Chapter 29
The late afternoon sun streamed through the windshield as Ryan drove, the atmosphere inside the car charged with unspoken tension. Carla sat in the passenger seat, her brow furrowed in concern as she stole glances at Lisa in the backseat. Lisa was staring blankly out the window, lost in her thoughts, her expression unreadable.
“I bet you’re ready to be back to a nice comfortable bed, ey Lisa?” Ryan attempted to break the silence, but his voice faltered, echoing into the stillness.
Lisa didn’t respond, her silence a clear barrier. Carla sighed softly, feeling the weight of the moment pressing down on her. She reached back, lightly squeezing Lisa’s hand, but Lisa quickly pulled away, crossing her arms defensively.
Arriving at Carla’s flat, the trio got out, and as they approached the stairs, Ryan offered his arm to Lisa. “Here, let me help you,” he suggested, sensing her hesitation.
“No, I’m fine,” Lisa said sharply, the defensive tone catching both of them off guard. “Really, I can do this.” She stepped away from Ryan, straightening her posture as if to prove her strength, but Carla could see the subtle tremble in her hands.
Carla took a step forward. “Lisa, you don’t have to do everything alone. You just got out of the hospital. Let’s take it slow.”
“I said I’m fine!” Lisa snapped, a flicker of frustration igniting in her chest. “I don’t need anyone’s help!” The words hung in the air, heavy with the tension that had been building since they left the hospital.
Ryan hesitated, then managed a small smile before turning to Carla. “I’ll go for a quick run, clear my head. Let you two talk,” he said, trying to lighten the mood.
“Good idea,” Carla replied, grateful for the space Ryan was offering, knowing that some things needed time and privacy to unfold. As Ryan jogged off, Carla turned back to Lisa, her expression shifting from concern to determination.
“You don’t have to pretend around me, you know,” Carla said softly, placing a gentle hand on Lisa’s shoulder. “It’s okay to lean on someone. I want you to feel safe here.”
Lisa, however, brushed off Carla's words, her eyes focused ahead as she made her way up the stairs to the flat. Each step seemed to bear the weight of her unspoken struggles, and Carla could see the tension coiling in Lisa’s shoulders. It ached her heart to watch her girlfriend suffer silently; all Carla wanted was to reach out and provide solace, but she was cautious, not wanting to risk pushing Lisa further into her own isolation.
Once they finally entered the flat, a familiar space that held echoes of laughter and warmth, Lisa carefully lowered herself onto the sofa, her breaths shallow. As she settled onto the cushions, a grimace crossed her face, revealing the pain that accompanied her movements, a reminder of her battles still lingering beneath the surface.
“Can we please talk?” Carla implored, stepping closer to Lisa, yet choosing to remain standing rather than sitting beside her. The tension in the air was palpable, and Carla could sense that Lisa was yearning for distance, not connection.
“I’m tired of talking,” Lisa snapped back, her arms crossed tightly against her chest, the gesture a physical barrier that mirrored the emotional one she had erected. Her jaw was set in a stubborn defiance that cut deep into Carla’s heart.
Carla inhaled slowly, fighting the frustration that was rising within her like an uncontrollable tide. “You don’t have to push me away, Lisa. I care about you. I just want to help, to be here for you,” she said, her voice trembling slightly—an echo of her vulnerability.
“I don’t need your help!” Lisa shot back, the sharpness of her words laced with pain. The anger flickering in her eyes burned fiercely, creating a wall between them that felt insurmountable. Carla's heart ached at the sight of her girlfriend, once so open and warm, now seemingly trapped in a storm of hurt and isolation.
“Lisa, please just listen to me for a minute,” Carla began, her voice trembling with the weight of the words she had to say. “That night in the hospital, I was waiting for hours and hours for something, anything to tell me that you were okay. I sat there in that waiting room, surrounded by other families, all of us lost in our own fears. I couldn’t focus on anything but the thought of you lying there…… I thought you were going to die.
“It felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest, like I was suffocating. The world outside just faded away; I could barely hear the voices around me over the sound of my own thoughts, each one screaming for you to pull through. I wanted to believe that you’d wake up, that I’d see that familiar spark in your eyes again, but every second felt like it dragged me deeper into this abyss. I was terrified, Lisa. I felt so utterly powerless.
“I kept replaying our last moment together, the way you smiled at me whilst we were making dinner, so full of life and passion. How could that be gone in an instant? How could someone so strong and vibrant be taken without warning? It haunted me. When the nurse finally came in… just seeing the look on her face—my world shattered. I... I felt like I was losing you, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
“So pushing me away, shutting me out, it doesn’t help. I need you to understand that I’m here because I care—because I would do anything in the world to keep you safe. I love you. Let me help you, let me be there for you. You don’t have to do this alone. Please, just let me in.”
Carla's voice cracked, her eyes glistening with unshed tears, pleading for Lisa to let her love in, to share the weight of their struggles together.
