The Kitchens

The sky brightened, the sky darkened, but Sirius never truly felt awake. Time slipped away in different shades, yielding days, then weeks. It was like he had become addicted to a narcotic for the sole purpose of it being ripped away, banned from his veins. And he needed it. God, did he need it. He needed Remus. He couldn’t remember living without Remus—had it really been his entire life? Had he really only met him a few months ago?

Was he really gone?

Nearly every day since Remus had walked away from him at the beach, Sirius went down to the kitchens everyday, peering longingly from behind corners, watching him work. He was not the flushed, smiling picture Sirius had seen the day he found out about the wedding. There was no laughter filtering through the sounds of the crackling fire, in fact, the warm lighting of the flames didn’t match anything about his demeanor at all. His face was shadowed, skin pale despite the heat. His fingers worked as on autopilot, with none of the passion Sirius had so often seen there. Briefly, Sirius pictured walking forward, right in front of Mrs. Potter and everyone, and taking Remus by the waist. He pictured kissing the sun right back into his skin. He could feel himself doing it. He could feel Remus’ laugh against his skin, his hands on his neck, fingers warm from the fire.

Sneaking up on me again, Black?

Unable to watch anymore, he stumbled his way to the lake. He fell into what he imagined to be the imprints of Remus’ knees, the position of grief he had found him in that night. He put his fingers into the sand, letting the grit of it cut under his nails, and looked out over the water. It was perfectly placid. There was no wind, no darting fish making ripples. Completely calm.
Sirius didn’t want to feel relief in how miserable Remus looked. He never wanted Remus to look miserable. But, still, it was a comfort, knowing he was not the only one who couldn’t breathe. In thinking this, he couldn’t decide if it was strange or to be expected that here, on the shore, he could breathe the easiest. It was the source of heartbreak. It was also the last place Remus had held him. Bittersweet. Wasn’t that what their relationship had always been? Right now it felt more bitter.

“Sirius.”

Sirius’ body showed no other sign of surprise other than perhaps his eyes becoming a bit more focused. He hadn’t heard Regulus approach, he’d barely even heard him call his name. Regulus’ sword clinked at his hip as he sat down, perfectly polished boots looking odd with the sand on them. He grabbed a handful of it, watching it slip through his fingers,

“Thought I’d find you out here.”

Sirius didn’t blink, just stared. He felt like his body was unresponsive, even to his own brain telling him to look at Regulus, to get off the stinging sandy shards, to breathe a little deeper, “Did you?”

“Well, you’ve invited me enough times.”

“Well, you’ve never accepted.”

Regulus let out a little huff that might have been a laugh, “Fair enough. Anyhow, it’s also where you use to go after mother-“

“I remember.” Sirius said a little harder, ending the conversation.

“Yes.” Regulus said after a few moments, softly, “Yes, I know you do.” Then a little more strong, “I only meant that you come out here to hide from things.”

This time Sirius did round on him, narrowing his eyes, “And you come out here to what? Find me? Save me?”

Regulus met his gaze, “They were going to kill you.”

“Death is not the worst fate.” Sirius growled.

“It is for the people you leave behind.” Regulus’ mouth formed around the words like he hadn’t meant for them to come so easily.

Sirius blinked at that, his mind, for a moment, awakening again. Looking at his little brother, he suddenly saw a much younger version of Regulus: under the protection of no one but Sirius, keeping close at parties, at dinner. Running out to the lake after him despite Sirius’ protests and pressing cool water to his stinging cheeks. His chest suddenly ached so painfully that he had to arch forward, fold in on himself, as if keeping his ribcage from pressing in on him too tightly.

“Reg…“

Regulus’ cool mask was suddenly gone, perhaps broken at the nickname. His eyebrows uncharacteristically drew together, dark eyes lightening with worry, “No, you have to listen to me, Sirius. I’m not so little anymore, I know what I’m doing. If they killed you, do you really think they would have let me ascend into power? No. The answer is no. You’re right about them, and even mother knows it deep down.” He shook his head, “So, if it makes you feel better… Just… think of it like I was saving the kingdom. Not you. But, even then…” He trailed off, seeming to rally his nerve. His voice came out almost a whisper, “Even then, you must know it was. For you, I mean.”

