But tell me you love me, come back and haunt me
Four years, eight months, one week, two days, three hours, five minutes, and thirty-two seconds. That was how long ago it had been since Carina’s entire life had changed. One phone call was all it took to change her entire life, a few words to essentially end it.
Her mind wouldn't allow her to remember any part of that last day, it enraged her that she couldn't recall the last moments of normalcy. She hated that she couldn't remember their last kiss, and what exactly she had said to her before leaving for work. Before leaving for what might as well be considered for good.
Carina rolled out of bed, walking to her closet and grabbing her black pair of scrubs. She felt like a Victorian woman in mourning sometimes, her entire wardrobe had lost color since the accident. She slid on the scrubs and brushed her hair quickly, not caring much about her appearance if it wasn't for Liam she probably would have stopped functioning altogether. He kept her sane without even realizing it, he needed her and because of that she wasn't able to give herself up to the pain completely.
She walked downstairs seeing he had gotten himself ready, he was in kindergarten now and a constant reminder of how much time had passed. She looked over her son, he had been insisting on dressing himself and Carina decided to let him. So far it hasn't gone terribly. She only had to add a jacket twice, today's outfit was definitely evident of a child's touch. A bright yellow jacket, a superman shirt, with a pair of blue jeans and his little cowboy boots. A fashionably questionable outfit but he would be warm and comfortable, so Carina just pressed a kiss to the top of his head.
“Are you ready for school, Bambino?” She asked gently, he nodded before asking “Can we go and get McDonalds?” He looked up at her with puppy dog eyes that made her give in always. “Fine” she said with a small laugh; he had gotten ready fast enough a McDonalds breakfast wouldn't make either of them late.
Once she had gotten Liam fed and to school Carina was alone in her thoughts again as she drove to work, for her shift. She knew she probably shouldn't give in so often to Liam, but his smile was one of the few things that made her really feel anything these days, so she spoiled him a bit. Besides he never threw fits when he was told no so she figured the extra things she gave him were not harming him.
When she got to work, she walked in slowly heading to her office to drop off her things before making her way to Maya's room. She liked to come to work usually an hour or so early so she could sit with her wife sometimes to talk other times to lay with her in silence. Today she had about two hours before her first appointment. Today was hopefully going to be calm at least this morning she hated when her time with Maya was cut short.
She walked into Maya's room where she laid eyes shut, machines hooked up to different parts of her body. The steady beat of Maya's heart monitor gave the reassurance that although Maya hadn't moved in over four years, she was still alive.
Amelia said there weren't any signs of significant damage, the injury that caused the coma had essentially healed. There was no brain bleeding, and there was still activity. All we can do is wait, Amelia had told Carina, and so she had been for almost five years now, waiting for her wife to wake up.
Today Carina felt like talking to her wife, so she grabbed her chair and sat down next to her. “You look beautiful as always,” Carina whispered to her Maya, grabbing her hand and kissing it softly. “Liam is getting so big, and his sense of fashion is terrible” She laughed. “He's so proud of himself, getting dressed all by himself and he's even taking initiative for his bedtime routine.” Carina's eyes became teary, it hurt that Maya was missing all of this. “I'm so mad at you bambina” Carina said, a tear rolling down her cheek. “I'm so angry you won't wake up and I'm so angry you had to go and be a hero” the word hero was barely audible, everything still felt so raw. The day of the accident is still gone from her mind but not the day after or any other day after that.
Carina no longer felt like speaking, her chest ached and all she really wanted was to look into her wife's beautiful blue eyes. She had taken Liam to the beach once when he was three, but she left soon after it hurt too much. The ocean reminded her so much of Maya it made her sick. Carina gently rested her other hand onto Maya's cheek, her thumb brushing across Maya's bottom lip. She could still feel the phantom pressure of Maya's kiss; it was something she would never forget.
Painfully slow and painfully quick, that's how most of Carina's days were split into. Her time with Maya was always painfully quick and all other times were painfully slow. Carina made her way to her first patient, a married woman whose wife came to every session ever excited and ever making her chest ache. Carina put on a smile, her enthusiasm was real, she was happy for this couple, and she had mastered the art of forcing the thought of Maya aside until she was alone.
