Caitlyn Kiramman is a hollow being.
She’s alive, she breathes, she works, and she carries the name of Kiramman with so much pride.
Yet she’s filled with utter nothingness.
Caitlyn knows that more than ever when she stares at the puddle and lifeless eyes look back at her. Her eyes.
Rain has never been a problem for Caitlyn… but it follows her. Upon each death in her life that she can’t control. It’s expected at this point.
Rain and death.
”Caitlyn,” Her mother has been silent for the entirety of their stay. The way her name is said is frustrating somehow.
Her boots sink into the muddied soil as they trail past a casket. “Which one is his?” Caitlyn murmurs, her eyes trail over to the puddle where the rain pitter patters.
Cassandra’s gaze is indecipherable. Caitlyn doesn’t bother to wait for her answer as she settles in front of the lines of flowers. She sees his name etched onto the stone.
Her mouth is bitter.
Jayce Talis.
Caitlyn would never see him again. Her heart is as empty as it’s ever been. “Will you be okay here?” Cassandra sighs lightly. Caitlyn nods, umbrella casted against her shoulder as her dress slightly touches the wet soil.
Wet footsteps make their exit as Caitlyn finally allows the slightest bit of emotion to escape her. It’s in the form of a soft sigh, eyes glazed over at a closed casket, and a name she will know forever.
Her lips press together, heart feeling heavier than it’s ever been. Somehow the emptiness she’s always known is more comforting than this.
This was all she had to offer the man she could call her brother. She bites her lip as she decisively stands back up.
”Powder!”
The shout is unfamiliar. No, funerals aren’t the places you shout. You never show a crack of emotion at places like this, this wasn’t the right place to—-
“Shut up!” A short blue haired girl shoves away an older man, falling ontop of a casket. She cries so openly, breath heightened, sniffling so loudly, and looking so… broken.
She has no umbrella, as if to embrace the rain and the smell of death itself. The girl named Powder is sobbing to a life she’s known.
Caitlyn’s hand wraps onto the umbrella with a death grip. Her head turning towards the grave that seems to be mourned so heavily. How could one person truly be that important?
Caitlyn’s jaw works against her cheek. Her teeth gapped as she gnaws on her bottom lip. For every life she’s known, Caitlyn has never felt… her breath muffled slightly. Felt what?
Caitlyn feels almost envious of the little girl. To feel is to know and for as long as Caitlyn could remember, her life was a big question mark. It has always been her attempt at filling up the void and the gaping hole she was born with.
Caitlyn never knew.
Her eyes snap back to Jayce’s grave. She releases a second breath, is that all she could offer for the man who made her life worth something?
“Vi, I’m sorry.” The big voice from her small body is heavy. Caitlyn watches as this small girl continues to sob, she can’t help the way she turns.
Before she knows it her feet is making the same wet steps with splashing sounds she’s numbed herself to, leaning over to hang the umbrella over the girl. “You’re…” Powder trails off.
”Who are you?”
”I’m sorry for your loss.” Her voice is soft as she looks over at the name of the person they mourn.
Violet Warwick.
Powder is sniffling, sobbing even harder. Caitlyn feels her throat tighten up just slightly. The opened locked Powder is clutching onto is of a photo of a pink haired girl smiling ridiculously bright.
Caitlyn can’t breathe for a moment. Her eyes soften as she releases a choked sob. “I’m sorry.” She says once more, hand trembling as she feels more than she ever has.
Something is terribly wrong with her. There’s this force that connects Caitlyn here. Her lips part as she tries to wrap her head around it.
This was a life lived. There was this girl in a loved family that died. Caitlyn feels amiss, she closes her eyes tightly. The first tear that slips through her eye is unwarranted. She feels frozen in the air of the rain.
She was crying over this girl she had never met in her life.
Caitlyn’s eyebrows furrow, she misses Jayce. She misses Jayce’s eyes, his assuring smile, his teasing shoves, and his presence. Yet somehow, here she sat, in front of a grave of someone she has never met.