Sirius looked at him, feeling more beaten to a pulp by Regulus’ words than he ever had by his mother’s fist. What had he even done for Regulus, really, to deserve everything that, as he now saw, Regulus was trying to do for him? Let him follow him around? Take all of the rotten attention of their mother when, really, it had only been set on him anyway? He’d done nothing. He should say thank you. He should say anything, really. Regulus just looked back at him, eyes calm and patient, but not exactly waiting, not for words he knew might not come. The sun was low in the sky now and Sirius finally looked away, squinting into it, letting it create a throbbing behind his eyes, “I’m… realizing that.”

It was the best he could do.

It wasn’t.

Regulus sighed, very lightly, “I just…” The soft sound came again, “I hope you’ll be happy, Sirius.”

Sirius made a noise this time, only not so soft, “Not likely.”

“No,” Sirius turned back to his brother at the firm hand on his shoulder. His eyes were still calm, but blazing, “No, you could be. Right?” Sirius didn’t understand the question, “You know that. You could be.”

“What makes you think that?” Sirius snapped. Regulus was getting dangerously close to the truth: Sirius could be happy. Could have been happy. He’d had his chance.

“What makes you think otherwise?” Regulus said back, maddeningly calm.

“Because I was born into this life-”

“And he was born into his.” Sirius’ blood ran cold. Regulus pressed on, insistent, “Yet, here you both are.”

Sirius swallowed. He knew how his face must look bur Regulus was making no moves to reassure him. His eyes were as steady as ever. He could feel his heartbeat in his throat and he tried to clear it away, “How-“ He tried again, “How did…”

“I knew you had someone. You already knew that.” Regulus let his hand drop, the band around his finger with the small RB flashing delicately, “Then I saw your ring on his hand at dinner, I… I figured it was him you ran after when the brought up the wedding-”

“God…” Sirius pressed his hands to his face but Regulus pulled them away, gripping his wrists.

“Sirius, it isn’t a problem. Not to me-“

“How can you say that?” Sirius looked at him, eyes stinging painfully, “It’s nothing but a problem. God, it’s one thing to fall in love with a girl you can’t have because at least that’s normal, but I-“ His voice broke, “I had to go and…” Sirius closed his eyes, voice trailing off. He clenched his teeth, dipping his head.

“How can you say that? Jesus, look at me.” Sirius found his brother’s eyes again only, this time, he didn’t look so young. He looked older, and pained. Regulus wet his lips before speaking, starting a few different times, desperate for Sirius to understand, “Do you… Do you know that you’re the only person I care about? You’re it. The only fucking person. I don’t really know why right now. We haven’t exactly been brotherly. But you are. And I’ve seen you so unhappy for so long until- this summer, you- you weren’t. I mean- you were more fucking snide than ever but you were grinning and I hadn’t… exactly realized how much I… missed that.” His words came slower, like he was fighting his way through them, coming to an understanding as he spoke.

Sirius fingers closed around Regulus’ wrist as well, gripping tight. Regulus’ face crumbled, just a little,

“I’m only trying to say that… how can love, happiness be abnormal? No matter who it’s with, it’s happiness and you have to fucking chase it. It doesn’t come around that often, not for real.” He shook his head, “Sirius, anyone who knows you knows you don’t want this life. You’ve never wanted this life. You hate everything about it all the way down to sitting up straight at dinner, so…” Regulus shook his head, smiling a little although his voice was thick. Sirius thought he hadn’t seen his brother smile in too, too long, “So, fuck birth. Fuck blood. Chase the happiness.”

“Reg..” Sirius voice was thick too, a rasp, “He’s… He’s all I want.”

“Then do it. For me.” Regulus swallowed, “Do it for you. Do it for me.”

Regulus would give him every reason in the book, as long as Sirius took one and ran with it. He prayed that he would.