“Carla, I—I hear you,” Lisa began, her voice trembling as she processed Carla's heartfelt words. “But you have to understand where I’m coming from. When I was in that hospital, I felt so exposed and fragile, like my entire life was unraveling. The thought of you sitting there, waiting and worrying about me—it hurts. I don’t want to put that kind of burden on you.
“You've been carrying so much, and I can see how hard you work to hold everything together. I keep thinking about everything you've been through. You have enough on your plate, and the last thing I want is for you to worry about me while you're fighting your own battles.
“I’ve always tried to be strong, to be the one that people can rely on. It’s all i know how to do. But now… I feel like I’m just this burden weighing you down. You shouldn’t have to carry the weight of my pain. I can’t stand the idea of you living in that fear, wondering if I’ll be okay. It’s not fair to you.
“I should be the one protecting you, not the other way around. I’m supposed to be the brave one, the one who rushes into danger. But now that I’ve faced this… I feel broken, and I hate it.
"I just need some time to process all of this, to figure out how to regain my strength. I want to let you in, I do; but right now, the thought of pulling you into my turmoil feels unbearable. I need to find my way back to feeling like myself—the person you deserve to be with.”
As tears filled Lisa's eyes, she glanced at Carla, hoping her words would convey the deep turmoil within her and the sincere desire to protect both their hearts in this storm.
“Lisa, please,” Carla said, her voice breaking as tears streamed down her cheeks. “You have to know that shutting me out is hurting me more than anything. I can’t just stand by and watch you struggle alone. It feels unbearable. I want to be there for you; I need to be there for you.
“You mean everything to me, and the thought of you facing this pain on your own is breaking my heart. Yes, I have my struggles, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to share this with you. We’re in this together—remember? I want to lift you up just as you’ve lifted me. It’s not a burden; it’s love.
“I can’t live without you, not now. You’re my person, and when you push me away, it feels like you're shutting the door on not just your pain, but on us. I can’t stand the idea of you hiding from me, trying to be strong when I can see how much you’re hurting. You don’t have to wear a mask around me.
“I want you to lean on me, to unload some of that weight you’re carrying. Please, just let me in. Let me share that struggle with you. I promise I won’t break under the pressure; I want to hold you up, not let you fall. I love you too much to stand by and let you fight this battle alone.
“You’re not a burden, Lisa. I want to be your strength, just like you’ve been mine. Please don’t shut me out. I’m here for you, all of you, and I want to walk this path together, no matter how difficult it may be.”
Carla reached for Lisa, her heart aching with the determination to be there for the woman she loved, wanting nothing more than to share both the light and the darkness.
“Carla,” Lisa whispered, her heart aching at the sight of Carla’s tears. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just got so scared—scared that my pain would weigh you down even more, that you’d feel like you had to take care of me when you’re already struggling.
“I love you so much that it scares me. I’ve been trying to protect you. I don’t want to hide from you. I thought I could handle this alone, but you are my anchor, and I need you just as much as you need me. I’ve been so focused on not being a burden that I lost sight of what really matters—us, sharing everything, the good and the bad.
“I’m sorry for trying to push you away. I was wrong. I want to let you in; I want you to know everything I’m feeling, everything I’m scared of. We can share our struggles and support each other through it all.
“I love you, Carla, and I can’t imagine my life without you. You make me feel safe, and I want to be that same safe space for you.”
With a shaking breath, Lisa reached out and pulled Carla into a tight embrace, feeling the warmth of their connection rekindle the hope they both so desperately needed.
Carla smiled gently at Lisa’s words, her heart swelling with emotion. “Let me make us a nice mug of tea. I think it’ll help you settle in and unwind a bit.”
As she stood up, the room felt a little brighter, a little more hopeful. Carla moved to the kitchen, the soft clatter of the kettle grounding her thoughts. As the water heated, she reflected on their vulnerability. It illuminated the trust they were building together.
Returning with two steaming mugs, Carla placed both onto the coffee table and then settled on the sofa. The cushions molded around them, creating a cozy nook. Lisa lay down, resting her head on Carla's lap, the warmth of their love cradled between them.
“You know, I’ve always felt a sense of calm when I’m around you,” Lisa murmured, her eyes fluttering closed as Carla began to stroke her hair gently. The rhythmic motion was soothing, a silent promise of support.
“Me too……I love this,” Carla said softly, her fingers weaving through Lisa’s hair. “Just being here with you.”
Lisa sighed, feeling safe under Carla’s touch. “Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning,” she confessed, her voice barely above a whisper. “The pressure of my job, the stress of always trying to hold everything together… it just feels so overwhelming. But knowing you’re here makes it lighter somehow.”
Carla’s heart ached for her. “I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’ve always got you,” she reassured, her fingers gently massaging Lisa’s scalp.
Lisa opened her eyes, looking up at Carla with a mixture of gratitude and relief. “I’ll try to share more. I promise.”
“That’s all I ask,” Carla replied, her tone warm and inviting.
They settled deeper into the sofa, the atmosphere thick with unspoken understanding. Carla felt the weight of the world slowly dissipate between them, replaced by a shared resolve. They were here, together, ready to navigate the complexities of their emotions, side by side.