God, she misses Jayce… but Caitlyn was here instead.
She was crying for a soul she never knew. She clutches onto the fabric stuck on her chest from the cold and humid air, something in Caitlyn feels awoken. She feels almost shaken upside down and pieces she thought were meticulously glued together come apart.
Her eyes linger onto this grave.
The chipped corner and the way Powder was sobbing. The softness, the life of it all—Caitlyn feels like she’s breathing. She feels her heart beat for once and she feels… Caitlyn fucking feels.
In the back of her mind the guilt that comes with mourning Violet Warwick far more than she could have for Jayce is biting against her skin… but it’s not up to her.
It was never up to Caitlyn to feel life. She never wanted to feel empty and today, for the first time in her life, she feels full.
To the very brim, Caitlyn feels filled up to the very top and she doesn’t know what to do. She cries, arm stretched out, trying to keep the girl in front of her dry.
Caitlyn finds out that Violet was a hero, a leader, and one of the most respected people in her circle.
It’s the night Caitlyn lays into her empty bed. With her empty heart and empty arms, lips slightly parted, and the dryness of the air hitting her skin. It’s on nights like those she realizes too many things.
Violet Warwick was very much gone. Her life had ended and somehow she felt more alive and filled with life. Despite it all, Violet was still alive in people’s hearts and minds, much more than Caitlyn could ever be.
Violet’s liveliness has crept into Caitlyn’s heart too. She spends her afternoons imagining what Violet’s life was like. What kind of tea she liked? How her fingers wrapped around a teacup.
Caitlyn doesn’t know what it is. Why she’s so fixated over this girl and the life she’s lead.
For as long as Caitlyn could remember she has never felt complete. It was like each step, each new trophy she racked, or new person she met was another dot of white on a blank sheet of paper she was being forced to fill.
Caitlyn felt like she was colouring with a white crayon. Writing with a broken pencil, cutting with a dull blade, shooting with an empty rifle.
Caitlyn has never known how numb and empty she truly has been since understanding the kind of grief and emotions you could attach to people. Violet Warwick was so gone and yet something about that made Caitlyn grieve.
Her eyes would close and awake to morning, yesterday’s dreams filled with cluster of pink hair and warm smiles.
One particular winter evening, Caitlyn is laid down on her bed. She’s wearing her navy night gown, fiddling with the hems as she wonders if Violet’s favourite colour was pink.
Slumber finds her shortly, somehow it always does when she thinks about Violet. Her breath softens as a hand holds her shoulder gently.
A voice comes from the pink haired girl, but it’s not a sound Caitlyn can make out. For the life of her, she wants to know what it sounds like. She needs to hear the edges of her voice, the crumples, and the roundness of Violet’s voice.
But there’s nothing.
Caitlyn reaches out her hand and each time she does, there is nothing.
Caitlyn is left alone, as she’s been. Breathing emptiness and holding onto nothing. Feeling like she’s been living for nothing. Caitlyn feels like everything is nothing. There is no finality in this world.
There was never going to be anything worth such consumption and torment for her to invest ridiculous amounts of energy and power—-because she was never going to feel satisfied. Satisfaction didn’t exist to Caitlyn. Her life was but a drop in the ocean and a star in the galaxy.
She would disappear into the backdrop and—-“Caitlyn.”
Caitlyn wakes up with cold sweats that night. She heard her voice. She’s sure she’s heard Violet’s voice. Her teeth sink into her cheek as she can’t stand it any longer.
Caitlyn spends the rest of that Winter eyeing Violet’s grave.
Each time she returns, she’s filled with a new profound sense of something.
Caitlyn still doesn’t know what it is or what it amounts to, but she’s grateful it exists. Caitlyn finds the pureness in just being able to hold onto whatever grief she has for this girl. For this life that she has lead thus far.