“See right there are baby's little feet” Carina said with a smile, the child was developing exactly how she wanted and was grateful all of her patients were healthy. “Okay well the little one is all good I am still putting the due date as October 9th, but babies love to come onto us at the most random times nature waits for nobody” Carina said as the moms nodded, they were young and nervous but seemed very excited. It reminded her of Maya and her, when they talked about IVF and began the process how excited they were at every appointment and how terrible Maya had felt after missing even one. She remembered getting the little blue positive, she remembered how excited she was to tell her wife. But she never got to tell Maya because that same day her accident happened and then she lost her little one.
When the appointments were all over, she moved down to the ER for the next half of her shift. She preferred the ER. The chaos made thinking about anything Maya related nearly impossible. Everyone knew Carina would meet them at the door, she was only to be called into the bay when absolutely needed otherwise her care would begin right when they pushed the patient through the doors.
When her shift was over, she walked back to her office, her entire body ached and there was a dull pain that had been growing sharper the past hour and half behind her eyes. She wanted more than anything to just go home and lay in bed with Maya, who would have made her tea and given her a massage until she fell asleep. But she couldn't have that now, instead she had to go home and sleep in their bed by herself while the love of her life's side remained cold.
She sat in her chair and just stared down at her desk, mostly empty except for her laptop and a few papers. She opened her drawer a glimpse of her rosary she kept mostly for comfort now. She wondered if God heard her anymore, it didn't feel like it. She had stopped going to mass, being there felt suffocating. Walking into the walls of a church reminded her too much of the endless nights spent kneeled at the pews forced by her father to beg God for forgiveness and for a cure from her bisexuality.
Her father pushed her away from God the most, he had once lashed her as penance when he had caught her with a girl. In time she came to understand the God her father worshipped was not the God she did. The God her father believed in was one of cruelty, who believed only pain could cleanse the soul of sin. While she had long come to terms with who she believed God was, it was nights like this when everything felt hopeless, she wondered if maybe her father was right. Maybe God was cruel, just when her and Maya's life began, she was taken away. Was it punishment? Was He punishing her for the life she had led? Just when things felt perfect it was gone.
She picked up the rosary, staring at the crucifix. No, she didn't believe a God who sent His son to die for humanity would be so cruel to torture her like this. Maya's accident wasn't a punishment, it was a heartbreaking part of life, nothing to do with God.
She grabbed the rosary and the pasta out of her fridge and walked to Maya's room to go and eat dinner with her wife. She walked into the room and smiled at the comatose Maya. “Hi Bella” She murmured, sitting down and opening her cold pasta.
“Liam is staying with Amelia tonight” she told her wife as she took her first bite. “He was so excited to have a sleepover with an older boy Scout” She laughed “He thinks Scout is the coolest human to ever walk the earth” Carina rolled her eyes and took a few more bites.
“When you wake up” Carina whispered her voice cracking “I'll cook all the lasagna you want but I need you to wake up” She felt a tear roll down her cheek and she took a deep breath fighting off the flood that threatened to break free.
She put her half-eaten pasta dinner aside and placed the rosary in Maya's limp hand. “Will you hold onto that for me Bambina?” She whispered, shutting her eyes as she began to pray over Maya. She asked God to let her Maya wake, and she begged him to keep her healthy and to not let her miss another one of Liam's birthdays.
When she was done, she left the rosary in Maya's hand, it was comforting it felt like a protection. She gently ran her finger over Maya's ring, the beautiful metal band that had Carina's name engraved into it on the inside. “Do you want me to stay with you tonight?” Carina asked in a whisper before walking to the closet pulling out the cot and sitting it next to Maya's bed. She grabbed a pillow and laid down.
It was a perk of working at the hospital, she was allowed to stay overnight in the coma wing. “Goodnight my love” Carina whispered, shutting her eyes, her dinner unfinished. She made one more silent prayer ‘Lord tell my Angel baby mommy loves them’ and with that she went to sleep.