~

Remus splayed his fingers over the soft leather in the early morning darkness of his room. He was kneeled on the splintering floor by his old trunk, holding Sirius’ slippers to his chest, the ring between his fingertips. The soft SB flashed at him, like a taunt. He could almost hate the small inanimate object. For being there, for reminding him so painfully of what he no longer had. Almost. If only he didn’t love it so much. He shifted, sitting back with his knees to his chest, and slipped the soft shoes on. He closed his eyes.

He hated how thankful he was for these small things. They were like direct links to his memory, triggers, key words that jumpstarted feelings and emotions and longing all at once. He felt the slippers and he felt their first kiss, the healing salve on his fingertips, Sirius’ warm hands on his ankles. When he ran his fingers over the ring, entirely different things were renewed. Sirius’ body against his own, them laughing softly until the early morning, Sirius’ tears against his skin, the bread basket slipping through his fingers. The beginning and end of a relationship. Remus dropped the ring, and went back to stroking the tops of the slippers over his feet. He found he preferred beginnings. He had to get up. He had to make the bread, the eggs. Sirius’ eggs. Who knew cooking, something he’d always loved, could be so cruel?

There was a knock at his door, making him jump.

“Remus?”

James’ voice came muffled through the thin wood.

“Just a minute!” He knew his voice came out too loud, a little strained, as he scrambled to shut the slippers and ring back in his trunk, not bothering to cover them with books this time. It was only James but these things felt they belonged to him, and to his eyes only, “Yeah, come in.”

James opened the door, poking his head in first and offering a rather sad smile, “Hello.” He sing-songed the word a little, definitely trying to deduce Remus’ mental state, and maybe defuse it, “Alright?”

Remus swiped his apron from the hook by his dresser, tying it behind his back, “Yeah, alright. You?”

James hummed, “Yeah, I’m good. I’m- I’m great. Happy Saturday! Good. Nice, lovely, Saturday.” James nodded all the while, swinging back and forth on his heels, and giving Remus an exaggerated smile.

Remus sighed, “I’m fine, James.”

“Me too! That’s so…” He rubbed the back of his neck, “So coincidental.. Not that that… matters. Okay. I’m just gonna…”

“Stop?” Remus supplied.

“Precisely. Exactly. Yes. Definitely.”

“James.”

James sighed, smile dropping. He held his hands up in surrender, “I’m sorry, I’m nervous!”

Remus raised an eyebrow, “Nervous?”

James sighed, falling onto Remus’ bed, “Yes. God, I feel like I’m carrying fucking lead in my pocket. Sirius asked me to- God, do I look like I’m sweating?” He took out a slip of neatly folded parchment from his pocket, fiddling with it, “Jesus, Sirius is right, I never should be in the King’s Guard.”

Remus’ heart, at the first sight of the slip of paper, had jumped to his throat, “James, what is-“

James blew the hair off his forehead, looking bewilderedly at the ceiling, “I mean, honestly, I think I’d fucking pass out-“

“Jesus fucking Christ, give me that.” He all but ripped the note from James’ hands, unfolding it, already holding his breath.

The stables. Monday. Midnight.

He flipped it over and gripped the bed post with the amount of relief filling his chest.

Who said anything about goodbye?

~

Sirius had been restless the entire day. He knew Remus had work, but ever since the second James had told him Remus’ response to the note, he’d thought maybe Remus would ditch. For him, for this. Just one day. He knew he wouldn’t. He sort of loved him for it, even if it made him crazy.

He felt like he had watched the sky darken shade by shade, eyes shifting between the sky and the bookshelf. He’d taken dinner in his room but he had left his tray untouched, too consumed, too relieved.

He was going to say sorry first. He was going to apologize for not telling him, for letting him leave in the first place. He had never said it, after all. Not really. Then he was going to tell him he loved him. Because he did, so, so much. Then he was going to hold him. Then, he would tell him their plan.

When Remus walked through the bookcase, Sirius forgot all of this.

He was kissing Remus before he took another breath. His hands pulled him into the room and were under his shirt in a second, desperately taking in his warm skin. Remus was just as eager, his fingers threading through Sirius’ hair and pulling, deepening the kiss. Sirius’ palms made their way to Remus’ arse and he lifted, guiding Remus’ legs around his waist and pressing him against the bedpost for more leverage. They kissed and kissed, taking long inhales of oxygen through their nose for as long as they could, until even that proved too little. They broke apart, breathing heavily into each other, lips brushing with each breath.