Because for once, she finally feels like she’s covering and sewing this gaping hole shut.
And Caitlyn is forced to realize that it’s all she’s ever wanted to do.
Spring was steadfast.
“You’re… Caitlyn, right?”
Caitlyn almost jumps from her place, bouquet in her hand dropped onto the floor as she panics.
Her eyes meet who she now knows is Powder Warwick, Violet’s younger sister. She looks much older now. “Thank you for leaving flowers so often.” Powder says softly, a smile blooming on her lips.
Caitlyn hates that she wonders how Powder is able to just breathe through all of it. How she’s so used to grief she has found a way around it somehow. Caitlyn hates that Powder is the prime example of how someone respects the dead.
Not the way Caitlyn has been latching onto the grief, the mourning, the pain of a somebody. “It’s not a problem.” Caitlyn chokes out as respectfully as she can.
”Did you know my sister?” Powder is cautious as she settles next to Caitlyn. She’s tense when she responds, “No.” She mutters back. Her heart sinks a little when she does.
Not knowing Violet Warwick was somehow her life’s biggest tragedy yet.
”You mind if I ask why you’re here so often?” Powder mutters, she’s trying to be respectful. Caitlyn wonders how she’d react if she told her she found comfort in imagining the life her sister lived. That Caitlyn was this empty soul just trying to fill herself up and the only way that’s worked thus far was sitting in front of Violet’s grave.
”No one deserves to be forgotten.” She whispers instead, eyes glazed as she reads Violet’s name like she has a million times. So much so that she could probably carve the font into a fresh slab of marble herself.
Powder seems to mull over the thought. Watching Caitlyn look at Vi’s grave with so much in her eyes.
“It’s actually my birthday today,“ Powder gives her a toothy grin, hands clutching onto a purse as she turns towards her. “Wanna join?” She extends her hand towards Caitlyn.
She’s reminded of the way she extended her umbrella to shelter that crying girl that looks nothing like the Powder that stands in front of her today.
Caitlyn takes her hand.
She learns more about Violet.
She learns that Violet’s parents passed away when she was much young, that Vander took them in when all they could do was cry.
Caitlyn thinks about that often. What kind of feelings Violet had as she crossed that broken bridge, holding onto her younger sister. Caitlyn wishes she knew.
She finds herself in the Warwick Household so often it’s a little unsettling.
She’s learned that Powder’s boyfriend, Ekko, was also a good friend of Violet. She called him Little Man. She also had two other siblings; Claggor and Mylo.
They love to eat. Caitlyn also knows that they snuck off real often to trouble. Violet often being in the middle of it all.
“And so I was all like, okay then I’m an acid spitting ocotopus but with fifteen legs! Then she’d be all like, then I’m a flying dragon with five heads and I can eat octopuses.” Powder huffs, tilting a drink in her hand. “So unfair.” She says and Caitlyn chuckles at the way Powder rolls her eyes.
Caitlyn learns a lot about herself from Violet’s stories. “You’re smiling more.” Powder comments and Caitlyn softens, she feels herself soften.
”I am,” She doesn’t deny.
And by the time Summer is swinging by, Caitlyn knows so much more about herself it’s unsettling.
Caitlyn is no longer yearning each night to stitch herself shut, no longer wishing she was less vulnerable for the damned world. Caitlyn no longer hates and hates and hates before everything else.
Instead, she starts to learn certainty. For one, she’s certain she wants a badge on her shoulder as soon as she can have it.
“And breathe.” Her hand is on Powder’s, wrapping around the trigger. “You need extreme focus.” She says, pulling away as she watches the younger girl take form.
The resonating bullseye fills Caitlyn with pride.
Caitlyn still stands by Violet’s grave at every moment she can. Spending time with Powder, cooking with Ekko, or giving business advice on the side street of Vander’s bar is exhilarating as it has been fufilling… but it never truly holds her down.
