didn’t realize you were planning so far into the future.”
Lily rolled her eyes, not letting him get to her now. “At the rate you’re going, you’re probably going to give me a heart attack before the age of twenty five, so, actually, probably no grandkids.”
“Well, twenty five gives us a little time," he quipped, bringing her hand briefly to his lips.
She didn’t allow him to make her blush, but her stomach twisted in a way that was good, for the first time that day. "Barely," she murmured, scooting closer to the edge of his bed.
"We’d better get an early start then," he said, leaning over and kissing her, moving his hand to her hair.
She did hit him, then.