“Hello.” Sirius mumbled, dragging his lips over Remus’ skin to press a sloppy kiss to Remus’ jaw.

He felt Remus’ cheek dimple when he smiled, and he nudged the soft indent with his nose, “Hello…”

“I have,” Sirius pressed another kiss, “So many things to say to you.” And another, “I just can’t quite remember what, right now.”

Remus guides their mouths back together, hands on Sirius’ cheeks, “I should probably make you say them.” He let his head fall back against the post, letting a breathy moan out as Sirius started trailing his jaw and neck with his tongue, “But I-fuck-I don’t feel like fucking talking, I-“ Remus let out a breath, blinking his eyes open and hand coming to thread through Sirius’ hair at the back of his head. He tried to glance downward towards Sirius, startled by his sudden slowing of movement, of kisses. What had been nearly biting a moment ago was now less frequent and soft, soft presses. He could feel Sirius’ forehead against his shoulder and the heaving of his chest, “Hey..” He slid his hand to Sirius’ cheek, trying to coax him into looking at him, “Hey, what happened down there? Love-“

“‘m fine.” His voice was muffled by Remus’ skin, but he did in fact, sound find, “‘m just… I thought…” He sighed, breath warming Remus’ shoulder, and pressed his nose right to Remus’ neck, inhaling shakily, “Just hopelessly happy to be… here again.”

Remus’ heart contracted rather painfully at that, and he was suddenly very aware that Sirius was holding him, against him, speaking to him. The thought made him breathe shakily too. He dipped his head down, nosing against Sirius’ cheek and temple until he was able to press their cheeks together, faces hidden in each other’s necks. They stayed there, hugging, re-memorizing each other, until Sirius pressed Remus more closely to him, then laid him softly down on the bed. He smiled a little when he tried to get up and Remus didn’t let go.

“Was just gonna budge you up. Can’t have our feet dangling off.”

“We can if it means I can still feel you.”

Sirius laughed and, in one quick motion, ducked from within Remus’ arms and grabbed his hips, throwing him playfully against the pillows and launching himself after him, sealing the attack with a hard, long, kiss.

He laid against him, forearms only supporting a bit of his weight, “How’s that?”

Remus hummed and then turned Sirius onto his side, situating himself until they were face to face, sharing a pillow. He tangled their still shoed feet together and laced their fingers between them, “Good.”

Sirius was content to lay that way forever, with Remus’ thumb stroking his knuckles and his eyes looking softly at him, his brows slightly furrowed.

Sirius released one of his hands to smooth it, “You’re thinking awfully hard.”

Remus smiled a little, “You did delivery me a note that suggested not too subtly a forbidden get away.” Sirius rolled his eyes a little and looped his arms around Remus’ waist, pulling their chests almost together, “But…” Sirius nudged their noses together as way of telling him to go on. Remus wet his lips before continuing, “What did happen? To make you do this. Send the note, what… what changed?”

For a few moments, Sirius did nothing more than take a rather large breath, “I… Well, first, nothing changed. Re, I never didn’t want to be with you.” He hesitated, “You… You know that, right?”

Remus nodded mutely, pressing a kiss to Sirius’ fingers.

“I just realized-“ Sirius laughed a little, more to himself than anyone, “I was helped to realize that I… Well, I don’t have to be unhappy, do I? I can be the happiest person in the entire world if I want.” He reached out, palm to Remus’ jaw, thumb trailing over the high of his cheekbone, “I just have to go for it.”

Remus felt the worry in his chest ease at this, but only a little. The doubt was still there, gnawing at his chest. He leaned into Sirius’ palm, biting his lip.

Sirius turned his head a little, “That… That wasn’t what you wanted to hear-“

“No.” Remus said quickly, “No, that was… perfect. I never thought I’d hear that.”