Caitlyn doesn’t seek for it every day as she did in Winter but she still waits. She’s patient enough, trying to fill herself up with what she can.
“Yes, Cait! Yes!” Ekko is clapping his hands, throwing his head back with such a wide grin. Caitlyn can‘t help her own laugh as she wobbles on the little board with wheels.
”Hands up! Hands up!” He continues to instruct as Caitlyn balances herself on the board, hair up in a ponytail as she giggles. She enjoys this moment more in memory than she realizes in the actual moment of.
Skateboarding with Ekko and teaching Powder how to shoot a rifle has quelled the storm inside of her. The hole is still there but she’s coming close, she knows she is.
It has to be within them, within her somewhere.
She’s learned to love a little more. So, she knows that it’s Fall when she’s becoming apparently more selfish.
Caitlyn is sat on a pile of leaves, right next to Violet’s grave. She knows something has changed when she feels like the answer has to be here.
Because never did Caitlyn ever believe in the mediocrity of human life. No one truly deserved to be remembered forever, and if they were: they probably didn’t deserve it anyway.
Yet the seasons have passed and Caitlyn is convinced it’s a person like Violet that should be remembered. That the beauty that Violet had carried in her mundane life is what needs to be preserved in her life.
That is the grief that needs to be emulated for Caitlyn to feel, to gap the bridge within her, and for her to just live her life like she knows she can. Caitlyn knows there’s a plane above her right now.
“You haven’t been showing up,” Powder looks genuinely upset, Caitlyn has a fruit basket in her hand as she apologizes profusely. “Is she doing okay, at least?” She asks like she trusts that Caitlyn still goes everyday.
And she’s right.
“I’ll show up more often.” Caitlyn smiles at her. “Violet is doing great, she’s all polished up, and quite ready for the Winter.” She says, lightly ruffling Powder’s hair.
“Okay, good. We’re going camping, you need to come, okay? Even if you’re busy.” Powder emphasizes and Caitlyn gives her a look of slight confusion, amusement still present.
“Okay, Powder.” Caitlyn tucks a hair behind her ear, finding this little girl to be such a bundle of joy in her quest in finding self worth and happiness.
“Promise me.”
Caitlyn nods, “This is important for you.” She says softer and Powder pouts at her, as if saddened that Caitlyn doesn’t already know why.
“It’s our annual camping trip, Cait. Family comes first. Even if you’re going training to be a stupid enforcer or whatever.”
Caitlyn’s eyes widen as it hits her a little harder than expected. “Family… comes first.” She mumbles back and Powder nods rather excessively. She leans her head onto Caitlyn’s shoulder and relaxes into her space.
“Being an enforcer isn’t stupid, Powder.” Caitlyn glazes over the moment despite her heart singing in ways it had never before.
Powder is rolling her eyes at her.
Caitlyn can’t help but wonder what it would’ve been like if Violet was here to witness how much Powder had grown.
Winter is back again. It’s… odd.
She’s in front of Violet’s grave. The day she first saw it so crystal clear. Her heart feels fuller… just a little bit. Perhaps no where as near as most people that live the kind of life Caitlyn does, but she’s satisfied.
Caitlyn is okay with this.
Because at least the Winter isn’t as cold as it was last year when she first read the name Violet Warwick from this very gravestone.
“What do you mean you have a… girlfriend?” Mylo gives her a confused stare and Claggor shoves him into the padded couch. Caitlyn sips on her hot cocoa, a necklace settled on her neck.
”I thought you didn’t do romance.” He mumbles and Caitlyn muddles her smile as she places the mug back on their coffee table. “You’re not wrong.” She responds, taking a breath in.
”I suppose I’ve also gotten tired of being alone.”
”You’re not alone, you have us.” Powder snaps back immediately and Caitlyn waves her off. “You know what she meant, Pow.” Ekko says, arm wrapped around her warmly.
Caitlyn dates a blonde short haired girl named Maddie for less than two months before it falls into ruins.