Sirius pulled Remus towards him more insistently, “Then what? Anything, Re. I’ll give you… get you, help you with anything. You know that-”

“What if I don’t make you happy.” Remus whispered it, looking down, focusing his eyes on Sirius’ chest, the fine silk of his shirt, “What if I’m…”

“No.” It was all Sirius said, simply and hard. He shook his head again, raising Remus’ eyes to his own, “No. That-“ He kept shaking his head, like Remus had just said the most outrageous thing in the world, “It isn’t even possible. Not to me. Not now, not ever.”

“Sirius-“
“Now, I’m not saying we’re always going to get along. I’m a prick and you like to call me out on it which does get annoying sometimes.” They both let out slightly watery laughs and Sirius pressed a quick kiss to Remus’ mouth, “But listen to me. Re… God, this isn’t even about what I’m leaving behind. It isn’t even that I’m happier because I’m choosing a life with you over my life here. Yes, it is better. By mountains it is better, but… I could have the most glorious life in the world,” His voice had lowered, and Remus suddenly felt as though the world had stopped to listen to Sirius, “and I’d still choose you.” Sirius passed his fingers through the fringe that curled thickly over Remus’ forehead, “Do you know why?”

Remus could do nothing but stare mutely. He didn’t. He felt frozen, in a trance, like his chest was about to burst. Because he knew what was coming. He knew what was coming and he would sooner die than not respond this time. He shook his head.

And Sirius smiled, “Well. Then I do have one more thing to say, don’t I?” Then his face grew more serious, “And I… I rather hope you do too.”

“I do.” Remus breathed.

He heard the way Sirius’ breath hitch, and suddenly Sirius was rolling on top of him, bracketing him in, and Remus could feel nothing but his warmth.

This time Remus’ eyes stayed firmly locked with Sirius’. He didn’t want to see him say it. He wanted to see him feel it. And they were blue, and grey, and worried, and happy, and so chock full of the unsaid words that Remus could almost see it spill over onto the rest of his face, into the set of his mouth and the grip of his palms.

“I love you.” Sirius just breathed it, voice trembling under its weight, “Remus…”

“I love you.” Remus said it too softly, then again too loudly, “I love you.” Suddenly he felt like he had so many to make up for, so much to to make up for, and he couldn’t stop saying it. He held Sirius’ neck, his cheeks, his shoulders, and said it again, and again, “I love you.”

And then they were kissing and laughing into each other’s mouths, or maybe crying, and Remus said it some more, this time mixed it with Sirius’. And the words held other words; I believe you. I trust you. You’re enough. You’re everything.

And soon, they didn’t even have to say it to know it was there.

“Sirius…” Remus said into his neck, kissing the taught skin there, the pulse point. I love you.

And Sirius just laughed, a sound of pure relief. And suddenly Remus was being held so tightly he couldn’t even kiss anymore, just laugh too.
“Oh, god, I have to tell you-“ Sirius gasped, laughing and kissing Remus again, cheeks hot and flushed.

“‘bout?”

“Our new life.” I love you.

A sort of thrill went up Remus’ spine at the word our. I love you.

Sirius hooked their ankles together. His eyes were bright and excited, palms warm against Remus’ cheeks, “Listen. I have a cousin. In France, her name is Andromeda. She and her husband, they’re like us, they— well, let’s just say my family didn’t approve of their match. Of him. So, she lives in France now, in a comfortable home. She escaped. We can too, we can stay with them until we get our feet under us somehow. I have money of my own saved, not too much but-“

“I do too.” Remus cut in, then, a little shyly, “Really not too much but…”

Sirius kissed him, again, and again, before he gasped, trying to talk and breathe and kiss at the same time, “Remus. Re, the people there, they’re… more open.” He shrugged one shoulder, “Some of them, at least. I… God, ‘m out of breath.” He laughed.

Remus laughed a little too, soothing his hands through his hair, content to just watch the way Sirius’ eyes were lit up, “The point is, we can be together. Maybe not always in the open, but-“

And this time, Remus was the one to kiss him, lips hard and needing, neck craning off the sheets. He panted into his mouth, hands gripping his hair,

“Now you listen.” He said, “I could spend my life only kissing you behind closed doors. Just so long as you are there to kiss.”

And they held each other, shedding clothes, pressing close, and knowing that a new life, their life, was only a few days away.