She’s spunky but supportive, a good listener. “You’re never really there.” Her accent is thick as she kisses the back of Caitlyn’s neck.
”This is no good.”
It’s less than two months before Powder huffs about good riddance and Ekko is making her a banana split to soothe the pains of a fresh break up.
Less than two months and the necklace she once adorned with another person’s birthstone is trashed because Caitlyn just can’t.
But it’s another Winter night and Caitlyn has had quite enough.
She’s groveling into her sheets and she’s feeling so exhausted. Caitlyn is so tired, so fucking tired of it all. She couldn’t find love, she couldn’t find a way to fix any of it.
Caitlyn has always just known that somewhere between it all, she could never actually fix what this was. She was born this way and she would die this way.
Caitlyn had no purpose, no person, no love, nothing within her. Each time she felt like she was closer and closer, life would slam against her and remind her that she wasn’t worthy of any of it. She wasn’t worthy of feeling like she mattered, or cared for.
Caitlyn wishes she could love like everyone else. She just wishes she could feel and live like everyone else. She wishes she didn’t have to answer to this emptiness each night. That she didn’t have to think about a girl who died well over a year ago to just… just feel like she was a person worth existing.
There could be one million reasons I do not deserve love. Perhaps it is the fact that I am so selfishly vying for something I can never have. Always chasing a feeling that does not exist.
To live is to feel. To feel is to know. Nothing about my life is defined by those means. I wish to feel, just find the middle ground and fill this feeble void within me with something, anything at all.
Something from our world is missing. There is something, someone, that I believe should be able to find the heart to piece me together… but this world means nothing anymore. No matter how much I search, I will not find the answer. I will never scratch this itch. My life will be loss of Eurekas.
I used to believe that depriving me of the biggest question mark was to balance it all out. Perhaps, a less fortunate soul would find their answer, their person, and feel more complete than I could ever imagine to be. I believe it is selfish for me to think I am even deprived.
I am privileged with people, money, and talent. I am fortunate in so many ways and yet I will never find what I seek. I like to at least imagine that it is my fixation and my burden to bear for all the good that has happened in my life. Maybe being fortunate isn’t so black and white.
I hope my words reach you.
- Caitlyn Kiramman
Beside it, a case of pills.
“Caitlyn,” It’s pink. Caitlyn reaches her hand out.
Blinding lights hit her at speeds beyond her as she’s breathing heavily. Her eyes squint, “I’ve got you.”
“Where—-“ Caitlyn feels a pair of warm arms wrapped around her. “Dad?” She whispers lowly.
Her mother and father are holding her tight.
She heard Violet.
“Did you do that on purpose?” Her mother’s voice trembles.
Caitlyn learns something about herself that Winter, one thing she didn’t last time.
It’s the time she’s hauled up at home, every movement supervised, and she just can’t go to visit Violet.
Despite the empty pill bottle and the spite written letter that Powder had sobbed to, Caitlyn was blessed.
It’s when Powder is crying, refusing to let her go. When Caitlyn feels like she’s so close to just finding an answer to this emptiness, where that feeling comes and goes again like a rainy day—“I’m happy I’m still here.” She says slowly.
Caitlyn needs to live the life she’s been stripped of for so long… because in her god forbidden world, in the life where she’s been cursed with emptiness and this hole for a heart, Caitlyn found solace somewhere.
Caitlyn found a bridging factor.
So, when next Spring comes by and Caitlyn is sitting next to Violet’s grave, she brings two bouquets.
She plops one in front of Jayce’s, giving it a light tap as she sits in between the two stones.
”Hi, Violet. My name is Caitlyn.” She says under her breath as she enjoys the emptiness of the air for once.
And perhaps, she may have loss any chance at Eureka, but Caitlyn is sure that for this time: it is now truly enough.
“I think we’d get along.” She lays down on the grass.
The sky is awfully bright. Not a single speck of rain in sight.